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The [Friday] Papers

Due to service issues with my DSL service, Speakeasy, now a MegaPath brand, I only have access to a portion of the Internet, so today's items do not reflect the stories most deserving of attention but the stories I was able to get to. Enjoy!

1. Asian Carp Could Invade Great Lakes By Truck.

On the bright side, they reportedly drive Chevys.


Alternate punch lines:

A) To make matters worse, they're driving on suspended licenses
B) To add insult to injury, they drive Toyotas
C) And to think they promised not to when they bought their licenses in Illinois

2. "Go for a bracing winter stroll in a major US city and you will be inhaling more than vehicle fumes. A new study has demonstrated for the first time that during winter most of the airborne bacteria in three large Midwestern cities come from dog feces," New Scientist reports.

"Noah Fierer at the University of Colorado, Boulder, found the high proportions of airborne dog fecal bacteria after analyzing samples of winter air from Cleveland, Detroit and Chicago."

Bull feces too.


Alternate punch lines:

A) City Hall responded by pleading "Please beat Cleveland and Detroit, please beat Cleveland and Detroit . . . "
B) Rahm Emanuel pledged to change the way we do doo-doo
C) Samples were particularly high in TIF districts

3. "Many of us rely on reviews when booking trips or buying products online," KVUE reports. "So could you spot a fake?

"Researchers at Cornell University have developed software they say can. Researchers tested it by looking at reviews of Chicago hotels. They used 400 legitimate reviews and 400 fakes and the software detected the fakes 90 percent of the time. Those same researchers say people tend to only detect the fakes 50 percent of the time."

For example, a series of five-star ratings by "Mike Quade" were obviously fake.


Alternate punch lines:

A) People, for example, believed that the TIF Inn was a real hotel
B) The software, for example, sniffed out fake reviewers such as Bill Fold and Jim Nasium
C) People, for example, didn't realize that no hotel would be so stupid as to turn heat lamps on picketing workers on a blistering hot day

4. And it turns out the problem has only gotten worse. Thanks, Speakeasy, now a MegaPath brand, I can't even download posts about how much the service sucks!


But I've been informed that support will put my ticket in with the others - apparently a problem is developing in Chicago - and as soon as enough tickets pile up, the tech staff will be forced to act. No kidding.


I'd check on my ticket but the Speakeasy website is inaccessible! (Earlier this week, the Speakeasy 1-800 number was down. This is Austerity America, folks. Kinda like Russia used to be.)


The Week in Chicago Rock

The Screamin' Wheels Roller Rink . . .
. . . aired this commercial in Chicago in 1981. And now it lives in infamy.

The Arlington Million
Take it to the window.

Wizard World
Chicago Comic Con Day One.

The Week in WTF
Mayors and manners.


The Beachwood Tip Line: Austere.

Posted on August 12, 2011

MUSIC - Millions Of New Guitar Players.
TV - "One America News" is AT&T.
POLITICS - When Wall Street Came To My Mobile Home Park.
SPORTS - Tonyball, Bears On The Run, Eyes On The Sky & More!

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


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