The [Tuesday] Papers

Due to the new austerity in America, the Beachwood is required to take a furlough day today, though I may tempt fate and post later on. Also, American dollars will no longer be accepted as tips at the bar; we now prefer gold bullions. Other little-known clauses in the debt ceiling bill:

* Chicken McNuggets will now only come in the six-piece size.

* McRib won't be back until 2013; and even then, only if the Super Congress trips the right trigger.

* All light beers will become even lighter.

* The NHL and NBA will no longer have a regular season, though the playoffs will now last about six months.

* Engines for cars sold separately.

* Batteries now never included.

* Tax credits for all butter churn purchases.

* Ed Burke's security guards no longer available for non-PGA caliber courses.

* South Side baseball managers must pay a luxury tax per every mile away from their home stadium they move.

* Lady Gaga will now be known as Lady Ga.

* Five-dollar footlongs now only six inches.

* Happy hour now only thirty minutes.

* Health care will be rationed. Er, wait . . .

* Text rates will now apply to U.S. mail.

* Twitter now just 70 characters.

* Month of April eliminated.

* A baker's dozen will now consist of 11.

* Marshall amps will now only go to 10.

* 7-11 now 6-10.

See you later today or tomorrow.

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The Beachwood Tip Line: Now 50% more austere.

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