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The [Christmas Eve] Papers

Is sweeping the Packers really more satisfying than getting into the playoffs? That's why rivalries are not only overrated, but silly and immature.

Bear Market
* "There is no overstating how well Kyle Orton threw the ball," our very own Jim Coffman writes in Bear Monday, the city's best Bears wrap-up. "All day long his spirals were as tight as tourniquets."

* "You can't salvage a losing season," Mike Mulligan writes in the Sun-Times. "That's the bitter reality the Bears face."

* "How long should Mike McCarthy play Brett Favre and other key veterans in the regular-season finale?"
- Online poll at PackersNews.com, because Green Bay is going to the playoffs

Shoppers Delight
"This is the season of frenetic shopping, but for a devious few people it's also the season of spirited shopdropping," the New York Times reports on its front page today.

"Otherwise known as reverse shoplifting, shopdropping involves surreptitiously putting things in stores, rather than illegally taking them out, and the motivations vary.

"Anti-consumerist artists slip replica products packaged with political messages onto shelves while religious proselytizers insert pamphlets between pages of gay-and-lesbian readings at book stores.

"Self-published authors sneak their works into the 'new releases' section, while personal trainers put their business cards into weight-loss books and aspiring professional photographers make home made cards - their Web site address included, of course - and covertly plant them into stationery-store racks."

My favorite is this photo accompanied by this caption: "A Wal-Mart cashier tried unsuccessfully to check the price on an Anarchist action figure, an item the company does not sell."

*

Of course, shopdropping isn't just for Christmas.

Christmas Carol
Among Carol Marin's Christmas wishes:

* "Interviews for Barack and Michelle Obama with the Chicago media, whom they mostly dodge."

* "Better answers from the mayor about his son and nephew's city contract."

* "Stamina for Cindi Canary and Jay Stewart, lonely government watchdogs. So much corruption, so little time. Stay strong."

Santa Song
It's the 11th Day of Beachwood Christmas!

On the 11th day of Christmas, Santa gave to me
rap rock like Kid Rock and Run-DMC
.

Then again, every day is Christmas at the Beachwood!

Give the gift of the Beachwood!

*

We're here for you through the holiday. Settle in with our guide to the college bowl season and wager appropriately. Play the Bears Drinking Game to make watching them finish out their sorry season, um, bearable. And don't forget stocking stuffers for your favorite players.

*

Beachwood season greetings:

- Dear Macy's: The Walnut Room sucks!
- Dear Oprah: Don't do it!
- Dear Patti Blagojevich: Congratulations!

*

From the holiday vault:

- Home for the Holidays: Start from the bottom!
- 20 Carols
- A Poem For The Children On The Subject Of Gluttony
- Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
- Day in the Life: Christmas Radio
- The Hester Man Can!

*

This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.

*

Action Alert
In the wake of the shockingly apt accidental death of roofing billionaire Ken Hendricks, the Weekend Desk Holiday Disaster Team has issued alerts for the following public figures.

1. Having succumbed to a surge in infection, President Bush will deny his rising fever until it's far too late.

2. Sam Zell will be crushed while dismantling a printing press.

3. Despite a detailed explanation of his symptoms, doctors won't know what to make of Mitt Romney's sudden decline.

4. After underestimating the amount of time required, Barack Obama will consume too much half-baked bread.

5. Roger Clemens will be shot in the ass.

6. Friends of Governor Rod Blagojevich will throw him under a Hannah Montana tour bus somewhere far away from Springfield.

7. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger will continue to drown at an unbelievably slow rate.

*

Tomorrow we will bring you the 12th and final Beachwood Christmas song, and then return to normal on Wednesday with a full slate of ridicule. In the meantime, we wish you a holiday with minimal aggravation - and that goes for the atheists and agnostics our there too. Keep the faithlessness!

The Beachwood Tip Line: Help us help you.



Permalink

Posted on December 24, 2007


MUSIC - Blues Fest 2017.
TV - 'The Worst FCC I've Ever Seen.'
POLITICS - Minimum Wage Hikes Work.
SPORTS - On Joe Louis, Race And Sports Heroes.

BOOKS - The Blood Of Emmett Till.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Artist As Alchemist.


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