The [Fourth of July] Papers

1. "Dear Miss Manners: Sometime this morning, a small vinyl American flag on a wood dowel was put on my lawn next to my driveway, and frankly I'm offended by the presumption of this anonymous person to express my national pride for me on my property.

"I've looked at various Web sites for information on the proper display of the flag, and I can find no mention of the issue of displaying it on other people's property. I assume this is because it's out-of-the-question acceptable or out-of-the-question unacceptable.

"Furthermore, I am also offended that I have been charged with dignified destruction of a flag that was clearly intended to be disposable. Could you please clarify these flag-etiquette issues?

"Gentle Reader: Happy Independence Day to you too. How did the American flag come to be a weapon that loyal citizens brandish against one another?"

2. Kids in America

3. By J.J. Tindall.

REGULATED MILITIA WELL

after William Carlos Williams

A well regulated Militia,
being necessary

to the security of a free State,
the right of the people

to keep and bear Arms,
shall not be infringed.

A WELL REGULATED MILITIA BEING NECESSARY
WELL REGULATED MILITIA WELL REGULATED

MILITIA
being necessary

the right of the people
to a WELL REGULATED A WELL

REGULATED MILITIA
it tastes

good
to me it tastes

good
to me

A WELL REGULATED
MILITA BEING NECESSARY

shall not be infringed shall not
be

infringed A WELL REGULATED
MILITIA

4. From the Beachwood vault.

13 Anthems
By Tim Willette and Natasha Julius

*

The Alphabetically-Spangled Banner
Air and and and at
banner bombs brave bright broad
bursting by can dawn's does
early fight flag free gallant-
ly gave glare gleaming hailed
home in land last light night
o o o'er o'er of of
our perilous proof proudly
ramparts red rockets say
say see so so stars star-
spangled still streaming
stripes that that the the the
the the the the the the the
the there through through
twilight's was watched wave we
we were what whose yet you

*

The Respangled Banner
O say, red you see
by the dawn's early white
blue so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last greening
whose broad plums and bright stars
through the lavender fight
o'er the purples we watched
were so gallantly olive?
and the hot pink red glare
the bombs navy in air
gave clear through the night
that our flag was marooned
o say, does cornflower teal
salmon yellow
orange tan aquamarine
lemon goldenrod beige

*

The Star-Spangled Forecast
O say can you sleet
by the dawn's early rain
what so cloudily we hailed
at the twilight's tornado
whose cold fronts and clear skies
through the barometric fight
o'er the jet stream's deep trough
were so cumulonimbus
and the hurricane's eye
lightning high in the sky
pea soup fog at night
burning off by sunrise
o say does that winter storm
snow man yet wave
o'er the east-coast flash flood
and the drought-stricken plains

*

The Vertical Banner
O what whose o'er and gave o o'er
say, so broad the the proof say, the
can proudly stripes ramparts rockets' through does land
you we and we red the that of
see, hailed bright watched, glare, night star- the
by at stars, were the that spangled free
the the through so bombs our banner and
dawn's twilight's the gallantly bursting flag yet the
early last perilous streaming? in was wave home
light, gleaming? fight, air, still of
there. the
brave?

*

The Diagonally-Striped Banner
Light,
early gleaming?
dawn's last fight,
the twilight's perilous
by the the streaming? air, there.
see, at through gallantly in still brave?
you hailed stars, so bursting was the
can we bright were bombs flag wave of
say, proudly and watched, the our yet home
o so stripes we glare, that banner the
what broad ramparts red night spangled and
whose the rockets' the star-free
o'er the through that the
and proof does of
gave say, land
o the
o'er

*

The National Anagram
Whether a pig would alter her,
the woolly ass might, say,
veer off the last road
to freedom, dress his horses
and beat the straight-part hour.
After that garage psalm prattle,
all this winning gets is cloth
mocking thought (be silent!)
they cause death by yearning...
Easy, babies, angels pant,
we who drop, stutter, stagger for land,
want to hover for hours where
these meager rains go bubbling dry -
we have no will to lead. Ready?

*

The Binary Banner
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000010000001101111011101010111001000100000011001100
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001100100000011100110111010001101001011011000110110
000100000011101000110100001100101011100100110010100
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001001011000010000001100100011011110110010101110011
001000000111010001101000011000010111010000100000011
100110111010001100001011100100010110101110011011100
000110000101101110011001110110110001100101011001000
010000001100010011000010110111001101110011001010111
001000100000011110010110010101110100001000000111011
101100001011101100110010100100000011011110010011101
100101011100100010000001110100011010000110010100100
000011011000110000101101110011001000010000001101111
011001100010000001110100011010000110010100100000011
001100111001001100101011001010010000001100001011011
100110010000100000011101000110100001100101001000000
110100001101111011011010110010100100000011011110110
011000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110001
00111001001100001011101100110010100111111

*

The Star-Spangled Mirror
The brave of the home
and the free of the land
o'er yet wave banner
star-spangled that say
does o still there was our flag
that the night through gave proof
air bursting in bombs
glare the red the rockets and
gallantly streaming so watched were we
the ramparts o'er perilous fight
the stars through bright stripes
and broad gleaming whose last
the twilight's at we hailed proudly
what so light dawn's early
the see by you say can o

*

The Redacted Banner
---------------------------------s ear---light-
what------------------------------------------------------
whose------------------------------------------------------------
------------parts we watch--------------------stream----
--------rock--------------------------------------air,
----------------------------------------ag wa--------------
--say, do----------------------ban----yet-----
---------------------free---------hom---------br--e?

*

The Fortune Top 30 Banner
IMB AIG
Exxon-Mobil Chevron
Wal-Mart Stores Citigroup
GE ConocoPhillips
JP Morgan Chase and Co.
Kroger Hewlett-Packard
Target Costco Wholesale
Morgan Stanley Boeing
AmerisourceBergen Ford
Berkshire Hathaway Dell
Verizon Communications
P&G Marathon
Altria Group Home Depot
Valero Energy
Bank of America GM
McKesson Cardinal Health

*

The txt Banner
o say can uc
by da dawns early lite
wha so prdly we haild
@ da twilites last gleamin
whose broad strps n brite stars
thro da perilous fite
or da ramparts we watchd
were so gallantly streamin
n da rockets red glare
da bombs burstin in air
gave proof thro da nite
that r flag was still there
o say do that star-spangld
banr yet wave
or da land of da free
n da home of da brave

*

The Star-Spangled Bracket

*

The Encrypted Banner
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KZGOHMSXKFPREMCGNSWAVHGUPVWIEENQGSKTK
OEWNZNLHEWREIJGZACDPNGRJWWSENZMEYTNU
LWEEUNOHUSERHXDTRVLWEOUXFVCUEFXZFZIE
SXRTGGISSOBSXYJHUXZIHRTTKKUTUNXFMK
FCSVWNYDXLMLGUIIWHSRQSORYELDUSGNVJH
TNXDTDOGYRHSYRGARNXOVJIHRRLRGPF
GUIWJXERFSTUKSSPFOSGLVTKAMW

The Beachwood Tip Line: On your side.