The [New Year's] Papers

By Steve Rhodes

Some highlights from Beachwood 2009. Are we not the most interesting publication on the planet?

* Huberman's CPS. Slow zones and derailments come to Chicago schools.

* The Broom of Wicker Park. Why doesn't a park in a purported artists' neighborhood didn't feature more works by its artists? Perhaps because that work does not conform to Official History, like the statue of Charles Wicker and his broom.

* Weep Not For The Newspaper Industry. Now is not the time for your tears.

* 20 Tweets: Billy Dec. Kickn it w/Paris Hilton, Mancow & Oprah.

* Serenade of the Seas. Douchey young people and the Well of Cheese.

* Zellweger vs. Aniston. What Renee has that Jennifer doesn't.

* We Love Q. With a coach like Q, the Hawks just can't be bad.

* Senator Oprah. Welcome to National Girlfriend Day and After The Vote sessions.

* Ginsu Blago. I am asking you to look at the evidence I have presented here.

* Mystery Burris Theater. Most painful wiretap ever.

* Olympic Smackdown Theater. If you don't know which alderman at the table is the tool, then it's you.

* Our Award. City council investigators claim their prize.

* Mystery Health Care Speech Theater. Death panels and change.

* Other Public Public Options We'd Like To Have. The Public Interest Option, for example.

* The New Block 37. Featuring the Foreclosure Mart and Kurtisville.

* Rockford's Firebird. Do the Rockford.

* Dog vs. Kat. One used to be a bad-ass; the other wants to be a bad-ass.

* Doing David Letterman. From parodist to parodied.

* Douche or Tool: Billy Corgan. We do the math.

* Song of the Moment: Man in the Mirror. Sees himself, but not the songwriter.

* Help keep the party going.

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