Chicago - Mar. 19, 2022
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
Must-See TV
Army Of Darkness
5 p.m.
A discount-store employee is time-warped to a medieval castle, where he is the foretold savior who can dispel the evil there. Unfortunately, he screws up and releases an army of skeletons. (
Weather Derby
Tribune: 51/37
Sun-Times: Ferro/McKinney
Weather Channel: 44/41
Ntl Weather Service: 54/43
BWM*: 82/12
Beachwood Bookmarks
K-Tel Classics
WKRP in Cincinnati
So You've Decided To Be Evil
St. Paul Saints
Nye's Polonaise Room
The Arcata Eye
Roadside USA
This Day In . . .
Onion History
Weird Al History
Baseball History
Beachwood History
History History
Spy Magazine History
#OnThisDate History
Under Suspicion
Find Your Towed Car
Cable TV Complaints
Freedom of Information
The Expired Meter
The Mob & Friends
Stolen Bike Registry
O'Hare Music Tracker
Report Corruption (city)
Report Corruption (state)
Scoundrels, State
Scoundrels, Federal
The Odds
Random Flight Tracker
Casting Calls
Cosmic Log
Buy Stamps
Beachwood Blogroll
A Handy List
Beachwood Ethics Statement
How We Roll
Today's Horoscope
Liberties will be taken.
Do We Sudoku?
No, but we do do moose stuff, and that can be anything you want it to be. Except Sudoku.
Losing Lottery Numbers
8, 25, 39
Daily Affirmation
I am open and receptive to new avenues of income. (
Knowing that a person may be unwittingly in danger of an assault imposes a moral duty to warn them.
Now Playing
Psychodrama/Marshall Law
Letters to the Editors
Tip Line
"The Papers" archive
Beachwood Link Buttons
Media Kit/Advertising

The [Tuesday] Papers

Stop the news, I wanna get off.

1. What's Sepp?!

"IFA president Sepp Blatter will resign from soccer's governing body amid a widening corruption scandal and has promised to call for fresh elections to choose a successor," wire reports say.

And yet, I cannot think of a single office in Illinois that he could not win except House District 22.


Illinois pundits defending Blatter: "Stop criminalizing politics!"

2. FBEye.

"The FBI is operating a small air force with scores of low-flying planes across the country, including Chicago, carrying video and, at times, cellphone surveillance technology - all hidden behind fictitious companies that are fronts for the government, The Associated Press has learned."

Is one of those fictitious companies named "United?"

3. Elected School Board.

"With his hand-picked school board rocked by a federal investigation into a no-bid contract it gave out and beset by an enormous budget deficit, Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced Tuesday that he has picked four new members to replace those whose terms are about to end," the Tribune reports.

The selections were made by secret ballot in Rahm's head.

4. Still Not Good Enough For Rauner's Daughter.

"New Trier High School celebrated the groundbreaking June 1 of a $100 million addition planned for the Winnetka campus," Winnetka Talk reports.

"The addition will include 25 core academic classrooms, three science labs, a new library, a new cafeteria and spaces for engineering, art, music and theater programs."


And one day soon those kids will talk about how much harder they worked than the poor black kids shooting each other to earn every cent of their millions. Lesson learned!

5. Isn't Gambling Illegal?

"The mayors of Chicago and Tampa are putting a collection of their cities' treats on the line as the Chicago Blackhawks and Tampa Bay Lightning battle for the Stanley Cup," AP reports because it mistakenly believes this stale PR stunt is news.

"Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel's office says his wager with Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn includes 122 slices of Eli's cheesecake. Emanuel is also offering up a case of SlapShot Brewing beer, mustard-fried catfish and peach cobbler from BJ's Market, and deep-dish pizza from Giordano's."


Why don't we actually bet mayors? If the Blackhawks win, we get to ship Rahm to Tampa. If the Lightning win, they get our mayor.


Btw, Buckhorn is from Evanston.


The Year Of Maybe
In The Cub Factor.


* Shatner To Travel Across U.S. On Trike; Starts Ride In Aurora.


A sampling.





Also, he insists on being called The Captain. At all times. All times.


The Beachwood Tip Line: Captainy.


Posted on June 2, 2015

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter

Beachwood Radio!