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The [Monday] Papers

Briefly, this morning, I'm tending to business. I'll be back at full speed tomorrow.

1. The funny thing about Zach Johnson winning the Masters on Sunday was how every time he thanked his Lord and Savior ("Jesus was with me every step of the way. I felt him"), the television crew pretended they didn't hear him and went right on with their questions.

2. So Jesus was on loan from Carlos Zambrano?

3. Does that mean Jesus wasn't with Tiger Woods every step of the way? Tiger didn't pray hard enough? That Jesus cares more about who wins the Master's than, say, the slaughter in Darfur?

4. The Missing Gospels: The resurrection will occur in Miami - and the savior will be a black man.

5. Crucifest!

6. Cubs catcher Michael Barrett - not the smartest bat in the rack - wants to keep Wrigley Field just as it is. With a dome. But otherwise, just as it is.

7.The Sun-Times publishes a press release from the mayor today that isn't under Fran Spielman's byline.

8. What a bunch of chumps. He won't answer questions from the paper's reporters, but the editors give him unfettered access to their pages. No wonder he is so disdainful of the press; they don't demand respect. And maybe they don't deserve it.

9. Meet the new boss.

10. The state is going to save you money if they have to kill you to do it.

11. Couldn't Patti Blagojevich have just gone to work for Century 21?

12. Couldn't Patti Blagojevich . . .

13. The Sun-Times redesign seems to have taken on the old mission of the now-defunct Red Streak: to confuse potential customers into thinking its RedEye.

14. Is the redesign hiding a cutback in news?

15. Or does it just look that way because of the emphasis on advertising over the fade-into-the-distance and off-the-page news stories? "It all looks like 'Special Advertising Section,' like 'This is not a real news story,'" says local small business owner and Beachwood associate Andrew Kingsford.

16. "I'm an urban builder," Ald. Dorothy Tillman (3rd) proclaimed on Munir Muhammad's public access TV show over the weekend. I doubt even Barack Obama, who has endorsed her over union-backed challenger Pat Dowell, believes that.

17. In an example of Obama's commitment to transcending the smallness of our politics, Tillman said 2nd Ward challenger Bob Fioretti is "a stalker. It's been proven that he don't like women." Despite NOW's on-again, off-again endorsement, I think the evidence still tilts pretty strongly in Fioretti's favor at this point.

18. It was altogether fitting that Ald. Madeline Haitchock (2nd) didn't show up for Muhammad's show, given her pattern of skipping candidate forums even amidst allegations that she is inaccessible.

19. At Operation PUSH on Saturday, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called the governor's tax plan "ham-and-egg justice." The ham and egg go together, he explained, but only one has chosen to be there. The chicken can drop the egg and move along. The ham is taken from the pig and, well, that's that. I haven't done the metaphor justice, I know. Ham-and-egg justice. It just sounds so good.

20. "Let the Tribune and Sun-Times pay their share of taxes," Jackson also said. Under the structure of Sam Zell's deal for Tribune Company, it won't have to pay corporate income taxes for several years. But you will.

21. Dennis FitzSimons made $6.2 million last year. These folks didn't.

22. "Preservation Becoming an Illusion."

In Today's Reporter
* The Cub Factor, our new weekly column introducing such instantly lovable features as Sweet and Sour Lou and Beachwood Sabermetrics.

* Our secret history of rock and roll stops in Arizona.

* Cash flow secrets and taxicab tales.

The Weekend Desk Report
By Natasha Julius.

Market Update
The volatility of our own marketplace has launched myriad rumors, so it pains us to confirm that the Weekend Desk has been sold to Don Imus. Despite a late counter-offer from another well-known player, we concluded Imus was the only bidder in a position to fully leverage the colossal debt of all our bad jokes.
Selling Low
Actually, in retrospect, maybe we should've held out for an offer from this guy.

Three-Track Attack
Despite dire forecasts of a sudden drop in our quality of life, it turns out we were in Hell to begin with. So, you know, buck up!

Update from the Axis, Part 1
After several tense weeks of outlandish threats and empty posturing by all sides involved, Paris Hilton agreed to release 15 British naval officers she contends had strayed into her territorial waters some time ago. The officers in question, meanwhile, have confirmed what we have long suspected about the hotel hussie: bitch is cold!

Update from the Axis, Part 2
Meanwhile, apparently unwilling to intervene in the Hilton situation, Vice President Cheney continues to insist on a sinister link between two well-known purveyors of terrorism. For her part, alleged party to destruction Hilary Duff has downplayed the connection.

Update from the Axis, Part 3
Finally this week, it appears the United States has found a way to motivate its frequently reluctant partner in global stability. We caution against too much optimism, however. Britney's bound to totally hate us by the end of next week.

The Beachwood Tip Line: A one-track attack.


Posted on April 9, 2007

MUSIC - Lyric Opera Strike Settled.
POLITICS - USA Today's Op-Ed Disaster.
SPORTS - SportsMonday: Come On, Vic!

BOOKS - Chicago Book Haul: The Dial.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: West Town Blues.

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