The [Monday] Papers
1. The Bears.
"Based on the Bears' performance against the Chargers, they have a defense that could carry them back to the Super Bowl and an offense that could prevent them from even making the playoffs."
2. The Cubs.
"The Chicago Cubs fell out of first place in the NL Central because they again couldn't beat a team that's spent most of the past month in last place."
"Having replaced traditional stage gear with cutting-edge digital amplifiers and in-ear monitors, Lee filled the space vacated by his own speaker cabinets with three rotisserie ovens packed with roasting chickens."
4. The Flaming Lips.
"Before the Flaming Lips' sold-out concert Friday at the Aragon even began, singer Wayne Coyne fired streamers and roadies tossed red-laser pointers into the audience. A blinking lighting rig then descended like a UFO from the ceiling and disgorged three-quarters of the band. Coyne then emerged from the top of the contraption in a transparent bubble and rolled over the ecstatic crowd.
"The merry band of Oklahoma City pranksters had seemingly blown their bag of tricks five minutes into the show. But, as it turns out, they were just getting started."
"USA: A 4-2 loss to the five-time world champions Brazil, who looked as though they'd been sampling some of the finer sights of 'Chi Town,' judging by their marking at set-pieces."
7. The Univision debate.
The Mystery Debate Theater team gathered at Beachwood HQ to take in Destino 2008 Foro Presidencial. Unfortunately, we didn't realize that the Spanish-language debate would only be translated for the gringo candidates on the stage, though we're pretty sure the first question addressed to Barack Obama was "Are you black enough?"
Having missed the last Republican debate, we came well-stocked with catch-up Fred Thompson jokes, but instead spent our time wondering if Bill Richardson was as inept in other languages as he is in English and if anyone was calling Mike Gravel El Loco.
After the debate, I stumbled upon an AP report that said: "Anchors Jorge Ramos and Maria Elena Salinas posed questions in Spanish and the candidates had earpieces to hear simultaneous translations into English. The candidates' responses were simultaneously translated into Spanish for broadcast, and English-speaking viewers could watch using the closed caption service on their televisions."
Which made us feel like idiots, except that even then I couldn't figure out how to get my closed-caption to translate.
We are pretty sure, though, that Univision means "One Vision." We, however, prefer Telemundo, which means "Great Television!"
"At least she should have plenty of spare time to look after the kids.
"Thanks for nothing."
"There is a sense of deja vu surrounding Monday's Congressional testimony by General David Petraeus. In 1967, President Lyndon B. Johnson recalled his top general in Vietnam to defend the war against criticism from Congress.
"Back in Washington, General William Westmoreland said the military had reached a point where 'the end begins to come into view.' There would be 'light at the end of the tunnel,' but 'mopping up the enemy' might take two more years."
An ancestor said to have been slain by pirates!
A thieving witch hunter!
Wow, Barack Obama sure is the embodiment of . . . everyone!
Oh wait. What's this?
"[A]s dramatic as some of the leaves on Obama's family tree might seem, [genealogist Christopher] Child said most people who trace their lineage back several gerneations would find comparable intrigue."
In other words, most of our family trees wouldn't be any less shocking or revelatory than Obama's. So why do the story? Can we stop fetishizing the man's background now?
Or will we have to keep putting up with this sort of nonsense?
"Obama definitely has presidential timber in his family tree: He's distantly related to three U.S. presidents - Harry S. Truman, George W. Bush and George Herbert Walker Bush - as well as to Vice President Dick Cheney."
And you probably are too.
"I found I'm related to 18 presidents," Child said.
If you go back far enough, we all are.
In other news, several Iowa City bars have announced that Sundays are the new Thursdays!
When will people learn.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Closed captions available.
Posted on September 10, 2007
© 2006 - 2017, The Beachwood Media Company