The [Saturday] Papers

A NOTE TO READERS ABOUT THE BEACHWOOD'S WEEKEND EDITIONS: We're gonna kind of fake it around here on Saturdays, just like the daily papers do. And look for The [Sunday] Papers on Mondays, when we've had time to digest the folly and get some sleep. We'll deal with the Monday papers then, too. You can also look forward to new postings throughout the site next week. In the meantime, remember one of our many mottos: Admit nothing, blame everyone, be bitter. Cheers!

Voice of the People: The best part of the Chicago Tribune today is its letters page. An index.

Letters from Don Knotts fans: 2
Letters from Chicago aldermen: 1
Letters from gubernatorial campaign managers: 1
Most persuasive letters: The ones from the Knotts fans.

Thank you, Chip Marshall, of Glenview: Who wrote to the Tribune, in part . . .

"As word spread of Knotts' passing, I laughed aloud replaying in my head just one of the highly successful show's most hilarious episodes--'Convicts At-Large'--in which Barney and Floyd the Barber (Howard McNear) are held hostage by a gang of women prison escapees who have been hiding in O'Malley's cabin on the outskirts of Mayberry.

"Sheriff Andy spots Floyd, accompanied by one of the female convicts, in town buying groceries and becomes suspicious. Andy and O'Malley, who had just returned from an out-of-town trip, then engineer a scheme to capture all but the group's ringleader, 'Big Maude,' whom Barney manages to tango out the door and into awaiting handcuffs."

Recommended Reading: "Noodle Prices Rise, Along With Chinese Tempers," from the front page of today's New York Times.

To whet your appetite, here's the lead:

LANZHOU, China -- One difference between China's remote west and the rest of the country is what people choose to put in their stomachs. Noodles, not rice, are the favorite dish, none more so than the steaming bowl of beef noodles named after this decaying provincial capital on the Yellow River.

So in February, as noodle patrons across the city arrived for their morning fix, an unexpected notice awaited them: The price of a bowl of Lanzhou pulled beef noodles was going up. A large bowl, once only 27 cents, would now cost almost 31 cents.

Dusty Devils: The Times also reports that Bruce Springsteen will release "We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions" in April, on which The Boss covers 13 songs associated with Pete Seeger.

Unfortunately, Springsteen's other big project, "We Shall Go To Katmandu: The Bob Seger Sessions," has apparently been shelved.

Answering Amy: In which we take one question posed each week to the Tribune's highly-paid, highly-marketed, highly-mediocre advice columnist and contrast her answer with ours.

Dear Amy: Recently you stated in your column that most people could not imagine sleeping with the same person for the rest of their lives.

If this is truly the case, then why marry?

I've been married for 43 years and have never felt any need to sleep with anyone other than my husband. Our physical relationship has only improved over the years.

- Barbara

Dear Barbara: I do think it's a common premarriage anxiety to worry about being with one person for the rest of your life. It's great to learn that your relationship has grown and improved with time.

- Amy

Dear Barbara (cc: Amy): You could do Amy's job twice as well at half the pay. Please contact the Tribune Co.'s Cost-Cutting Division.

- Beachwood Advice Affairs Desk

Chicago Patent of the Week
"A theft deterrent wheel fastener cap assembly."

Inventor/Assignee: Larry J. Wilson (Commerce Township, MI)/MacLean-Fogg Company (Mundelein, IL).

Description: "The present invention relates to a decorative cap for enclosing the head of a wheel bolt or wheel nut or the like which fastens a wheel to the hub of a vehicle, comprising an end closure wall, an endless side wall extending from an outer periphery of said end closure wall, a skid extending radially outwardly from a periphery of said side wall, and said skirt having a plurality of locking lips depending therefrom for releasably gripping the head."

Trademark of the Week
"Put It In The Cup!"

Who: Napco, Inc. (Batavia, IL)

Description: "Promoting the sale of coffee through the administration of incentive awards programs."

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