The [Tuesday] Papers
BREAKING PHOTO 10:39 A.M.: Carlos Zambrano.
Um, first time at a ballpark, Carlos?
Zambrano promised to remember this.
What's he going to do, pitch well for revenge?
Big Z isn't a real bright guy, but he does understand where that $92 million comes from, right?
It's just so stupid it's not even fun to make jokes about. This is a guy who pummeled a teammate, routinely shows up the opposition and has an obvious anger management problem. In other words, he's a fabulously wealthy child.
I hope it's Cubs fans who never forget.
Seriously, how can you be so out of ideas in a city like Chicago?
Oh wait, here's something: A woman went into labor . . . on Labor Day!
The lead story in the business section on Sunday was a Bloomberg News profile of the Bank of America's CEO. Well, he's a laborer too! And apparently the business section takes the whole weekend off.
Goose & Gander
Er, wait. In classrooms all over the city, poorly qualified teachers hang on. Sorry.
Sun-Times "crime reporter" (the paper does not have police reporters, which gives you an idea of which way the coverage slants) Frank Main wrote: "Now Segways have proved valuable in chasing crooks,"
Yes, after all these years! The evidence is finally in!
Buried at the bottom of the Tribune's account was the officer's admission that he could outrun the Segway he was on. So why didn't he?
In other words, the story is that a police officer, upon hearing gunfire and seeing two men sprinting from the area, didn't run after them but revved his scooter up to an alleged 10 to 12 mph in pursuit.
I wonder if that's department policy. Or if Segway funding is currently under threat and they needed the PR.
Either way, I'm kind of outraged that the cop didn't get off his frickin' scooter.
Face to Face
And as soon as they find one they'll let us know.
Mark Brown found one and guess what? It involves Social Security fraud too. Maybe the face of illegal immigration should be someone working off the books and not paying taxes. Would that make everyone feel better?
But without The Sopranos and American Idol to discuss, what did they talk about?
"When's the last time you heard anything good said about television?" the paper asks.
Boy, I would not want to live in these people's dreary world.
And if the Tribune editorial board is still dubious about television - but high on the radio, as you shall see in the next item - it's no wonder it doesn't have a clue about the Internet.
On Saturday, the Trib edit board advised the Federal Trade Commission to "get out more" in response to its opposition to Whole Foods' proposed buyout of Wild Oats Markets.
"Go shopping," the board said. "Flip on the radio. You'll be amazed at the choices."
The radio? You mean the medium held in a chokehold by a couple megacorporations trying to shut down choice on the Internet?
This version, like the others, has the Obama campaign teaching its volunteers to be "absolutely ruthless" even as the usually admirable Abdon Pallasch writes that "Obama is not like other candidates."
I'm still waiting for someone to square that circle.
Is it because Obama uses Saul Alinsky's technique of appealing to people's self-interest - you know, the strategy Republicans have used so successfully?
I mean, it's not like Alinsky has influenced other candidates through the ages.
My Latest Heroes
"When we got to the Police Operations Center," the report says, "Craig handed me a business card that identified himself as a United States Senator as he stated, 'What do you think about that?'"
It's not in the report, but I think the officer's reply was "Well, I won't hold that against you."
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Posted on September 4, 2007
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