The [Monday] Papers
By Steve Rhodes
Wow, that really sucked. You'd think the swine flu would be more fun to have considering it's named after a beast that gives us so much goodness.
LISA: I'm going to become a vegetarian.
HOMER: Does that mean you're not going to eat any pork?
LISA: Yes, Dad.
LISA: Dad, all those meats come from the same animal.
HOMER: Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!
But it was no fun at all. In fact, I've never felt worse. As some of you who know me personally know, I offered at one point to sign over our $35,000 grant from the Chicago Community Trust to whoever would come over and smother me with a pillow.
I couldn't even manage to craft a joke out of swine flu not being kosher, though I did steal a line from Beachwood regular Jash and ask several people to send over the hambulance.
I can't tell you what a delight it was to wake up in a pool of sweat over and over and over. Or to cough so much and so deeply that I pulled every minute muscle in my body . . . over and over and over. Or to feel like my skull was giving me a personal lesson in plate tectonics.
I swear, I do not know how people persevere through serious disease. I would not be a hero.
Anyway, now I'm on an antibiotic to make sure I don't lapse into pneumonia but - unlike the economy - I'm on the recovery curve. I'm just very weak. I ate a real meal on Sunday for the first time in seven days, so it's gonna take some time to get my strength back.
He's Jay Cutler!
"A victory would have put the Bears back at .500, just one game removed from a wild-card spot. Instead a loss puts them in the middle of nowhere. Not good enough to contend in an ordinary conference and not even in position to benefit for their failure in terms of draft picks.
"Moreover, this game was a further stripping away of the devices the Bears have used to defend themselves. It was the third straight loss after the humiliation at home by Arizona and a bad loss in San Francisco. The Bears have lost five of their last six, with the only victory coming against Cleveland on Nov. 1. You can argue they haven't had a legitimate victory since before the bye week on Oct. 4 against Detroit."
And half of drivers 55-70 admit to reading a newspaper while driving.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Using all of the pig.
Posted on November 23, 2009
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