The [Tuesday] Papers
Due to the new austerity in America, the Beachwood is required to take a furlough day today, though I may tempt fate and post later on. Also, American dollars will no longer be accepted as tips at the bar; we now prefer gold bullions. Other little-known clauses in the debt ceiling bill:
* Chicken McNuggets will now only come in the six-piece size.
* McRib won't be back until 2013; and even then, only if the Super Congress trips the right trigger.
* All light beers will become even lighter.
* The NHL and NBA will no longer have a regular season, though the playoffs will now last about six months.
* Engines for cars sold separately.
* Batteries now never included.
* Tax credits for all butter churn purchases.
* Ed Burke's security guards no longer available for non-PGA caliber courses.
* South Side baseball managers must pay a luxury tax per every mile away from their home stadium they move.
* Lady Gaga will now be known as Lady Ga.
* Five-dollar footlongs now only six inches.
* Happy hour now only thirty minutes.
* Health care will be rationed. Er, wait . . .
* Text rates will now apply to U.S. mail.
* Twitter now just 70 characters.
* Month of April eliminated.
* A baker's dozen will now consist of 11.
* Marshall amps will now only go to 10.
* 7-11 now 6-10.
See you later today or tomorrow.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Now 50% more austere.
Posted on August 2, 2011
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