The [Tuesday] Papers

Slouching toward 2012.

1. Onion or Sun-Times?

Cabbies Want 22 Percent Fare Hike, Vomit Clean-Up Tax.

2. Daley's Plan To Honor His Dad.

Dan Ryan to be re-routed to re-segregate Bridgeport.

3. Another Chicago Coinkydink.

City's Costly Sewer System Overhaul

vs.

Pilsen Streets Flooded By Water Main Break

4. Saving Chatham.

Garrett Popcorn

vs.

A Torch of Decency

5. Pardons.

Illinois

vs.

USA

6. Addressing Chicago's Hunger Problem.

7. Drug Dealer Assumed He Was Bribing Ald. Ed Burke.

So did these people.

8. Johnny Knox Faces 4 Months Of Recovery Following Back Surgery.

A facet joint, people.

9. Cougars Reach Naming Rights Deal With Fifth Third Bank.

Good. Cougar Bank sounds much better.

10. Pro-Lifers Sing Christmas Carols At Chicago Abortion Clinics.

Fine, but holiday carols would shame more women.

11. Chicago Train Stations Deploying Redbox.

Next up: Deploying trains that work.

12. "Today, Kraft Foods, the nation's biggest foodmaker, will roll out in Chicago a device that dispenses its mousse-like Temptations dessert by Jell-O, but only to the product's target market: grown-ups," USA Today reports. "The machine, developed by Intel, can detect facial age with a special camera that scans your face and determines if you're an adult or a kid. If the machine detects a child, it shuts down and asks the child to step away. If it detects an adult - bingo - the sample can be dispensed."

The technology will also be deployed to gain admittance to the Bears' huddle.

13. Winnetka Woman Wraps Up Quest To Meet All Her Facebook Friends.

14. Muddy Waters Meets Chicago House.

15. Chicago's Amazing Racers.

16. Occupy Road Trip.

17. And A Bull Named Benny Shall Lead Them . . .

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The Beachwood Tip Line: Torch song.

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