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The [Tuesday] Papers

News you can abuse . . .

"United Continental Holdings, which operates United Airlines, this week finished its massive three-year move into Willis Tower, becoming the biggest tenant in Chicago's biggest skyscraper," the Tribune reports.

I guess United's friends kept making excuses.

*

If Alfonso Soriano rejects a trade to the Yankees - or anywhere - because he's afraid of feeling "comfortable," I will personally make sure he no longer feels comfortable in Chicago.

*

"Royal-watchers across the world waited for their first glimpse of Britain's new prince today, with Prince William and his wife, Kate, expected to leave a London hospital soon with their baby son," the Tribune reports.

"Their son is third in line to the throne after grandfather Charles and William, 31, and pushes the fun-loving Prince Harry, William's brother, into fourth place."

Is he now?

The screenplay - or Simpsons episode - writes itself.

*

You can use that sound clip for this item too. Only it's not funny.

*

"Rogue waves" at Lake Michigan. Seriously, man.

*

Joe Moore would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois' Law Enforcement Community.

*

"A subcommittee in the Republican-controlled U.S. House is proposing the steepest cut in spending on a far-reaching Great Lakes environmental cleanup program since it was established in 2009," AP reports.

"The panel approved a bill Tuesday that would spend just $60 million on the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, nearly 80 percent less than the $285 million in this year's budget."

The budget bill is called The Good Enough Lakes Initiative.

*

"RadioShack said Tuesday that its second-quarter loss widened as the struggling electronics retailer works to revamp its stores and product assortment ahead of the crucial holiday season," AP reports.

Here's an idea: Try InternetShack. Or, better yet, InternetCastle. Or, better yet, NetCastle.

Alternative: Harold's Chicken & Radio Shack.

*

"Metra's Plan For Probe Hits Snag."

It wasn't derailed?

*

"Two Highland Park Residents Charged In Prostitution Case."

Looks like the University of Illinois!

*

"The former chairman of a failed Wilmette bank and his wife, along with two former board members, have been arrested and charged with defrauding the federal government and misappropriation of funds," Crain's reports.

"Dr. Zulfikar Esmail, 70, owner and former chairman of Premier Bank, was arrested by state police July 10 at his home in Evanston and charged with being the organizer of a continuing financial crimes enterprise in conjunction with his activities at the bank, according to a spokeswoman for Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan. If convicted on the felony charges, he would face mandatory jail time of six to 30 years."

Gee, maybe Madigan really was going to run until her father got in her way; she'd already started taking out Bill Daley's base one at a time.

*

So our troops are staging for Syria here?

*

"Former Top SEC Enforcer Accepts $5 Million From Wall Street Firm."

Alternate: "Corporate Lawyer Successfully Completes Government Training, Is Called Up To Big Leagues And Signed To Huge Contract."

*

Biggest Weekend In Chicago Rock Ever Continued . . .

*

The Cub Factor: Get The Party Started.

*

Random Food Report: Kentucky Fried Chicken Possibly Neither.

Plus: Taco Bell Hates Kids, Stephanie Izard Is A Photobomber And The Search For A Jim Shoo Sub.

*

NSA Says It Can't Search Its Own E-Mails. Seriously.

-

The Beachwood Tip Line: Seriously.



Permalink

Posted on July 23, 2013


MUSIC - PJ Harvey Wins Pitchfork.
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SPORTS - World Roller Derby Day.

BOOKS - Trump's True Believers.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Land After Frac Sand.


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