The Periodical Table

Filling in for the vacationing Jonathan Shipley.

Rolling Eye Movement
A cover line on the March 22nd issue of Rolling Stone promises "The Secret History of R.E.M.," but only delivers some geeky old photos and a selected discography that leaves out three of the band's four worthy efforts - Reckoning, Life's Rich Pageant, and Automatic for the People (Murmur being the other one, if you leave out the Chronic Town EP). The insufferable Peter Buck says that he talks to fans all the time who love Monster (as if), while the insufferable Michael Stipe ("We're so bad about looking backward, we're too excited about what we're going to do") says that "We had radio's attention. So we decided to put out the most fucked-up song - 'What's the Frequency, Kenneth?' - as the first single."

Which just about says it all about the band that is the biggest disappointment to rise from the 1980s indie scene.

Rock and Roll Movement
Rolling Stone's cover story is about the 10th anniversary of South Park. The cover story of Punk Planet's March/April issue profiles Ted Leo.

Which just about says it all about the magazine that is the biggest disappointment to rise from the 1960s indie scene.

Extra Sensory Preview
"Call it dark, call it spooky, but somehow I knew that Premonition would be a stinker," writes Anthony Lane in the March 26 New Yorker.

Extreme Sandler Predicament
With "a degree of amazement," Lane recommends the treacly Adam Sandler/Don Cheadle post 9/11-flick Reign Over Me.

General Orders
The peculiarity of a magazine like Vanity Fair is that you have to dig through 245 pages and a cover story about The Sopranos to find an extraordinary piece about six U.S. generals who stifled their shock and horror while in uniform at how Donald Rumsfeld was running the war but who have since spoken out since retiring - a story that not only about incredible arrogance and deadly mismanagement, but about the ethical implications of loyalty, patriotism, and duty to men and institutions instead of the citizenry on whose behalf they work.

O'Hare O-fer
Airport Revenue News has come out with its annual concessions rankings and - for all the money the mayor has poured into it, and all the contracts out there held by his pals - O'Hare has been shut out.

The winners for large airports:

Best Concession Program Design: Minneapolis-St. Paul, followed by Detroit Metropolitan.
Best Concession Program Overall: Minneapolis-St. Paul, followed by Atlanta Hartsfield.
Best Customer Service: Orlando International, followed by Atlanta Hartsfield.
Best Concessions Management Team: Dallas-Fort Worth and New York LaGuardia (tie), followed by Boston Logan.

O'Hare was also shutout in all Best Single Terminal categories and Best Retailer categories.

Midway Airport finished in a second-place tie to Baltimore-Washington International with Reagan National in Best Overall Concession Program for medium airports.