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« November 2007 | Main | January 2008 »
December 31, 2007
The [New Year's] Papers
"Let's cut right to the chase. What does it mean - all this highly competent football during the past two weeks against teams that had something to play for (the Packers were still alive for overall home-field advantage and the Saints had an outside shot at a wild card) even if the Bears didn't? The answer, I'm afraid, is not much," writes our very own Jim Coffman in Bear Monday.
Not much, but still something.
Holiday Note
The rest of the Beachwood, including The Papers, will return on Wednesday with a full slate of really good stuff. In the meantime, the Weekend Desk is in charge.
*
The Weekend Desk Report by Natasha Julius
It's been our pleasure to serve at the Weekend Desk in 2007. As New Year's Day draws near, we pledge to be at least 50% more butch in 2008.
Market Update
It's time to put the pain of the recent Bear market behind us. Of course, despite recent gains the climate is hardly Bullish. Experts note the housing crunch may keep the Cub market depressed and there's been precious little movement on the Sox market. According to analysts, conditions are ripe in 2008 for a rare Hawk market.
Iowa Lot to Them
With the 2008 Iowa caucuses right around the corner, analysts are predicting sources of bitchery and paranoia may not hold much longer and may lead to terminal fatigue.
Trumped Down
As more politicians contemplate a return to private life after years of repression, lies and mind-boggling denials, we have good news: the lower ring of Hell is now open.
One Step Ahead
Scientists this week have announced the discovery of a snortable drug that replaces sleep. Lindsay Lohan has announced, "Duh."
Buckeyes, Indeed
Finally, with the BCS Championship Game right around the corner, the state of Ohio has already taken a commanding lead in the all-important Kinky Entrapment Bowl while Texas A&M has blown out a strong field to take the Really Fucking Tasteless Bowl title.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Give a little bit.
Posted by Lou at 07:41 AM | Permalink
Bear Monday: Saint Feint
Let's cut right to the chase. What does it mean - all this highly competent football during the past two weeks against teams that had something to play for (the Packers were still alive for overall home-field advantage and the Saints had an outside shot at a wild card) even if the Bears didn't? The answer, I'm afraid, is not much. The big picture is all that matters at this point, and in the big picture this season sucked. Also, a final few words about last week's win. Beating the team from an otherwise completely inconsequential small town in Wisconsin does not matter when the Bears can't even win enough other games to squeak into the playoffs.
But these last two games did mean a few things. They meant that Kyle Orton should get a legit shot at the starting job next year. There was a lot of chatter a month ago about how the Bears should play him the last three weeks to improve his trade value. Excuse me? Exactly who do the Bears have at quarterback who makes Orton expendable? That would be no one. So in the off-season, the Bears brain trust will see if it can sign Grossman to a reasonably salary-cap-friendly deal (the cap is going up so fast these days in the NFL that very few deals really qualify as cap-unfriendly). If you sign Grossman, trade (not likely) or release (probably) Brian Griese. If Grossman doesn't re-sign, hang onto the forever-more back-up who has proven he can win a few regular season games in relief of a starter but shouldn't be trusted with the top job. Then draft the best quarterback you can get in the fourth round or later (barring the availability of a Devin Hester-like game-changing talent at a different position, the first three rounds have to be used for an offensive lineman - or two - a running back and, if possible, a wide receiver). And this year, the quarterback who plays best in training camp starts, period.
I would also argue the last few weeks meant a case can be made (not a terribly convincing one, but a case) for not firing either coordinator. First of all, I virtually guarantee Lovie is going to make that argument if he hasn't already (in post-game remarks). And unless Jerry Angelo absolutely demands a change, Lovie's wishes will prevail. Ron Turner shouldn't be fired - although Ron, how about a mea culpa for your ridiculously inconsistent use of Hester? It was still less than a year ago that Turner called the plays for an offense that was at least an equal partner in the Bears going to the Super Bowl (yes, the defense was good but the opposition scored all sorts of points in the post-season people). As for Bob Babich, I'd like to see him gone. He was completely overmatched in too many games in which there seemed to be obvious ways to attack opposing offenses (like, say, blitzing the Redskin back-up quarterback who hadn't thrown a meaningful pass in a decade - by the way, if the Bears had won that game they would have finished in a tie for the second wild card spot). But there also is something to be said for avoiding the three-coordinators-in-three-years-scenario.
There were a few other conclusions to be drawn but let's have some bullet points already.
* A little more about the quarterback position: Plenty more will be said about Grossman, Orton and Griese perhaps qualifying as starting quarterbacks in the league (when they had decent support - solid running games and overall offensive line play - they all recorded victories this year) but not as potential Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks. Incorrect. Always, always, always remember - Trent Dilfer once quarterbacked the Ravens to a Super Bowl championship - with a lot of help. If Orton or Grossman or Griese (cringe) or anyone else (a draft pick, a free agent, Donovan McNabb - yeah right) is to lead the Bears to post-season success in the next few seasons, they will do so only in concert with a great running game and a great defense.
* And oh by the way, enough of the less-than-gushing assessments of Orton's performance last week with some saying it was nothing more than a quarterback "managing the game." Folks who didn't lavish praise on Orton in the aftermath of the trouncing of Green Bay a) apparently didn't begin to understand how bad the weather conditions were and how difficult it was to complete any sort of pass at any point in the game and b) were willfully ignoring Hall of Famer Brett Favre's complete inability to accomplish anything whatsoever on that day. From critical pinpoint third-down passes that kept the epic game-opening march alive to huge tosses to Garrett Wolfe and Bernard Berrian that accounted for virtually all of the drive that finished with Adrian Peterson's touchdown run, to the a touch pass to Desmond Clark for the critical touchdown that began to put the game away, Orton had an amazing game. He wasn't quite as good against the Saints, overthrowing a bunch of passes early and missing several other opportunities. But the deep balls to Hester (and the other deep ball to Hester that seemed to result in an obvious pass interference penalty that wasn't called) and Mark Bradley (any sort of competent receiver catches that ball in stride and goes in for a score) and a bunch more strong intermediate throws were awfully good signs.
* The Bears need to not overpay Berrian (although again the observation about the skyrocketing salary cap comes into play). He has good hands and has at times shown the ability to get deep but he doesn't run great routes and I'm still waiting for his first memorable run after the catch. On the other hand, Muhsin Muhammad clearly seems to have run out of gas and Bradley struggled all season. They may have to address this position in free agency and the draft.
* We've been spoiled lately by a run of top announcing teams but on this day we were stuck with Dick Stockton (enough already, Fox - you really can't find a play-by-play man better than Stockton, who was good for a long time but has fallen off dramatically the last few years?) and analyst Brian Baldinger, who struggled during a Bears broadcast earlier this season. Surprisingly enough, Baldinger had a great day Sunday. From commenting "It's CSI: Chicago down there" as Bear receivers pointed to a mark in the turf at the back of the end zone where Greg Olson just missed getting his second foot down inbounds on an early pass, to pointing out, more than once, what we all know was the Bear offense's biggest shortcoming this year - not enough touches for The Ridiculous One - Baldinger had all sorts of sharp stuff to say.
* The latest entry into the Here We Go Again file: Pierre Thomas, New Orleans' fourth-string running back, became the latest totally-obscure-until-today back to have a huge day against the Bear defense this season. See previous Bear Mondays addressing games against the Broncos and Giants in particular for further details. After a couple early fourth-quarter runs, Thomas had piled up 101 yards rushing and 60 receiving. If anyone knew Thomas had this sort of potential it should have been the Bears coaching staff, specifically Ron Turner. Thomas starred for Turner at the U. of I., but then slipped back in the depth chart (mostly behind Rashard Mendenhall and partly due to injury) after Ron Zook arrived a couple seasons ago. The former superduperstar at south suburban T.F. South was thought to have pro potential going into college but not coming out, when the Saints signed him as an undrafted free agent. But look at him now.
* Brian Urlacher certainly stepped up and reestablished himself as an elite player in the league in the last month of the season (he had four picks in the final five games). But it wouldn't kill the Bears to start planning for his transition to weak-side linebacker (he is perhaps the best ever dropping back into a huge middle zone in pass coverage but Thomas' big day was yet more evidence that Urlacher isn't a good enough run stuffer in the middle). Unfortunately, there wasn't an opportunity to see either Lance Briggs or Jamar Williams in the MLB spot down the stretch to begin assessing their ability to take over at that spot. And it doesn't matter anyway, at least as far as Briggs is concerned because I bet he's gone anyway as a free agent.
* Speaking of the defense, Brandon McGowan and Danieal Manning (I still can't get over the fact that Manning wants us to pronounce his first name Danielle - can we just call him Dan next year?) could turn into a very good safety tandem. They need to work on their form tackling (not just trying to ram into guys and ineffectually pawing at the ball in an attempt to strip it, but going in with head up and arms wide and wrapping good, solid tackles consistently) but there is a great deal of potential. McGowan is a big hitter with great strong safety size who seemed to improve considerably in coverage late in the season. Manning also played very physical football at times, although I don't think he's a perfect fit for the classic cover-2 scheme with both safeties playing deep in the secondary and mostly concerned with covering their zones.
* In the second half, Tommie Harris seemed to awaken from a season-long slumber and we're reminded of what a powerful disruptive presence in the middle of the defensive line can do. A fully healthy Harris is a big reason to look forward to better things in 2008.
* Roberto Garza put a capper on the season with one final false start less than six minutes into the game. But otherwise, the offensive line avoided penalties, protected Orton and opened up at least a little bit of running room for Adrian Peterson. Peterson earned some hard yards and some tough first downs but on any decent team he has to be a back-up (and a big-time contributor on special teams). In fact, unless Wolfe is a total bust in training camp 2008, Peterson should be the third-stringer behind last year's third-round pick and whichever stud running back the Bears bring in to replace Cedric Benson (with a high draft pick or as a veteran free agent).
* Thank goodness the Bear defense finally had enough stops early in opposition drives to force enough punts from deep on the other side of the field to almost force the kick that Hester returned for the touchdown (if you kick straight out of bounds too many times from your side of the field, the Bears' average field position will just be too good). He went through a huge hole and initially I was going to write something positive about the blocking on the play. But the key element was a trio of Saints cover guys who banged together, Three-Stooges-like, in front of Hester as he began the return. Clearly two of those guys had failed to maintain gap discipline and that's what set the greatest returner ever free. It was a wonderful reminder that no matter what else happens, Bears fans can take comfort from the fact that the Devin Hester-era is still in its infancy.
Posted by Lou at 07:19 AM | Permalink
December 29, 2007
The Weekend Desk Report
It's been our pleasure to serve at the Weekend Desk in 2007. As New Year's Day draws near, we pledge to be at least 50% more butch in 2008.
Market Update
It's time to put the pain of the recent Bear market behind us. Of course, despite recent gains the climate is hardly Bullish. Experts note the housing crunch may keep the Cub market depressed and there's been precious little movement on the Sox market. According to analysts, conditions are ripe in 2008 for a rare Hawk market.
Iowa Lot to Them
With the 2008 Iowa caucuses right around the corner, analysts are predicting sources of bitchery and paranoia may not hold much longer and may lead to terminal fatigue.
Trumped Down
As more politicians contemplate a return to private life after years of repression, lies and mind-boggling denials, we have good news: the lower ring of Hell is now open.
One Step Ahead
Scientists this week have announced the discovery of a snortable drug that replaces sleep. Lindsay Lohan has announced, "Duh."
Buckeyes, Indeed
Finally, with the BCS Championship Game right around the corner, the state of Ohio has already taken a commanding lead in the all-important Kinky Entrapment Bowl while Texas A&M has blown out a strong field to take the Really Fucking Tasteless Bowl title.
Posted by Natasha at 08:47 AM | Permalink
December 28, 2007
The [Friday] Papers
Thanks to the Internet, you can read the same news Pakistanis read.
- "A Dream Snuffed Out."
- From Pakistan's most widely circulated English newspaper
And thanks to Google News, without which I wouldn't have found this, just as one example.
- "The deeply disturbing assassination Thursday of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has the effect of a boulder crashing down a mountainside. Whether it will trigger a landslide in this volatile region remains to be seen, and tragically there is not much more the U.S. can do but observe, and perhaps regret the climate it helped create there," Maine's Bangor Daily News says in an editorial.
"Ms. Bhutto's death recalls the assassinations 40 years ago of presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy and civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. But despite the depth of those terrible losses, most Americans clung to their belief in our democracy and its rule of law, and remained confident the assassinations would not tip political power toward one faction. Pakistanis are not so fortunate."
All news is now both local and international. That's the new reality.
The Audacity of Axelrod
The Obama campaign changes the tone.
Hometown Hole
The discussion about Obama that isn't taking place in Chicago.
1. "What a disappointment Barack Obama has become," David Zephyr writes in heavily commented post on Democratic Underground.
"You know, I winced at Senator Obama's brazen insult to my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters last month and bit my tongue as his staff flat out lied to the the gay community regarding the extent of a role a terrible homophobe played in his events. The guy that was to represent a 'new' politics showed us that he also had a talent and an inclination for playing 'old' politics when it suited him.
"But, for me, this time, Mr. Obama really went too far with his gratutious and completely uncalled for insult to such a great American as Tom Hayden who was fighting for Civil Rights, being beaten and jailed for Civil Rights when Baby Barack was shitting in his diaper."
2. "Barack, I thought Hillary Clinton was known as the Great Triangulator, but you are learning well," Tom Hayden writes on The Huffington Post in "An Appeal To Barack Obama."
3. "Every now and then in American politics, normally balanced people get swept up by delusions of greatness about a presidential candidate, based on an emotional attachment to the candidate's oratory or image. The youthful William Jennings Bryan brought down the house and swept up the nomination with his famous 'Cross of Gold' speech at the Democratic National Convention in 1896 - only to be crushed by the dreary William McKinley in November," Sean Wilentz writes in for The New Republic in "The Delusional Style in American Punditry."
"Political journalists have never been immune to the delusional style. But editorialists and pundits are supposed to be skeptical experts, who at least try to appear as if they base their perceptions in facts and reality. Enthusiasm for a candidate because of his or her 'intuitive sense of the world,' 'intuitive understanding,' and discovery of 'identity' - the favored terms in some recent press endorsements of Barack Obama - is presented as the product of such discerning, well-considered thinking. But it is in fact nothing more than enthusiasm, based on feelings and projections that are unattached to verifiable rational explanation or the public record."
4. "Yesterday the London Times reported central questions about Senator Obama's shocking dearth of international experience: 'Fresh doubts over Barack Obama's foreign policy credentials were expressed on both sides of the Atlantic last night, after it emerged that he had made only one brief official visit to London - and none elsewhere in Western Europe or Latin America.' It also reported: 'Mr. Obama had failed to convene a single policy meeting of the Senate European subcommittee, of which he is chairman,'" Joseph Wilson writes on Huffington Post in "The Real Hillary I know - and the Unreal Obama."
5. "Over the last few days Mr. Obama and Mr. Edwards have been conducting a long-range argument over health care that gets right to this issue. And I have to say that Mr. Obama comes off looking, well, naive," Paul Krugman writes in The New York Times in "Big Table Fantasies."
And believe me, that's just a small slice.
Bald Cap
I Had a Crush on Obama, my friend.
Season Greetings
- On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of heartbreak and futility.
- This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
- This one goes out to all our African-American friends out there.
Give the gift of the Beachwood! You will be rewarded in Beachwood Heaven.
Water Wussies
"Bottled-Water Tax Story Even Bigger Sham Than Bottled Water."
The Daley Show
It turns out all that foreign travel the mayor is doing isn't being paid for by taxpayers. And that's bad news. Why? Because that means what he's doing can't be justified as the public's business. Instead, he's taking corporate junkets. Riding bikes in France and visiting Milan while the governor is whacked for attending a Blackhawks game during the CTA-inflected state budget meltdown. In secret. Because the trips aren't public.
New Year's Eve Advice
Please.
Year in Review
Listen to Outside the Loop Radio at 6 p.m. tonight (WLUW-88.7 FM) for a fine and funny roundtable featuring myself, Margaret Lyons of Chicagoist and David Schalliol of Gaper's Block. This is more like how these things should go. (Thanks to Andy and Mike)
The Beachwood Tip Line: Let it be.
Posted by Lou at 07:36 AM | Permalink
The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report
So the Bears broke against conventional wisdom and crushed a superior team last week. Could anybody really say that they saw that coming? Perhaps the Bears need 40 mph winds, -1 degrees of wind chill, a third-string QB, and a losing record to play their best. Perhaps the Bears ought to take their unconventional formula further. Here are a few suggestions.
*
1. Tell offensive linemen the snap-count is 30 seconds later than it really is.
2. Require the defense to attend weekly sex-ed classes.
3. Use Devin Hester out of the backfield, duh!
4. Hire John McDonough. And Steve Stone.
5. Under absolutely no circumstance go to training camp next year with the same three quarterbacks you went with this year - no matter how tempting it seems for reasons only Bears management can fathom.
6. Make Lovie Smith take yoga classes to make him more flexible.
7. When your best players on offense are your top two tight ends, go with two tight-end formations . . .
8. . . . With Devin Hester out of the backfield. In other words, put your best weapons on the field!
9. Realize that beating the Packers actually isn't important at all unless the winner goes to the playoffs.
10. When the offense stalls, put Devin Hester in a really deep shotgun formation and tell him to just pretend he's returning a kick.
*
Saints at Bears
Storyline: Remember last year's NFC Championship game? Two great teams have had terrible seasons.
Reality: Both teams last year were merely the tallest midgets in the lame NFC. Better-than-mediocre teams are now less-than-mediocre.
Pick: Bears Plus 2 Points, Over 40 Points Scored.
*
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 5% (Residual Sugar from Packers Sweep)
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: Kyle is our quarterback.
*
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted by Lou at 01:54 AM | Permalink
December 27, 2007
The [Thursday] Papers
Maybe I've underestimated "Love Is . . . " all along.
I hope tomorrow we hear his excuse.
Wisdom of Crowds
"Well, that just about answers the question of whether televising home games will hurt the box office, doesn't it? Despite the broadcast, the Blackhawks recorded their first sellout (20,511, described as 100.1 percent of capacity by the box score on ESPN.com) of the season on Wednesday - that's right, "on Wednesday," our very own Jim Coffman writes in Hawk TV!
Bowl Games
University of Illinois President B. Joseph White's teachable moment continues.
And Vice-Versa
"BEIJING - John Thomson, Chicago's first ambassador to China, casually dispenses the kind of nuggets that are usually buried in a heap of China analysis," the Tribune reports.
"First, the person with fancy titles on a Chinese business card is very likely not the real person in charge.
"Second, if heading to a work dinner in the hard-drinking north, start off with a swig of Pepto-Bismol to keep you coherent after rounds of local firewater.
"And third, if you're getting impatient with bureaucratic dead-ends, take heart that 'in China, anything is possible; nothing is easy.'"
I imagine a similar story in the Beijing Bugle about a Chinese ambassador to Chicago could say the exact same thing about us - or worse. So let's quit with the exoticism already.
Lobby Mularkey
"Three political aides on Sen. Barack Obama's (D-Ill.) payroll were registered lobbyists for dozens of corporations, including Wal-Mart, British Petroleum and Lockheed Martin, while they received payments from his campaign, according to public documents," The Hill reports.
"The presence of political operatives with long client lists on Obama's campaign contrasts with his long-held stand of campaigning against the influence of special interests."
In fact, Obama recently went so far as to say "not in my White House."
It's amazing what you can learn if you go beyond the hometown press.
Now, can someone explain that Tony Rezko land deal to me again?
Sling Blade
"So, then, why Hillary? Her chief rival, Obama, has disappointed in the debates, appearing to lack confidence and talking mostly in generalities. George W. Bush has certainly lowered the bar when it comes to expecting experience in our presidential candidates, but Obama was an Illinois state senator just three years ago," the Washington Blade says in an endorsement editorial.
"By contrast, Clinton has demonstrated a mastery of detail during the campaign. Whatever you think of her, there's no denying her intellect and willingness to work hard . . .
"For those who doubt her ability to win over moderate and conservative voters, look at what she accomplished in upstate New York, where she carried 'red' counties in a landslide Senate re-election victory. I've interviewed elected officials, including conservative Republicans, from those areas and they agree that Clinton is a hard-working and accessible leader with a focus on constituent service. In addition, she worked from day one in the Senate to cultivate relationships with even her most conservative Republican colleagues."
As I've written many times, I'm not endorsing, supporting or even voting for Hillary Clinton. Not in the primary - I don't believe journalists ought to vote in primaries because it's an internal party activity; we shouldn't be helping parties choose their nominees - or in the general election, unless my vote for her would be the only thing keeping us from, say, a Duncan Hunter presidency.
I'm just trying to inject some reason into the local political bloodstream - especially in advance of coming Tribune and Sun-Times endorsements of Obama, who still hasn't adequately answered questions about Rezko, his kinky stock deal, his relationship with Machine bosses, his record in Springfield, the fabrications in his memoir . . . and so on. In part because he's dodging the Chicago press.
Biden Time
The New York Times forgets to interview its own editors while it searches for mysterious reasons why Joe Biden hasn't gotten a fair hearing for such a serious man.
"Mr. Biden's supporters will tell you that this is all the media's fault for not covering him more - much the same argument you hear from Bill Richardson and Christopher Dodd's supporters, too," Matt Bai writes. "This has some validity, but personally, I think Mr. Biden is less a victim of the media itself than of the distinct political culture that we in the media have wrought. Ten years of endless blather about the game of politics on cable TV have trained the most engaged American voters to handicap candidates rather than hear them, to pontificate about who might win rather than deciding whom they actually want to win. Voters seem to approach politics increasingly as pundits, and they look to poll numbers to tell them who's electable and who isn't, never stopping to realize that they are the ones who get to decide."
That's just insane on so many levels my head is spinning too fast to comment further.
Machine Man
"I am sick to death of no-bid contracts and cronyism and incompetence and indifference and corruption," Hillary Clinton said the other day.
Words Obama has never said to his Illinois pals.
Screw You
Ouch.
Hometown Hype
A more sober view of Fukudome.
God's Newspaper
Sun-Times Christmas Day headline: 'Something God Wanted To Happen," with story about a kidney donation.
Why didn't they use the page 7 story: 'She Went Off On Her Husband: Accused of Killing Him Over Guests"?
Does God only intervene when it's good news?
Troopergate
"Escorted by police, four charter buses cruised past bumper-to-bumper traffic in the left lane of the northbound Kennedy Expy. on Sunday afternoon after the Bears trounced the Green Bay Packers," the Sun-Times reported this week.
"Who received such royal treatment?
"The Packers, belive it or not."
By longstanding arrangement, opposing teams hire off-duty state troopers to escort team buses. Frank Main reports that the teams pay the troopers for their work and that because they are off-duty, they don't compromise manpower.
But those aren't the right questions: The right questions are: Why do pro sports teams get to pay to get special treatment to bypass traffic? Can anyone buy such an escort? And . . . here's the kicker: Why are the off-duty troopers allowed to use State Police cruisers?
This is an outrage, not a joke.
Love Is Creepy
"In The Simpsons episode, "A Milhouse Divided," Homer suggests the comic strip to a couple that is facing divorce, explaining it's 'about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.'"
- From the "Love Is . . . " Wikipedia entry
The Beachwood Tip Line: Cross at your own risk.
Posted by Lou at 07:00 AM | Permalink
Hawk TV!
Some hockey games have true grit. The checks are frequent, fierce and finished. Goals are at a premium and the buzz builds and builds as the seconds tick, tick, tick away. The Blackhawks versus Edmonton on Sunday, a contest the Hawks rallied to win 3-2, had true grit. It would have felt right at home in the playoffs.
Wednesday's game with Nashville's Predators on the Comcast Network? Not so much. But the Hawks made plays on offense and mustered just enough defense to pull it out. The Blackhawks' second 5-2 triumph in their last four games was also their fourth straight victory.
Play-by-play man Dan Kelly, Jr. (working the game with analyst Ed Olczyk) noted late in the game that the Hawks were about to record their first such streak since March 31st of 2002. That's a five-season stretch - and not surprisingly they were five miserable seasons.
There was no shortage of highlights:
* Well, that just about answers the question of whether televising home games will hurt the box office, doesn't it? Despite the broadcast, the Blackhawks recorded their first sellout (20,511, described as 100.1 percent of capacity by the box score on ESPN.com) of the season on Wednesday - that's right, "on Wednesday." Even during the glory years in the decades prior to this one the Hawks had a hard time selling out The Stadium for mid-week games against non-name opponents like the Predators. The holiday break helps - I'm sure one of the reasons plenty of folks felt comfortable taking in a relatively late game on a Wednesday (it ended after 10 p.m.) was they didn't have work or school the next day - but it didn't help that much. Folks are getting fired up about this team.
* The Predators would seem to have a problem between the pipes. When the Blackhawks knocked them off to start their current hot streak, they scored two goals on the game's first two shots to banish goalie Chris Mason to the bench. He was replaced by Dan Ellis. In the rematch last night, Ellis got the start and was demonstrably better. He stopped one of the first two shots mustered by the Hawks. But when he gave up a soft, short-side goal on the third he, too, got the hook. This time Mason came on in relief.
* The Blackhawks do not. And they certainly shouldn't, considering all the money they paid to bring in Nikolai Khabibulin a couple seasons ago. Khabibulin has put up the wall (that would be the 'Bulin Wall of course) at all the critical times of late. The last few seasons, Khabibulin has often seemed just good enough to lose, i.e., a goalie who could make plenty of big saves but would let just enough goals to finish on the wrong side of the score. This season, the Hawk netminder has turned that around. Just after the game ended, Olczyk noted "Nashville out-chanced the Hawks - in terms of quality chances - 2-to-1." In other words, Khabibulin was the difference.
* The rookie duo, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews, have grabbed most of the pub but it has been veterans like Patrick Sharp (who is still only 25 but has been playing in the league for several years now) and Robert Lang who have really made the offense run and taken care of defensive responsibilities at the same time. Sharp opened the scoring with his seventh shorthanded goal of the season. If he keeps this up he might just catch the all-time record holder, a fellow by the name of Mario Lemieux (who once totaled 13 in a season). The Hawks lead the league with 12 shorties. Proof of Sharp and Lang's excellence is contained in the plus-minus ranking. Sharp is a plus-14 and Lang a plus-12. Kane is a -2 and Toews is 1.
* Then again, when the Hawks seized command in the first period it was Toews who made the plays. He made a perfect rush down the left side on the first one, never even hinting he might slip a pass into the slot until the last possible instant. All Sharp had to do was tip it in. And then it was Toews who seemed to have no room to work with after Sharp hit him with a pass in a spot well off to the side of the goal. But the rookie found a way to slip it past Ellis.
*Before the game, the Hawks announced that last year's leading scorer, Martin Havlat, was returning to injured reserve for the second time this season. The temptation with this squad is to point to its most accomplished offensive player and say if Havlat can get healthy (something he has struggled to do his entire career and a big reason the Hawks were able to get him) and stay healthy, the team has a great shot at the playoffs. But then it turns out the Hawks have a better record without him so far this season (14-8-2) than with him (5-7).
* The game ended with an intense little fight between the Hawks' James Wisniewski and Nashville's Jordin Tootoo. Tootoo is a noted provocateur and plenty of people had to be happy to watch him getting pummeled by the Blackhawk backliner. But in the process Wisniewski managed to hurt his knee and is expected to be out a while. It was a rough game overall for Hawks defensemen. Brent Sopel broke a finger, although the Hawks seemed hopeful afterwards that he could return in a week or two. And Brent Seabrook was slammed into what Kelly described as a "turnbuckle" in the second period. Near the middle of the ice, where there is not protective glass above the boards, Seabrook was pushed to the side and then came to an abrupt halt as his top half leaned over the boards and ran into a wall separated at the space where side-ice reporter Josh Mora hangs out from the Blackhawk bench.
* Either Kelly or Olczyk noted they hoped Mora had been able to see Seabrook fighting the wall and the wall winning in a reflection in the glass because the replay showed him turning away from the action in a hurry.
* In the end, the UC's giant organ struck up the Bum, bum, bum - Let's Go Hawks! Bum, bum, bum - Let's Go Hawks! little ditty and it sounded great as the tempo picked up just a bit with every one of the approximate nine (No. 9 was Bobby Hull's jersey number of course) repetitions. Some of the Hawks' music choices are inspired - Queens of the Stone Age comes to mind. But I'm confident I speak for a large number of sports fans in Chicago when I say we don't need the typical canned music at Hawks games, even if it is a bit better than the soundtrack for say, the Bulls. But the organ sounds like hockey. In fact, it sounds like winning hockey.
-
Jim Coffman is covering this season's historic home Hawks telecasts for the Beachwood.
Posted by Lou at 01:11 AM | Permalink
Over/Under
With the Christmas season (almost) mercifully behind us, I have an observation: As ridiculous as the NFL hype machine seems to be, the Christmas season makes the NFL look like a tea party with your Aunt Mildred. Gladly Christmas isn't more like the NFL, because it would look a lot like this:
* Peyton Manning in even more commercials, and also appearing as Santa at your local mall.
* The news measures the health of the economy by finding out how many hot dogs were purchased at the last New York Giants home game.
* The "All-Christmas" radio station changes to "All NFL carols." The station plays Gloria Estefan signing the favorite "Hark! The Drunken Packers Sing (Glory to the Newborn Favre)"
* Minute-by-minute coverage of Week 17's action starts in late November.
* NFL plays its Thanksgiving Day games at midnight to kick off the merchandising season.
* Even though most of the nation claims to be "devout NFL fans," most fans only watch football the Super Bowl.
* Instead of watching the latest game with favorable company, you insist on watching the game with hated members of the family, where the spirit of the NFL season is lost in the petty arguing and bitter grudges.
* By Week 16, you wish the NFL never existed.
-
OverHyped Game of the Week: Titans at Colts
Storyline: It's a must-win for the Titans. It's a must-not-get-injured game for the Colts. You should still watch it, because both teams have winning records.
Reality: The Colts are worried about a Manning injury; they replace Manning with Gary Busey for all commercials. Too bad the Titans cannot score a bunch to cover the spread.
Pick: Indianapolis Plus 6, Under 39.5 Points Scored.
*
UnderHyped Game of the Week: Cowboys at Redskins
Storyline: Both teams have each other. You know what I heard? Terrell Owens said something totally outlandish about the Redskins, which he will later retract.
Reality: This is another "mail it in game" for the Cowboys. Too bad the Redskins cannot score a bunch to cover the spread.
Pick: Dallas Plus 9.5 Points, Under 39.5 Points Scored.
*
Results:
Last week: 2-4 (1-2 Against the Spread, 1-2 Over/Under)
Season: 40-54 (17-30 Against the Spread, 23-24 Over/Under)
-
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted by Lou at 12:08 AM | Permalink
December 26, 2007
The [Wednesday] Papers
Geez, even "Love Is . . . " has lost itself.
Season Greetings
- On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of heartbreak and futility.
- This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
- This one goes out to all our African-American friends out there.
Give the gift of the Beachwood! You will be rewarded in Beachwood Heaven.
Holiday Hangover
Examples of the disconnect newspapers have with reality:
* The Tribune unironically uses the following quote from Phil Cline as among the year's best:
"He tarnished our image worse than anyone else in the history of the department."
Jon Burge? No. Anthony Abbate.
But then, the media too is more outraged over Abbate - an drunken off-duty cop who did a stupid thing but has not been shown to have engaged in systematic torture off black men deemed by a court to be de facto city policy - so it makes sense.
* The Sun-Times's best-dressed list of 2007 includes captions such as "In cobalt blue, [Halle] Berry could be a fertility goddess."
Which is nice because the photos are all in black-and-white.
* Every Sunday, Zay Smith devotes his Quick Takes column to items found on the Internet - a column whose Internet version contains no links.
* Neil Steinberg makes another startling confession: Until he was told by family members on Christmas Eve, he had no idea who Scott Skiles was.
That's Neil!
Neil Steinberg's visit to a dominatrix is wrong on so many levels I'll leave it to you to decide what the worst part of it is. But the fact that it's the most boring dominatrix story ever is certainly near the top of the list.
Speared
"The Sun-Times Has Mommy Issues."
CTA MIA
"CTA President Ron Huberman told us that contrary to our experience, he finds most riders understand the agency is underfunded by Springfield," the Sun-Times editorial board writes today.
Huberman is delusional, but what's worse is the paper's failure to note that the agency is underfunded - and mismanaged - by the mayor, whose name does not appear in the piece.
Regardless of the funding puzzle, the CTA is the mayor's responsibility. And if the mayor isn't exactly knocking heads in Springfield to get things resolved.
Deja Vu
* "A Sun-Times reporter spends 24 hours at the Ritz-Carlton to find out why it's frequently named the nation's best hotel."
Like Steinberg's dominatrix story, it's been done - better. But they've got a helluva PR operation over there!
* A Sun-Times Kevin Fox exclusive.
* "It's the only one of our construction jobs where no one complained about the old building being torn down," Donald Trump Jr. told Sneed.
Baby Paper
And please, no more picking a tragic baby story every year to exploit for your day-after-Christmas front-page instead of reporting the real news all by yourself.
Cy's Folly
A full page ad appeared in the Sun-Times on Sunday from Sun-Times publisher and Sun-Times Media Group CEO Cyrus Freidheim, Jr., congratulating Sam Zell on his acquisition of Tribune Company.
"P.S.," Freidheim writes, "We would have taken this ad in your paper, but your rates are too high."
Memo to Cy: The Tribune's rates are higher because their paper is better, and thus can command higher rates. Having lower ad rates is nothing to brag about.
From The [Christmas Day] Papers
* "In the second half of the 20th Century, no jazz pianist could touch Oscar Peterson when it came to sheer mastery of the instrument," Howard Reich writes on the front page of the Tribune today.
"The technical brilliance, unprecedented speed and hard-driving swing of Peterson's best work inspired generations of artists. But it also drove them to despair, for they knew Peterson's feats could not be matched, much less topped.
"Moreover, no place on earth forged a closer musical link to Peterson than Chicago."
* "It isn't just shopping mall Santas who lose their jobs on Christmas Eve," the Tribune reports. "Add Bulls coach Scott Skiles to a notable list of people who got fired the night before Christmas."
Shoppers Delight
"This is the season of frenetic shopping, but for a devious few people it's also the season of spirited shopdropping," the New York Times reported on its front page Monday.
"Otherwise known as reverse shoplifting, shopdropping involves surreptitiously putting things in stores, rather than illegally taking them out, and the motivations vary.
"Anti-consumerist artists slip replica products packaged with political messages onto shelves while religious proselytizers insert pamphlets between pages of gay-and-lesbian readings at book stores.
"Self-published authors sneak their works into the 'new releases' section, while personal trainers put their business cards into weight-loss books and aspiring professional photographers make home made cards - their Web site address included, of course - and covertly plant them into stationery-store racks."
My favorite is this photo accompanied by this caption: "A Wal-Mart cashier tried unsuccessfully to check the price on an Anarchist action figure, an item the company does not sell."
*
Of course, shopdropping isn't just for Christmas.
*
We're here for you through the holiday. Settle in with our guide to the college bowl season and wager appropriately. Play the Bears Drinking Game to make watching them finish out their sorry season, um, bearable. And don't forget stocking stuffers for your favorite players.
*
Beachwood season greetings:
- Dear Macy's: The Walnut Room sucks!
- Dear Oprah: Don't do it!
- Dear Patti Blagojevich: Congratulations!
*
From the holiday vault:
- Home for the Holidays: Start from the bottom!
- 20 Carols
- A Poem For The Children On The Subject Of Gluttony
- Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
- Day in the Life: Christmas Radio
- The Hester Man Can!
Beachwood Tip Line: Give and take.
Posted by Lou at 08:54 AM | Permalink
Have Yourself A Merry Little Kwanzaa
Have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa
Make your kinara light
From now on,
Your Christmases won't be white
|
Have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa
Something just ain't right
You get to have Christmas
And you get Kwanzaa seven days and nights
Harken back now to Malcolm X,
Martin Luther King and more
Sadly Jesse's all that you have left
And they caught him with a whore
Through the years you're owed remuneration
If the government allows
Hang racist Trent Lott
Upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa now
Harken back now to Marvin Gaye
Tupac Shakur and those
Sadly Jacko started out as black
And now he sleeps with young boys
Through the years you've fought discrimination
To earn equality
But it ain't fair your TV shows
Are on the WB
And have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa now
Kwanzaa Yenu Iwe Na Heri
*
More season greetings!
- This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
- The Twelve Days of Beachwood Christmas.
Posted by Lou at 07:35 AM | Permalink
What I Watched Last Night
Trivia gleaned from Comcast's Sounds of the Season Music Choice Channel. Better than watching a burning log.
*
1. In Poland, the gift bringer is Star Man. (Not to be confused with Starman.)
2. In "Prancer Returns" Charlie finds a baby reindeer in the woods and immediately believes it to be Prancer.
3. On New Year's Day 1876, in honor of the centennial, the first Mummers' parade was held in Philadelphia, PA.
4. Christmas Island is located in the Pacific Ocean.
5. "Do You Hear What I Hear" was heard in the film Gremlins.
6. In Germany, the mother is the family member who trims the Christmas tree.
7. Christmas gifts date back to the time of Britain's Henry VII, when Christmas "boxes" filled with money were common.
8. 86% of consumers do their Christmas shopping during December.
9. In Syria, the camel is the gift bringer.
10. In France, parents exchange gifts on New Year's Day.
11. Born on New Year, 1735: Paul Revere and 1940: Frank Langella.
12. The present-day New Year's Eve ball displayed in New York City's Times Square was designed by Waterford. (Bonus fact: The 2008 ball has new LED technology - 9.5 LEDs - to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the New Year's Eve ball.)
13. Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" is the best selling Christmas single with sales of over 30 million copies.
14. The color white on the candy cane symbolizes purity.
15. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) the Grinch took the last can of Who Hash.
16. Scandinavian mythology brought us the custom of kissing under the mistletoe.
17. White Christmas (1954) never won an Academy Award.
18. Early Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parades had employees marching dressed as clowns, cowboys, knights, and sheiks.
19. Ingredients for low-calorie egg-nog are 2 eggs, 4 cups skim milk, vanilla, sugar substitute, brandy, and nutmeg.
20. Skateboards were the most popular gift of 1965, especially in California.
21. Over one million acres of land are planted with Christmas trees in the U.S.
22. In Denmark, a bowl of julnisse (rice pudding) is left out for Santa's elves.
23. Frosty the Snowman (1969) begins with the first snow of the season on Christmas Eve.
24. When Prohibition ended alcohol could be legally purchased again on St. Nicholas Day in 1933.
25. St. Francis of Assisi created the first manger scene, or creche, in 1224.
26. Since the beginning of the White House holiday tree tradition, 16 states have provided trees.
27. Cabbage Patch dolls were the most popular gift for girls in 1984.
28. According to legend, the holiday tradition of tinsel is attributed to spiders.
29. Bert Convy starred in the only Christmas movie of his career in 1979's The Man in the Santa Claus Suit.
30. Norway sends a large Christmas tree to England on an annual basis.
*
Catch up with Comcast's rock trivia!
Posted by Lou at 07:04 AM | Permalink
December 25, 2007
The [Christmas] Papers
"In the second half of the 20th Century, no jazz pianist could touch Oscar Peterson when it came to sheer mastery of the instrument," Howard Reich writes on the front page of the Tribune today.
"The technical brilliance, unprecedented speed and hard-driving swing of Peterson's best work inspired generations of artists. But it also drove them to despair, for they knew Peterson's feates could not be matched, much less topped.
"Moreover, no place on earth forged a closer musical link to Peterson than Chicago."
Merry Frickin' Christmas
"It isn't just shopping mall Santas who lose their jobs on Christmas Eve," the Tribune reports. "Add Bulls coach Scott Skiles to a notable list of people who got fired the night before Christmas."
Shoppers Delight
"This is the season of frenetic shopping, but for a devious few people it's also the season of spirited shopdropping," the New York Times reported on its front page Monday.
"Otherwise known as reverse shoplifting, shopdropping involves surreptitiously putting things in stores, rather than illegally taking them out, and the motivations vary.
"Anti-consumerist artists slip replica products packaged with political messages onto shelves while religious proselytizers insert pamphlets between pages of gay-and-lesbian readings at book stores.
"Self-published authors sneak their works into the 'new releases' section, while personal trainers put their business cards into weight-loss books and aspiring professional photographers make home made cards - their Web site address included, of course - and covertly plant them into stationery-store racks."
My favorite is this photo accompanied by this caption: "A Wal-Mart cashier tried unsuccessfully to check the price on an Anarchist action figure, an item the company does not sell."
*
Of course, shopdropping isn't just for Christmas.
Christmas Carol
Among Carol Marin's Christmas wishes:
* "Interviews for Barack and Michelle Obama with the Chicago media, whom they mostly dodge."
* "Better answers from the mayor about his son and nephew's city contract."
* "Stamina for Cindi Canary and Jay Stewart, lonely government watchdogs. So much corruption, so little time. Stay strong."
Santa Song
It's the 12th Day of Beachwood Christmas!
On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of heartbreak and futility.
Then again, every day is Christmas at the Beachwood!
Give the gift of the Beachwood!
*
We're here for you through the holiday. Settle in with our guide to the college bowl season and wager appropriately. Play the Bears Drinking Game to make watching them finish out their sorry season, um, bearable. And don't forget stocking stuffers for your favorite players.
*
Beachwood season greetings:
- Dear Macy's: The Walnut Room sucks!
- Dear Oprah: Don't do it!
- Dear Patti Blagojevich: Congratulations!
*
From the holiday vault:
- Home for the Holidays: Start from the bottom!
- 20 Carols
- A Poem For The Children On The Subject Of Gluttony
- Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
- Day in the Life: Christmas Radio
- The Hester Man Can!
*
This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
*
Action Alert
In the wake of the shockingly apt accidental death of roofing billionaire Ken Hendricks, the Weekend Desk Holiday Disaster Team has issued alerts for the following public figures.
1. Having succumbed to a surge in infection, President Bush will deny his rising fever until it's far too late.
2. Sam Zell will be crushed while dismantling a printing press.
3. Despite a detailed explanation of his symptoms, doctors won't know what to make of Mitt Romney's sudden decline.
4. After underestimating the amount of time required, Barack Obama will consume too much half-baked bread.
5. Roger Clemens will be shot in the ass.
6. Friends of Governor Rod Blagojevich will throw him under a Hannah Montana tour bus somewhere far away from Springfield.
7. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger will continue to drown at an unbelievably slow rate.
*
Bear Market
* "There is no overstating how well Kyle Orton threw the ball," our very own Jim Coffman writes in Bear Monday, the city's best Bears wrap-up. "All day long his spirals were as tight as tourniquets."
* "You can't salvage a losing season," Mike Mulligan writes in the Sun-Times. "That's the bitter reality the Bears face."
* "How long should Mike McCarthy play Brett Favre and other key veterans in the regular-season finale?"
- Online poll at PackersNews.com, because Green Bay is going to the playoffs
-
And to all our atheist and agnostic friends out there, keep the faithlessness!
The Beachwood Tip Line: Counting the days.
Posted by Lou at 09:14 AM | Permalink
The Twelve Days of Cubness
On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of heartbreak and futility
*
|
On the first day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
Heartbreak and Futility
On the second day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
100 years of losses full of
Heartbreak and Futility
On the third day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
3 - Kiki Cuyler
2 - Billy Herman
So begins the Mediocrity
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
4 new owners
3 Donald Trumps
2 Mark Cubans
Let's get someone to spend some money
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
Fukodome
4 Santo slip-ups
3 international incidents
Domo Arigato
How do the Japanese say Mediocrity?
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
6 balls by Leon Durham
F-ing Steve Garvey
4 runs in the 7th
3 straight Padre wins
2 games up
This series almost killed ol' Harry
On the 7th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
'07 D-Backs sweeping
After 6 Zambrano sleeping
Wait Until Next Year
4 Pinella screw-ups
30 Lilly lit
2 for 23
A World Series is something I won't see
On the 8th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
8 runs Bartman weeping
7 ground balls Alex booting
6-4-3 not turning
5 outs to go
4 Prior pissed
3 Chicago runs
2 toothpicks
Another Curse and more Futility
On the 9th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
'98 Atlanta sweeping
'89 Will Clark keeps hitting
'70's team are shitty
'69 Cubs a-choking
'05 White Sox win
'45 Goat Curse
'32 Babe Ruth's called shot
99 years of infertility
On the 10th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
10 Santo skipping
9 Hundley catching
8 1/2-game lead is dwindling
7 Peanut Lowery Coaching
6 Randy Bobb is hardly playing
The Amazing Mets
Don Young going crazy
A black cat
2 games for Ernie Banks
The year I learned to shout obscenities
On the 11th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
11 - Carl Sawatski
10 - Paul Gillespie
9 - Rube Novotney
8 - Vic Roxnovsky
7 - Joe Giradi
6 - Joe Altobelli
5 - Amalfitano
4 - Billy Williams
3 - Lou Klein
2 - Herman Franks
What a franchise for this century
On the 12th day of Christmas, the Cubbies gave to me
12 Bleacher Babes a-kissin
11 troughs for pissing
10 concrete a-falling
9 Yuppies yapping
8 drunkards napping
7th inning singers crappy
6 ticket brokers scalping
5 Frosty Malts
4 Beanie babies
3 long balls
2 Ivy walls
99 years of futility
*
Lyrics/arrangement: Tom Latourette
Singers: Tom Latourette, Bill Latourette, Tom Noelle, Steve Rhodes
Recorded by: Joe Dilillo, Maxim Entertainment Group
*
The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas:
- Day 1: Have a Dysfunctional Family Christmas
- Day 2: Little George Bush
- Day 3: Hillary, Hillary
- Day 4: O Holy Grill
- Day 5: Christmas Lingerie
- Day 6: I've Got Erectile Dysfunction This Christmas
- Day 7: 1908
- Day 8: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas At El Taco Bandito
- Day 9: O Christmas Pole
- Day 10: O Sumenberger
- Day 11: I'm Santa Claus
- Day 12: The Twelve Days of Cubness
*
Special season greetings to our First Lady!
And:
- This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
*
Special thanks to Tom Latourette, Don's Grill, the Cubs and Joe at Maxim.
Posted by Lou at 08:15 AM | Permalink
December 24, 2007
The [Christmas Eve] Papers
Is sweeping the Packers really more satisfying than getting into the playoffs? That's why rivalries are not only overrated, but silly and immature.
Bear Market
* "There is no overstating how well Kyle Orton threw the ball," our very own Jim Coffman writes in Bear Monday, the city's best Bears wrap-up. "All day long his spirals were as tight as tourniquets."
* "You can't salvage a losing season," Mike Mulligan writes in the Sun-Times. "That's the bitter reality the Bears face."
* "How long should Mike McCarthy play Brett Favre and other key veterans in the regular-season finale?"
- Online poll at PackersNews.com, because Green Bay is going to the playoffs
Shoppers Delight
"This is the season of frenetic shopping, but for a devious few people it's also the season of spirited shopdropping," the New York Times reports on its front page today.
"Otherwise known as reverse shoplifting, shopdropping involves surreptitiously putting things in stores, rather than illegally taking them out, and the motivations vary.
"Anti-consumerist artists slip replica products packaged with political messages onto shelves while religious proselytizers insert pamphlets between pages of gay-and-lesbian readings at book stores.
"Self-published authors sneak their works into the 'new releases' section, while personal trainers put their business cards into weight-loss books and aspiring professional photographers make home made cards - their Web site address included, of course - and covertly plant them into stationery-store racks."
My favorite is this photo accompanied by this caption: "A Wal-Mart cashier tried unsuccessfully to check the price on an Anarchist action figure, an item the company does not sell."
*
Of course, shopdropping isn't just for Christmas.
Christmas Carol
Among Carol Marin's Christmas wishes:
* "Interviews for Barack and Michelle Obama with the Chicago media, whom they mostly dodge."
* "Better answers from the mayor about his son and nephew's city contract."
* "Stamina for Cindi Canary and Jay Stewart, lonely government watchdogs. So much corruption, so little time. Stay strong."
Santa Song
It's the 11th Day of Beachwood Christmas!
On the 11th day of Christmas, Santa gave to me
rap rock like Kid Rock and Run-DMC.
Then again, every day is Christmas at the Beachwood!
Give the gift of the Beachwood!
*
We're here for you through the holiday. Settle in with our guide to the college bowl season and wager appropriately. Play the Bears Drinking Game to make watching them finish out their sorry season, um, bearable. And don't forget stocking stuffers for your favorite players.
*
Beachwood season greetings:
- Dear Macy's: The Walnut Room sucks!
- Dear Oprah: Don't do it!
- Dear Patti Blagojevich: Congratulations!
*
From the holiday vault:
- Home for the Holidays: Start from the bottom!
- 20 Carols
- A Poem For The Children On The Subject Of Gluttony
- Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
- Day in the Life: Christmas Radio
- The Hester Man Can!
*
This one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
*
Action Alert
In the wake of the shockingly apt accidental death of roofing billionaire Ken Hendricks, the Weekend Desk Holiday Disaster Team has issued alerts for the following public figures.
1. Having succumbed to a surge in infection, President Bush will deny his rising fever until it's far too late.
2. Sam Zell will be crushed while dismantling a printing press.
3. Despite a detailed explanation of his symptoms, doctors won't know what to make of Mitt Romney's sudden decline.
4. After underestimating the amount of time required, Barack Obama will consume too much half-baked bread.
5. Roger Clemens will be shot in the ass.
6. Friends of Governor Rod Blagojevich will throw him under a Hannah Montana tour bus somewhere far away from Springfield.
7. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger will continue to drown at an unbelievably slow rate.
*
Tomorrow we will bring you the 12th and final Beachwood Christmas song, and then return to normal on Wednesday with a full slate of ridicule. In the meantime, we wish you a holiday with minimal aggravation - and that goes for the atheists and agnostics our there too. Keep the faithlessness!
The Beachwood Tip Line: Help us help you.
Posted by Lou at 08:08 AM | Permalink
I'm Santa Claus
On the 11th day of Christmas, Santa gave to me
rap rock like Kid Rock and Run-DMC
*
Where I come from, there is lots of snow
With my reindeer fast, look at my sleigh go
My fashion sense uses red velour
And my friends are just a bunch of elves
I'm making toys here in the North Pole
If you're bad here's a lump of coal
Mrs. Claus makes my apple gold
Candy cane in my pocket
I'm Santa Claus
Bringing cheer to the girls and boys
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Clause
I'm Santa Claus
Got myself a big bag of toys
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Claus
Look at all those little kids
Nestled snug inside their beds
All their stockings hung with care
Sugar plums dancing in their heads
I make a list who's bad or good
You know I see most everything
Take my picture at the mall
You gotta do the Santa thing
I'm Santa Claus
On Christmas Eve my sleigh will see
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Claus
I'm Santa Claus
Puttin' presents under your tree
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Clause
The truth is
I don't stand a chance
You kids leave me all this food
And I just can't resist
No I can't I'm eating cookies, drinking milk
Chocolate cookies are tasting great
I can't squeeze down your chimney
Santa needs to lose some weight
I'm Santa Claus
South Beach Diet it ain't for me
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Claus
I'm Santa Claus
I eat every cookie I see
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Claus
I'm Santa Claus
Ho-ho-ho!
I'm Santa Claus
I'm a bad mother- . . . shut your . . . !
I'm Santa Claus
Be good 'cause I'm Santa Claus
*
Previously in The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas, brought to you by our very own Tom Latourette:
- Day 1: Have a Dysfunctional Family Christmas
- Day 2: Little George Bush
- Day 3: Hillary, Hillary
- Day 4: O Holy Grill
- Day 5: Christmas Lingerie
- Day 6: I've Got Erectile Dysfunction This Christmas
- Day 7: 1908
- Day 8: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas At El Taco Bandito
- Day 9: O Christmas Pole
- Day 10: O Sumenberger
Posted by Lou at 06:39 AM | Permalink
Bear Monday: Orton's Army
I stepped off the shuttle bus at the end of the line just to the west of Lake Shore Drive at 18th Street and caught a glimpse of amazing Soldier Field. It has been said many times, many ways but it still bears repeating: The place most closely resembles - especially when you look at it from the west-southwest - a saucer-shaped UFO hovering mere inches above 80-year-old colonnades built to honor veterans of World War I. World War I! It may be hideous, but it is spectacularly hideous! Is there a more bizarre-looking, prominent sports facility in this great country of ours? I think not! We're No. 1. We're No. 1.
After 15 weeks of televised football this fall, I decided to venture out into the elements for Sunday's contest with the hated Packers. As usual, my timing was impeccable - the Bears played by far their best game of the season and prevailed by four highly satisfying touchdowns. Actually, my timing usually isn't quite this good. In my only 2005 game at the Field, I watched Carson Palmer and the Bengals give the boys in Blue and Orange a whuppin'.
But that was nothing compared to the single game I took in the year before. That one featured a terrible Redskin team led by Mark Brunell trying oh so determinedly to give the Bears a victory. But good old Jonathan Quinn, the backup quarterback hand-picked by Lovie's first offensive coordinator, Terry Shea, as just the guy to run his offense, ran it alright - straight into the ground. Ah Terry, you one-year-wonder, we hardly knew ya'. Wherever you are, just remember one thing: Don't give up. Another recent, ever-so-overmatched Bears offensive guru, Gary Crowton (Dick Jauron's first guy), is doing just fine these days. He will return to action Jan. 7 directing the offense for . . . possible national champion LSU.
And now, onto . . . the Highlights!
* When the renovated Soldier Field re-opened, the word was that fans with first dibs chose seats on the east side of the stadium, where they could kick back during afternoon games and enjoy cozy sunshine. But they pay for it on days like Sunday, when merciless westerly winds blast away. That was also the side of the field where the Packers felt the brunt of The Hawk whistling down on them all day long. My friend Jon's seats are on the west side, not far behind the Bears' bench, so we were sheltered from the worst of it. By about midway through the second quarter, the upper-deck stands on the East Side had pretty much cleared out. But impressively enough, most of those folks were back in their seats early in the third. And even in Sunday's bitter, bitter cold they couldn't have been feeling too much pain after Peanut Tillman's glorious punt block and definitely not after Brian Urlacher's pick six.
* Given those winds, there is no overstating how well Kyle Orton threw the ball. All day long his spirals were as tight as tourniquets. In conditions when it took only a moment for the slightest wobble to deteriorate into a mortally wounded duck, Orton's passes did not falter.
* You had a chance to double your 3-0 lead after three lame runs inside the 10 . . . but instead you went for it on 4th-and-goal from the three-and-a-half, Lovie? But slap my mouth - coach Ron Turner had just the play, s