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The [Tuesday] Papers

BREAKING 3:24 P.M.: The Appellate Court of the Division of Beachwood has ordered me to appear as fill-in bartender this evening from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Specials include three-and-a-half finger Ballot Busters and Kneetinis, as well as all domestic beers for $3.50, Bell's Amber for $3.50 and mimosas for $3. Pool is free tonight.

We'd like to especially welcome members of the Illinois judiciary.


Oprah Update
More secrets Oprah has yet to reveal. See comments.

Tweeting Rahm
From @BeachwoodReport yesterday:

#Rahm seen at Whole Foods buying three dead fish.

Note: Yeah, should've been two.


Gery #Chico seen at Bed, Bath & Beyond buying drapes.

Note: Yeah, probably should have been tape measure for drapes.


Court knocks #Rahm off ballot, but says Caleb #Hanie good to go.


If court ruling stands, #Rahm will finish with fewer valid votes than Dock Walls. Weird.


Court also rules Jeff #Tweedy ineligible to play #Rahm fundraiser, citing case law prohibiting local artists from blowing our minds.


Steven #Spielberg orders appellate court to bring in script doctor.


Court in #Rahm case rules threat to reside not sufficient.


With #Rahm off ballot, experts expect douchebag vote to go to Chico.

A Day In The Life Of Jay
A Cutler Compendium Including His Post-Game Dinner With Kristin Cavallari And The Inevitable Hitler Video.


Doctors confirm Grade II MCL Sprain, which disables the knee, the heart and the head.

Rahm's Dirty Talk
And other secrets Oprah will reveal.

Chicago's Breakfast Club
How can we forget about you if you won't go away? No, seriously, most of these songs are on the Beachwood jukebox.

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
Parents: "This is America! No one deserves to be tried as a black man!"

U.S.: Learn Signs of a Heart Attack
Women have to be extra vigilant.

Programming Note
More to come, I'm just one person, people. I bartended last night (thanks to everyone who stopped by, we had a good turnout and a great jukebox run). I'm broke. I've got a Rahm residency piece I started probably two months ago. This stuff isn't easy, it just looks that way. So be patient.

But I'll tell you one thing: The appellate court got it right and I'm not just saying that because I'm opposed to Rahm's mayoral bid. It's the law, which the media seems to want to apply to everyone except favored insiders. Of all the ridiculous reasons why candidates have been ousted from Illinois ballots this campaign season, this would easily stand as the least flimsiest.

But then, the editorial pages and pundits haven't been arguing the law, but for their own warped, intermittent sense of how democracy ought to work. You know, for people we like and people too big to be bothered with the nuances of the law used to bludgeon others.

But that piece isn't ready yet.

In the meantime, ask yourself why Barack Obama is once again supporting the cynical/status quo/Machine/Daley hatchet man instead of the only real progressive/reformer/change agent in the race, just like he's done his entire career.

And let's ask the same thing of Jeff Tweedy, Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and the rest of the phonies trying to buy this thing for a political operative who embodies nearly everything that is wrong with our politics - including people in Hollywood who have given no consideration to the issues facing our city or the other candidates in the race trying to install a friend in high elected office as a favor without any regard to the health of our democracy.

Back later.


The Beachwood Tip Line: Residential.


Posted on January 25, 2011

MUSIC - Madonna vs. Moderna.
TV - Sundays With The Military-Industrial Complex.
POLITICS - Private Equity In The ER.
SPORTS - Suspicious Betting Trends In Soccer.

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


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