The [Olympic Visit] Papers
Welcome to our city, United States Olympic Committee!
Sorry about those delays at O'Hare. Hey, we can't control the weather!
Huh? Oh, uh, no, the downtown airport doesn't exist anymore. Sorry 'bout that. Long story.
So how was your ride in on the Kennedy? Inspiring? Ask not what this road can do for you, heh-heh. He was a Berliner, you know.
Anyway, yeah, the trains you saw in the middle of the highway, those can be speeded up by 2016. See, this is the Midwest. We have things called "slow zones." You know, slow but steady. We like it like that here. It's a heartland thing. Ever see those Comcast commercials with the Slowskys?
So, I know you're all on a tight schedule, but please make time to stop by the offices of U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald to get a rundown on exciting local events. He has some excellent guides to getting things done here. They're called indictments! Heh-heh.
And don't forget to visit one of our many fine Tax Increment Financing Districts. We have more of these than Historic Districts because we're all about the future!
Foie gras is no longer served here (wink, wink), but you can get a heaping dish of clout at the Park Grill at Millennium Park! Yeah, we know how to get things done.
In fact, those faces spitting out water - they're spitting on taxpayers, heh-heh! You know what I'm talking about.
Okay, let's talk turkey. What do you want? Bond deals? Asphalt contracts? Development deals? Name a ward. The McDonald's concessions at O'Hare? An introduction to Tony Rezko? Think big.
Oprah? Michael Jordan?
Well, uh, they're not really, um, available right now. But don't worry. They're just trying to wangle a few zoning applications out of the planning department. They'll be there at go time.
Hey, wanna meet Obama? It's really no problem. You might say we've got him right here in our back pocket, heh-heh!
Come to think of it, maybe an ambassadorship is in your future? Huh? Huh? Yeah, I thought so.
Well, that's enough business for one day. Steaks and martinis? Who's up for it? I'll have the limo brought 'round.
Washington Park? Well, the truth is, I don't really know how to get there. Never been!
But trust me, it'll be great. We can hand out contracts not just to build the stadium, but to tear it down! Is this a great city or what?
Um, can you repeat that? Does it fly? Why, uh, yes, Soldier Field, uh, does fly. I mean, when we want it to. But we don't do that much - except for that time we took it out to O'Hare. Oops! The mayor is still pissed about that one. Something about a no-fly zone.
So, this is our famous Lake Shore Drive. South? What do you mean, "take it south?" I'm not familiar with the concept. I think it's one-way. Hey, let's turn back around so you can admire our lovely skyline. Did you know we're getting a Trump building?
You don't like Trump?
Hey, it's not a Trump building til the name goes on! Should we make it a Gehry? I'm pretty sure he's not still mad at the mayor.
Wait, that's my cell . . . excuse me, it's the governor.
No, Rod, it's just the United States Olympic Committee. The International Olympic Committee won't be here for a few years . . . No, I don't think they can offer asylum . . . No, I don't think the USOC can offer immunity . . . No, they haven't met with Rezko yet . . . Okay, okay, I'll ask.
Say, boys, wanna buy a lottery?
Well, no harm in asking.
So where were we?
Ah yes, the skyline. We're extending it into the neighborhoods.
Those things? Those things are blue-lights. We put them wherever there are sales - drug sales, that is! Ha, ha!
But you know, if you guys need anything, we can handle that for you.
Really? Well, we kind of cleaned up North Avenue. But let me make a few phone calls. Where are you staying tonight?
Well, speak of the devil! Here come the editors of the Sun-Times! They'll give you full run of the newsroom.
Now how 'bout those steaks.
What, you have to head home already?
Well, enjoy your gift bags!
And by the way, thanks for your absentee voting last week. Really appreciate it. See you in 2016.
In Today's Reporter
* Cate Plys writes to The People Who Normally Park in the 5300 to 5500 Blocks of S. Shore Drive. In Open Letter.
* Barista! responds to the Head Bean's latest memo from Corporate.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Go for the gold.
Posted on March 6, 2007
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