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The [Monday] Papers

No column today, but a few other treats.

* Our very own Andrew Reilly is back today with his weekly White Sox Report, and I dare say it's the best piece of sportswriting in the nation today, even if he's wrong about the Twins' rotation. Writeth Andrew:

"Mark Kotsay batting fifth. Alex Rios coming off an absolutely Swisherian season. All the optimism in the world suggesting Andruw Jones will, at best, get on base 30 percent of the time. The oldest player in the American League backing up the most reckless. Mark Teahen replacing Gordon Beckham replacing Chris Getz. Their best players in decline, their eventual best not yet there, and the whole thing just reeking of another season spent envying the competition. But it's only April, so let's not yet dwell on things which might not happen."

* Our very own Jim "Coach" Coffman is back today with his weekly SportsMonday, and I dare say he rounds up the doings of our local disasters better than anyone out there. Writeth Coach:

"Third baseman Mark Teahan and the three-year contract he signed with general manager Kenny Williams are a mystery. (Three years Kenny? Who were you bidding against, teams from the Moon League?)"

* The Beachwood Brackets: Updated to reflect the privatization of America.

* Finally, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: if you're not reading Natasha Julius's Weekend Desk Report, you are not living a life as fulfilling as you could be. Here's this week's, and remember we keep them archived with the Papers columns here. Treat yourself.


The Weekend Desk Report
We're not trying to be unethical or anything, but if you voted for Obama seek your weekend news somewhere else.

Market Update
The need to count ourselves spurred a heartening recovery in the job market last month. Those concerned that the upturn is temporary should take heart; analysts suggest by the time the 2010 census ends, a lot more people will be needed to creatively count the unemployed.

Unfit State
The welcome news of economic recovery was slow to affect Michigan, where more people are out of work than anywhere else in the nation. Of course, recent evidence suggest more people in Michigan are out of their damn minds than anywhere else in the nation as well.

Ike Strike
As a major construction project gets underway on the Eisenhower, commuters face an unenviable choice: sit in endless traffic or cram themselves onto crowded CTA trains and buses. Or, you know, find some way to combine the two.

Vatican Pwned
In a subconscious bid to heal the wounds within the Catholic Church, the Pope's personal preacher Father Raniero Cantalamessa used his Good Friday sermon to inadvertently reverse decades of Vatican denials by violating Godwin's Law. Victims' rights groups hailed the speech as an "epic fail" that might lead to meaningful reform.

Loan Sharked
Finally this week, the Cubs' collective attempt to lease the soul of Wrigley Field to a heartless conspiracy has hit another snag. Analysts suggest this could be beneficial, however, as these types of arrangements never seem to pay off in the long run.


The Beachwood Tip Line: Epic success.


Posted on April 5, 2010

MUSIC - Madonna vs. Moderna.
TV - Sundays With The Military-Industrial Complex.
POLITICS - Private Equity In The ER.
SPORTS - Suspicious Betting Trends In Soccer.

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


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