The [Thanksgiving Weekend] Papers

Dear readers, as it turns out, Weekend Desk Editor Natasha Julius is on a super secret assignment in Michigan so super secret I didn't even know about it. (Memo to Natasha: Let GM die - except for the Camaro.)

We do have a video today, though. I'm in it for the horses freaked out by the parade logo.

CM Punk at Chicago Thanksgiving Day Parade

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The [Black Friday] Papers

Before we get to today's special edition of The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week . . . You know, the Beachwood staff does and does for you people. Here's what we have:

* God Gave Rock and Roll To You. This is our way of giving thanks.

* A Beachwood Thanksgiving Poem For Children On The Subject Of Gluttony. Audio version.

* Home for the Holidays: The Sequel. Claudia Hunter returns with an update. Go back and read her whole series from last year, it's both frightening and hilarious. We provide the links.

* The Turkey Bowl. Brought to you by our very own Dan O'Shea and his Fantasy Fix column.

* The Lone Daley Dissenter. Is Billy Ocasio showing gumption?

* The [Thanksgiving] Papers.

* Turkey-shaped Jell-O Mold.

* Beware fake Black Friday news.

* Reading With Scissors, featuring Classic Gouda-style Cheese and The Biggest, Baddest Toilet Seat in the World.

* The Sound Opinions Turkey Shoot. "Jim, Greg and some listeners carve up the year's biggest musical turkeys."

* Watch for Natasha Julius's fabulous Weekend Desk Report on Saturday.

* And now . . . Stephanie B. Goldberg brings you a very special edition of . . .

The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week
Today I get to be Martha Stewart and share my helpful household hints.

1. This year's in-drink is the Pisco Sour, made with the fabled Peruvian brandy, sugar syrup, Angostura bitters (I always wondered what they were good for) and freshly squeezed lime juice. Stir well and pour over the nearest Bush. Here's looking at you, kid.

2. For Thanksgiving, I served the house specialty - Turkey a La Sarah Palin. It's stuffed with Wingnuts and basted in oil, which was an absolute steal. A big holiday dinner is always a challenge, but I was lucky to have a little help in the kitchen.

3. What's on your Black Friday shopping list? I was thinking of buying Woolworth's, but I don't think I could handle the payroll. Then I thought of picking up Ann Taylor or Chico's as a stocking stuffer, but those two haven't gone the way of Linens 'n Things yet. Still, I wouldn't sit on those gift cards if you know what I mean.

4. How about a little holiday pampering? Lucky magazine had a swell tip for healing chapped lips by massaging them with Visine but darned if they didn't take it off their website. Maybe somebody tipped them off that the vasoconstrictor that's the active ingredient in Visine can be fatal. But you'll leave a good-looking corpse!

5. Speaking of pampering, we girls of a certain age can't wait for the FDA to approve Vavelta, the UK's answer to Restylane. The good news is that it cancels out pockmarks. (Good for you, F. Murray Abraham.) The bad news is that this clear liquid filler is - oh, how do I put this delicately? - cultured from infants' foreskins. Somebody pour me a Pisco Sour.

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The Beachwood Tip Line: Give thanks.