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March 31, 2008

The [Monday] Papers

Opening Day.

1. "The crowd was vocal. Because the subject here was baseball and the stadium was full of scholars - and historians - and soon enough I found myself engaged in learned debate with all these . . . strangers, these . . . guys."

2. "Cursed by goats/and a guy with glasses/ our Cubs front office/run by asses."

With apologies to Nena.

3. Like-minded ideas happen all the time in this business; I'm not saying the Sun-Times stole their limericks contest from us. But - inspired by a submission from Jerry "Bleacher Preacher" Pritikin - we published Sam Zell limericks on March 12. An outraged Rick Kaempfer writes:

The ballpark's name Sam Zell commercializes,
So Sam Zell limericks the Beachwood devises,
Though the Sun Times stole it,
They couldn't bankroll it,
And had lousy t-shirts to give out as prizes

4. Rick Kaempfer, by the way, is the proprietor of Just One Bad Century.

5. The Mount Lou Alert System is at Green. But remember: Molten rock can still be spit in cold weather.

6. "Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that it will be a long season for the White Sox if Jose Contreras is the key."

7. "Mighty Santo At The Bat."

8. "Sometimes baseball is quirky in clever little ways and sometimes it is just flat-out weird," writes our very own Jim Coffman. "Bring it on, baseball!"

9. Not even close to getting old.

10. "I'm just a sausage running a race."

-

Rev. Wright's Reward
If I say so myself.

Automatic for the Critics
"This hasn't been an easy decade for fans of R.E.M. The favorite sons of Athens, Ga., haven't made a beginning-to-end great album since Automatic for the People in 1992. Even guitarist Peter Buck now admits the band has been on a 'downward slide'," writes Jim DeRogatis.

"Mind you, that hasn't stopped the musicians, their label or their tireless boosters from hailing every new release as the one that recaptures former glories or 'the record where R.E.M. rocks again.' And so goes the corporate line on Accelerate, the band's 14th studio album, which arrives in stores on Tuesday.

*

DeRo also (rightly) reserves the right to change his mind.

Church Mice
"You can no more paint the black church with one brush as you can the white Evangelical church, the Catholic Church or any other denomination," writes Dawn Turner Trice.

But isn't that what liberals have done for years?

*

Will Mitt Romney please report to the white courtesy phone!

That's Todd!
Memo to Larry Suffredin et. al.: Todd Stroger is who he is. He is impervious to reason. He has a picture of the world in his head, and that picture is not going to expand anytime soon, if at all.

Exhibit 3847: His interview with Dane Placko on Fox Chicago Sunday. The lowlights:

* On his cousin's raise right after hiking taxes to pay for a budget still laden with patronage: "It's not truly an increase. The [cost-of-living-adustments] came literally from Commissioner Suffredin and Commissioner Quigley coming to my office and saying we need to give raises to non-union employees."

* "You can ride that horse, 'she's your cousin' . . . "

Placko: "Well she's still your cousin!"

After listing her resume, Placko says: "Your dad's niece as well."

* "What has Commissioner Claypool said nice about me in the last year?"

* "This is really a manifestation of the system which we had where the party committeemen had to choose a candidate, and there's still a backlash . . . "

It was the system. Nothing Todd could do.

* Defending Dorothy Brown employing a chauffeur-security guard listed as a "systems analyst" in the budget: "The clerk is the second-largest office in county government . . a lady . . . out all night, up early in the morning . . . "

* "People don't get the full truth. They only get half the story."

Isn't that how you got the job, Todd?

Children's Center
From Beachwood reader John Kuczaj:

If Jennifer Farrington thinks children deserve to be at the center of the city ( . . . why do I get images of children's internment camps?) she might want to stop suggesting a site less than a mile away from the eastern border of the city is the CENTER of the city.

There Once Was A Contest . . .
Just so you know what you're getting into if you enter the Sun-Times limerick contest.

"LIMITATION OF LIABILITY: EACH PARTICIPANT AGREES TO RELEASE, HOLD HARMLESS AND INDEMNIFY SPONSOR, AND ITS PARENT, DIVISIONS, SUBSIDIARIES, AFFILIATES, ADVERTISING, PROMOTION, AND PUBLIC RELATIONS AGENCIES, AND THE RESPECTIVE OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, REPRESENTATIVES AND AGENCIES OF EACH FOR ANY LIABILITY WHATSOEVER FOR INJURIES OR DAMAGES OF ANY KIND SUSTAINED IN CONNECTION WITH THE ACCEPTANCE, POSSESSION, USE, MISUSE OR AWARDING OF A PRIZE OR WHILE PREPARING FOR, PARTICIPATING IN AND/OR TRAVELING TO OR FROM ANY PRIZE- OR CONTEST-RELATED ACTIVITY, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, ANY INJURY, DAMAGE, DEATH, LOSS, OR ACCIDENT TO PERSON OR PROPERTY. EACH WINNER AGREES THAT THE PRIZE IS PROVIDED AS-IS WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY, REPRESENTATION, OR GUARANTEE, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, IN FACT OR IN LAW, WHETHER NOW KNOWN OR HEREINAFTER ENACTED, RELATIVE TO THE USE OR ENJOYMENT OF THE PRIZE, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, ITS QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY, OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE."

The Beachwood Tip Line: Liability-free.

Posted by Lou at 07:33 AM | Permalink

SportsMonday

I didn't tune in in time Sunday to watch the initial drama unfold during Major League Baseball's Continental Opening Night (as opposed to this season's actual opening . . . morning . . . in Japan last week . . . with the Red Sox rallying to beat the A's in a game that started before sunrise back here in the States). Forget Opening Days - baseball seasons now begin with Opening Chronicles.

President Bush had been tapped to toss out the first pitch at brand spankin' new Nationals Park in D.C. Sunday evening as the home team took on the Atlanta Braves. But it occurred to someone on his staff a couple days ago that Washington's starting catcher, Paul LoDuca, was identified as a steroid cheat in the Mitchell Report. LoDuca then started the spring by reading one of those vague apologies in which he takes responsibility for nothing in particular but is nevertheless very, very sorry. So who would catch this momentous first pitch?

As it turned out, Nationals manager Manny Acta stepped up, caught Bush's heave and by all accounts, executed a successful grip and grin to cap it all off.

By the time I settled in to watch, the innings were flying by. After coaching youth baseball for the last few springs and summers, I've gained a new appreciation for the degree of difficulty of some of the stuff the MLB's finest do in the field with little apparent strain. But on this night that wasn't what was going on. The weather was cold (game time temperature was in the upper 40s), the pitching was solid and hitters on both sides were producing only a steady stream of weak ground balls and pop ups/shallow flies.

Sometimes baseball is quirky in clever little ways and sometimes it is just flat-out weird. The Nationals scored a couple two-out runs in the initial inning, and then went without a base-runner for eight innings - from the last out in the first until there were two outs in the ninth). It looked as if the home team's pitchers would make that lead stand up until Mr. LoDuca couldn't quite flag down an errant Jon Rauch pitch in the top of the ninth. The Braves' game-tying run scored on what was ruled a passed ball.

After two quick Nationals outs in the bottom half of the frame, third baseman Ryan Zimmerman stepped up and launched a solo home run into the second row in deep left-center to end it. Bring it on, baseball!

And about that basketball tournament . . .

* As boring as it is to have all four No. 1 seeds advance in the NCAA men's basketball tournament, it could be worse. If you cared about the women's tournament you would find yourself heading into an Elite Eight in which not only have all the No. 1 seeds advanced but so have all the No. 2s.

* Stephen Curry hit all sorts of exquisite jump shots during Davidson's (student population by the way - 1,700) rousing run. But his best shot was a lay-up. As the regional semifinal was slipping away from Wisconsin in a hurry during Friday's regional semifinal, Davidson's Curry drove toward the basket, started to put up a layup attempt, but then was shoved. As the whistle sounded, Curry somehow managed to reach back under the backboard, to the other side of the basket, and flipped the ball up off the glass with some spin. It zipped right into the net.

A foul was called, the basket counted, Curry made the free throw and Davidson was on its way . . . to a tough loss to Kansas in the regional final. The guard apparently announced later Sunday that he will return to college for his junior season. Players with a lot less game than Curry will make the jump to the NBA this year. But if for no other reason than to try to find some way to toughen up that unbelievably baby-ish baby-face (and I thought B.J. Armstrong looked young when he played for Iowa), a return to college hoops is in order.

* One more baseball note - Paul Sullivan's "100 Questions For 100 Years" in the Sunday Trib commemorating the Cubs' century of futility was awe-inspiring. Sully is a great beat writer who has been all over a great sports beat for a long time. So he'll probably be accepting a buyout any day now.

* On the heels of a solid 4-3 victory at St. Louis Saturday, the Hawks recorded another thrilling home victory Sunday. They rallied from 3-1 and 4-3 deficits to take the game with the Blue Jackets into overtime and then into a shootout, during which they prevailed thanks to Patrick Kane's backhander. They've gone 4-1-1 in their last six games and . . . have made up very little ground. As of late Sunday, Vancouver held the last playoff spot with 88 points, four more than the Hawks with only three games to play.

* The Bulls are . . . another week closer to the off-season.

Jim Coffman appears in this space every Monday. He does so out of love.

Posted by Lou at 04:35 AM | Permalink

The Cub Factor

As another season is about to begin, the consensus around here seems to be that the Cubs are good enough to win woeful NL Central Division, but mostly because the division is horrendous. So it's like the Cubs are the fifth-grader on the playground with the third-graders. I guess that's good. But what will happen when they graduate eighth grade at the end of the season and go into junior high? Will they still be able to hang? Or will they be stuffed into a locker come playoff time? Will the foreign exchange student be rated cool or lame? Will guidance counselor Lou keep them sober, unpregnant and in school? Or will superintendent Hendry cast a shadow so dark that this team just gives up to go smoke pot in the woods everyday? Unfortunately, until we get to the end of September we just aren't going to know if they will grow up enough to play with the big boys.

Week in Review: There were a bunch of spring training games that really didn't mean anything.

Week in Preview: The Cubs come north to open the 2008 season with three games against a young Brewers team that really didn't seem to improve itself in the off-season, followed by three against an Astro team that might be its worst in years.

The Second Basemen Report: The starting job looks to default to Mark DeRosa despite every attempt by Jim Hendry to get Brian Roberts. This is good news for DeRosa and The Second Baseman Report but probably not for the Cubs, who could really use Roberts as their leadoff man. But these are the Cubs, so expect a number of players to once again man the second sack this season. You know, just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Tom Veryzer last played second base for the Cubs in 1984. His whereabouts these days are unknown. He is missed.

Zam Bomb : A crack team of doctors seems to have defused the Zam Bomb for now. He is apologetic for now but as Big Z has said himself, only God can control his temper and my bet is that God is busy.

Lost in Translation: Kerrio Wud is Japanese for "wildflower."

Center Stage: I know it looks tasty, but this Pie isn't ready yet.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 85% Sweet, 20% Sour. Lou is a little cranky after a spring of Cubbie occurences and continuing lineup instability. But just a little.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that 100 years is a long-ass time.

99 Years of Cub Losses (99 Jahre von Bengeln Verlusten): Cursed by goats, and a guy with glasses, our Cubs front office, run by asses.

Over/Under: The weather at Wrigley Field as opposed to the weather at Miller Park +/ a lot worse.

Mount Lou: Mount Lou begins the volcanic season at level green but natives be warned. Not meeting early season expectations will make Mount Lou rumble early and often. Molten rock can still be spit in cold weather.

Posted by Lou at 03:50 AM | Permalink

The White Sox Report

If it's Opening Day for the White Sox, that can only mean one thing: C.C. Sabathia and Cleveland Indians. For the fourth consecutive season, the Sox and Indians square off in their season openers; for the third consecutive season, Sabathia will be on the mound for the Tribe. His career record versus the Sox is 14-3.

Opening Days are just one game, but they are often revelatory. In 2005, the Sox snuck by Cleveland 1-0, with the immortal Shingo Takatsu - frisbee pitch and all - recording the final out. Few would have guessed that 1-0 would also be the score of the Sox's final game that season, a win over Houston to secure the World Series.

In 2006, the White Sox pounded Cleveland 10-4. The rest of that season would characterized by their explosive offense, with four players hitting over 30 home runs - even though a 90-win season was only good enough to finish third in the mighty AL Central that year.

And then there was the 12-5 beat-down Cleveland handed the White Sox to open the season last year. The Sox went on to lose 90 games.

So watch the opener closely and we'll get a good idea if Ozzie Guillen will have to make good on his promise (threat?) to run naked down Michigan Avenue if the Sox win the World Series.

*

Week in Review: The Sox went 2-5 down the stretch to compile the worst spring training record in the AL at 11-19.

Week in Preview: It's three in Cleveland and three in Detroit as the Sox find out early how much distance there is between them and the division favorites.

Center Stage: Alexei Ramirez is slated to start in center on Opening Day, but he's only keeping the spot warm for . . . Nick Swisher, Jerry Owens, Brian Anderson and probably a couple others who will audition this season, with no single player getting the starring role.

Cell Stem Research: Beachwood Labs has determined that The Cell still sucks.

Fields on the Farm: You know, he's only a career .280 hitter down there.

Jose Can You See: Ozzie says Jose Contreras "might be the key to the season." He's not allowed to drive the car at night, though.

The Missile Tracker: Hey, he said it, not us.

That's Ozzie: "He won't be the key," he said, changing his mind about Contreras.

Over/Under: How long into the season it takes for Sox fans to complain that the Cubs get more attention: one-millionth of a second after the first pitch.

Beachwood Sabermetrics:A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that it will be a long season if Jose Contreras is the key.

-

Ricky O'Donnell is the proprietor of Tremendous Upside Potential.

Posted by Lou at 12:48 AM | Permalink

March 30, 2008

Westward Ho!

It's lonely out here.

I'm not complaining, mind you. It's not like I'm begging for food or wound up on the West Coast because of some sticky situation back in Chicago. My personal laments notwithstanding, I wasn't exactly fleeing an unstable situation with few options ahead of me.

On the other hand, maybe it would be easier if that was the case. See, I've left behind the same bunch of friends I've had since elementary school, as well as a loving family who has known me forever, though they've always claimed I was simply a visiting alien sent to investigate their Earthly ways.

So yes, things have been a bit rough, emotionally. The effect of being removed from all things familiar and comforting, relatable and defining is astonishing. You suddenly become just you.

But like I said, I'm not going to cry or anything (at least not on paper). I walked into a pretty sweet set-up out here. And I'm not going to bitch about my financial instability all too much either. Yes, I was warned, and now I see as plain as day, Mom and Dad, the actual amount of money a person must spend to live alone is more than I ever imagined. Laundry detergent is expensive, for instance. I had never actually inquired of - nor been required to know - how much Tide costs. In fact, the whole cleaning supply aisle is a revelation to me.

I have also had the good fortune of moving into a beautiful home with an immaculate view of the Cascade Mountains with a very patient and wonderful boyfriend. But aside from that guy, and the couple of pussies who rode along with me, I knew nobody upon my arrival, and that's been the toughest part about this westward journey.

The complicated part about my being so lonely is that I really enjoy my alone time. That worked out well for me in Chicago. My best relationships were long-distance, I now realize, and, respectfully, my mom just left me alone as a commuter college student, though we lived a room away. Then I left Chicago and had about the most desirable and sensational alone time a loner could ask for - three days in a car, complete introversion, and utter independence - before arriving to the social chaos that would be my new life in Washington.

In order to make new friends, get this shit, a person must socialize. I neglected to consider that very heavily before leaving all those beautiful people of comfort and security behind. In planning my move, I overlooked the fact that whle I may have felt like shelling up into a despondent and lonely hole, in order to prevent depression and madness most people must go out into the world and meet others. When a lifetime of relying on dear friends - the kind who never miss an emotion in your life in all their nuances - is suddenly removed, new friends are hard to measure up, no matter how honorable and caring they may be.

Though it is filled with great social opportunity, the biggest social adjustment has been the corporate climate of my new job. I stick out like a sore thumb, and not just because I am unfit for corporate life and its jargon, and the six or seven bosses I have to answer to when I am slightly vulgar in my e-mails (really, people are too sensitive), but also because work is already restricting on a person's demeanor. How many of us leave the office and act like the same person we were for the past eight or nine hours? Putting a human into a corporation, regardless of how liberal-minded or neat the corporation is, requires a degree of alienation. Like raising a Great Dane in a studio apartment downtown. And it's not just a physical confinement to which I refer.

I will even admit a fondness for my cube - it is decorated fittingly, adorned to my tastes and passion for right angles; everything's got its spot, from the stapler to the Post-Its. My interests are well-displayed, and my friends framed and showcased. Cubicles are like three-dimensional, real-life, tangible MySpace pages. With supplies.

The mental and character censorship that occurs there is highly alienating, though. Well, at least it is for me, because I'm one of those people who really wants to share my opinion about everything with everyone around me. That can win some hearts, but also earn some serious scowls from around the office. I've learned how to be a corporate employee the hard way - by doing what I should not do, and saying what I should not say.

It's just not so ideal for me to make many friends there. And how unfortunate that I happen to spend a great deal of quality awake time in that very office, in my own little tangible MySpace world. With supplies.

Sometimes I just feel a little out of place, a little too outspoken and offensive. Even lewd and lascivious in comparison to others. I'm like a Brillo pad in the soft and spongy atmosphere of Seattle. A company sign hangs outside of my cubicle with my name on it. A homemade sign hangs right below my name. The homemade sign reads: "Leigh's Cube: Your One-Stop for Class." The good news is that even if the love isn't all there, my co-workers are at least starting to understand and accept me.

Overall, the move was relatively painless, loneliness aside. Lifestyles and attitudes are vastly different here, but I was lucky enough to speak the right language and have a basic idea of how culture and law works. But then again, I am still struggling with the fact that Road Rage, even in the form of honking a horn, is illegal here. I'm already preparing my speech for the first officer who pulls me over. Somehow I suspect he or she won't care how we do it in Chicago.

-

Previously:
* Part One: Departure
* Part Two: Rebuff

Posted by Lou at 01:24 AM | Permalink

Chad Everett: All Strung Out

This album has been lumped into the Movie Stars Making Godawful Vanity Projects bin, along with the likes of William Shatner rapping Dylan and Jayne Mansfield reading Shakespearian sonnets. And for the most part, that's probably where it belongs. But even though it's most assuredly crap, Chad Everett's All Strung Out has a couple of worthy moments when the hunky TV doctor starts singing about his love for God in a few original gospel tunes that roll out in a kind of whitebread, early '70s version of Ike Turner on a Jesus bender.

Everett made this record in 1971 for MGM's Marina label. He was at the height of his hunkiness, in the second season of a six-year run playing Dr. Joe Gannon on the incredibly popular CBS show Medical Center. He was kind of eternally in a battle with James Brolin of ABC's rival Marcus Welby, M.D. over who was the sexiest primetime soap opera doctor. They even had a political rivalry. Brolin, of course, was and is one of Hollywood's most outspoken liberals. Everett on the other hand, is a religious Republican who in 1972 said on the Dick Cavett Show that he viewed his wife as his property and so infuriated Lily Tomlin that she stalked off the set.

Politics aside, though, for my money the sexiest '70s TV doctor nod goes to Chad. Purely because he had the hands of a sturgeon.

And the singing voice of your Uncle Bill, as it turns out. I'm not going to kid you, his earnest attempts to carry a tune on All Strung Out are, for the most part, mildly to acutely cringe-inducing. It's not that he has no singing voice at all, a la Shatner who merely does spoken-word versions of songs, karaoke-style, against an instrumental background. No, it's much worse than that. He can sing just well enough to make you feel very, very sorry for him. If only they would have had Simon Cowell back then . . . none of this would have happened.

I'm sure it seemed like a good idea that MGM recruited Nino Tempo to produce this album and write a bunch of the songs. Tempo, of course, was the '60s pop sensation who teamed with his sister, April Stevens, to write and record one of the biggest hits of the Kennedy years, "Deep Purple." Tempo was a talented musician who had a knack for writing sweet, laid back pop-rock - along the lines of Gerry Goffin and Carole King - that captured the innocent zeitgeist of the pre-heaviness days of rock 'n' roll. Another of Tempo's hits along the same lines was 1966's "All Strung Out," which he has Chad cover on this album.

But given all his talent and studio smarts, Tempo couldn't hide the fact that Everett has a rather monotonous and laconic singing voice that lacks range and emotion. And it didn't help that the first song on the album really, really makes that clear - it's a note-for-note remake of the Righteous Brothers' "You're My Soul and Inspiration." At least, the notes in Tempo's lush arrangement are the same. Not so with Everett attempting to imitate Bill Medley. Ouch. "What good am I?" indeed. And the funny thing about this song is that you'd think, because was an actor, Chad would nail Bobby Hatfield's spoken-word part in the tune, where he goes " . . . I'm telling you, honey, you're my reason for living . . . " But no. That sucks, too.

Then there's "Ain't No Sunshine," which was a then-current hit for Bill Withers. Probably the best thing on this album was the group of (uncredited) black female backing vocalists Tempo assembled for this effort. If it has any saving graces, they are it. They take the signature part of this song, the endlessly-repeated "and I know, I know, I know . . . " while Chad cools his tonsils. Thanks, Nino.

Then he launches into "All Strung Out." It's interesting to hear how Tempo updated his song to turn it from a Phil Spector-ish kind of '60s pop song into a big-sounding '70s soul number, again with the back-up gals pretty much taking center stage along with a funky-ass bass line.

We next segue into what is the meat of the album, more Tempo-written songs that all are lushly produced with horns and swelling strings and most of which have that kind of early '70s lite rock sound. Chad's best moments are when he's channeling John Sebastian from "Daydream," a kind of low-key, loping and easy-going vocal delivery that may have worked if only he could have . . . ummm . . . acted better. It's pretty obvious he doesn't mean it when he sings, "I didn't see the hang-ups when I met you, I thought I'd taste your love and then forget you."

Oh, and if you're truly a child of the '70s and thrilled to Donny Osmond's pre-pubescent "Hey Girl," I urge you to stay far, far away from Chad Everett's version here. It's beyond bad. It's truly creepy.

But then, surprise, things pick up dramatically when, on side two, we get to a pair of rollicking gospel numbers! This is where Chad lets go and means what he sings. "Jesus Hammer" and "Man From Nazareth" are by far the best songs on the album, as the back-up singers combine with a smokin' horn arrangement that comes kind of close to Ike & Tina's "Proud Mary." On the choruses of these songs, Chad's vocals are nicely buried into the mix and he becomes part of the chorus - right where he belongs. I'd say these songs also compare very favorably to, say, "Put Your Hand In the Hand" by Ocean, which was also a big inspirational-rock hit in 1971.

It turns out Chad Everett, much like fellow Republican Pat Boone, was pretty much a soulless white guy when it came to music . . . until he started singing about the Lord. Maybe if Dr. Joe Gannon had prayed more on Medical Center, Chad would have been inspired enough to once and for all kick that commie Brolin's ass.

*

See what else is in the Beachwood Bins. Bin Dive explores rock's secret history through the bargain bins and your old stack of records. Comments - and submissions - welcome. You must include a real name to be considered for publication.

Posted by Don at 12:09 AM | Permalink

March 29, 2008

The Weekend Desk Report

We won't let you stumble around in the dark for more than a symbolic hour this weekend.

Market Update
New research suggests that a series of small shocks can improve the sense of smell. They're right; most Americans can now perceive that the economy stinks.

Recycled Joke of the Week
In an effort to ease the pain of the recent economic slump, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson plans to announce a major overhaul of financial markets. Administration officials note the details of this plan will not be finalized before President Bush leaves office as he's too busy fixing the Middle East.

Chicago 2016
Chicago's Olympic efforts received a boost this week with the Illinois EPA's announcement that we will run out of landfill space just in time for the Games. In response, the Chicago 2016 commission has announced the following new events:

Medal Events:
AOL Startup CD Discus
White Paper Rafting
Uneven Batteries

For Exhibition Only:
Curbside Recycling

New Blue
Top cop Jody Weis this week unveiled the latest phase in his Extreme Makeover: Police Edition, suggesting no stylish patrolman would roll in a cheesy Crown Vic. Weis envisions a fleet of infinitely more banging Chevy Tahoes to go along with snappy new flashlights and wicked sidearms. Observers predict Weis's next move will be tackling the force's growing hangnail problem. No unsuspecting Chicago barmaid will be round-housed by an unmanicured fist again.

Kiss of Death
Yeah, sure, Madge. That worked really well the last time.

Father of the Year
Finally this week, Patrick Roy apologized for sparking a bloody riot, saying if he had just controlled the situation better, his son could've been spared a lot of unpleasantness.

Posted by Natasha at 08:40 AM | Permalink

March 28, 2008

The [Friday] Papers

Today's Worst Person In Chicago is Jennifer Farrington, president of the Chicago Children's Museum. Is this what you teach the children, Jennifer?

Last night, Farrington appeared on Chicago Tonight with 42nd Ward Ald. Brendan Reilly. What transpired was stunning for these parts: a Chicago alderman clearly and directly answering questions while a children's advocate shamelessly dodged and weaved. Eddie Arruza moderated. Let's take a look. (The questions are indirect quotes, but the answers are about 99 percent there; I typed as I watched. The comments are mine.)

*

ARRUZA: Does the mayor have the votes?

REILLY: Not according to my count. I think even museum officials will admit the vote count remains fluid . . . [contrary to Fran Spielman's report], by my count, the mayor does not have the votes to pass this plan.

Comment: So the story was a plant. Good job, Hill & Knowlton!

FARRINGTON: We've reached out to a number of aldermen . . . I'm not even in the business of trying to convince anyone."

Comment: Then why am I watching you?

*

ARRUZA: Is the proposed new museum mostly underground?

FARRINGTON: It uses the grade of the site to its advantage.

Comment: So . . . not so much?

*

REILLY: This is not about the Children's Museum, this is about legal precedent . . . if we make this one exception for the Children's Museum the city will have to be prepared to grant many more exceptions . . .

ARRUZA: What about the list of alternative sites?

FARRINGTON: We certainly did our due diligence, we were looking for a site that would be appropriate . . . best for the Children's Museum . . many of the (alternate) sites are simply not ideal . . . we want children to be at center of city . . .

REILLY: The criteria were so narrowly defined, they were designed to conclude that Grant Park is the only (viable location) . . that's complicated by the fact that putting one there is illegal.

Comment: How much did you pay Hill & Knowlton to come up with the "children at the center of the city" line?

*

ARRUZA: Have you received assurances by the mayor that this will be approved?

FARRINGTON: I think the important thing is this is a decision our board, our staff, our supporters really need to believe (is best?) for Chicago . . . Do children deserve to be at the center of the city?

Comment: 1. So the answer is Yes. 2. A follow-up pressing for a real answer would have been nice. 3. Does the Children's Museum have an exhibit about how to dodge questions?

*

FARRINGTON: A long part of this process was about listening.

Comment: To Hill & Knowlton.

*

After Farrington insisted that public support is on the museum's side . . .

REILLY: The fact that the museum has been hiring up a reportedly large list of public relations firms, lobbyists, attorneys, making commercials, sending out mailers indicates that perhaps the public support isn't there . . . I don't think the museum would be spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on this campaign is the support already existed.

ARRUZA: Why are you spending so much on this campaign if you already have the public's support?

FARRINGTON: Our staff is primarily made up of folks who are educators . . . we don't have a robust PR staff . . . sure, we had the support . . we needed expert assistance in communicating that support.

Comment: Communicating it back to the people who . . . have it?

ARRUZA: How much are you spending?

FARRINGTON: We are spending what we need to spend.

Comment: Including fees for lessons on how not to answer questions.

*

REILLY: I'm absolutely certain it will be litigated if this passes the council.

ARRUZA: Is this worth a court fight?

FARRINGTON: Our legal folks assure us that we're in compliance . . . so we are going to move forward.

*

ARRUZA: Our viewers are almost unanimously and rabidly against the idea.

-

Shame on you, Jennifer Farrington.

-

Gov. Baloneyvich
Also on Chicago Tonight, Rich Samuels reported on the latest bullshit to emanate from the governor's mouth. Blago was asked if Stuart Levine's testimony in the Tony Rezko trial that the governor once told him, "Stick with us and you will do very well for yourself" was true.

BLAGO: Let me answer that question with an answer. I'm not a party to that trial. I'm not following the trial. It would be inappropriate for me to comment . . . I have a full-time job as governor.

Comment: Let's pretend Blagojevich was completely unaware of the activities described in the trial - that he's 100 percent innocent. Wouldn't it be the height of irresponsibility for him to not follow this trial? Wouldn't he be following every last detail?

Q: Don't people of illinois deserve to know?

BLAGO: I already answered your questions.

Comment; You did? Did we all fall asleep briefly?

BLAGO: Those characterizations do not characterize how I or anyone operates . . . that description is not accurate.

Comment: Wow, actually stunning in the lack of an actual denial in there.

BLAGO: I'm not a party to that trial . . . a trial I'm not involved in . . .

Comment: Governor, you need Hill & Knowlton even more than the Children's Museum does.

The Beachwood Tip Line: For the children.

Posted by Lou at 12:29 AM | Permalink

March 27, 2008

Dusty Baker Is Back

Sound familiar?

1. "Dusty Baker Hates Hits, Reds Fans."

2. "Every time the man talks strategy, every time he starts in on his disdain for slow-footed sluggers who 'clog the bases' with walks, every time he goes to the bullpen early - heck, every time he fills out a lineup card - he becomes an easy target for stats-crunching critics everywhere."

3. "I was on the Dodgers' all-time team as an outfielder. I was on the all-time San Francisco Giants' team as the manager. I started out great in Chicago and then ended up on the all-nothing team."

4. "If you didn't live through it, you can't imagine how bad it was. That was Johnnie B. 'Dusty' Baker talking, inside the visiting clubhouse at Legends Field. He had been asked about his previous job as manager of the Chicago Cubs, which ended in 96 losses.

"It happened two years ago, an endless summer of misery and helplessness for a man who has been National League Manager of the Year three times. As he says, 'I wasn't used to that, especially when in your own mind you believe you have the Midas touch. Then when that Midas touch isn't working, you realize how much is out of your control."

*

"Maybe I was chosen for this situation. It seems like I've been in and out of something like this my whole life. Sometimes you ask the Lord, 'Why me?' Then you get the answer: Why not me?"

5. "Dusty Being Dusty Could Get Messy For Reds."

6. "Dusty Baker and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance."

7. "The Reds' Disappointing Off-Season Decision."

8. "I also see a team with a manager completely and totally ill-suited to his personnel, with an outsized reputation that far exceeds his actual performance and more control over the roster than he should be allowed. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on Dusty Baker, given that he has managed successful teams, made postseasons, won a pennant, owns a career .527 winning percentage from the dugout. Maybe I make him a caricature, a toothpick-chewing, OBP-hating Luddite who doesn't trust anyone under 30.

"Then he starts talking."

9. "A quick glance at the FanHouse sundial makes it official: It's only March 5. Yet Dusty Baker has managed to humorously alienate nearly every intelligent Reds fan in the greater Cincinnati area. How? The requisite bit about walks clogging the bases is an excellent start, of course, but that's not all; Dusty followed that up yesterday by bringing back two of his mostest favoritest players in the world from the Cub years, Corey Patterson, and Jerry Hairston, Jr.

10. "It's late February, the pitchers and catchers have reported, this cold midwestern winter is, ever so slightly, warming up - it's a time of rebirth. A time of epiphany. A time for baseball's dignitaries to come out of the cold and reveal their newfound knowledge. A time for Dusty Baker to . . . continue to prattle on about on-base percentage!

11. "Outfielder Jay Bruce visited with manager Dusty Baker to clear things up today. Bruce wanted his manager to know he hasn't had leg 'problems.'

"As far as professional baseball, I missed three or four games at the end of the year with a hamstring," he said. "I played 133 games last year. In Dayton (in 2006), I missed one game."

He missed the game in Dayton with a quad problem, but it was a bruise that was the result of breaking a bat over his knee.

Baker said Monday he is a bit concerned that Bruce has had some problems with his legs, and that it might affect whether he plays Bruce in center field.

Bruce said he is not concerned about how the addition of Corey Patterson will affect him.

12. Chad Fox defends Baker too.

13. Dusty Baker is the Cincinnati Reds' new manager, but he's an old-school guy. And Paul Daugherty of the Cincinnati Enquirer loves that. 'The best baseball managing is done by the seat of your pants, using good, old-fashioned, pre-sabermetric logic,' he writes. 'That's another reason to like Dusty Baker. (Beyond his knowledge of single-malt Scotches and Van Morrison lyrics, which is merely astounding and downright Renaissance.) If Baker manages by a book, it's one inside his head, not one written by Bill James. The other day, the Reds manager decided he wanted Joey Votto and Adam Dunn to swing their bats more. 'I don't like called third strikes,' Baker said. Can we get an Amen?'

Oh boy. That begged for a response from the baseball enthusiasts of Fire Joe Morgan, and Ken Tremendous doesn't disappoint (bad language warning): 'There's a war brewing in Cincinnati. On one side: the Dustyites. On the other side: common sense. Articles are being written every day celebrating the folksy wisdom of a man who thinks bases are only good when there's no one standing on them. This is exactly what happened in L.A. when Grady Little was hired - 'He's folksy! He's down-home! He has a drawl!' (one year later) 'He kind of stinks!'

"As is Fire Joe Morgan's wont, the site's response pitilessly deconstructs Mr. Daugherty's column point by point. For example, to his statement that 'It always amuses when fans defend heart-of-the-order hitters by pointing to their on-base percentage. Wow, look at all those walks,' Fire Joe notes that 'five of the top six teams in walks last year were playoff teams.'

"'That's another reason to like Dusty Baker. (Beyond his knowledge of single-malt Scotches and Van Morrison lyrics, which is merely astounding and downright Renaissance.)

"'It doesn't matter to me if a guy gets on base if he can't run. If he can't run he's just clogging up the bases. Also, in an unrelated matter, it's a marvelous night for a moondance." (does a shot of Lagavulin 21).'"

*

Comments welcome. As always, you must provide a real, full name and, preferably, actually have something interesting to say.

Posted by Lou at 11:00 PM | Permalink

RockNotes: No Depression is Punk'd

1. First the forces of darkness - the bad kind, not the kind we like - came for Punk Planet. Now they've come for No Depression. My two favorite magazines. Dead.

"Barring the intercession of unknown angels," the founders of ND write in the March-April issue, there is just one more to go before the end.

"[The] circumstances are both complicated and painfully simple. The simple answer is that advertising revenue in this issue is 64 percent of what it was for our March-April issue just two years ago. We expect that number to continue to decline.

"The longer answer involves not simply the well-documented and industry-wide reduction in print advertising, but the precipitous fall of the music industry . . . because we're a niche title we are dependent upon advertisers who have a specific reason to reach our audience. That is: record labels. We, like many of our friends and competitors, are dependent upon advertising from the community we serve.

"That community is, as they say, in transition."

Like Punk Planet, No Depression is a publication that has been a joy to read the old-fashioned way - on printed paper. But I can't help but wonder if, like Punk Planet, the absence of any semblance of a real website helped do it in. (It's more full and linky now than I've ever seen it, just to give you a clue.

Both publications seemed stubbornly unwilling to digitally expand their franchise. Perhaps they were wary - like their mainstream counterparts long were - that a strong online presence would put a dent in subscriptions. But that sort of thinking is akin to Bill Wirtz's unwillingness to telecast home Blackhawks games out for fear of cutting into ticket sales. Expanding the audience you serve is never a bad idea, and the Internet offers enough revenue sweeteners, in the least, to offset any lost subscriptions that might result. In fact, it was old school distribution that helped do Punk Planet in.

(No Depression has a cover price of $5.95; at half that they might have attracted twice as many readers, allowing for a boost in ad rates. Or maybe they could have foregone the newsstand entirely.)

Punk Planet was in a trickier position, committed to not allowing major label advertisers and to keeping its ad rates affordable to the indies and little guys. And I certainly do not want to blame the victims. I know full well how hard it is to make these ventures work; obviously I'm intimately familiar with the struggle.

But I find it hard to believe a combination of partnerships, the Internet, and expanded offerings couldn't have saved this dynamic duo. A punk rock job board? Americana's premiere alt-country portal?

No Depression, too, suffered from a lack of focus at times, and a failure to upgrade editorial quality as the magazine labored on.

But those aren't reasons enough to die given the joy each magazine provided. If there aren't enough people in the world to support publications like Punk Planet and No Depression, well, then it's a lousy world indeed.

2. "In the late eighties, Winger, lead by the photogenic Kip Winger, specialized in radio-friendly heavy metal. Their music fell out of fashion with the advent of grunge, and Winger himself was mocked by the metal community after posing for Playgirl. The band broke up in the early nineties, but Winger has since launched a comeback of sorts."

- From a recent New Yorker listing of Winger's appearance at the B.B. King Blues Club & Grill on West 42nd Street.

A) Who knew?
B) The best - and worst - PR that Winger ever got.

3. The New York Times has started a songwriting blog (Paging No Depression!) and one of its authors is "Chicago-based singer, songwriter, violinist, guitarist and whistler" Andrew Bird.

4. It's unfortunate that Amy Winehouse is such a tabloid mess because, as Sasha Frere-Jones explains, she's a helluva talent.

5. This week on Sound Opinions: "Jim and Greg welcome the always outspoken and political singer-songwriter Steve Earle. He's joined by wife Allison Moorer for a conversation and live performance. Then the critics will review the second effort by 'Crazy' duo Gnarls Barkley and the Jack White side project, The Raconteurs."

6. You can also Rock for the Animals this weekend.

7. I can't tell whether this statement by Michael Stipe to Pitchfork is typical REM smugness or reversely arrogant self-deprecation designed to ingratiate itself with its imagined slacker indie fans, but at face value it is wholly true: "In the past 10 years, we had figured out how to completely lose focus in the studio - with no one to blame but ourselves."

Does that mean he was lying whenever he said they were really excited about their new material? Probably. Are they lying about their new material now? Likely. Life's Rich Pageant was the last REM record of real value, though Automatic for the People was a good representation of paths not taken, with the unforgivable exception of "Everybody Hurts." That song sends them straight to Rock and Roll Hell. And not the good Rock and Roll Hell - the one we like. The other one that really, unironically, sucks.

8. On the other hand, Stipe is dead-on as a media critic. "Everyone comes into an interview situation with their own story and their own idea and then they cherry-pick the comments that help create their argument."

*

Comments welcome. As always, you must include a real, full name to be considered for publication.

Posted by Lou at 10:22 PM | Permalink

The [Thursday] Papers

I'm not sure if the city has a Ministry of Parks yet, but it's getting awfully heavy-handed when it comes to its vaunted green space.

Consider this report in today's Tribune:

"For more than 20 years, park volunteers have planted shrubs and weeded flower beds in the city's more than 500 parks. They've shown up at park meetings and advised officials on how to fine-tune athletic programs and plan park improvements.

"But volunteering may not be that simple anymore.

"Proposed park guidelines would require volunteers to submit to background checks, supply three non-family references and agree to not grant media interviews."

In other words, the city wants to make it harder to voluntarily water a public magnolia - or whatever - than it is to actually get a paying job with the Daley administration, which doesn't even require that you still be living.

And a gag order on park volunteers? Why stop there? I can see the movie in 50 years: The Chicago 2.8 Million!

"Advisory council members, who recruit volunteers for everything from planting to park cleanup days, say if adopted, the proposed rules will discourage people from getting involved."

Gee, you think?

"Advisory council members say the new guidelines may be an effort by the Park District to restrict park advocates' voices, especially with regard to the city's bid for the 2016 Olympics. Most Olympic venues will be in the city's parks, and at least one park advisory council has voted to oppose plans to put Olympic field hockey stadiums in its park."

These would be the Chicago Olympics, not the Beijing Olympics. I know it might be hard to tell the difference.

"Park advocates also point to advisory councils' opposition to other projects, such as the Lincoln Park Advisory Council speaking out against the Latin School's proposal to build an athletic field in Lincoln Park, and the Kenwood Park Advisory Council's efforts to prevent the expansion of a baseball field. In the case of Kenwood Park, advisory council members were told their group was not recognized."

Park advisory councils are now being disappeared.

"No one had a record of the advisory council even existing," parks Supt. Tim Mitchell told the Trib.

The council couldn't be found anywhere! Not even in the park . . . on weekends . . . planting shrubs.

"The volunteer groups recently have taken a greater role in fundraising. With the Park District increasingly dependent on outside funding for capital improvements, the advisory councils have stepped in, convincing state and local elected officials to contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars.

"'We want to make sure the funds are being used for what they're being slated,' said Jessica Maxey-Faulkner, a Park District spokeswoman."

But park advisers find it curious that "the Park District is seeking accountability from them, yet failing to make any commitments that funds they raise will go toward designated projects."

Oh, don't worry your pretty little head about that. The city doesn't need your help when it comes to accountability and parks.

Grant's Tomb
Meanwhile, Fran Spielman reports today in the Sun-Times that "influential aldermen predicted this week that Daley has at least 30 votes to approve the project over strenuous opposition from local Ald. Brendan Reilly (42nd)."

Is that a "prediction" or does Daley have the votes securely in pocket?

"By my count, they don't have the votes," Reilly told Spielman.

Reilly has proposed a couple dozen alternate sites, but museum president Jennifer Farrington says "We're pursuing this site exclusively."

*

"After laying low for several months huddled with PR powerhouse Hill & Knowlton, museum officials are embarking on a new offensive - and that pretty much describes it - in its unpopular effort to move to Grant Park," I write in "Museum Melee" over at Division Street.

I think I just committed synergy. Let me know if it's too annoying.

Love Is . . .
Continues to surprise.

Thank You . . .
Herb Peterson.

Precinct Captain
"Mary Mitchell is on assignment."

Huh, I wonder what the Obama campaign has her working on.

Change and Hope
On the other hand, this is the sort of photo that makes you want to vote for the guy.

For Pete's Sake
"The Orland Park Village Board could vote on a proposal for the new Petey's II at 161st Street and LaGrange Road as soon as April 7," the Southtown reports.

"The restaurant would be allowed to keep serving its moderately priced steaks, chops, pasta and Greek specialities in the existing building until the new building is finished later this year.

"Peter Kattos, owner of Petey's II and Petey's Bungalow, a sister restaurant in Oak Lawn, declined to comment on the plans.

"'I don't know nothing about it,' Kattos said. 'Please leave me alone.'"

- spotted by Scott Buckner

Middle Class Mess
Our very own Kiljoong Kim will be a facilitator next week at a big-time conference on the decline of the middle class.

The News Swami!
Way better than this guy.

The Beachwood Tip Line: No references necessary.

Posted by Lou at 07:46 AM | Permalink

March 26, 2008

The Periodical Table

An occasional look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

Noodle Head
"At Noodle Bar, a junior line cook had been cooking chicken for family meal - lunch for the staff - and although he had to cook something like seventy-five chicken pieces and the stoves were mostly empty, he'd been cooking them in only two pans, which meant that he was wasting time he could have spent helping to prep for dinner," Larissa MacFarquhar writes in her incisive profile of neurotic restaurateur David Chang in the New Yorker.

"Also, he was cooking with tongs, which was bad technique, it ripped the food apart, it was how you cooked at T.G.I. Friday's - he should have been using a spoon or a spatula. Cooking with tongs showed disrespect for the chicken, disrespect for family meal, and, by extension, disrespect for the entire restaurant.

"But the guy cooking family meal was just the beginning of it. Walking down the line, Chang had spotted another cook cutting fish cake into slices that were totally uneven and looked like hell. Someone else was handling ice-cream cones with her bare hands, touching the end that wasn't covered in paper.

"None of these mistakes was egregious in itself, but all of them together made Change feel that Noodle Bar's kitchen was degenerating into decadence and anarchy. He had screamed and yelled until a friend showed up and dragged him out of the restaurant, and his head still hurt nearly twenty-four hours later."

Chief Executive Tyrant
"Observers are often amazed when executives with impressive track records are mysteriously transformed into corrupt and tyrannical monsters once they become C.E.O.s," writes a Clemson management professor in the Sloan Management Review. [via What's Offline in the New York Times]

A) Really? On what planet?
B) I thought that was how they got there in the first place.

Jerry Yahoo
* Yahoo! started as "Jerry's Guide to the World Wide Web" but stands for Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.

* "Sergey Brin and Larry Page . . . invented Google, a search engine that Yahoo! chose not to buy, mistaking search for a feature of web portals rather than a new approach to surfing."

Yow!

The Week Ahead
When The Week magazine first came out a few years ago, I was less than impressed. I don't if I've changed or they have, but now when I look at it it looks like the future; it's essentially a print blog, not unlike a more tightly edited version of Controversy, the late Sun-Times Sunday section. Like each, you don't even feel constrained by not being able to click links to get full stories. The rundowns and excerpts are enough. Coming soon to your daily newspaper. Or instead of it.

-

The Week Daily is its oxymoronic website. There are no artificial news cycles anymore; and let's be clear, news cycles are artificial, not ordained by the Journalism Gods. They are products of printing press and circulation department limitations. A reporter files a story on a Tuesday evening and it sits around spoiling overnight instead of becoming instantly available to its audience. There is nothing sacred about that. There is no such thing as a monthly, a weekly, a daily or even an hourly anymore. Everything is - our ought to be - nowly. Like life. That doesn't mean stories ought to be published before their time, it just means there's no reason to delay publication once they are finished.

Treats
Print magazine is an example of a publication that is immensely enjoyable to read in, well, print form. It's a visual and almost tactile feast. Doesn't mean they couldn't do more with their website. Nothing wrong with pressing an advantage, though, and that's why I think daily newspapers might get somewhere with semi-glossy news photography weeklies, with a dash of editorial cartooning and graphic illustrations like those Thomas Frisbie has done on the Sun-Times editorial page.

Title Fight
Speaking of The Week, it reported recently that International Falls (Minnesota) won its federal trademark case making it the official Icebox of the Nation. "The townspeople celebrated by huddling around their wood-burning stoves as temperatures plunged to 40 below."

Bucktown Bayless
Just catching up with a recent New York Times Sunday Magazine snapshot of local hero Rick Bayless, who, it turns out, lives in a converted 1916 tavern in Bucktown.

"Our living room has the original pressed-tin ceiling and terrazzo floor of the tavern," he told the Times. "Where the beer lines went down into the keg room, you can see stains where a million drips of golden beer dropped."

Also:

* "We grow about $25,000 worth of produce for the restaurant out of our backyard in Chicago. Right now we are growing microgreens in the basement. We'll take them into the garden in the spring."

* "My parents had a barbecue restaurant in Oklahoma City called Hickory House, and I have all the pictures from opening day. The pork ribs were the specialty; dry rub, sauce on the side."

Phenomenon
* "Something seems wrong with the laws of physics. Spacecraft are not behaving the way that they should."

* "Three-dimensional pictures for all the family, with no need for special glasses, could be on the way."

* "As more commercial uses are developed for holograms, they may soon be found all over the place."

Posted by Lou at 04:37 PM | Permalink

The [Wednesday] Papers

"The Defense Department mistakenly shipped secret nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan more than 18 months ago and did not learn that the items were missing until late last week, Pentagon officials acknowledged Tuesday," the Washington Post reports.

Somewhere in Changhua County a farmer is still wondering why the lights in his house are so bright.

Obstacle Course
A recent study of Chicago neighborhoods finds that poor people who don't exercise aren't lazy, they just don't find a morning run all that appealing if they have to dodge bullets along the way. [h/t: NYT]

Pork Chop
"A top aide to Rep. Dan Lipinski (D-Ill.) has used his employment with the House to help win local races, repeatedly claiming in campaign literature and public meetings that he is responsible for securing millions in federal earmarks for the village of Oak Lawn, while also racking up thousands in campaign contributions from companies with business before Lipinski's Congressional committees," Roll Call reports.

The aide is also an aspiring Oak Lawn mayoral candidate, Carol Marin writes this morning.

*

I'm not sure if Barack Obama supported change in the Third District but I doubt it.

Wright vs. Oprah
"When Oprah goes to church in Chicago, she has been known to attend Trinity United Church of Christ, located on the city's South Side, "Christianity Today reported in 2002.

"Trinity is the largest church in its denomination, with more than 8,000 members, several subsidiary corporations, and an annual budget of about $9 million. It is an Afrocentric church with a membership composed largely of upper middle class blacks. These elements, no doubt, appealed to Oprah's roots in the church, her longtime interest in black history, and her concern for social justice.

"According to Trinity's senior pastor Jeremiah Wright, however, Oprah has not attended a service there in the last eight years. When she first came to Trinity in the 1980s, it seemed that she would become an active participant. Says Wright, 'She walked the aisle to become a member, publicly claimed us as her church in Ebony magazine, and when I would run into her socially, like at a United Negro College Fund dinner, she would say, Here's my pastor! But Oprah never completed the membership classes and after awhile her attendance dropped off,'

"Today Oprah's relationship with Trinity and Jeremiah Wright seems strained. In a column for a recent issue of Black Collegian magazine, Wright mentioned Oprah as an example of African Americans who forget their roots in the church after finding success. 'A lot of us do not even like the word faith anymore,' he wrote. 'We prefer the more chic-sounding word, spirituality! We are caught up in an Oprah-generated mentality and a 12-step vocabulary that prevents us from using the very words and the very bridge that 'brought us over!'"

"Oprah Winfrey did not respond to CT's request for comment about the article, but Wright stands by his statement. He is clearly put off by the direction Oprah's faith seems to have taken.

"'She has broken with the [traditional faith],' he says. 'She now has this sort of "God is everywhere, God is in me, I don't need to go to church, I don't need to be a part of a body of believers, I can meditate, I can do positive thinking" spirituality. It's a strange gospel. It has nothing to do with the church Jesus Christ founded.'"

*

Oprah.com's messages boards are aflame.

Go West, Young Man
Kwame Kilpatrick would be a killer ballot name in Chicago.

Truth in Headlines
"As The Globe Warms: Chicago Editor Goes Back To Warming-Denial Group"
- St. Petersburg Times [h/t: Romenesko]

Rock Survivor
The Empty Bottle cat is 75.

Vallas Ballast
The Chicago coterie in New Orleans. [h/t: District299]

George vs. Rod
Former Gov. George Ryan deserves to be in prison, but it occurs to me that the corruption that was the bedrock of his administration was at least part of an actual governing philosophy - that this was the way to get things done. And he did get things done.

There doesn't seem to be any such philosophy to the behavior of the Blagojevich administration; he's getting nothing done in return for letting his pals run wild. He's running a fake government, built on Potemkin press releases.

Maybe he'll learn a few lessons from George when he joins him in the pokey.

Best Political Team
CNN anchor: "We're waiting for the details, but until then, let's speculate."

Reporter: "We can't be making that kind of speculation right now."

Anchor: "Just asking the question."

Conversation prefaced by the anchor saying she would like to "give fodder" to conspiracy theorists wondering if the Clinton campaign had anything to do with the breach of Obama's passport.

Dead-Enders
Now meeting up in Tinley Park: "The VERTICAL REPUBLICAN Spoilers of Latterday Huckabees."

Dealbreaker
"She snorted when she laughed. She always snorted when she laughed, but one day I knew I couldn't spend another minute listening to it."
- Bill, in a Tales From The Front column about last straws

The Beachwood Tip Line: Don't be shy.

Posted by Lou at 07:42 AM | Permalink

Whipped Cream Indecency

FOX TV REFUSES TO PAY FCC INDECENCY FINES
Claiming Constitutional Right to Air Naked Whipped Cream-Covered Strippers

On Feb. 22, 2008, the FCC issued a Forfeiture Order against 13 Fox TV Network stations, determining that the stations violated the broadcast indecency law when they aired an episode of Married by America that focused on adult-only parties featuring sexually oriented entertainment provided by nude or semi-nude female and male "strippers."

The FCC had first proposed fining all 169 Fox-owned and affiliate stations a total of $1.2 million in 2004 for airing a 2003 episode of Married by America, which featured digitally obscured nudity and whipped cream-covered strippers. Later they reduced the fines toward only 13 Fox affiliates and a $91,000 fine.

Despite the fines being reduced to less than 10 percent of the original amount, Fox TV still blatantly refused to pay the fines. On March 24, 2008, Fox TV stated that it would not pay its part of the $91,000 fine, asserting that the FCC decision is "arbitrary and capricious, inconsistent with precedent and patently unconstitutional."

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media, is conducting interviews on this subject. Here are some of his comments:

"The FCC is to be commended for issuing a Forfeiture Order against Fox TV Network stations for airing program content that one might expect to see in a burlesque show, not in a medium that reaches into almost every American home and at a time of day when most children are still watching TV.

"I still remember my father talking about burlesque when I was a child; but neither my father nor any other sane adult of the 'great generation' would have recommended moving the burlesque stage from an 'adults only' performance hall to a public park so that everyone could share in the good times.

"As MIM's long-time general counsel Paul McGeady once put it, 'TV . . . communications partake of the nature of a public thoroughfare (albeit an electromagnetic one), and what may be prohibited on the public street [or park] should be equally prohibited on TV . . . '

"Once upon a time, TV broadcasters understood that their audience consisted of a cross section of the community, including children of all ages, and acted accordingly.

"Today, broadcast TV networks seem to care less about who is exposed to their programming, caring more about is Nielsen ratings, which continue to decline in proportion to the degree that the networks trample on community standards, while parading under an ACLU-styled banner of 'free speech.'

"Despite their protestations, however, the problem is not that TV broadcasters can no longer discern community standards. The problem is that the networks no longer care about those standards.

"Nor is the problem that most Americans will no longer watch decent programming that uplifts or enriches the human spirit. The problem is that the media is dominated by individuals who have utter contempt for mainstream values and who confuse pushing the envelope with genuine creativity."

-

ABOUT "SPECIAL GUESTS"
Our Mission at Special Guests: To obey God as He leads us in matching Judeo-Christian guests with talk show hosts to disseminate vital information that ministers to the physical and spiritual well being of listeners and viewers.

-

Beachwood Resources:
* "FCC Refuses To Pay FCC Indecency Fine," The Washington Post

* "FCC Sucks, Says Google Lawyer," WebProNews

* "Tell It To The FCC," The Beachwood Reporter

Posted by Lou at 05:42 AM | Permalink

March 25, 2008

Chicagoetry: Mighty Santo At The Bat (The Cubs Will Shine In '69)

MIGHTY SANTO AT THE BAT (THE CUBS WILL SHINE IN '69)

The Outlook was quite brilliant for the Wrigley nine
that day,
my first Official Cubs game and I didn't have to pay.
The paperboys of Naperville were on their yearly
outing,
Ice cream, hot dogs, popcorn, fanatical screaming and
shouting.

Destined for the playoffs, the Cubs weren't frightened
of Atlanta,
our fearsome starting line-up felt the Pennant all but
granted.
The pure green field and outfield vines did shimmer in
the sun,
and we paperboys were confident the contest would be
won.

A Cub named Kenny Holtzman had been picked to take the
mound,
the best infield in baseball had him covered all
around.
Santo, Beckert, Kessinger, Ernie Banks there at first
base,
Randy Hundley in the catcher's gear as the outfield
took their place.

For long the game was scoreless, both teams stuck
between the lines,
with one Atlanta long-ball snatched by Williams from
the vines.
And then the time had come for Mighty Santo at the
bat,
two Cubs on the basepaths, the opportunity was FAT.

Atlanta's sorry pitcher threw what well he would rue
later,
to the very wrong Cub he served up a big, fat TATER.
The ballpark then exploded as they watched the soaring
goner,
The Cubs had grabbed the lead with Mighty Santo's
three-run homer.

The game continued onward 'til it's foregone
conclusion,
but the wild pandemonium left me muddled in confusion.
The Cubs and Kenny Holtzman beat the Braves and scored
a shut-out,
but the passion in the grandstands had me wallowing in
doubt.

I turned to Johnny Wetzel, paperboy extra-ordinaire,
and wondered why grown men threw one another in the
air.
Johnny turned to me like I was well out of my wits:
"Come on, J.J. Tindall, the Braves DIDN'T GET ANY
HITS!!!"

And so we paperboys got ourselves a lifetime's thrill,
and Holtzman and Ron Santo? Forget I never will!
O: the days before September when our playoff hopes
turned bitter,
I celebrate the day I learned the meaning of
"no-hitter."

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J. J. Tindall is the Beachwood's poet-in-residence. He can reached at jjtindall@yahoo.com. Chicagoetry is an exclusive Beachwood collection-in-progress.

Posted by Lou at 03:13 PM | Permalink

Cubs Still Stuck In Hendryville

The Cubs may win the NL Central again, but they aren't a World Series team. And it's a team more vulnerable than many of its fans thought it would be going into spring training. Even Lou Piniella knows something is wrong. And once again, Jim Hendry is to blame.

Hendry's trademark is putting together rosters that simply don't fit.

Take the lineup.

In the beginning of the season last year, Lou's mad scientist ways almost lost the team until he plugged Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot into the lineup about the same time the team emerged with a fighting spirit missing for . . . ever.

Piniella's mixing and matching turned out to be the only way to coax 85 wins out of the team.

This year, amazingly, the lineup problems persist.

Hendry's big off-season acquisition is a prime example. Kosuke Fukudome may turn out to be a nice player, but he'll probably hit .280 with no power. His on-base percentage will be unusually high for a Cub and he'll be a good defensive player, but he's not an All-Star.

In fact, his skill set is so problematic that Piniella has tried to hit him second and third - two very different places in the lineup - talked of batting him leadoff, and has now apparently settled on him in the five-hole, where he most definitely does not belong.

"And I know that the 2-hole is more suitable for the young man, but right now, the way we're put together, I just feel that Ramirez out of the 4-hole will get more protection with Fukudome hitting behind him," Piniella said recently.

Look at that again. Piniella isn't using Fukudome where he is best suited because of "the way we're put together." Which screws up two spots.

And really, I'm not sure how much protection Fukudome gives Ramirez. But the truth is that Piniella would probably like to put Fukudome even lower in the lineup given his difficult spring. He'd be an ideal number eight hitter.

Now let's look to the other corner outfielder clogging things up. Alfonso Soriano was signed to the richest contract in Cubs history to play center field and lead off. It turns out he can't do either. Lou considered batting Soriano third and fifth before settling on the two-hole, which is only one degree less ill-suited than leadoff.

Soriano would like nice in the six-hole, where Corey Patterson always belonged. But you can't really have Hendry's two big acquistions batting sixth and eighth, can you?

(In fact, given the dicey Felix Pie, the Cubs entire outfield should hit at the bottom of the order . . . )

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UPDATE 3/26: The Cubs' acquisition of Reed Johnson gives the team . . . another marginal player who is being touted as a platoon leadoff hitter. Think about that.

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The truth is that Ramirez doesn't really need protection as much as he can give it to others. That's why keeping him behind Derrek Lee makes sense. Hell, put him behind Geovany Soto and watch Soto's numbers soar.

But no, Ramirez, the stat hog, was at one point moving down in the order, to fifth. Which he preferred to clean-up. Head case much?

That move would have left D-Lee in the cleanup spot at a time when the Cubs have to be concerned about Lee's prolonged slump, which is now more than a season old.

One thing about Piniella is that he doesn't stand on ceremony the way Dusty Baker does. Piniella tends to play the players who deserve to play. But he's starting this season in a surprisingly familiar place: not knowing what kind of team it is. It doesn't have much speed, but it's not really a power team, but it's not really a scrappy team with the exceptions of Theriot and Mike Fontenot.

The bullpen is similarly muddled. Mike Ditka used to say that if you had three quarterbacks, you didn't have one. That's the way I look at the closer role. I think Marmol is the guy. We all know Kerry Wood's history. And Howry doesn't get going until a couple months into the season. So disaster looms. Kerry Wood, people!

Thank God Scott Eyre is headed to the DL, opening up a spot for the more deserving Carmen Pignatiello or Sean Marshall.

Expect Lou to use the Iowa Shuttle liberally once again.

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The one strength the Cubs have is their complement of starting pitching, and props to Sweet Lou for keeping Jason Marquis in the rotation. Marquis has been lights out this spring, and his April and May numbers are traditionally pretty killer. His late-season fades are a problem, of course, and they might be someone else's problem this year, but it's a better tradeoff than a still-questionable Ryan Dempster, who is just as likely to fade at the end of his first season back as a starter.

There's been some bitching and moaning that Rich Hill didn't do anything this spring to win a spot in the rotation, but spring isn't everything. Pulling Hill from the rotation would have been the worst thing they could do to the budding star.

I like Marshall, too, but it's probably for the better that Jon Lieber ends up as the long man in the pen. Lieber is a swingman at best at this stage in his career. (As Elliott Harris wrote in the Sun-Times, "Nothing like having a glut of No. 5 pitchers.")

Instead of a healthy competition among the pitchers, the combination of the oversupply plus the closer's drama and the never-ending Brian Roberts rumors, seemed to cast a pall over spring training this year. Off-season optimism has kind of faded.

The Cubs could very well win this division, but only because it's a crappy division. They are not in the same league as the Mets, Rockies and Diamondbacks, nor probably the Phillies, Dodgers and Padres.

I saw a report on ESPN the other day about the joy the Rockies took in an oddball fielding drill, and it kind of made you pine for that sort of feeling among the Cubs. No Troy Tulowitz here, though.

The Cubs could have had that. I was a Joe Girardi man, but I will admit that Piniella won me over last season. He was a master at taking the leftovers in Hendry's kitchen and turning it into a fine meal.

But I would still prefer to see a Cubs roster without Soriano, Ramirez and Fukudome that instead had Mark DeRosa at third, Theriot and Fontenot up the middle, Murton in left, and All-Stars in the other two outfield positions and as closer.

COMMENTS BELOW.

Blue Flu
When Lou Piniella uttered the phrase "a Cubbie occurrence," he officially became one of us.

Ex-Cub Factor
Let's play a little Where Are They Now.

Michael Barrett: In a Padres platoon with Josh Bard at best.

Hee Soep Choi: With the Kia Tigers in the South Korean KBO League.

Randall Simon: Appears to be retired. He had 21 at-bats with Philly in 2006.

Mark Prior: Opening the Padres season on the DL and may not pitch until late May or early June.

Jacque Jones: "The Tigers' big free-agent acquisition is hitting .190 with no extra-base hits, and he looked slow in leftfield Friday," the Detroit Free Press reported on Saturday. Slated to start in left and bat eighth.

Jim Riggleman: Bench coach for the Mariners.

Corey Patterson: "With one week left before Opening Day, Patterson is batting .367. He played two years in Baltimore, batting .276 with 45 steals in 2006 and .269 with 37 steals last year."

Patterson looks like he's won the starting centerfield job in Cincinnati for his old pal/nemesis Dusty Baker, much to the chagrin of many Reds fans who want to see top prospect Jay Bruce.

Steve Stone: New gig is almost enough to get me to listen to White Sox games. Almost