The [Tuesday] Papers

Stop the news, I wanna get off.

1. What's Sepp?!

"IFA president Sepp Blatter will resign from soccer's governing body amid a widening corruption scandal and has promised to call for fresh elections to choose a successor," wire reports say.

And yet, I cannot think of a single office in Illinois that he could not win except House District 22.

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Illinois pundits defending Blatter: "Stop criminalizing politics!"

2. FBEye.

"The FBI is operating a small air force with scores of low-flying planes across the country, including Chicago, carrying video and, at times, cellphone surveillance technology - all hidden behind fictitious companies that are fronts for the government, The Associated Press has learned."

Is one of those fictitious companies named "United?"

3. Elected School Board.

"With his hand-picked school board rocked by a federal investigation into a no-bid contract it gave out and beset by an enormous budget deficit, Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced Tuesday that he has picked four new members to replace those whose terms are about to end," the Tribune reports.

The selections were made by secret ballot in Rahm's head.

4. Still Not Good Enough For Rauner's Daughter.

"New Trier High School celebrated the groundbreaking June 1 of a $100 million addition planned for the Winnetka campus," Winnetka Talk reports.

"The addition will include 25 core academic classrooms, three science labs, a new library, a new cafeteria and spaces for engineering, art, music and theater programs."

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And one day soon those kids will talk about how much harder they worked than the poor black kids shooting each other to earn every cent of their millions. Lesson learned!

5. Isn't Gambling Illegal?

"The mayors of Chicago and Tampa are putting a collection of their cities' treats on the line as the Chicago Blackhawks and Tampa Bay Lightning battle for the Stanley Cup," AP reports because it mistakenly believes this stale PR stunt is news.

"Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel's office says his wager with Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn includes 122 slices of Eli's cheesecake. Emanuel is also offering up a case of SlapShot Brewing beer, mustard-fried catfish and peach cobbler from BJ's Market, and deep-dish pizza from Giordano's."

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Why don't we actually bet mayors? If the Blackhawks win, we get to ship Rahm to Tampa. If the Lightning win, they get our mayor.

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Btw, Buckhorn is from Evanston.

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The Year Of Maybe
In The Cub Factor.

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BeachBook
* Shatner To Travel Across U.S. On Trike; Starts Ride In Aurora.

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TweetWood
A sampling.

"Hastert To Appear Before Judge Who Donated To His Campaign" #BecauseIllinois

— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) June 2, 2015

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People would speak eloquently abt gentrification & displacement & then some meatball would stand up & say, "sports build character."

— fire tom friedman (@firetomfriedman) June 2, 2015

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Art Institute Grad Covers Florida House In Aluminum Foil: http://t.co/7G6NGk5o29

— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) June 1, 2015

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Little Chicago mural in Moose Jaw: http://t.co/pDzkj2enfS

— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) June 1, 2015

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SeinfeldChicago: Kramer accidentally picks up Fred Hoiberg at the airport; Newman's no-bid contract w/CPS under scrutiny; Puddy paints face

— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) June 1, 2015

Elaine can't decide between Kane ("he has this move ... ") and Toews ("he's so captainy ... ")

— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) June 1, 2015

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The Beachwood Tip Line: Captainy.

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