The Periodical Table: Time and Again

A weekly roundup from Shipley's nightstand.

Grading on a Curve
Entertainment Weekly, also known as ew!, averaged the votes of a collective noun of movie critics (a thumb of critics? A balcony of critics? A Goober of critics?) in its December 29th double-issue and the following movies received A-minuses: The Queen, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Departed, United 93, Borat, and Volver. You know, there's really no pleasing Entertainment Weekly.

Congratulations, You
Time's year-end issue congratulated you for being Person of the Year. Congratulations! They looked past the fact that you're socially retarded and made Dancing With The Stars a hit. I mean, let's face it: You suck! You haven't had a date with another country in three years (those booty calls with England don't count) and you can't even name your congressman. Well done! Time is impressed! Hit 'em up for dinner and a free subscription while they're still infatuated.

Magazine Honors Magazines
The January issue of Utne featured their 18th annual Independent Press Awards, given to publications that are in some way outstanding and essential. The winners include Wilson Quarterly, GeneWatch, 28 Pages Lovingly Bound with Twine, New England Watershed, Tikkun, Raw Vision, N+1, New Mobility, Bidoun, NACLA's Report on the Americas, In These Times, Ecologist, Seed, and High Country News. None of them are even as remotely impressed with you as Time.

Online Addicts
The January issue of Popular Science says that 31 million adults show signs of compulsive Internet use. The ramifications? Thirty percent of U.S. businesses have fired employees for problematic Web surfing. The ratio of time typical net addicts spend on recreational use vs. business: 10:1. Time, ever the enabler, doesn't blame you. You're just under a lot of stress.

Down Doggies
Got the winter blahs? Down in the doldrums? Have a profound sense of ennui? Fear not, the February issue of Yoga Journal is here with yoga moves that'll help you snap out of it. These are the poses recommended to get you rarin' to go: Bridge Pose, Upward Bow Pose, Half Lord of the Fishes Pose, Fish Pose, Shoulderstand, and the One-Legged Downward-Facing Dog Pose, which requires wrapping your non-working leg in a bandage and wearing one of those lampshade things around your neck.

Shipley can stop anytime he wants. He just doesn't want to.