The [Thursday] Papers

News you can abuse.

1. Former Attorney General Fahner Calls Pension Mess 'Unfixable.'

Then he tells us how to fix it.

2. Lovie Smith Says Long-Term Harm From Concussions Unproven.

Which proves the study that shows long-term harm from concussions includes forgetting the long-term harm from concussions.

3. Nobody Knows Where Jesse Jackson Jr. Is.

Maybe we should make him the CIA director.

4. No City Hall Hearings Expected Into Police Code Of Silence.

Extending police code of silence to City Hall.

5. Rep. Jim Watson Leaving For Private Sector.

Proving once again the revolving door industry is recession-proof.

6. School Closings Complicated By Crowded Classrooms.

Kids get in the way of reform again.

7. Firearm Deer Season Beginning In Illinois.

Good. It's about time we armed the deer.

8. School Board President: "You shouldn't be trying to intimidate people."

Let's try that again: "You shouldn't be trying to intimidate people."

9. Derrick Smith Trial Set For October 2013.

Derrick Smith re-election bid set for 2014 pending appeal.

10. With Veto-Proof Majority, Cullerton Says He Still Wants GOP Input.

For example, paper or plastic?

11. Bon Jovi's Daughter Arrested After Possible Heroin OD.

She gives drugs a bad name.

12. United Computer Outage Strands Passengers Across Country.

Pending tech support, all radar screens look like this.

13. Chicago's Drunken Donuts Go National.

Finally, some good press.

14. This Week in Pizza.

Leftover from yesterday.

15. A Chicago Suburb Held A Cigar Box Guitar Festival.

And a Chicago exurb held a pizza box guitar festival.

16. The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Tight Ends And Package Deals.

The homoeroticism of the Chicago Bears.

17. London View: Chicago Blues.

Dear America: You and your president suck.

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