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Exclusive! Lori Lightfoot's Libraries

The mayor announced this week that Chicago's public libraries will no longer issue fines for overdue books and we thought, what's next, no more books? Precisely! The Beachwood has learned from a whistleblower that a lot more changes are on the horizon.

* Policy change 2.0: Just keep the book - no one cares.

* 3.0: We'll fine you if you return it.

* 4.0: Librarians start throwing books at random passersby.

* 5.0: CPL to store its collection in homes all around Chicago.

* 6.0: All city libraries to become libaries.

* 7.0: New "shhh!" ringtones.

* 9.0: CPL will only only loan apps, not books.

* 10.0: CPL will only loan subprime books.

* 11.0: CPL will no longer loan books, but gift them, for tax purposes.

* 12.0: CPL will only loan money. There will be no fines, but it would be a shame if someone broke your leg.

* 13.0: CPL to now offer only films of other people reading books.

* 14.0: CPL to now infuse all branches with CBD.

* 15.0: You can check out any book you want, but you can never leave.

- Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.



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Posted on October 2, 2019


MUSIC - Britney's IUD.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - Locked Out And Loaded.

BOOKS - Foxconned.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Don't Let Your Pet OD.


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