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November 30, 2007

The [Friday] Papers

Barring the exceedingly unlikely prospect that the city council doesn't confirm him, Chicago has a new police chief.

And we learned next to nothing in today's coverage about his plans to fix a hobbled department fighting controversy and scandal on several fronts.

If you don't count the exciting fact that he and his wife are both fitness buffs and like to ride bikes.

Here are some questions for Jody Weis, our new top cop.

1. Do you believe a string of controversial and scandalous incidents involving Chicago police officers are the result of a few bad apples or illustrative of an institutional problem?

2. What leads you to believe that?

3. What do you intend to do about that?

4. Do you believe the names of officers with the most abuse complaints filed against them should be available to the public?

5. How do you intend to strengthen the department's internal system of ferreting out and disciplining wrongdoing?

6. Do you believe whistleblowers are rats or heroes?

7. Will you be taking orders from the mayor?

8. Do you believe in community policing?

9. If so, what is your vision for just what community policing is and how it should work?

10. Will you be looking at redrawing beats to reflect changes in population and the geography of crime?

11. What did you and the mayor discuss in the interview process?

12. What did the mayor tell you he wanted you to do?

13. What are your top three priorities?

14. Do you believe that people of color have some justification to be wary of the police?

15. What steps will you propose taking to build stronger relationships with minority communities?

And for the mayor.

1. What skills does Jody Weis possess that the other candidates didn't?

2. What kind of vision for the department did Weis lay out for you?

3. Will Weis have the independence to make changes at the department that you don't agree with?

4. When you established an executive emergency response position a few years ago, you said it was important to have a single, focused person in charge of such affairs. Now Weis will hold both jobs. What changed?

5. What changes have you and Weis already agreed to?

6. What are your top three priorities for the police department?

7. If you are going to conduct superintendent searches outside of the proscribed police board process, why not just eliminate the police board?

8. Andrew Wilson, the cop killer whose case broke open the Jon Burge torture scandals, just died. Have you scheduled your promised deposition in one of the cases arising from those scandals yet?

Pervez Daley
"Daley acknowledged Thursday that as the board did its work this time, he conducted a search of his own," the Tribune reported near the bottom of its account about Weis's selection.

"With what amounted to Daley's pre-endorsement, Weis was among the three finalists whose names were submitted to him by the board, the mayor said."

Isn't the mayor operating outside the process kind of a big deal? Why no front-page headlines like "Mayor Rigged Police Chief Selection"?

Secret Police
"Departing from past practice, Daley said he kept the names [of 'finalists'] secret to prevent embarrassment and problems with their current employers."

"All of a sudden, someone says, 'Are you unhappy with this position? Is there something wrong with you?'" Daley says.

A) Or they say, 'Wow, you're a finalist for Chicago police chief? What can we offer to keep you?"
B) Let's keep mayoral finalists secret too.

Torture Test
"Wilson claimed that he told assistant state's attorney Larry Hyman, chief of the felony review section, that he'd just been tortured; later in the day, when he took Wilson's confession with a court reporter present, Hyman failed to ask a prescribed question about whether the statement was being given voluntarily," John Conroy writes in the Reader.

"That extraordinary omission might have aroused the curiosity of state's attorney Richard Daley and his first assistant, Dick Devine, but apparently it didn't. And there was no indication that they cared to get to the bottom of Wilson's treatment when the Illinois Supreme Court threw out his conviction (and death sentence) in 1987."

Hyde Tide
In "The Principled Henry Hyde," the Tribune editorial page this morning excuses the longtime Illinois congressman who died Thursday for leading the impeachment of Bill Clinton in the U.S. House.

Here's what the Sun-Times reports, though:

"As House Judiciary Committee chair, Hyde had to run the show, though some colleagues said his heart was not in it. [Abner] Mikva was special counsel to Clinton at the time.

"'We had tried to work out a plan where Congress would reprimand Clinton without impeaching him. And Henry was on board with that,' Mikva said. 'But then somebody at the White House outed Henry's affair with this woman, a "youthful indiscretion," and at that point, Henry said he was just not inclined to cooperate anymore.'"

Well, I suppose you could say revenge and spite are principles.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Youthfully discreet.

Posted by Lou at 09:39 AM | Permalink

Dear Customer: We're Watching You

I received letters from two of my credit cards recently saying "We noticed you were having trouble using an ATM recently. Here's your PIN number."

Indeed, I tried to withdraw cash with those cards and couldn't because I had my PIN numbers wrong.

It reminded me of those OnStar commercials where they can unlock your car for you over the phone. Or how the cable company can turn your TV on and off from the central office.

So we here at Beachwood Labs got to thinking. Here are some other letters we expect to receive soon.

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were having a hard time pooping the other day. Here's a coupon for our new and improved stool softener.

* Dear Registered Voter: We noticed you were arguing the merits of John Edwards versus Barack Obama with a friend the other day. Here's some material about Obama we hope will change your mind.

* Dear Potbellied Drinker: We noticed you were drinking Miller High Life the other night. Did you know that Bud Light offers the same great taste at half the calories?

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were trying to drink yourself to death the other day. Here's a 10% off coupon for a shotgun - redeem at any Wal-Mart store.

* Dear Parent: We noticed your child was crying last night. Here's a coupon for $5 off your next video game purchase at Game Stop, so you can buy back his love.

* Dear Music Lover: We noticed your frustration in the car the other day when you couldn't find a decent song on the radio. Have you ever considered XM satellite radio? You can get it in your car you know. Just thought we'd let you know.

* Dear Citizen: We overheard you complaining about your alley the other day. We also noticed you aren't registered to vote. Perhaps you should drop by your alderman's office.

* Dear Fellow: We noticed the guilt you felt thge other day when you ate that whole batch of sugar cookies in one sitting. We have a great deal at Bally's right now that includes your first month free. Give it some thought.

* Hey Buster: We know what's making that weird sound when you apply your brakes. You better stop in soon and you'll be sorry.

* Dear Traffic Violator: We noticed that yellow light turned red just as you went through it the other day . . .

* Dear Lonely Single: I noticed you staring longingly at those American Apparel ads the other day. Give me a call. And don't forget to have your credit card number with you when you do.

- Rick Kaempfer, Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes

Posted by Lou at 07:50 AM | Permalink

November 29, 2007

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

Here is the deal with bad ideas: you'd think people would have the good sense to avoid them. After a quick check of the stats before the Denver game, one finds that Devin Hester leads the team in TDs. That's noteworthy for a RB or WR, but crazy for somebody who excels in a facet least known for scoring. When your starting QB has fewer TD passes than a Return Specialist, perhaps the squib kick is your best option. To quote Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force, a man's got to know his limitations.

Just in case it needs to be said again: Don't kick to Devin Hester and don't do any of the following either.

* Start a land war in Asia or the Middle East during the winter. Or without an exit plan.

* When running for President, address Hillary Clinton as "The Honorable Skank from New York."

* Play the song "Dominic the Donkey" even if you're trying to get the song stuck in somebody else's head.

* Purchase the official "Countdown to the Chris Dodd Presidency" wall calendar.

* Gleefully comment that we're watching history unfold after two teams fail to score after 59 minutes of football. (At the end of regulation of a 0-0 game, should the NFL change the terminology of "Overtime" to "Injury Time"?)

* Suggest that you should make "Top 10" money after making one difficult catch all year.

* Smoke weed. Move to Canada. Get crushed on return to NFL.

* In first interview after exchanging the Cubs presidency for the Blackhawks presidency, state "After guiding the stretch run to 99 years of losses, I'm looking forward to extending the Blackhawks from 47 years and beyond."

* Give Ozzie Guillen a contract extension.

* Complain about the size of Jimmy Dean's sausage.

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Giants at Bears
Storyline: The Giants don't want to shit their pants. The Bears hope that everybody and their mothers shit their pants.
Reality: After their loss to the Vikings, it appears the Giants slipped on the rug on the way to the bathroom. They continue with shitty pants.
Pick: Chicago Plus 2, Over 41.5 Points Scored

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 15%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: <1%

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 03:39 PM | Permalink

The Periodical Table

A (somewhat irregular) weekly look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

Cell Mates
What follows might sound like science, but bear with me. As one subject says in the New Yorker story "Darwin's Surprise," if you think about this for five minutes, it's wild stuff.

"Viruses produce rapidly and often with violent results, yet they are so rudimentary that many scientists don't even consider them to be alive. A virus is nothing more than a few strands of genetic material wrapped in a package of protein - a parasite, unable to function on its own.

"In order to survive, it must find a cell to infect. Only then can any virus make use of its single talent, which is to take control of a host's cellular machinery and use it to churn out thousands of copies of itself.

"These viruses then move from one cell to the next, transforming each new host into a factory that makes even more virus. In this way, one infected cell soon becomes billions."

Okay, so big deal. Nice biology lesson.

Well, the thing is this: Scientists are piecing together extinct viruses and bringing them back to life. By doing so, they can figure out how they work and, in the case of HIV, for example, find a way to stop them. But that's not really the point of the article.

In doing this work, scientists have come to understand that viruses are a piece of our genetic code; they have helped determine our evolutionary history so dramatically that we still may be laying eggs if it wasn't for them.

And why is this an important discovery?

Because dead viruses found in our genetic code and classified as "junk DNA" are like fossils that can chart our history. "Darwin's surprise [at this development] almost certainly would be mixed with delight," Michael Specter writes. "When he suggested, in The Descent of Man (1871), that humans and apes shared a common ancestor, it was a revolutionary idea, and it remains one today.

"Yet nothing provides more convincing evidence for the 'theory' of evolution than the viruses contained within our DNA."

Your Press Corps
"'Going After Gore' is a fascinating essay, but it seems to miss an important part of the story," James MacMillan of Toronto writes to Vanity Fair.

"Armed with money, influence, and the protection of the First Amendment, the media bravely went out and inaccurately reported the story, not just once but repeatedly.

"Gore's message was distorted because the reporters covering him were out of their intellectual depth, oeverwhelmed by any reference to recent political history, and completely uneducated about the issues.

"Now they offer the reasoning that 'he probably could have overcome' their incompetence.'"

(Vanity Fair has posted more letters responding to the Gore story on their website.)

Night Fever
I'm not a huge Saturday Night Fever fan, though the soundtrack cannot be denied, but this retelling of how the improbable blockbuster came together in the Movies Rock supplement is fascinating (not available online as far as I can tell).

* "The Bee Gees weren't even involved in the movie in the beginning," says Travolta. "I was dancing to Stevie Wonder and Boz Scaggs."

* "The Bee Gees were broken. They were touring Malaysia and Venezuela, the two places where they were still popular."

* "The Bee Gees played their demos [for producer Robert Stigwood]: 'How Deep Is Your Love,' 'Stayin' Alive,' 'Night Fever,' 'More Than a Woman.' '[He] flipped out and said these will be great,' Barry Gibb said. 'We still had no concept of the movie, except some kind of rough script that they'd brought with them. You've got to remember, we were fairly dead in the water at that point, 1975."

* "The music had a profound effect on the cast and crew. It changed everything."

* Stigwood had the option for making Grease but because the musical was still going strong, he couldn't begin production before the spring of 1978. Saturday Night Fever was something he did in the meantime.

* The film derived from a New York magazine cover story "whose illustrations helped persuade [author Nik] Cohn's editor in chief, Clay Felker, to run it. The title was changed from 'Another Saturday Night' to 'Tribal Rites of the New Saturday Night.'"

* Cohn was paid $90,000 for the rights to the story, which turned out to be fictionalized though based on real reporting.

Mocking Mitt
"The [Mormon] church's position is that, while Christ will indeed appear at the Mount of Olives, he will also build a new Jerusalem in Jackson County, Missouri, which will serve as the seat of his 1,000-year reign on Earth," the New Republic recalls. "Romney had conveniently neglected to mention this part of his church's doctrine."

Because that would sound crazy.

But any crazier than the doctrine of any other religion or cult? I mean, we could try to square the circle on that whole Trinity thing. Similarly, I'm reminded of a Family Guy scene depicting Abraham walking down a mountain with his son, who says "What the fuck was that all about?"

Posted by Lou at 03:15 PM | Permalink

The [Thursday] Papers

Though it had its stretches of boring demagoguery, last night's Republican debate was pretty interesting all-in-all. Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney engaged in actual debating, and Fred Thompson finally made a decent showing. Yet, if you are a Sun-Times reader, you got three paragraphs on page 20 just above the Garage King ad.

Think of that the next time the paper's editorial page chastises the public for their lack of political participation, knowledge and engagement.

*

The Tribune put their debate story on Page One. But nobody in Chicago is offering as extensive, witty and insightful coverage as The Beachwood Reporter. Imagine that.

Beaver Cleaver
Forrest Claypool on the most coincidental ward in Cook County history.

Deed Creed
"I manage a bunch of knuckleheads on a daily basis."
- Debra Williams-Burnett of the Cook County Recorder of Deeds office, on employees who apparently solicited tips from the public by hanging Christmas stockings at their work stations

Obamaland
Who's the insider with an ethical compass bent by ambition?

*

"Let me get back to you on that," Obama spokesman Bill Burton told the Sun-Times about two weeks ago. The paper is still waiting.

Who's that talking about straight answers to tough questions again?

*

"But Burton defended Obama's voting to invest the [Woods Fund] charity's money with [clouty developer and campaign contributor Allison] Davis rather than abstaining to avoid the appearance of a possible conflict of interest.

"It was a worthwhile project," Burton said. "It's not a conflict of interest to do what's right for your community."

So you only abstain from a vote because of a conflict of interest when you are opposed to something?

*

"Davis declined to comment."

*

"His son Cullen Davis is paid to manage the building [funded by the charity on whose board Obama once sat]."

Nice.

*

While Obama saw no conflict-of-interest in voting to deliver a lucrative bounty to his former law firm employer and campaign contributor, the board's chairman abstained from voting because of his own ties to Davis. Maybe the wrong guy is running for president.

Risk and Reward
"Mayor Daley's Department of Streets and Sanitation has awarded a five-year, $55 million contract to Lindahl Brothers Inc. for 'emergency rental of heavy-duty snow equipment with operators,'" the Sun-Times reports.

"Lindahl was one of the companies that used an illegal dump that FBI mole John Christopher created at Roosevelt and Kostner."

Richie Daley: The Green Mayor.

Greatest Hits
Let's take a look at some recent stands made by the Sun-Times editorial page.

* November 13: In "Detectives Need To Get A Clue," the paper comes out against bad detectives. "Even a novice CSI viewer could have seen that Kathleen's bathtub death in 2004 was suspicious."

Yeah! Don't any Bolingbrook cops watch that show?

* November 18: In "Woman-Bashing Is Caveman Defense," the paper comes out against murder suspects blaming their missing wives' bad moods on PMS.

Yeah! Someone of Drew Peterson's influence has no business making statements like that.

* Also November 18: In "Great American Male Psych Out," the paper comes out against men who don't want to date women who make more money than they do.

"Guys shouldn't let Monika Lotter's Burberry bag threaten them," the paper says. "She's got an MBA, lives in a hot North Side neighborhood and works for Donald Trump."

Threatened? How about disgusted? Three strikes and you're out, Monika. And that doesn't even count the Burberry bag.

The paper even manages to blame Stacy Peterson's presumed death on this "syndrome." Wait, was there a CSI episode like this?

* November 21: In "About Those Other Women . . . ", the paper chastises the media for its focus on Stacy Peterson when "we hardly hear a mention of the cases of two women whose charred bodies were found on the South Side."

Without even the slightest acknowledgement of its own paper's frenzy, the editorial board asks "How is it that we know so much about the Peterson family and their Jerry Springer-like story arc and yet we know virtually nothing about these other missing women."

Yes, how is it?

The paper goes on to muse, "We hate to even bring this up, but could a serial killer be on the loose?"

Could be! Or maybe there are several killers on the loose! Or, how's this one, maybe Drew Peterson burned those women? I hate to bring it up, but you have to admit it's possible!

The Beachwood Tip Line: Burberry-free.

Posted by Lou at 08:25 AM | Permalink

Over/Under

I'm not into reality TV as a whole, but there is one can't-miss show in the Emery household: The Amazing Race. This show represents quintessential American ugliness at its best: Americans push locals into doing their bidding, harass customer service people to get what they want, breeze through a foreign culture in 24 hours, and partake of activities on a superficial level while believing their behavior is nearly spiritual.

What if we brought a similar brand of reality TV to the NFL? Let's take a look.

* Rex Grossman tapes his testimonial saying he "totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn't get him the snap."

* Before scoring a TD, a player has to eat six fish eyes and call his agent on a Bluetooth.

* Running backs are required to balance a pot on their helmet. And play behind the Bears offensive line.

* Visiting players must make their own air travel arrangements. Cutting in line in front of an angry local population is permitted.

* Kickers must not let Devin Hester return the ball, lest they face the wrath of angry gods.

* Holders on field goals and extra points must keep eyes open.

* The NFL gets to tape games before actually broadcasting them so they may be edited for a false sense of suspense.

* The huddle is replaced with the "house meeting."

* The Pro Bowl is replaced by a reunion show where Rex Grossman once again says he "totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn't get him the snap."

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OverHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Cowboys
Storyline: Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. Brett Favre is The Greatest American Hero.
Reality: Brett Favre in Dallas is as cool as a blonde Afro and a skin-tight superhero suit.
Pick: Dallas Minus 7, Under 51.5 Points Scored.

UnderHyped Game: of the Week: Jaguars at Colts
Storyline: Believe it or not, Eli and I are from the same mother.
Reality: Think of Peyton as Greg Brady, and Jacksonville as Bobby and Peter. In this episode, Bobby and Peter leave frogs in the back seat of the car, totally ruining Greg's chances with the hot chick.
Pick: Jacksonville Plus 7, Under 45 Points Scored.

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Results
Last week: 1-5 (1-2 Against the Spread, 0-3 Over/Under)
Season: 29-41 (12-23 Against the Spread, 17-18 Over/Under)

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 06:39 AM | Permalink

Mystery Debate Theater 2007

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew (Sleepy) Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to monitor the movements of our presidential candidates. This time it was the Republican CNN/YouTube debate from St. Petersburg, Florida.

Andrew ate a cup of yogurt and took a nap on my couch until I called him on his cell phone and asked him if he was coming over for the debate. Tim tanked up on Red Bull and lines from A Few Good Men. Steve manned the laptop in disgust. Anderson Cooper moderated.

As always, this transcript has been edited for length and sanity.

*

COOPER: There's been some concern among the campaigns about what kind of questions are going to be asked tonight.

STEVE: Arrrrrrmy questions, sir.

*

ERNIE NARDI: This is Ernie Nardi from Dyker Heights in Brooklyn, New York, with a question for the ex-Mayor Giuliani.

Under your administration, as well as others, New York City was operated as a sanctuary city, aiding and abetting illegal aliens.

STEVE: Here we go.

NARDI: I would like to know, if you become president of the United States, will you continue to aid and abet the flight of illegal aliens into this country?

GIULIANI: The reality is that New York City was not a sanctuary city . . . [blah blah blah]

COOPER: Governor Romney, was New York a sanctuary city?

ROMNEY: Absolutely. It called itself a sanctuary city. And as a matter of fact, when the welfare reform act that President Clinton brought forward said that they were going to end the sanctuary policy of New York City, the mayor actually brought a suit to maintain its sanctuary city status.

COOPER: Mayor Giuliani?

STEVE: I've got news for Mitt: all Mormons are illegal aliens.

GIULIANI: It's unfortunate, but Mitt generally criticizes people in a situation in which he's had far the worst record.

For example, in his case, there were six sanctuary cities. He did nothing about them.

There was even a sanctuary mansion. At his own home, illegal immigrants were being employed, not being turned into anybody or by anyone. And then when he deputized the police, he did it two weeks before he was going to leave office, and they never even seemed to catch the illegal immigrants that were working at his mansion. So I would say he had sanctuary mansion, not just sanctuary city.

ROMNEY: I think it is really kind of offensive actually to suggest, to say look, you know what, if you are a homeowner and you hire a company to come provide a service at your home - paint the home, put on the roof. If you hear someone that is working out there, not that you have employed, but that the company has.

If you hear someone with a funny accent, you, as a homeowner, are supposed to go out there and say, "I want to see your papers."

Is that what you're suggesting?

GIULIANI: If you're going to take this holier than thou attitude . . .

TIM: Yeah, we're Republicans, it's not like we ever do that.

ROMNEY: I ask the mayor again. Are you suggesting, Mayor, that if you have a company that you hired who provide a service, that you now are responsible for going out and checking the employees of that company, particularly those that might look different or don't have an accent like yours, and ask for their papers . . .

TIM: It's not like there's a law against that.

*

THOMPSON: Now, there are parts of what both of these gentlemen have just said that I would like to associate myself with.

First of all, of course, Governor Romney supported the Bush immigration plan until a short time ago. Now he's taken another position, surprisingly.

(Laughter)

As far as Mayor Giuliani is concerned, I am a little surprised the mayor says, you know, everybody's responsible for everybody that they hire, but we'll have to address that a little bit further later. I think we've all had people probably that we have hired that in retrospect probably is a bad decision.

(Laughter)

He did have a sanctuary city. In 1996, I helped pass a bill outlawing sanctuary cities. The mayor went to court to overturn it. So, if it wasn't a sanctuary city, I'd call that a frivolous lawsuit.

GIULIANI: New York City was not a sanctuary city. New York City did three exceptions. The three exceptions were to allow children to go to school, to allow those illegal immigrants who were the victims of crime to report the person who assaulted them, beat them up, mugged them.

And third, to allow emergency care in the hospitals, which we were required to do by federal law. We had a policy of reporting every single illegal immigrant other than those three who commit any kind of crime or were suspected of crime, and we reported thousands of them to immigration service. Few of them were deported.

McCAIN: This whole debate saddens me . . . And I want to assure you that I'll enforce the borders first, that as president of the United States, we'll solve this immigration problem. And we won't demagogue it. And we won't have sanctuary cities.

And we won't have all this other rhetoric that unfortunately contributes nothing to the national dialogue.

*

TANCREDO: Well, I tell you, this has been wonderful. Because all I've heard is people trying to out-Tancredo Tancredo.

STEVE: Hey, he's using our material.

*

TIM: Where did Alan Keyes go? Did they invite him just for that one debate at Howard University?

STEVE: That was affirmative action. And now they can say they had a black man on their stage.

*

HUNTER: I built that border fence in San Diego.

STEVE: All by himself?

*

ASHLEY SOMETHING: Governor Huckabee, while governor of Arkansas, you gave a illegal aliens a discount for college in Arkansas by allow them to pay lower in-state tuition rates. However, we have thousands of military members currently serving our country in Iraq with children at home. If these children chose to move to Arkansas to attend college, they would have to pay three times the tuition rate that illegal aliens pay.

Would you support a federal law which would require any state that gives these tuition rates to illegal aliens to give the same rates to the children of our military members?

STEVE: Actually we don't have colleges in Arkansas yet.

ROMNEY: He basically said that he fought for giving scholarships to illegal aliens. Mike, that's not your money. That's the taxpayers' money.

HUCKABEE: You know something, I worked my way through college. I started work when I was 14 and I had to pay my own way through.

TIM: That's great. I've read about people like you. You guys are great. You do the jobs that most Americans don't want.

*

COOPER: We've got another question from a YouTube watcher. Let's watch, please.

YOUTUBE QUESTIONER: Good evening, candidates. This is (inaudible) from Arlington, Texas, and this question is for Ron Paul.

I've met a lot of your supporters online, but I've noticed that a good number of them seem to buy into this conspiracy theory regarding the Council of Foreign Relations, and some plan to make a North American union by merging the United States with Canada and Mexico.

These supporters of yours seem to think that you also believe in this theory. So my question to you is: Do you really believe in all this, or are people just putting words in your mouth?

TIM: Well, if you flip to page 73 of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion . . .

PAUL: It's not so much as a sinister conspiracy. It's just knowledge is out there. If we look for it, you'll realize that our national sovereignty is under threat.

*

SARAH LEDERACH: I'm 18 years old. I'm from Scarsdale, Pennsylvania. And I'm a student at Penn State University.

Often, I've heard both politicians and voters express their concern with providing a better future for their children. A concern of my generation is the trillions of dollars of national debt and what kind of responsibility we will have for that in the future.

My question for you all is, if elected, what measures will you take to tackle the national debt and control spending?

STEVE: I would pay the minimum balance due every month.

McCAIN (pulling pen out of pocket): As president of the United States, I'd take an old veto pen that Ronald Reagan gave me, and I'd veto every single pork barrel bill that comes across my death. I'd make the authors famous.

TIM: He'll use a Sharpie?

ROMNEY: Every bill that comes forward that's got pork in it and earmarks that are unnecessary, we've got to veto them and send them back.

TIM: Any bill that comes across my desk that has something I mildly disagree with, I'm going to veto. Because I want to get Washington moving again.

*

LEEANN ANDERSON: I am from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and these are my kids Evan and May. Maya is from China and we adopted him to give her a better life. We never dreamed that she would that she'd be exposed to lead after leaving China, and now we find trains like this that are covered with lead in our home.

My question for the candidates are, what are you going to do to make sure that these kind of toys don't make their way into our homes and that we have safe toys that are made in America again and we keep jobs in America?

STEVE: Well, you have to differentiate between the lead toys and the date-rape toys. How does that work? Hey baby, I brought a toy train for you to lick. Or maybe you just drop the toy in their drink.

TIM: There's another date-rape drug that's popular. It's called vodka.

*

COOPER: All right. We're going to have three commercial breaks throughout this entire debate.

STEVE: I wish they'd have more.

*

HUCKABEE: [As governor of Arkansas] I did do a number of tax cuts that helped a lot of people all over the place, like eliminating the marriage penalty.

TIM: Eliminating the marriage penalty? You mean you get married but you don't have to live with each other?

*

YOUTUBE QUESTIONER: Hi, this is me and my son Prentiss. We're from Atlanta. I want to ask you guys a question (inaudible) every year. But what about the war going on in our country, black on black crime? Two hundred to 400 black men die yearly in one city alone. What are you going to do about that war? It feels like the (inaudible) is right outside.

COOPER: He's talking about black-on-black crime, crime in the inner cities.

STEVE: There's no such thing as black-on-black crime. There's poor-on-poor crime. Blacks aren't shooting other blacks because they're black.

*

JOURNEY: Hi. My name is Journey. I'm from Texas. And this question is for all (inaudible) pro-life candidates.

In the event that abortion becomes illegal and a woman obtains an abortion anyway, what should she be charged with, and what should her punishment be? What about the doctor who performs the abortion?

STEVE: I'd like a show of hands. Who on stage is willing to perform an abortion on me.

*

TYLER OVERMAN: I have a quick question for those of you who would call yourselves Christian conservatives. The death penalty, what would Jesus do?

HUCKABEE: I believe there is a place for a death penalty.

STEVE: So Jesus would pull the switch . . . wasn't Jesus given the death penalty?

TIM: He rose again. They weren't worried.

STEVE: The critics said he'd be out on parole in three days.

COOPER: I do have to press the question. What would Jesus do? Would Jesus support the death penalty?

HUCKABEE: Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office.

COOPER: That's what Jesus would do.

STEVE: What, dodge the question?

*

JOSEPH: I am from Dallas, Texas.

STEVE: I was there! I'll tell you what Jesus would do . . .

JOSEPH: Do you believe every word of this book? Specifically, this book that I am holding in my hand, do you believe this book?

STEVE: It's a King James version. Is this a trap for Romney?

GIULIANI: The reality is, I believe it, but I don't believe it's necessarily literally true in every single respect.

STEVE: Sometimes God could have been more clear about what he meant. Like with that Second Amendment thing.

GIULIANI: I think there are parts of the Bible that are interpretive. I think there are parts of the Bible that are allegorical.

STEVE: Isn't the part about Jesus just an allegory?

HUCKABEE: I think what the question tried to make us feel like was that, well, if you believe the part that says "Go and pluck out your eye," well, none of us believe that we ought to go pluck out our eye.

STEVE: You know who plucked out their eye? Bill the Butcher. Because the Priest was the best opponent he ever had.

*

ANDREW JONES: I'm a college student from Seattle, Washington.

Recently, Senator McCain has come out strongly against using waterboarding as an instrument of interrogation.

My question for the rest of you is, considering that Mr. McCain is the only one with any firsthand knowledge on the subject, how can those of you sharing the stage with him disagree with his position?

ROMNEY: Well, he certainly is an expert and I certainly would want to get his counsel on a matter of this nature, but I do not believe that as a presidential candidate, it is wise for us to describe precisely what techniques we will use in interrogating people.

I oppose torture. I would not be in favor of torture in any way, shape or form.

COOPER: Is waterboarding torture?

ROMNEY: And as I just said, as a presidential candidate, I don't think it's wise for us to describe specifically which measures we would and would not use.

McCAIN: Well, governor, I'm astonished that you haven't found out what waterboarding is.

ROMNEY: I know what waterboarding is, Senator.

McCAIN: Then I am astonished that you would think such a torture would be inflicted on anyone in our - who we are held captive and anyone could believe that that's not torture. It's in violation of the Geneva Convention. It's in violation of existing law.

And, governor, let me tell you, if we're going to get the high ground in this world and we're going to be the America that we have cherished and loved for more than 200 years. We're not going to torture people.

We're not going to do what Pol Pot did. We're not going to do what's being done to Burmese monks as we speak. I suggest that you talk to retired military officers and active duty military officers like Colin Powell and others, and how in the world anybody could think that that kind of thing could be inflicted by Americans on people who are held in our custody is absolutely beyond me.

ROMNEY: I did not say and I do not say that I'm in favor of torture.

I am not. I'm not going to specify the specific means of what is and what is not torture so that the people that we capture will know what things we're able to do and what things we're not able to do.

TIM: Why even say you're against torture, then? Don't let them know whether we torture.

*

BUZZ BROCKWAY: My name is Buzz Brockway from Lawrenceville, Georgia. All the talk about the war in Iraq centers around how quickly we can get out. I think that's the wrong question. We need to make a permanent or long-term military commitment to the region.

By staying in Iraq, we provide long-term stability to the region, we provide support for our allies, and we act as a deterrent to the trouble-makers in the region. Which presidential candidate will make a permanent of long-term military commitment to the people of Iraq?

TIM: I don't think we should say how long we're going to be there, because why should they know how long we're going to be there?

*

SAM GARCIA: I'm from Colorado Springs, Colorado. The following question is for Rudy Giuliani. Mr. Giuliani, a while back, a friend and I were having a discussion about you and some of the other Republican candidates.

He blatantly made this statement somewhere along the line: Rudy Giuliani is using September 11, 2001, to propel himself into the White House. My question to you is: How do you respond to this accusation and other accusations similar to it?

GIULIANI: I was mayor of a city that was described as one of the greatest turnarounds of any city in the history of America. George Will said I ran the most conservative government in this country, most successful conservative government in this country in the last 50 or 60 years. This is all before September 11th, 2001. I reduced taxes. I reduced spending. I reduced welfare. I reduced abortions.

STEVE: I reduced black people.

*

(Begin videotape)

HUCKABEE: Faith doesn't just influence me. It really defines me. I don't have to wake up every day wondering what do I need to believe?

Let us never sacrifice our principles for anybody's politics. Not now, not ever.

I believe life begins at conception.

We believe in some things. We stand by those things. We live or die by those things.

I'm Mike Huckabee, and I approve this message.

(End video clip)

TIM: I'm Mike Huckabee, and Jesus approves this message.

*

STEVE NIELSON: This question comes to you from Denver, Colorado.

JFK's vision put a man on the moon from a nonexistent space program in about seven years. The new vision for space exploration has provided about 15 years for that same feat.

Meanwhile, Congress is pulling funding for human-to-Mars research altogether.

Is there a candidate amongst you willing to take a pledge on behalf of the Mars Society of sending an American to the surface of Mars by 2020?

HUCKABEE: Whether we need to send somebody to Mars, I don't know. But I'll tell you what: If we do, I've got a few suggestions, and maybe Hillary could be on the first rocket to Mars.

STEVE: That's such a kind, loving thing for a minister to say.

TIM: Maybe Jesus is on Mars.

COOPER: Congressman Tancredo, 30 seconds, please.

TIM: I want to build a fence around space.

*

LEROY BROOKS: I am from Houston, Texas and my question is for all the candidates.

Whether this [Confederate] flag right here represents the symbol of racism, a symbol of political ideology, a symbol of Southern heritage, or is it something completely different?

STEVE: It represents the Southern heritage of racism.

-

Beachwood Analysis
A particularly aggressive Romney started out very strong, setting Giuliani back on his heels for perhaps the first time in the campaign. Guiliani never really recovered, turning in his worst performance since his unsteady initial appearance. Romney, however, frittered away his gains as the night went on, as he was caught equivocating several times and looked like a weasel.

Huckabee did fairly well, though he was overly scripted and got away without directly answering a few questions.

Thompson had his best performance of the campaign, which may not be saying much, but this had to be a glimmer of hope for his team.

Tancredo and Hunter continue to be non-starters.

Paul is both the craziest guy up there and the guy who speaks the most truth, a stunning bipolarity.

And McCain had his moments when he awoke from his coma, basically breaking even for the night.

Overall, Thompson and Huckabee gained the most and Paul will certainly retain his support.

-

Catch up on every episode!

Posted by Lou at 06:21 AM | Permalink

November 28, 2007

The [Wednesday] Papers

"A big-city police chief likely to become a finalist for Chicago Police superintendent has threatened to withdraw his name if the Police Board publicly identifies the three top candidates, a top mayoral aide said Tuesday," the Sun-Times reports.

"If we get a top candidate who says, 'I'm gonna withdraw if you disclose my name' because he's afraid he'll lose his job if he's not the one, what are we supposed to do?" says police board president Demetrius Carney.

I'll tell you what to do: Tell the candidate that the Chicago Police Department is seeking a new police chief at a time of great public distrust and transparency is one of the key attributes the city needs right now. Any candidate not dedicated to an open process and a transparent department is not the right candidate for Chicago.

Besides, consideration to be the Chicago police chief ought to do nothing but impress the candidate's current bosses. Unless there's more to the story than we're being told.

Search and Rescue
How good do you feel about Demetrius Carney?

Me either.

Carney's police board has already had its first group of three finalists rejected by the mayor.

That might say as much about the mayor - who has seen two of his last three choices for police chief go down to scandal - as the police board, but clearly something is awry.

"Above all, Carney is looking for someone who can restore public confidence in the department," Fran Spielman wrote in the Sun-Times a few weeks ago.

I'd say Carney is, above all, looking for the candidate that the mayor has already chosen.

Above all, someone should restore public confidence in the process.

Security Breach
Regarding organizers of the Nativity scene at Daley Plaza using a black cable to bolt baby Jesus to the manger floor to prevent theft, our very own Tim Willette asks:

"Why don't they just nail baby Jesus's hands and feet to the cradle?"

Textbook Response
"Two weeks ago, Sen. Clinton said she wouldn't attack fellow Democrats," Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt says. "But her poll numbers have dropped, so the Washington political textbook dictates that she attack the candidate who's on the move."

Unlike Obama, who refused to go on the attack despite desperate entreaties from his wealthiest donors upset about his flagging campaign.

Oh, wait . . .

YouTube BoobTube
A Beachwood preview of the GOP debate tonight.

Tax Facts
"So who are this year's losers?" Ben Joravsky wrote recently. "Poor residents of neighborhoods like Garfield Park, Lawndale, Englewood, and the Near West Side. My initial analysis shows that when the tax bills come out, any day now, those folks will be looking at tax hikes as high as 100 percent.

"As gentrification creeps into ther neighborhoods their property values go up. But rising property values don't always correlate with rising income. As taxes rise, a lot of people will have to choose between borrowing to pay their taxes, selling their property, or going into foreclosure.

"Who's being spared while the West and South Sides get scalped? Huge swaths of the Northwest and Southwest Sides and some neighborhoods on the North Side, including mine. Yes, that's right, lucky me - I'm only facing a one percent hike on my next bill. I love you, Mayor Daley!"

Dear Hyde Park Co-Op
You are old and you are broke. But you are not beloved. In Cate Plys's Open Letter.

StereoTyping
"I don't know a single woman who isn't yearning for a fashion stylist," Tribune fashion advisor Ellen Warren wrote recently.

I do.

Zell's Bells
"Tribune 'Baffled' By Twists At FCC."

Again. Do they ever learn?

This is exactly what got them in trouble in their big Times-Mirror deal; the FCC's loosening of regulatory rules allowing for cross-ownership of newspaper and television stations in the same market never came to fruition.

"I'm sure the Tribune guys aren't happy with [FCC chairman Kevin] Martin, former chairman Reed Hundt told the Trib. "But they structured a very tenuous deal here, and they knew they were going to have to squeeze through a hole."

More Ridiculousness
Devin Hester is a crazy cat. The Beachwood Ridiculous Affairs Desk explains.

Miller Time
Yes, I'm catching up on some things here today.

So . . . how does Sun-Times business editor Dan Miller still have his job?

As Phil Rosenthal reported earlier this month, Miller lent his name and his credibility as a journalist to a letter originating "From the Desk of Dan Miller, Business Editor, Chicago Sun-Times" in support of the Heartland Institute's campaign questioning global warming.

In the two years previous to joining the Sun-Times, Miller oversaw publications for the Heartland, Rosenthall reports, and is friends with Heartland president and chief executive Joseph Bast (whose columns sometimes appear in the Sun-Times, and sometimes in the business section).

This makes Miller's letter even more egregious because he is not only doing the Heartland's bidding, but he has close personal ties to the organization.

Miller's previous stint on the Illinois Commerce Commission adds to the proposition that his position as business editor is entirely untenable. Plus, the section sucks.

*

Bast, by the way, has responded on the Heartland's website by calling Rosenthal's column "unprofessional" and "potentially libelous."

Which is both unprofessional and as potentially libelous as anything Rosenthal wrote, which is to say not very. But the irony content is high.

Duncan Donuts
Yesterday I referred to crazy talk by Arne Duncan about making Chicago Public Schools the best district in the nation, but I couldn't find the original reference. Now found.

It came from the Reader's Harold Henderson, who in turn had found Duncan saying this to Catalyst: "Our goal is to become the best school system in America . . . not 10 years from now, but literally in the next two years, we have a chance to do that."

Let's try not totally sucking first before pretending Chicago schools on the whole can be better than New Trier within two years.

Find and Replace
Here's a fun exercise: Take this Deborah Douglas column and read it exchanging the words "black" and "gay" for each other.

Or just consider for a moment a column that started like this:

"Black activists made a big hairy deal this week when Sen. Barack Obama hired racist gospel singer John Whiteman to lead some fund-raising concerts in South Carolina this weekend.

"So what."

Earth to Beavers
Bill Beavers is today's Worst Person in Chicago. It's not even funny.

Okay, it's a little funny. Because if Todd Stroger was a white man, he wouldn't be the Cook County board president. He'd be selling shoes at Macy's. And it wasn't John Stroger's whiteness that got all his sham budgets passed over the years. No, actually it really isn't funny.

COMMENT 9:37 A.M.: From a faithful Beachwood reader with good reason to remain anonymous:

If for no reason than pure devilment, I have to quibble with your line in today's Beachwood that Todd Stroger would be selling shoes at Macy's if he were a white man. Let's see . . . Todd comes from a politically-connected South Side family from a politically-connected neighborhood; his father's clout helped him to elected office then, ultimately to he office held by his father. Hell, if Todd Stroger were white, he wouldn't be selling shoes, he'd be MAYOR!

RESPONSE: You are absolutely right. I stand corrected. I knew something wasn't quite right about that line, but I couldn't figure out what. Now I know. Thank you, sir.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Tubular.

Posted by Lou at 08:18 AM | Permalink

Devin Hester's Other Ridiculous Ways

1. He will only eat cheeseburgers plain without ketchup or mustard.

2. He refuses to use unleaded gas.

3. He has a fear of remote controls.

4. He's allergic to argyle.

5. He can't jump rope.

6. He owns the import of Olivia Newton-John's Greatest Hits, Vol. 3.

7. He's Mormon.

8. He's never seen an episode of M*A*S*H.

9. His best friend is Robbie Gould.

10. He believes you should put your money in bonds right now.

Posted by Lou at 05:00 AM | Permalink

Open Letter

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night. Good-bye, good-bye, good-by-y-y-y-y-ye!

You, too, should take some inspiration from the Von Trapp children, and leave good-naturedly in a burst of song when it is so clearly your bedtime. Co-Op, it is time for the big sleep.

As you know, Co-Op members are now voting on whether to shut you down. From the recent press coverage, many Chicagoans think you are a beloved 75-year-old neighborhood grocery store and institution beset by villainous creditors and its landlord, the nefarious University of Chicago.

Well, Co-Op, you are old. You are broke. You owe your 55th Street landlord, the U of C, over a million dollars in back rent. For the next 16 years you're locked into another $1 million annual lease for an expansion store on 47th Street that went bust in 2005 after only a few years. You have to pay rent on the closed 47th Street store because that landlord is your main food distributor, Certified Grocers Midwest, which is considerably less generous than the University. And you lost money taking over yet another grocery store on 53rd Street, Mr. G's - also now closed.

You are old, you are broke. But you are not beloved. You inspire a hatred so raw among most Hyde Parkers, it's a wonder we're not all down with food poisoning, regardless of the quality of your products. In that sense, you are a powerful force for neighborhood unity. University-affiliated or not, black or white, middle-class or low-income, Hyde Parkers bond joyously over our antipathy for you. The phrase "I hate the Co-Op" is a cherished hymn of solidarity. After you are gone - oh happy day! - will we ever be this close again? Or will we fall apart, like the Harold Washington coalition without Harold Washington? I, for one, am willing to risk it.

The recent Town Hall meeting to discuss your future drew a reported 400 to 500 people, most of whom surprised me by going on about how wonderful and warm and close-knit the Co-Op is. I was looking around for Rod Serling when someone stood up and brought the room back to reality: "I really would like to know what drives this love for this institution," Edna Epstein was quoted in the Tribune account. "I'm one of those who will do virtually anything not to shop at the Co-Op." She was answered by a surly murmur from the crowd.

What I figure is this: The vast majority of Hyde Parkers whooped when they heard about your potential closing, Co-Op, and needed no meeting to persuade them to vote you out of existence. They were too busy throwing confetti out their windows.

The people who did come - 500 at most - would be a small percentage of the 2,600 members even if every single person owned a Co-Op share. Of those 500 attendees, up to 170 may have been Co-Op employees with their own agenda. Certainly the front-end employees, whom I recognize, were strongly represented in the folding chairs, along with their union rep, lustily calling out their approval and disapproval. The union rep made a fierce speech promising to oppose any closing.

In other words, that meeting was stacked.

Now, why do people who don't cash your paychecks hate you so much? What have you done to earn the eternal contempt of Edna Epstein, myself, and every neighbor I've ever known (barring one) in my 23 years in Hyde Park? You began in 1932 as a neighborhood buying club and became a supermarket. Mahalia Jackson sang at a 1954 ribbon-cutting for a previous location. At the Town Hall meeting, venerable former 5th Ward Ald. Leon Despres, an original member, spoke eloquently about the need to save you. I hate to disagree with Mr. Despres.

However, you are not the fight-the-power, pioneering institution people like Mr. Despres fondly remember. Your troubles - financial and otherwise - did not begin recently, or even in the late 1990's, as pro-Co-Op people now claim. That's when you opened that stupid 47th Street store in a bid to keep all competitors out of the neighborhood. No; when I moved here in 1984, you were already the sorriest store I'd ever shopped, run by the most hostile employees I have encountered anywhere, including New York.

"You know that one checker, the man who won't even look at you?" asked my husband the other day.

"Won't look at you?" I said. "You'll have to be a lot more specific."

Co-Op, you have literally a handful of employees - five - who are friendly and helpful to the customers. And they are wonderful people. Unfortunately, current technology and federal laws prevent us from cloning them to staff the entire store.

In the past few months, a new manager has brought many of your crazy prices down to a closer version of what sane people will pay in a non-Communist country. But even the new manager acknowledges the prices remain higher than chain stores like Dominick's and Jewel, because the Co-Op lacks their economy of scale. And you'd have to give me a hefty savings to make up for your employees, anyway.

A Sun-Times editorial on November 25 vociferously campaigned to keep you open. Sadly, the editorial got everything wrong. The Sun-Times incorrectly includes Hyde Park among the low-income, isolated urban neighborhoods now called "food deserts" for their complete lack of real grocery stores with fresh produce and meat. Then the editorial spent all but one paragraph decrying food deserts.

Hyde Park is often lumped with troubled inner city neighborhoods simply by virtue of its location on the South Side. We're used to it. But Hyde Park is far from poor, and while it may be many other things, it is not a food desert. To call Hyde Park a food desert is insulting to the neighborhoods which truly are suffering from an absence of healthful shopping opportunities.

Before the Co-Op tried taking over the entire neighborhood in the '90s, Hyde Park had three supermarkets: the current 55th Street Co-Op, Mr. G's, and Village Foods. Then the Co-Op, against all good business sense, opened the 47th Street store, took over Mr. G's, and subsequently closed the two new branches. That still leaves us with the 55th Street flagship Co-Op, Village Foods, and the small but mighty Hyde Park Produce - about to expand to fill the former Mr. G's location. Two other long-time small grocery stores in the neighborhood also sell fresh produce. Believe me, if we want a banana or even freshly squeezed orange juice, we don't have far to go.

The Sun-Times editorial also raised a familiar bogeyman, a favorite of Co-Op supporters: What if the University doesn't replace the Co-Op with a "major supermarket"? Any shopper brave enough to routinely face a sullen Co-Op checker cannot be scared off so easily. Nothing, frankly, can give us worse nightmares than the Co-Op.

The University can be occasionally irritating, yet it is very much in the business of attracting top-quality students and faculty. Hank Webber, U of C's vice president for community and government affairs, pointed out in Crain's Chicago Business that the absence of a premier supermarket makes recruiting difficult: "We're in the global business of competing for students and faculty and staff," he said. "One of the things we compete on is quality of life."

The University knows it has to replace the Co-Op with a good store. Otherwise, the new store would be unable to draw back the legions of Hyde Parkers who now travel to 12th Street or downtown for groceries, and Co-Op stalwarts would shun it as well. And something tells me the University would like to get its rent paid again for a change.

We Co-Op members have two voting choices. Plan A, as it's called, would liquidate the Co-Op in an orderly manner. The University would forgive the back rent and pay the other creditors. The University says it has a new grocer lined up to move in within two weeks of closing the Co-Op.

In Plan B, the Co-Op would file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, try to pay off its current debt and buy out the 47th Street lease for another $2.5 million. At the Town Hall meeting, even pro-bankruptcy board members conceded this would require a major capital campaign to raise the money.

Local Ald. Toni Preckwinkle told the Town Hall meeting she doesn't think the Co-Op can make it under Chapter 11. And the Co-Op's own financial advisor on this matter, Ronald Barliant, principal of the law firm Goldberg Kohn, told the Hyde Park Herald there would have to be "considerable financing in place" just to pay for the "extensive" cost of bankruptcy itself.

Co-Op, I am now reminded of another song. For every thing (turn, turn, turn), there is a season. Now is the time to quit.

Farewell,

Cate Plys

*

Remember the old admonition "Shopper Beware"? For the Co-Op, make that "Shopper, Be Very Afraid". If you've checked out the letter and you like the product - or you aren't buying it - Open Letter is open to letters. Please include a real name if you wish to be considered for publication.

*

From Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release to The Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark, Cate Plys writes the Open Letters that need writing. Check out her entire collection.

Posted by Lou at 04:33 AM | Permalink

YouTube BoobTube

The Republican presidential candidates gather in St. Petersburg, Florida tonight for the CNN/YouTube debate and, as is our habit, the Mystery Debate Theater team will gather at Beachwood HQ to bring you the action. To help get you pumped up, we offer a preview of both tonight's debate and the rest of the Republican schedule.

*

The Beachwood Political Affairs Desk has learned that the following video questions are under consideration:

1. Snowman: I was born right here in the U.S. of A. Shouldn't I be allowed to get a drivers license?

2. Woman breast feeding an assault rifle: This is my baby. Do you really want to take her away from me? Part two: Do you mind if I breast feed her in public?

3. Congressman Tancredo, you've sponsored legislation that would make English the official language of the United States. Can you name the ten major parts of speech?"

4. I'd like an answer from everyone: Who do you think the Democrats hate more, America or God?

5. Congressman Hunter, did you order the code red?

6. This one is for everyone: How do you feel about Led Zeppelin choosing the Cult to open for them on their reunion tour?

7. Ron Paul, you have a choice: Name any singer from American Idol or tell us who won the Super Bowl last year.

8. Show of hands: Is this a good joke? Two queers walk into a church . . .

9. Rudy Giuliani, here are photos of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton and Barbara Boxer. If you had to choose one of their outfits to wear out tomorrow evening, which one would it be?

10. Mitt Romney, please repeat any line from Caddyshack . . . in character, please.

11. Rudy G., if you were president would you make gay divorce illegal?

12. Tommy Tancredo, if you were eating a particularly spicy tamale, would you wash it down with a Corona or a margarita?"

13. John McCain, if you had to guess which venereal disease Ann Coulter has, which one would you guess?

14. Mike Huckabee, please justify the existence of Arkansas.

15. Mitt Romney, I'm not sure you're in touch with average Americans. Can you name the price of commissions on the average Charles Schwab stock trade?

*

Future Republican debates on tap:

* PewTube (for social conservatives)
* SpewTube (for conservative talk radio)
* ShrewTube (for Republican women)
* FrouFrouTube (for William F. Buckley conservatives)
* SnafuTube (for neo-cons)
* ThumbscrewTube (for harder-core neo-cons)
* UntrueTube (for Justice department conservatives)
* RubeTube (for Nascar conservatives)
* JiffyTube (for fiscal conservatives)
* StillUsingATypewriterTube (for Bedrock conservatives)

- Tim Willette, Rick Kaempfer, Steve Rhodes

Posted by Lou at 03:47 AM | Permalink

November 27, 2007

The [Tuesday] Papers

Did you know that the Chicago Blackhawks mascot is Tommy Hawk? He's portrayed as a hawk, but how offensive is the play on words?

Maybe John McDonough will fix this in his new role as Blackhawks president.

Meanwhile, the Beachwood has obtained the first draft of McDonough's marketing plan. It's really good.

Oprah Doprah
Oprah's scheduled campaign appearances for Barack Obama made page one of the Tribune today and page four of the Sun-Times, which was a big score for the campaign because page 22 of the Sun-Times featured a story about Obama's campaign that has appeared in at least three other major outlets in the last week that Obama would rather you not pay attention to.

"In the last six months, White House hopeful Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) used his HOPEFUND political action committee - which has accepted contributions from federal lobbyists - to make donations to Democrats in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, states with the first presidential votes in January," Lynn Sweet writes.

A perfect congruence: Oprah as the new public face of a candidate who complains about the shallow nature of our celebrified politics even as he poses for GQ and appears on The Tyra Banks Show whose backroom maneuverings exemplify the exact kind of politics he pretends he's running against. If only it were so. If only . . .

"This spending, reflected in the latest HOPEFUND report filed with the Federal Election Commission on Nov. 15, seems puzzling since Obama is making his refusal to take money from federal lobbyists and PACs in his presidential contest a centerpiece of his campaign.

"Obama did take money from federal lobbyists and PACs for his U.S. House and 2004 U.S. Senate race, his own HOPEFUND political action committee and his 2010 U.S. Senate re-election war chest. The latest report shows he is using money gained from sources he now will not touch to donate to players who could help his presidential bid."

Sweet notes that Congressional Quarterly reported last week that Obama "has been the most aggressive of presidential candidates" in using his PAC to help candidates in the early voting states.

She also notes a Washington Post report about Obama's HOPEFUND spending, which "triggered a strong response from the campaign of chief rival Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), which raised questions about legality of the donations.

"It is our understanding that a candidate's campaign is barred from using the candidate's leadership PAC to benefit his or her campaign, which is why we shut down HillPAC when Sen. Clinton announced her run for the White House," the Clinton campaign said in a statement."

The most delicious irony, though, was this:

"One question raised by the Clinton campaign - noting that 'Sen. Obama talks about his efforts to be transparent' - was who decided on HOPEFUND's contributions.

"Because the question was asked by the Clinton campaign, an Obama spokesman, Ben LaBolt, said he would not respond."

And if a reporter asks the question?

*

"Obama spokesman Joshua Earnest said there was no connection between the PAC's giving and Obama's presidential aspirations," the Post reports.

Senator Obama, why do you employ spokespeople who lie? Isn't that sort of cynical?

*

Here's a question to consider, with all due respect to Sweet and her prodigious work ethic: Why are the most interesting and important (and real) stories about Obama's campaign coming out of the East Coast press (and the Los Angeles Times) instead of Chicago?

Recount Regret
"Bush Welcomes Gore to Oval Office."

"It's all yours, Al."

- Tim Willette

Management Chops
The head of the Chicago Housing Authority resigned over the Thanksgiving holiday so people wouldn't notice.

The mayor, then, has to find a housing authority chief executive for the second time in a year after poaching the old one to run his re-election campaign amidst a massive and controversial restructuring that is already five years behind schedule; he has to find a police chief after two of his last three resigned in scandal; he recently appointed a new CTA chief who has been no more effective than the old one in preventing a transit meltdown; and his school board chief, amidst stalled reforms, is talking nonsense about how soon the city's schools could be the nation's best.

The City That Manages.

Bloomberg Time
"New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 homicides this year, by far the lowest number in a 12-month period since reliable Police Department statistics became available in 1963," the New York Times reported last Friday.

Daley will hold a press conference tomorrow taking credit.

Tough Stance
The Sun-Times editorial board came out today against planting pepper spray in other beauty contestants' gowns.

Thanks for the guidance. I was on the fence before I read this.

Us and Them
The Sun-Times editorial board counted our blessings on Thanksgiving.

* "The jobless rate is still holding at a comfortable 4.7 percent."

Yes, that feels quite comfortable. Unless you're one of the 7.2 million people without a job.

* "Even during these troublesome economic times, Chicagoans are able to buy new cars and homes because of the city's diverse economy."

Unless you are among the one in five Chicagoans living in poverty.

* "Most people are not planning to retire anytime soon."

A) They never are!
B) They can't afford to.
C) Huh?

* "Either [elected officials] will fix the [transit] system, finding a permanent funding source, or voters will kick them out come the next election. It's up to you."

A) Because voters always kick out incompetent pols.
B) Ooh, Rich Daley and Mike Madigan and Emil Jones are really scared!
C) It's up to you. Don't look at us.

* "Sure, we're enjoying warmer temperatures because of the looming disaster that is global warming, but our politicians are working to fix that."

A) Where? At some top secret summit on Mars?
B) And if they don't, voters will kick them out come the first election after the ice caps melt!
C) So smoke up, Johnny. It was a banner fucking year at the Bender family.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Oprah's favorite. Really.

Posted by Lou at 09:03 AM | Permalink

Meet the Hawkies!

"I have pages of ideas that Rocky hasn't seen yet."
- Ace Cubs marketer John McDonough upon being hired by new Blackhawks chairman Rocky Wirtz

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To sound more adorable, the team will now be known as the Hawkies.

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Ivy painted on the boards.

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Team opens different United Center doors from game to game to for "the puck is blowing out/in" effect.

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Midgets hired to work in new antiquated scoreboard.

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Season tickets comped to Jim Belushi.

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Steve Goodman's little-known "Go Hawks Go!" resurrected.

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New chant: "Left wing sucks!" "Right wing sucks!"

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Discovery of curse put on franchise when an actual Blackhawk Indian was refused admission to a game.

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Scouts?

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Celebrity Zamboni drivers.

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New business created to "scalp" premium Blackhawk tickets.

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All ushers must now be over 70.

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Ron Santo annually refused admission to Hockey Hall of Fame.

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Home games will not only be televised, they'll be played in Chicago Park District rinks. Call to schedule a game in your neighborhood.

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George Ryan will serve out remainder of prison term in a secure United Center skybox.

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Michael Barrett Bobblehead Night!

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New right wing: Sammy Sosa.

Posted by Lou at 12:12 AM | Permalink

November 26, 2007

The [Monday] Papers

1. "Hester is all that the Bears are," writes Rocky Mountain News great Bernie Lincicome, late of the Chicago Tribune.

"Fool the Broncos once, shame on them. Fool the Broncos twice, and the next bit of shame is an overtime loss to a team that is several parts lint and the rest roadkill."

2. Devin Hester may be ridiculous, but for one play Bernard Berrian was ludicrous. Unfortunately, for the whole game "analyst" Dan Dierdorf was preposterous.

So says our very own Jim Coffman in Bear Monday, the city's best Bear round-up.

3. No quarterback who fumbles as much as Rex Grossman should be allowed to ever take another snap in the NFL again.

4. The greatest mayor in Chicago history?

I'd take him over either Daley in a heartbeat. And who else is there, really?

5. "When the baby Jesus was stolen for the first time from the Nativity scene at Daley Plaza in 1999, an anonymous tipster directed police to the figure, which had been stashed in a locker at Union Station," the Tribune reports.

"In 2004, the Christ child was stolen again, this time by a 19-year-old student at the Art Institute of Chicago who was caught a few blocks from the plaza and charged with misdemeanor theft.

"On Saturday morning, while volunteers known as the 'God Squad' constructed the lifesize Nativity scene, a black cable in a cardboard box was a reminder of the heightened security concerns surrounding the baby Jesus.

"Since the thefts, organizers have wrapped the cable around the figure's waist, bolted it to the manger floor and covered it with hay."

And I will lose my faith in humanity if that prevents the baby Jesus from getting stolen again.

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Theological question: Can the baby Jesus create a cable strong enough to prevent his own theft?

6. "Sometimes I wish that those who ridicule us for faith would acknowledge from time to time that their views may also be shaped by an equally fervent faith - the belief in modern scientific progress as the means to solve the world's problems," John Kass wrote on Sunday.

Sometimes I wish people of faith would explain why they feel they are under unremitting attacks when it is the agnostic and atheist with no place in this country; a presidential candidate who does not believe is unspeakable and the news is filled with credulous accounts of saints returning to Earth in the form of burnt toast and water stains under freeway overpasses. We even have a president whose claims of talking to God go unchallenged when the Lord's advice is so obviously off.

Oh wait . . . sorry about that, I took a minute to share the moment of silence now required by law of Illinois's schoolchildren.

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Somehow I don't think the baby Jesus wants to be held captive by a black cable tied around His waist. Run, baby Jesus, run!

7. "Twice each year the migratory birds of the world make a voyage that, until recently, seemed like an inexplicable miracle," the Tribune reports.

"Now evidence is trickling in to support an explanation no less miraculous: Birds may literally be able to see magnetic fields."

8. "Ann Sather's closing is not good for the community," Ald. Tom Tunney tells the Sun-Times, which dutifully wrote up his press release. "We decided we will recommit a brand new Ann Sather's there [on Belmont]."

The paper must have forgotten that Tunney promised to sell the restaurant when he first ran for the city council to avoid the inevitable conflicts of interest.

"With the deal," the paper did note with glee, "Tunney makes some coin - $2.2 million - helps with economic development in his ward and keeps an icon in business."

All hail Tom Tunney! Moving Chicago forward.

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Even while talking on the phone.

9. Michael Miner says it so I don't have to.

10. It's not just that aldermen don't understand the budget. It's that reporters don't. I find that even more maddening.

11. Sun-Times front pages you may have missed over the long holiday weekend:

* "Drew Peterson Plagiarized H.S. Paper From Encyclopedia!"

* "Stacey's Cat Said It Would Look Like An Accident!"

* "Body Language Expert Says Stacy's Body Is Missing!"

* "Psychic Locates Sun-Times's Integrity At Bottom Of River!"

* "Drew Peterson Medallions! Collect Them All."

* "Officials Say Peterson Case Won't Affect Olympic Bid."

12. What the presidential candidates really did in Vegas.

13. How the Mob, Peter Frampton and Sharon Osbourne's daddy sucked the life out of The Small Faces and Humble Pie, in a cautionary tale illustrating why the death of the record industry couldn't come soon enough.

14. The best Thanksgiving poem published in the world this year.

15. "Devin Hester will appear at the Jewel-Osco store at 6509 W. Grand Ave., Gurnee, from 6-7 p.m. Monday in support of the 19th annual Chicago Bears/Jewel-Osco coat drive," the Fred Mitchell notes in the Trib today. "Fans can meet Hester in exchange for donating a coat. Winter coats may also be dropped off at any of the 185 Jewel-Osco stores throughout Chicagoland through Jan. 4."

The Beachwood Tip Line: Be the news.

Posted by Lou at 07:46 AM | Permalink

Bear Monday: Hester Heaven

After Devin Hester's first attempted punt return Sunday - when No. 23 not only erred egregiously by swatting at the ball and knocking it down but then didn't even dive in to try to get it back - somewhere an insightful fan cried out "Devin, that was such a bad play, you're going to have to run back two just to make up for it." As it was foreseen, so was the Ridiculous One redeemed.

Then this year's Bears reasserted themselves. Shortly after Hester had made it 11 special teams touchdowns in just over a season and a half (the career record is 13), they still found a way to trail by two more touchdowns. But then they trailed by only one. And then Bernard Berrian's (wait, we need a new word here - how about) ludicrous last-minute fourth-down catch tied it up. Soon Desmond Clark was running free through the secondary and Adrian Peterson was again pounding away like a battering ram and Patrick Mannelly's snap was perfect as was Brad Maynard's hold and Robbie Gould's overtime kick. Wow.

On to the highlights . . . and a lowlight or two, or eight.

* Early on longtime analyst Dan Dierdorf notes the Bears offensive line has "a combined 44 years of experience." It apparently hasn't occurred to the old offensive lineman that maybe that number is a bit too high (and it doesn't even include 13-year veteran Ruben Brown, who started the first half of the season before a season-ending injury).

Out comes the defense and Dierdorf can quickly be heard praising the linebackers. He is so enamored of their abilities that I have a hard time believing he could have possibly watched their game with Seattle the week before, let alone a season's worth of ugly performances against offenses great and small.

* Later on Mr. Dierdorf (he was, after all, a member of many memorably vicious St. Louis Cardinal offensive lines) referred to an on-field occurrence as a "happenchance." The more I think about it as the game goes on, the more I think "happenchance" should be a word.

* Before the half ends, Peanut Tillman reminds us why the Bears found a way to sign him to a big contract extension in the off-season when he breaks up two passes in the same series in the end zone. Perhaps he should have intercepted the second one but, hey, the guy is making plays. And something tells us he's going to make more.

* The second half begins and Hester explodes. How classic was it that Todd Sauerbrun - Todd Sauerbrun! - was the one who blithely commented early last week that his Broncos and he in particular would not hesitate to kick the ball right to the greatest returner in the history of football. His comments really weren't a big deal - going into the game. Raiders coach Lane Kiffin said the same thing before his team played the Bears two weeks ago. But the Raiders shut Hester down.

Now Sauerbrun's comments will be grist for all sorts of "that jerk got his" commentary. Sauerbrun has had quite a career. He might very well have been the greatest-ever punting prospect when he left West Virginia, leading the Bears to spend an unheard-of second-round pick on him in the mid-90s. And he wasn't exactly shy about his achievements, meaning he has never been exactly popular with his teammates.

Sauerbrun had the misfortune of breaking into the NFL with Dave Wannstedt as his head coach and Keith Armstrong as his special teams assistant. Those guys were big on punting the ball high and not-so-far in order to avoid "out-kicking the coverage." Not surprisingly, Sauerbrun wasn't a big fan of that strategy, which was always such a stupid concept and now seems thoroughly discredited. After Sauerbrun got away from Wannstedt and Armstrong he led the league in punting three times in Carolina. He also was involved in all sorts of controversies, including ties to a steroid ring, a suspension for testing positive for ephedra, and an attempt to force management to refund money he had paid in fines for being overweight in exchange for his doing the placekicking in addition to punting after a fellow kicker got hurt.

On Sunday Sauerbrun didn't just serve up a couple of beautifully returnable kicks, of course, he also had his final punt blocked. (By Peanut! Who also had a huge pick!) That was after Rex Grossman's second fumble (the first was infuriating - the defender didn't touch the ball but Rex started to try to stretch it out away from his body in a futile attempt to gain an extra foot, lost control and then kicked it away from himself) seemed to drive a big nail in the coffin.

* The Broncos scored touchdowns on four consecutive possessions in the third and fourth quarters. They did so despite not converting a third down until less than 30 seconds remained in the third. Then again, you don't have to convert third downs if you keep converting second downs. It added up to another second-half defensive meltdown for the Bears in a season filled with them. A similar second-half meltdown wasn't as noticeable last week against Seattle just because the Bears defense had melted down in the first half as well.

* Other sights seen: Rashied Davis catching dropsy disease from Muhsin Muhammad (he now seems to be a permanent carrier); Denver safety Hamza Abdullah executing a high-flying, old-fashioned heel click after the replay official ruled he had indeed caused Grossman's first fumble and then recovered it; all three defensive ends (Mark Anderson, Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye) fooled by that counter-pitch play to Andre Hall before Anderson finally said enough is enough a recorded a big, late tackle-for-loss; Brandon Stokley jitterbugging on the sideline for the clutch first down that kicks off a drive featuring Adam Archuleta failing to even execute pass interference well on a 40-yard completion to tight end Tony Sheffler. Sheffler soon makes his circus catch in the end zone (making it 34-20) and anyone who thought the Bears still had a chance at that point is a better fan than I.

* Late in the game, in a review of big plays that had eventually added up to overtime, polished play-by-play guy and South Side native Greg Gumbel notes "Other than that, not much has happened."

* In the end, after Gould's kick does indeed split the uprights, Lovie is shown carefully removing his headset before beginning to walk toward the middle of the field. He is perfectly stoic until he allows himself the smallest of grins. I'm not sure if the corners off his mouth are actually turned even the slightest bit up but there is a twinkle in his eyes.

* In the aftermath it must be noted (and I began to note it last week) that the 5-6 Bears are now all of a game out of the final playoff spot in the NFC. They are actually further back than that because they've already lost twice to the Lions (6-5), who despite a three-game losing streak still - I love saying this - control their own destiny. If the boys from Detroit win out they will make the playoffs.

Then again, if the Bears beat the Giants on Sunday (don't get too excited of course - in order to do so they will have to win two in a row for the first time this season), they will trail the G-men (7-4) by all of game (for the first wildcard spot) and will have the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Clearly the only thing to do is to keep the faith. Through Devin, all things are possible.

*

Jim Coffman brings you Bear Monday every . . . Monday.

Posted by Lou at 02:47 AM | Permalink

Connie's Corner: Out Stealing Horses

Out Stealing Horses: A Novel
By Per Petterson

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"Are you coming?" he said. "We're going out stealing horses."

Trond and his friend Jon start out on a sunny morning in 1948 for one of their usual summer adventures in a small and isolated farming community in northern Norway, near the border with Sweden. "Stealing" meant going for a wild ride, bareback, on some neighbor's horses without permission. Petterson takes you with Trond; you leave safe and its twin, sound, and you have landed . . .

". . . on the horse's back, a bit too close to his neck, and his shoulder bones
Hit me in the crotch and sent a jet of nausea up into my throat . . . I heard Jon yell 'Yahoo' behind me and I felt like yelling too, bit I couldn't do it, my mouth was so full of sick that I couldn't breathe . . .

"There was a rushing sound, and the hoof beats died down, and the horse's back drummed through my body like the beating of my heart, and then there was a sudden silence around me that spread over everything, and through the silence I heard the birds. I distinctly heard the blackbird from the top of a spruce tree, and clear as glass . . .

"I heard the lark high up and several other birds whose song I did not know, and it was so weird, it was like a film without sound with another sound added, I was in two places at once, and nothing hurt."

This ride ended at a barbed-wire fence with the result of a very sore Trond.

Again and again Petterson, in this year's Out Stealing Horses' English language debut, makes you breathe Trond's breath and uses his blood for your own. This is a coming-of-age story: A 15-year old and his father spend a summer rural Norway, leaving a mother and a sister in Oslo so they can harvest the timber on the farm the father had bought. The father-and-son relationship seems one that can only be called classically great - one that is strong without being controlling, one that is tender without being cloying. Above all, it seems to be a very nurturing one.

After the horse adventure, Jon behaves very strangely. He abruptly abandons Trond, leaving him aching and very cold to walk home alone. Trond finally arrives at his father's cabin and this is the sight he sees:

"The sky was darker now than it usually was at night. My father had lit the paraffin lamp in the cabin, there was a warm and yellow light in the windows, and the grey smoke swirled up from the chimney and was immediately beaten down by the wind, and water and smoke ran down the slates on a blend that looked like a grey porridge. What a weird sight . . . "

What a symbol for the soft enclosure of a warm and safe love.

A modern-day parallel story runs alongside the 1948 scenes. Trond, now 70 years old, has purchased the farm and retired there - a widower with a grown daughter who lives in a distant town. His only companion is his dog, Lyra, whom he takes for daily walks. He meets his nearest neighbor and discovers that the neighbor, Lars, is the brother of Jon - a brother who survived a tragedy that happened to Jon's family on that long-ago day while he and Jon were "out stealing horses."

Slowly we learn why Lars is the last person Trond would ever want to see. Slowly Trond's father (who is never named) is revealed as a man who had a secret life during the war. To him, "out stealing horses" stood for his activity as an undercover agent who smuggled refugees out of Norway and hid them in the very small town where Trond spent the summer helping his father harvest lumber to send downstream to a Swedish mill. Slowly we understand how this summer came to be a turning point in the life of a 15-year-old who wanted, above all, to be like his father.

Petterson uses the rhythm of the work done that summer - haying and logging - to play, like an ancient Gregorian chant, a hymn to nature and to the means of interweaving of a bond between father and son. The apex of the melding comes when Trond and his father follow the cut lumber down the River Glama into Sweden. There they come upon a logjam and Trond leaps onto the pile to find the trouble:

. . . my father called from the bank:
What are you doing out there?
I'm flying! I shouted back.
When did you learn to do that? he shouted.
When you weren't looking, I called and laughed . . .

When Trond finally loosened the jam, his father says, "Goddamn it, that was not bad." Praise indeed.

But it takes the retired, modern-day Trond to learn the real lesson of that summer and its aftermath. He saws a large spruce tree, fallen in a storm, and reacquaints himself with the song of labor as his body vibrates with the energy of a chainsaw. His ghost from the past, Lars, helps him even though Trond thinks he doesn't want to accept the favor because it brings back past anguish.

But Trond finally does accept the last lesson his father taught him: The older man had given him the task of pulling up some nettles that were too close to the cabin. When Trond delays, his father asks him why.

"'It will hurt,' I said. Then he looked at me with half a smile and a little shake of his head. 'You will decide for yourself when it will hurt . . . ' He walked over to the nettles and began to pull them up with perfect calm, one after the other, throwing them into a heap, and he did not stop before he had pulled them all up . . . "

A simple lesson . . . but oh, so hard to learn.

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Previously in Connie's Corner:
* "Heavier Than Air." Nona Caspers creates a tapestry of small towns and chronicles the lives of people living there who have a hard time coming down to earth.
* "Pale Fire." Nabokov creates a novel that doesn't seem to have coherent plot but a story that contains a do-it-yourself kit.

Posted by Don at 12:50 AM | Permalink

The Steve Marriott Saga: How the Mob, Peter Frampton and Daddy Osbourne Snuffed Out The Small Faces and Humble Pie

The other day I was listening to a great old album on WREK-FM, one of our better non-commercial, student-run stations, from Georgia Tech in Atlanta. The program was Stonehenge, WREK's weekly "deep tracks" classic rock show, and the album was Humble Pie's first effort, 1969's "As Safe As Yesterday Is." It was so good, it got me wondering, why didn't Steve Marriott ever become the ultra-special hyperstar he should have been? What happened to him in the years between Humble Pie's break-up in 1975 and his premature, accidental death in a 1991 house fire?

In my resulting research, there was a non-surprise: Marriott was totally besotted by cocaine and booze, which eventually led to an induced mental illness. But there was also something else that I wasn't aware of. In the long, ignoble history of musicians being ripped off by unscrupulous, power-mad managers, Marriott had to take the cake. He never realized any kind of financial gain from his fabulous output of talent. Sandwiched around one visionary but unsuccessful handler (the Rolling Stones' Andrew Loog Oldham) were two other, uh, less-than-saintly guys, including Sharon Osbourne's daddy.

The career of Don Arden, Sharon's father, is a fascinating, cautionary tale of how the music business and what amounts to organized crime are really just two sides of the same coin, and he's maybe one of the all-time poster boys for "reasons this industry should be destroyed." He died earlier this year at age 81. Arden was known as "Mr. Big" and the "Al Capone of Pop," using all kinds of extra-legal means to get his acts airplay, including the threat - and actual use of - violence, both against clients who dared to question his accounting methods as well as outsiders. His first big success was Marriott's band The Small Faces. Teenager Steve never had any idea where the money went all those years while he was following his heart, writing some of the best songs of the British Invasion era. Truly, it was a classic case of the victimized artist.

(Arden is probably best known for his mid-70s success in managing Electric Light Orchestra, as well as an incident in 1979 when he set his dogs on daughter Sharon, who had incurred his displeasure by muscling in on his management contract with her future husband, Ozzy Osbourne. The dog attack resulted in a miscarriage for Sharon.)

Arden sold The Small Faces' contract to Oldham in 1967, who in turn used them as a key cog in his attempt to launch one of Britian's first indie labels, Immediate Records, after he had basically invented the Stones as their first manager. It turned out Oldham was a much better Carnaby Street gadabout than he was a competent businessman, however, so despite The Small Faces scoring their biggest-ever successes on Immediate - such as Itchycoo Park, one of the best British invasion singles ever - again, Marriott never saw a dime.

Then, after he formed Humble Pie with Peter Frampton, Marriott hooked up with Dee Anthony, one of the most important and powerful American rock managers. Anthony was indeed successful in getting the band a contract with A&M Records, and was the one who encouraged them to go the hard boogie, arena-rock route, a sound that turned them into one of the best live bands around and eventually yielded the hit "Thirty Days In The Hole." (Anthony later used the same formula for Frampton and his Comes Alive! album.) But, like a broken record, millions of dollars of royalties disappeared. Marriott, who was so poor he had been reduced to stealing food, thought Anthony had diverted the considerable Humble Pie royalties to push a now-solo Frampton, and demanded that Anthony tell him where the money was. At that point, Marriott was taken into a meeting that included John Gotti, Paul Castellano and other members of the Gambino crime family, at least according to Marriott's official biography, All Too Beautiful. That ended his impertinent money questions.

In addition to his borderline mental illness and his never-really-conquered substance abuse (he died from smoke inhalation in a fire caused when he passed out and dropped a lit cigarette), Marriott's nightmarish experiences with the record industry were a big reason he never tried to make a comeback in the 1980's, when, after all, he was still only in his 30's. While other British Invasion-era stars were reveling in a second wave of adulation from a new generation of admirers - and perhaps making up for how completely they were ripped off the first time around and in many cases curing their "overlooked" status - Marriott never did. He was so wary of record companies that he preferred to play the rest of his career in small English pubs and acoustic venues, where the pariahs of the industry would leave him alone. He chose penury and obscurity rather than than sell out to a corrupt music biz machine. That makes him a hero in my book.

And, unfortunately, that's also why he's more or less a footnote nowadays despite being one of the key talents of the rock era. It makes you wonder if his drug and personal problems were fueled by his shabby treatment as an artist. Whether or not that's true, I think anyone who ever wants to make a case for why major labels and the gigantic corporations that now control them are poor stewards of our civilization's precious musical heritage need only look at the horrible fate of Steve Marriott to see why the demise of the record industry can't come fast enough.

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See the Root Cellar collection.

Posted by Don at 12:23 AM | Permalink

And Then There's Maude: Episode 10

Our tribute to the 35th anniversary of the debut of Maude continues.

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Season 1, Episode 10
Episode Title: Maude's Dilemma (Part 2)

Original airdate: 21 November 1972

Plot: The episode begins with a voiceover welcoming us back to Part 2 of "Maude's Dilemma." It's the day after and Maude has just woken up from a restless night of baby-filled nightmares. What's more, she has a nasty cold on top of her morning sickness.

Over a couple of cups of black coffee, daughter Carol reiterates that Maude shouldn't feel guilty or afraid to consider not having the baby. (". . . for you to have a baby at your age [47] could be very risky!") Maude tells Carol that after a lot of soul searching, she's decided to have the baby. She's convinced she knows her husband and this is what Walter really wants. Not that they've actually talked about it. No, given this very important decision, Walter and Maude instead have had a series of vague "I want what you want" conversations.

The doorbell rings. It's Phillip's carpool to school. Today, the carpool happens to be driven by Lorraine Cochran, another forty-something mother-to-be. "We had planned at stopping at four," she says. When Carol asks why they didn't, Lorraine responds, "Oh, I couldn't do that . . . I don't think it's right for me to make that kind of a decision. Besides, what's one more kid?"

When Lorraine makes a quick run to the "powder room," she asks Maude to keep an eye on her kids in the car, which Maude does by yelling at them from her doorway. ("Jimmy, stop honking the horn. Look I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to come out there and rip your little heart out!") Ah yes, pregnancy has really brought out Maude's nurturing, maternal side.

Before Walter rushes out the door for his golf date with Arthur, he and Maude have yet another roundabout exchange:

Walter: "I want whatever you want. "

Maude: "And I want what you want, Walter"

Walter: "Then it's settled, because I trust you to know what I want."

Well, that's all settled then.

Walter tells Maude she won't have to worry about this situation ever happening again. His best pal Arthur spoke to a doctor colleague and arranged for Walter "to get a vasectomy after golf." (Maude: "Vasectomy after golf? It sounds like a new play by Noel Coward.")

In between their golf game and the vasectomy, Walter and Arthur share a couple of stiff drinks in a bar. (Apparently doctor's pre-op instructions don't mention anything about alcohol intake.) Walter's convinced he knows Maude and that she wants the baby. He also wonders if she's worried about the decision on moral grounds and he doesn't want to interfere - any more than he already has!

Arthur cheerfully reminds Walter that he doesn't have much time before he "goes under the knife." Discussion about the surgery strangely segues into a conversation about germs, sexually transmitted diseases, and strange bathroom practices. Walter is concerned about the effect the vasectomy will have on his virility, so to prove he has nothing to worry about, Arthur calls over a mutual friend and asks, "Hey Harry, how do you like your vasectomy?"

Harry assures Walter that it was the best thing he ever did. ("Helps my wife too. She's like a kid again!") Arthur says it's time for him to go and Walter says he'll be getting over to the doctor's office as soon as he finishes his second bourbon. Arthur wishes him lots of luck and flashes the V for Victory sign with a parting "V for vasectomy!" Walter promptly calls the doctor's office and cancels the procedure.

That night, Maude takes special care of Walter, thinking he's had a rough day playing 18 holes of golf, getting a vasectomy, and working late. Over a game of gin rummy, Maude tells Walter she's decided to have the baby. After he wins a few quick games, it finally comes out that neither of them wants to have the baby, to their mutual relief. It also comes out that Walter didn't have the vasectomy. On a serious note, Walter and Maude agree that for them, "in the privacy of (their) own lives," they're doing the right thing.

Hot button social issue: His and hers - vasectomy and abortion.

Fashion statement: When Carol goes upstairs to change clothes, she seems to time-travel back to 1910. She comes down wearing a floor-length dress in an argyle pattern, with huge white collar and cuffs, and a giant cameo at the neck. However, the Carol Brady hairstyle locks her into the 1970s.

Neckerchief count: Three - worn by Maude, Arthur, and Harry. Once again, Arthur is matching Maude scarf for scarf. What duffer doesn't look sharp on the green sporting a neckerchief, right?

Cocktail hour: Arthur and Walter throw a few back in the bar in the hour leading up to Walter's "snip snip" vasectomy.

Number of times Maude yells: Just once! She almost makes it through a complete episode without shouting, until five minutes from the end when Walter beats her at gin rummy three times in a row during their final heart-to-heart conversation about the pregnancy.

'70s slang: "Congratulations, I hear you're preggie!"

Memorable quote: Arthur: "Do you wanna know what I do in public restrooms?" (Wait for it. Wait for it.) "Get ready. I flush with my foot."

Keep an eye out for: Veteran character actor Robert Mandan as Harry, the satisfied vasectomy customer. Among his many credits, he's probably best remembered as Chester Tate on Soap.

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Previously:
Season 1, Episode 1: Maude's Problem.
Season 1, Episode 2: Doctor, Doctor.
Season 1, Episode 3: Maude Meets Florida.
Season 1, Episode 4: Like Mother, Like Daughter.
Season 1, Episode 5: Maude and the Radical.
Season 1, Episode 6: The Ticket.
Season 1, Episode 7: Love and Marriage.
Season 1, Episode 8: Flashback.
Season 1, Episode 9: Maude's Dilemma (Part One).

Posted by Lou at 12:04 AM | Permalink

November 24, 2007

Chicagoetry: The Heart Is A Lonely Fucker

THE HEART IS A LONELY FUCKER

Like a Prairie Falcon landing on my breast,
the God inside me clenches, and your face comes
to me.

You have landed, again a waking dream. As in a dream,
setting constantly transmogrifies, details, red-tails fly
at whim.

You are a solid, silent earthquake. As in a dream,
setting constantly breaks apart. I crawl, clutching
grass.

My glass breast cracks. Tonight you shall fly across
the universe, and I will miss you, miss you, miss
you.

The Jack-o-Lantern moon grins falsely a-skim the glass
lake. This black beach is autumn night which lands
bleakly.

This silent tongue, the lake, laps the crystalline wind,
the dim, gold aura of moon crawls obliquely from the
horizon,

hissing light.

-

J. J. Tindall is the Beachwood's poet-in-residence. He can reached at jjtindall@yahoo.com. Chicagoetry is an exclusive Beachwood collection-in-progress.

Posted by Lou at 07:19 AM | Permalink

November 23, 2007

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

My first job out of college: Drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the state of Wisconsin. Talk about an uphill battle. It's probably easier to be a dictation coach for W. In the course of talking with those in the system, we'd state that it's important to replace the behaviors associated with using drugs and alcohol with new behaviors. Here's the problem: Gardening and stamp collecting failed to hold the excitement of those who did things like break into houses or start bar fights.

This advice does work, though, for a fan base hitting rock bottom. Here are the most common Kool-Aid Nation behaviors, and recommended replacement behaviors.

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Current Behavior: Yelling at the TV.
Replacement Behavior: Redirect anger to your dysfunctional family.

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Current Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Bears column written by local sportswriters.
Replacement Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Cubs column written by local sportswriters.

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Current Behavior: Turning to ESPN a dozen times a day.
Replacement Behavior: Turning to Greta Van Susteren a dozen times a day as you use the Drew Peterson story as a diversion.

*

Current Behavior: Drinking beer.
Replacement Behavior: Drinking actual Kool-Aid.

*

Current Behavior: Eating junk food.
Replacement Behavior: Shooting junk.

*

Current Behavior: Sporting the Blue and Orange.
Replacement Behavior: Sporting the Black and Tan.

*

Current Behavior: Supporting a loser.
Replacement Behavior: Moving to Green Bay.

-

Broncos at Bears
Storyline: The Bears start one of two ineffective quarterbacks. The Broncos start an ineffective run defense. CBS starts two ineffective announcers.
Reality: Fans watching the game exhibit ineffective time management skills.
Pick: (Due to holiday travel, I needed to write this early. There is no line on this game. I take Denver and the Under.)

*

Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 15%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: <1%

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 03:30 AM | Permalink

November 21, 2007

The [Thanksgiving] Papers

A Thanksgiving Poem for Children on the Subject of Gluttony

A chef named Mabel Ann Marie
Set out to punish gluttony.
She studied with chefs from Paree to Peru.
She published some cookbooks and articles, too.
But her recipes granted cooks no peace of mind
For each basic ingredient was too hard to find.
Even impulsive cooks, brave and quixotic
Were impeded by formulas far too exotic.
Why, not even Whole Foods carries fresh praying mantis
Or pink tricorne beets from shores of Atlantis!
Soon a nice home-cooked meal was shameful affair
And that folly made Mabel a rich millionaire.
When at last she was hosting her own TV show
She decided to see just how far she could go.
She thought "If these gluttons do think it profound
To eat elegant oddments not easily found,
I wonder to what length these gluttons will go?"
Then she thought up a plan she'd announce on her show.
She announced it flamboyantly - without delay -
That she'd open a new fangled foodie buffet.
Where the wealthy could sample her gourmet treasures
And indulge in untrammeled abdominal pleasures.

*

So every gourmand, every connoisseur,
Every stuffer and gorger and epicure,
The well-heeled rich and the bon vivants,
The affluent in-crowd and chic débutantes,
The pedigreed snobs and privileged beauties,
The créme de la créme of the upper class foodies,
They came from all over with great expectations
To eat up her new-fashioned food combinations.
They entered the restaurant ready to feast
And Mabel Ann welcomed each slovenly beast.
"It's taken me years - at least sixteen -
To invent this fabulous new cuisine.
But a warning to you before you taste,
Before you start stuffing your faces in haste,
These wonderful dishes - superb and expensive -
Will seem putrid and fetid and highly offensive
To those whose palettes are unrefined,
To those who have never urbanely dined,
Only those with low breeding, upon reflection,
Would reject my new gastric fantastic collection!
But that can't happen here," Mabel giggled with glee,
"So En Guete, and Mahlzeit, and Bon Appétit!"

*

Then out came serving trays replete
With things no one should ever eat.
Arranged on spiced volcanic rock
Were dark blue cubes of pool cue chalk
And resting in each dimple sat
A globule of shining fat.
The couple who asked for something rare
Were given eggrolls filled with hair
And Dutch Boy sauce on old fish fins.
The latex paint ran down their chins.
And the cancerous yolks of Fabergé eggs
were whipped into soufflés with centipede legs.
And buttercream-frosted urinal cakes
were drizzled with fluid from anti-lock brakes.
For dessert they ate sand from North Pismo Beach
And they washed it all down with unscented bleach.

*

And when at last the feasting was done
The diners were sluggish; their belts were undone.
A giggle was heard from the back of the house.
It was tiny and wee, like the squeak of a mouse
But it gathered momentum and soon it became
An ear-splitting howl of taunting and blame.
"You rich, spoiled halfwits! You overstuffed jerks!"
Mabel Ann started scolding, "You've eaten the works!"
"Not a morsel remains, the plates are licked clean
From the first to the last course and each in between!
You were so busy proving how stylish you are
That you've gobbled up things that were just plain bizarre
You're shallow and petty - it's plainly incredible -
The things that I fed you were not even edible!
You'll eat any old junk if the price tag's colossal.
You're all soft-minded sheep - moronic and docile!"

*

They panicked somewhat after hearing her speech.
One diner whispered, "I drank some bleach."
Their jaws went slack and hung in shock.
One said, "I ate that pool cue chalk."
Each diner, now filled with both toxins and shame,
Searched his soul that dark night wond'ring who was to blame.
Then one hulking man brushed the crumbs from his vest,
Stood up from his chair, put his hands on his chest,
And broke the silence with an impromptu speech.
"I am filled with respect from my head to my breech!
You don't realize how wondrous your food is - it's thrilling!
But I cannot deny that it's not very filling.
I know everyone's tired, and it is rather late,
But I know I have room left for just one more plate.
But first, I'll give thanks in my own special way
To the person who fed me these foodstuffs today."
The man lumbered over to our Ann Marie
Who looked at them all unrepentantly.
He held out his paw as a show of good will
But when they shook hands in a voice very shrill
Mabel Ann shrieked "Ow! Ow! You're hurting my arm!"
But he didn't stop shaking. "No cause for alarm
My dear Mabel Ann," said the big hulking bloke.
We'd just like to salute your sly practical joke."
One more diner came up to the front of the shop
And he shook Mabel's hand and he just wouldn't stop.
Another one followed, and another one still.
They each grabbed a part of our Mabel until
Each diner, it seemed, was shaking a limb.
And it's here, I'm afraid, that our story turns grim.

*

With a mighty "Heave-ho" and a "one-two-three!"
They threw her in the rotisserie.
And they closed the big door of the oven up tight
And they roasted her flesh for the rest of the night.
At first there were screams and then there were none -
Just the smell of the meat as the roasting was done.
They lifted their glasses and praised what they'd cooked.
And they celebrated how delicious it looked.
And the tender meat simply fell off the bone
Of the wonderful Mabel Ann Bœuf bourguignon.
On their deathbeds those diners were heard to confess,
'Twas their favorite meal ever - a total success.

*

From this tale of Mabel Ann Marie -
Unkindly devoured by the bourgeoisie -
My darling children, you should sense
The price one pays for intemperance.
The pleasures of the flesh are fleeting
So exercise restraint when eating.
Now put on your jammies and get into bed
And dream about grapefruit and whole grain bread.
In the end you'll be thin - some may even say gaunt -
But you won't eat the chef of a fine restaurant.

Posted by Lou at 05:26 PM | Permalink

Over/Under

Every week, half the nation's football fans work through the classic stages of grief. Here's what it sounds like.

*

Grief Stage: Denial
What It Sounds Like: This is not happening. There's still time left. If we score and recover an onside kick, we'll only need one more touchdown and a two-point conversion. Then we'll only be down by 10.

Grief Stage: Anger
What It Sounds Like: You suck!

Grief Stage: Bargaining
What It Sounds Like: I know I said I'd have it for you today, but I need a little more time. Just a couple days. Really. Ow! Why'd you have to go and do that? You know I'm good for the money. I just have to move some things around. Ow!

Grief Stage: Depression
What It Sounds Like: Honey, have you seen my noose?

Grief Stage: Acceptance
What It Sounds Like: Rex Grossman is our quarterback.

*

OverHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Lions
Storyline: Big division showdown can put the Lions right back in it.
Reality: The only thing that can stop Brett Favre is one more Wrangler commercial.
Pick: Green Bay Minus 3 Points, Under 48.5 Points.

*

UnderHyped Game of the Week: Texans at Browns
Storyline: Both teams are playing much better on offense due to improved play from their quarterbacks.
Reality: And yet, their defenses stink. But the Texans' defense is a little better, and they land the upset.
Pick: Houston Plus 3.5 Points, Over 50.5 Points Scored.

*

Results
Last week: 3-3 (1-2 Against the Spread, 2-1 Over/Under)
Season: 28-36 (11-21 Against the Spread, 17-15 Over/Under)

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 05:08 AM | Permalink

November 20, 2007

The [Tuesday] Papers

First things first. What did I mean yesterday when I said Avril Lavigne was, in a way, like the Replacements? Many readers want to know.

Certainly I don't mean in any musical sense or importance in the rock pantheon. The Replacements are my favorite band of all-time, and once I tried to make the argument (not badly, either) that they were a better band than the Beatles.

Avril Lavigne is hardly in that league. In fact, I hate that producer pop pablum genre in which she works.

But.

One thing that made the Replacements special was the ability of young punks (bassist Tommy Stinson was just 12 - or 13 or 14; sources vary - when the band started) to express themselves so articulately within the vernacular of their time and place, like teenagers who had been given full access to their vocabularies and emotional life. They were able to say - and sound - the way the rest of us were feeling.

And not just in a teenage sense. When I listen to those early Replacements records today, the expressions are still as valid as they were 20 years ago. "Unsatisfied" is true as ever, isn't it? ("Liberty is a lie.") And you wanna know what? "I'm a customerrrrrrr!"

Avril Lavigne is like that though she lives in a very different time and place - one hardly worthy of the Replacements' world. Yet, she is an embodiment of a particular kind of girl, or young woman, and mindset not just in her songs and not even just in her songs and fashion sense, but her stage manner. Each gesture is right out of Central Casting but she doesn't have to try. It's just who she is.

So there's actually an authenticity to Avril Lavigne; the authenticity of squirrelly pink Hot Topic pop produced music star, but an authenticity nonetheless. Contrast that to Britney Spears, who was never anything but a made-up doll with no real identity of her own except that of a small-town Louisiana girl with exceedingly bad taste abused by the record industry.

The Replacements were the Replacements. Perfectly. And that's who Avril Lavigne is too. She is that certain kind of girl. She and Paul Westerberg may have even dated had they gone to high school together; I don't think he could have handled a Detroit Cobra.

*

Maybe what I'm saying is that she's an authentic young voice - or perfect plastic replica thereof, which in her case still wouldn't be inauthentic. The fact that she's not my kind of voice is beside the point.

Identity Crisis
Who is the Sun-Times?

A befuddled person with an identity crisis.

Multiple Personality Disorder
Jennifer Hunter is now using the third full-length photo of the year to accompany her column. Unfortunately, no matter which photo she uses she still sucks.

You can't change your inside by changing your outside!

Bail Bonds Man
University of Chicago sports economist Allen R. Sanderson has an alternate take on Barry Bonds on the Tribune's Op-Ed page that echoes arguments seen elsewhere including the pages of The Beachwood Reporter. Though I'm still not convinced.

Flight Deck
"O'Hare International Airport needs more flights and fewer delays," Crain's says in an editorial this week. "Until recently, it seemed these goals were compatible and shared by everyone involved in the $7-billion expansion at O'Hare."

As some of us have been saying - and writing - for years, those goals were never compatible. You can't add more flights and reduce delays. Even if the new flights come with new runways to absorb a good share of the new traffic, delays will only get worse. It's like not only adding a new lane to the highway, but adding a new lane and bringing hundreds of new cars with it.

You may not like it, but a third airport has been the answer - or a new second airport and the closing of Midway - all along.

Vicious Bear
Media Matters says it so I don't have to.

But it wasn't just the Tribune. Neil Steinberg, the smartest boy in the world, had this to say about Dennis Hastert: "Rep. J. Dennis Hastert is a class act who did a lot for his district and for Illinois. It is in his character that, upon announcing his departure from Congress after 21 years, he would deliver a parting gift - a reiteration of his plea, first given when he assumed the speakership in 1999, that we not lose ourselves in a 'pool of bitterness."

You'll have to forgive Steinberg. He doesn't read the papers.

Bell Tolls
Bell's beer could be returning to our state with special selections "Brewed especially for the people of the great state of Illinois."

Clout Stout?

Obambi
MSNBC last night reported that Barack Obama said his childhood years in Indonesia give him the best foreign policy experience of anyone in the field.

Over the shoulder of the anchor, the graphic read: "Is He Kidding?"

If George W. Bush or Dan Quayle made a claim like that, a lot of the people who support Obama would howl. That's what I hate. It's pure bullshit.

Saint Obama
Slate's David Greenberg wonders: "Too Good for Politics: Is Barack Obama just another high-toned liberal doomed to failure?"

He certainly was here in Illinois. You remember all the flak he took for his high-toned rhetoric when it came to taking on Emil Jones's corrupt machine in Springfield, and the outrage he expressed at rampant corruption in Daley's City Hall, and the way he refused to do business with the likes of Tony Rezko, and how he bucked the old politics when he opposed Todd Stroger and especially when he ordered his U.S. Senate campaign not to slime Blair Hull. Barack Obama is just too good for politics.

Dysfunction Junction
What's wrong with our media?

"People often surrender their sanity when they move inside palaces."

Hope Chest
If you want a new kind of politics, vote for Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, the Greens, the Libertarians, or an independent candidate to come.

If you want "change" back to the way things were before Bush, vote Hillary Clinton.

If you want "change" from Clinton and Bush, vote Huckabee or Edwards.

If you want straight answers to tough questions, vote Gravel, not Obama.

If you want someone to order a Code Red, vote Duncan Hunter.

Leaving Las Vegas
What the candidates did after the debate. A Special Beachwood Report.

Innkeeping
Tonight is Customer Appreciation Night at the Beachwood Inn. All regulars drink for free after 8 p.m. Everyone else gets to watch the mayhem that will ensue at no charge. Maybe I'll see you there.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Appreciating every day.

Posted by Lou at 07:10 AM | Permalink

Leaving Las Vegas

While the rest of the media left Las Vegas shortly after the Democratic candidates debate last Thursday night, the crack Beachwood Barstow Bureau hung around to scope out how the candidates unwound later that evening. Here's what they found.

*

Joe Biden. Placed large bets on the roulette wheel based on dividing the table into three. Also sweet-talked the cocktail waitresses into a raucous after-hours party in the MTV suite at the Palms where, of course, he had a three-way. Found singing karaoke in the wee hours of the night at a Harrah's lounge.

Hillary Clinton. Stuck to the blackjack tables where she played two hands at once. She also counted cards and walked away the biggest winner. Never actually checked into a room but managed to make an appearance at every hotel on the strip and the Four Queens downtown.

Mike Gravel. Railed at his fellow craps players at the Bellagio for their disingenuous play before maxing out his credit cards and transferring to Caesar's Palace, where he tried to incite insurrection among the waitstaff. Forcibly put in a cab and sent to Circus Circus.

John Edwards. Hung out with the kitchen staff at Treasure Island, spent a couple hours in the spa at the Wynn, and offered to put several strippers at the Cheetah through college.

Barack Obama. Like Austin Powers, Obama's idea of living dangerously at the blackjack table was to stay with a three and a two. He talked a lot about how wild and crazy he was going to get, but he never actually did. When he fell asleep around midnight in the coffee shop at the Mirage, customers complained that he was stinky and snorey.

Chris Dodd. Spent a lot of time playing baccarat at the Venetian, then headed to Nine at the Palms for a late steak dinner. Retired to a suite at Rio and had Vegas Exotics send a girl over.

Bill Richardson. Went back to his room at Green Valley Ranch to change and met some friends at Whiskey Beach before tearing it up at the Double Down Saloon. Canceled all events the next day.

Dennis Kucinich. Played the West Coast horses at the Bally's sportsbook, $2 poker at Sam's Town, then headed back to Palace Station and ordered vegan room service, which the kitchen staff faked.

*

The Republican candidates, we have learned, have also spent time in Vegas this campaign season.

Duncan Hunter. Took in Penn & Teller at Rio and then headed to the Crazy Horse Too with a gaggle of rich California broads he picked up at the Hard Rock. Woke up naked except for his tie in a mobile home on the other side of town with a dead boy and live girl at his side. Called a cab and returned to the campaign trail.

John McCain. A late dinner with an old friend at the MGM Grand.

Mitt Romney. Strapped the dog to the roof and took the kids to Hoover Dam.

Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee. Picked up Celine Dion for an all-night bender that began at the Paris craps tables, continued on the dance floor at Rain, got sloppy at the Backdoor Lounge, and ended with Thompson waking up with a tranny in Hitler's car.

Rudy Giuliani. Got kicked out of New York New York for trying to clean the joint up. Joined the showgirls for a number at the Flamingo and relived old times with the gang at the Stardust before retiring to the Golden Nugget, where he ran into Bill Bennett playing slots.

Tom Tancredo. Too many Mexicans in Vegas. Flew up to Reno.

Ron Paul. Walked the streets with a sandwich board proclaiming the impending end of this wicked world before discovering he could make a good buck handing out fliers for escort services.

Posted by Lou at 05:33 AM | Permalink

And Then There's Maude: Episode 9

Our tribute to the 35th anniversary of the debut of Maude continues.

*

Season 1, Episode 9
Episode Title: Maude's Dilemma (Part 1)

Original airdate: 14 November 1972

Plot: This is it, the controversial episode Maude is most famous for, the segment generally referred to as "Maude's abortion." Just eight episodes into the first season, Maude's creators pushed the envelope of acceptable TV entertainment to the extreme, so much so that advertisers balked and some local CBS affiliates refused to air the two-part episode. Thirty-five years later, it's impossible to imagine a network sitcom using abortion as a featured storyline.

Part 1 begins with a hysterical Maude returning from the doctor's office having just received the news that she's pregnant. ("At age 62, I'll be the mother of an Eagle Scout!") Maude is handling the shock in typical style, pacing the floor, beating herself on the chest, and yelling at everyone.

Maude first breaks the news to her best friend Vivian who in turn breaks the news to Carol. In a twist on the usual mother-daughter talk, it's Carol who reminds her mother that there's "only one sensible way out of this" and she doesn't have to have the baby. "What'll I do?" snaps Maude, "Trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?"

In an amazing display of patient privacy, next-door neighbor Arthur (who has an office on the same floor as Maude's doctor) arrives for a bridge game and greets Maude at the door already in on the secret, cackling in anticipation of the look on Walter's face when he hears the news. First Arthur calls Maude "Little Mother" and then Carol gets on her soap box ("When are men going to take some responsibility for birth control?") leading to a discussion about vasectomies and the human race procreating like rabbits.

The bridge game erupts into a shouting match, which is Walter's cue to walk through the door. He's home from an appliance convention with a big surprise of his own: "I, Walter Findlay, am going into Japanese appliances!" Maude's news trumps Walter's and she leads him into the kitchen to break it to him over a plate of cold chicken.

Ever the light touch, Maude abruptly drops the bomb on Walter and whisks out of the room before the fireworks begin. Walter, having just taken a big bite of chicken leg, chokes on the news and the chicken. As Maude resumes her seat at the bridge table, a sputtering, coughing Walter gropes his way into the living room, madly pantomiming his distress. ("He just loves my chicken," says a serene Maude.)

The group finally realizes that Walter isn't signaling culinary rapture but is struggling to breathe and they rush to help, with Arthur barking out pre-Heimlich maneuver choking instructions. ("He's choking! Get some bread from the kitchen!") Get some . . . bread?

With Walter looking decidedly shell-shocked (Arthur: "That's the look!") everyone leaves to give Walter and Maude a chance to talk. Before she goes, Carol reiterates Maude's options ("When you were young, abortion was a dirty word. It's not anymore. Now you think about that.") Walter says that he's going to go ahead with a vasectomy so this will never happen again and he tells Maude, "Whatever you decide."

Part 1 concludes with the announcement, "And now some scenes from next week's Maude." This is the first time I can recall seeing previews for an upcoming episode of a '70s sitcom. Stay tuned.

Hot button social issue: Abortion and a woman's right to choose. This episode aired in November of 1972, two months before the ruling on Roe v. Wade.

Making her first appearance: Fellow Golden Girl Rue McClanahan stars as Maude's best friend Vivian. Here she looks like her own grandmother, coiffed in a grey rinse hairdo that stands five inches off her forehead.

Fashion statement: Viv sports a pantsuit that could double as duo-tone sports car upholstery.

Neckerchief count: 2

Decorating tip: Bright orange placemats in the shape of flowers and a yellow-green coffee mug with jaunty mushrooms all over it. Nothing screams the 1970s like smiley faces and polka-dotted mushrooms.

Cocktail hour: After Walter hears the news he needs a drink, to which Maude says, "Better make me a double. I'm drinking for two you know." And she does.

Welcome back to 1972 pop culture reference: Modern woman Carol explains it all - The time before Ms.

When Florida asks Carol why her mail has the letters "M-S" in front of her name, Carol gives the Ms.-101 explanation: "That's the result of Women's Lib. You know all men are called Mr. so we can't tell if they're married or single. But with women, we're either Miss or Mrs., so you know if they're married or single or not. Anyway, to make things equal we have this new designation in front of our names. M.S. Pronounced Mizzzz."

Pop culture trivia #1: Maude takes place in 1972 Tuckahoe, New York. Abortion was made legal in the state of New York in 1970.

Pop culture trivia #2: The Heimlich Maneuver was first published in 1974.

Pop culture trivia #3: "Maude's Dilemma" was written by Susan Harris, who went on to create The Golden Girls, starring Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan.

Number of times Maude yells: 6

'70s slang: "You're putting me on," Carol says twice when Vivian tells her that Maude is finally granting her childhood wish by giving her a baby brother or sister.

Memorable quote: "Do you know what that means! I live in a house where an uncle is about to inherit his nephew's potty seat!"

Wow, did they just say that? "It's as simple as going to the dentist."

-

Previously:
Season 1, Episode 1: Maude's Problem.
Season 1, Episode 2: Doctor, Doctor.
Season 1, Episode 3: Maude Meets Florida.
Season 1, Episode 4: Like Mother, Like Daughter.
Season 1, Episode 5: Maude and the Radical.
Season 1, Episode 6: The Ticket.
Season 1, Episode 7: Love and Marriage.
Season 1, Episode 8: Flashback.

Posted by Lou at 04:18 AM | Permalink

Free Store Friday

Give, take, get, go

BLACK FRIDAY
(Friday, November 23, 2007 - the day after Thanksgiving)

It's our one-year anniversary!

Start: High Noon
End: Late That Night

Location:
Ausgang Studios
1958 W Walnut
(one block north of Lake Street, just east of Damen)

The Free Store is a completely free event. We have items ranging from clothing for all people to furniture to books to electronics. It's a simple cycle:

You come to The Free Store. You take what you want or need. You leave!

Nothing is expected in return. Does it work? You betcha!

TO GIVE:
We are done with pickups for the week, so if you have an item or service to give, bring it with you to the store. Other ways to help: come a little early to help us set up, bring the storekeepers some food or drink, pass the word along!

ENTERTAINMENTS:
2 P.M.
Free music from
Lert Somboon Festival of Love . . . a post-grunge rock power trio spreading their own special brand of holiday cheer.

AFTER DARK
Movies projected in the yard with bonfire! Storekeepers' Choice.

Performance Stuff from NEIGHBORS (scummy people that you know well)

WE GOT IT
Also special this time around: a wall of computer monitors! Over 200 books! Clothes for a wide range of sizes! Build-your-own-Danish-furniture-apartment! Loudmouth neighbors! Tales of garlic pancakes and failed hobo sex!

COME & GET IT
Stop by any time, ONE DAY ONLY!

*

The Free Store is organized and assembled by Melinda Fries, Zena Sakowski, Rob Kelly, and Salem Collo-Julin. Thanks to Larry, Virginia, Jill & Sarah, Beth, and all our early helpers and givers!

*

If you possibly need more info, contact Melinda or Salem.

Posted by Lou at 03:59 AM | Permalink

November 19, 2007

The [Monday] Papers

"As Sunday afternoon was quickly becoming Sunday night, Robbie Gould's onside kick was skittering across the turf at Qwest Field," Clare Farnsworth writes this morning in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

"If the Chicago Bears recovered, it would give them one final shot at scoring a last-second touchdown to send their game against the Seahawks into overtime.

"But quicker than any memories could be evoked of the Bears' overtime victory against the Seahawks in the second round of last season's playoffs, free safety Brian Russell got to the ball and slapped it out of bounds.

"End of threat. End of the Bears (4-6) as a playoff contender, perhaps."

Or, as our very own Jim Coffman writes in Bear Monday: "It all added up to a big step toward the abyss."

Divine Right
"This is God's favorite song."

Slime Time
"Obama Rips 'Slime Politics.""

Except when he's the one practicing it.

Driving Me Crazy
The latest flap among Democratic presidential candidates about drivers licenses for illegal immigrants exemplifies one facet of why I won't be voting for either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

Let's take Hillary first.

My problem isn't that she flip-flopped on the issue, because she didn't. That's a fabrication. If you look at what she said in the debate in Philadelphia that got her in so much trouble, you can see that she never said she would support as president allowing illegal immigrants to obtain drivers licenses, but that she could see how New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer was moved to just such a plan in the absence of national immigration reform. The states are stuck in a void without federal action; governors are enacting makeshift policies to cope the best they can. I'm not bothered at all by her reluctance to undercut Spitzer, which is what really got her in trouble. So be it.

My problem with Hillary, though, is that she cynically bowed to pundits proclaiming a "poor performance" in that debate - even Kos thought she did well - rather than stand up and fight for the truth of what she said and what she believes. She found it easier to finesse the issue away.

It reminds me of Al Gore's great failing in 2000. Instead of standing up for himself against the cascade of lies and myths perpetuated by the media including the one that had him claiming to have invented the Internet, he incorporated jokes about the non-existent claim into his stump speech as a path of lesser resistance.

I'd prefer candidates who stand up for themselves and the truth. If they won't stand up for themselves, after all, they sure as hell aren't going to stand up for you.

Obama is guilty of the same thing. When he was criticized in an earlier debate for saying he would meet with the leaders of North Korea, Syria, Cuba and Iran anytime without precondition in his first year as president, that's not what he really meant. What he really meant was wholly reasonable: That we should engage in diplomacy with our enemies instead of refusing to speak to them like the ill-tempered children of the Bush Administration.

After awkward attempts to walk Obama's statement back based on a disconnect between the literal question and Obama's answer, Obama began to go with the idea instead, proclaiming it part of his new politics. It was a way to soothe the pundits rather than explain that he didn't mean what it sounded like he meant.

If you believe Obama would really meet in the White House face-to-face with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad without any diplomatic groundwork - i.e., preconditions - in his first year as president, followed by visits from Kim Jong Il, Basher al-Assad and Fidel Castro, you're smoking crack.

This is the kind of disingenuous media strategy that is part and parcel of today's presidential campaigns, because in large part it was media pressure that caused each candidate to behave like weasels. The pundits like to set out the terms for candidates as to what it will take for them to lay off this issue or that; demanding an apology, a condemnation, a more clever way to manipulate the voters, an acceptable "cleaning up" of a "problem." And the candidates play along.

The truth about the drivers license issue is that it is a federal issue, not a state issue. States will act in a vacuum until federal action is taken, and a president can hardly blame them. Presidents can't be in the business of telling each state what to do, though each candidate ought to have an opinion on whether federal immigration reform should have a drivers license provision - or if it will tackle the issue in a way to make drivers licenses moot.

In one sense, then, Obama is right: The issue is a distraction. Theoretically. On the other hand, in the absence of comprehensive federal legislation, which could be years in the offing, states will act. To governors, what Obama calls a distraction is a reality staring them in the face.

What I haven't seen is a case for how either Obama or Clinton would pass comprehensive immigration reform that so far has been unattainable. How will they succeed where the Bush Administration has failed? After all, for the most part Obama and Clinton agree with the Bush plan. Including that 700-mile fence on the Mexican border. Talk about a distraction.

Played For a Sucker
Paul Krugman on Obama's Social Security folly.

Chicago In Song
The Hold Steady channels Nelson Algren.

Rock Heresy
Avril Lavigne performed at the American Music Awards last night, an event I have absolutely no interest in. It is hardly the best of American music. But one day I'll explain my seemingly sacrilegious theory about how Lavigne is like the Replacements.

The Beachwood Tip Line: On the make.

Posted by Lou at 09:01 AM | Permalink

Bear Monday: Toward The Abyss

When asked about his team's offensive game plan before last Monday night's match-up with the 'Niners, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren didn't mince words. He literally told his foes not to worry about the running game. Holmgren also acknowledged that he was starting to wonder, even more intensely than usual, if the aggravation of losing was worth the trouble. The coach, whose highly touted team was sputtering along at .500 (4-4), was at least starting to contemplate the end of the line. And if Holmgren was going to go, he was going to go with passes blazing. The Seahawks went on to prevail 24-0, but no one was overly impressed. It was only the perennially pathetic 49ers (the times, they have a-changed) after all. The Bears would provide a stiffer challenge, wouldn't they?

Nevertheless Holmgren, who supervised nothing but passing game greatness during stints as a quarterback coach and offensive coordinator with the 49ers (1986-91) and as head coach of the Packers (1992-98), told the Bears the exact same thing heading into Sunday's critical contest. It didn't help.

Part of the reason the visitors came up short despite knowing what was coming (most of the time) was the opposing quarterback - Matt Hasselbeck is right on the verge of greatness and great quarterbacks can achieve completeness even when the defense knows passes are coming. Hasselbeck hasn't exactly had great receivers the last three years but has still led the Seahawks to the 2006 Super Bowl (where they were on the wrong side of a few questionable calls but were certainly not robbed, as Holmgren and so many Coffeeheads would have you believe), the 2006-07 playoffs (becoming the first Super Bowl loser in a half-dozen years to even qualify for the postseason the next year), and back to the top of the NFC West this fall. And part of it was, the Bears defense wasn't good enough.

It all added up to a big step toward the abyss. The Bears can afford but one more loss (OK, OK, they can probably afford two - if the Lions succumb to the Packers on Thanksgiving all of the potential second NFC wild cards will have at least five losses) the rest of the season.

And now, the lowlights.

* The biggest problem, one realizes as the Bears get off to a great start, score early like they haven't scored early all season, and are still lucky not to trail at the half, is this game shouldn't have been critical. A successful NFL squad has to cut itself some slack. It has to win the winnable home games, like ones against the Vikings and the Lions, so it has some leeway in road games in especially hostile environments against division leaders.

* Play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian and analyst J.C. Pearson were on the call again for Fox. The former stumbled out of the box when he made early note of a prominent Seahawk ritual. It involves someone who is at least somewhat important raising a flag before each home game with a big number 12 on it under the word "Fan." Seahawks supporters have long believed they generate so much noise and are so supportive that they deserve special notice.

Young Matt notes, "It has been a time-honored tradition in Seattle since this place (Qwest Field) opened in 2002." It reminded me of when the still practically expansion Marlins won their first World Series in 1997 and the Miami Herald front-page headline proclaimed "Finally!"

The Seahawks fans have actually thought of themselves as the 12th man since a few decades before the authorities blew up their former home, the Kingdome. But of course the only true collective 12th man still stands by at Texas A&M, just as he has for about 80 years.

* Later, Vasgersian chose a remarkable soundtrack for a Maurice "Mo" Morris' touchdown run. "Mo, Mo, Mo," crooned the modern-day disco duck as Morris reached the end zone. "How do you like it? How do you like it Seattle fans." "More, More, More (How Do You Like It)" was a hit for the Andrea True Connection in 1976.

* I have tried to avoid piling on Ron Turner this fall. It is so easy to question the play-calling when a team isn't producing enough points. And Turner called the plays for the team that represented the NFC in the Super Bowl last year. And he didn't completely forget how to call plays between then and now.

Nevertheless he still calls too many unimaginative runs up the middle on first downs, especially in the red zone. Of course Benson's touchdown run (43 yards! Followed by another 20-yard run! And that was it - he only carried it nine more times for 20 more yards) happened on a first down. But that could only be described as a fluke. And after Robbie Gould's first field goal, the offense bogged down when weak first-down runs led to a series of second-and-longs. When first-down play-action finally kicked in, it fueled the great Bear drive that should have closed the half.

* Should have but didn't in part because Gould submitted a strong entry into the stupidest penalty competition by kicking the ensuing kickoff out of bounds. "Here, Seahawks, have an early Christmas gift," said the kicker. "Psst . . . it's a field goal."

* Still, reserve linebacker Rod Wilson wins the award for the 15-yard penalty he earned for a late hit out of bounds earlier in the second quarter. It wasn't just late, it was CTA bus or train on a snowy morning late. Darwin Walker's first-half encroachment penalty - lining up in the neutral zone despite lining up right next to the ball - and Fred Miller's second, second-half false start were also finalists.

* Everyone hammers Benson for either hesitating for a moment after taking a hand-off or for tip-toeing through holes. On the Bears' second touchdown, Adrian Peterson hesitates for a moment after taking the hand-off and then lightly scoots through the slender hole that opens up a moment later for the score.

* First, we must note that the second half was highlighted by two ridiculous (and we don't use that word lightly around here) catches on two consecutive plays. Muhsin Muhammad laid out for a glorious diving grab and Bernard Berrian reached back and made a one-handed grab of a pass that was way behind him to get the Bears out of a big hole. Unfortunately, Rex Grossman chose the next play not to protect the ball during a scramble. Nevertheless, Grossman looked good and validated Lovie's decision to start him. Early on he completed a deep out to Berrian that could not have been a better illustration of the sort of pass he can throw that Brian Griese can't.

* The first half featured Israel (I'd be a fan just for his name but he is a great special-teamer) Idonije's hugely heads-up fumble recovery and the second featured a similarly smart dig for a loose ball by Brian Urlacher.

* That fourth-down play where you had Grossman give the ball to Benson up the middle, Ron? I think the Seahawks knew that was coming. That end-around to Hester during the next possession (I know, I know, I should just be happy they actually gave him the ball on offense)? They knew that was coming too. And the screen pass shortly thereafter? They sniffed that out too. The Bears haven't run a successful screen pass this season.

* The game comes down to a ridic. . . , nope, I better call it an adventurous onside kick that almost worked (and if it had, it was far enough down the field that the Bears would have had two longshots at the end zone (as in Grossman probably would have had time for two heaves past the goal line). But an opportunistic Seahawk managed to swat it out of bounds, or should I say he passed it out.

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Jim Coffman brings you Bear Monday every . . . Monday.

Posted by Lou at 07:09 AM | Permalink

Golf Industry Tees Off Into Two-Way Radio

The following press release announcing the advancement of 49er Communications in the Private & Public Golf Course, Country Club & Resort industry, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.

- - -

GOLF INDUSTRY TEES OFF INTO TWO-WAY RADIO

Dateline: Grass Valley, CA
Name: Cristy Alexander
E-Mail: estimates@49er.cc
Web Address: www.golfindustryshow.com/

GRASS VALLEY, CA - 49er Communications supplies Private & Public Golf Courses, Country Clubs & Resorts with the tools to effectively communicate during daily operations, special events and emergency situations.

As outdoor temperatures begin to drop, and summer turns into fall, the Golf Industry begins the behind-the-scenes work to ensure a fun, convenient and safe experience for everyone involved in the coming season.

A key component to coordinating an enjoyable experience and ensuring the safety of all visitors and participants is the use of two-way radios, call boxes, and Wireless PA systems. A recent report by ICOM America concludes that the Recreation Industry, including golf courses, depends heavily on two-way communications for all aspects of their operation.

Golf club superintendents have found that the use of call boxes not only increases food and beverage sales, yet have resulted in expedited calls for maintenance and faster "turns."

General Manager of Blue Lakes Country Club in Twin Falls, Michael Collins, has just installed a 49er Call Box. He states that his members "love the convenience and increased level of service," and he is enjoying "the increased revenue and enhanced efficiency for our staff." Previously, club members had to go to the clubhouse to place their orders and then wait for their food to be prepared, which disrupted their pace of play. Now their food is waiting for them!

The 9th tee is the most common location for food and beverage ordering; however, for added safety and convenience, call boxes can be placed at every 3rd tee. Even your most remote areas can be covered - potentially where an emergency situation could be taken care of before it turns into a disaster. Moreover, you can forget about issues of weather, vandalism, or costly trenching. Housed in rugged weatherproof enclosures, these tamper-resistant, self-sufficient outposts are easy to install and wireless. Design features such as customized voice messages, handsets, and the option of solar-powered arrays make this simple device a profitable enhancement to the golfing experience.

According to golf pros across the country, the needs of an active golf course depend on seamless, consistent and timely communication. Announcing tee times, clearing the course and resuming play, and broadcasting storm warnings and other emergency situations can all be done easily from a portable handheld or base station to a wireless PA system.

Special events flow effortlessly with 49er LoudMouth Wireless PA System, and the best part is that the installation is portable with no costly trenching. They can be installed virtually anywhere in a temporary location and then moved to a new location for a different event or purpose. Programming is just as convenient, either by PC or right in the field.

49er Call Boxes and Wireless PA systems work with most UHF and VHF radio frequencies, so the need to replace a current system is not necessary; however, adding a two-way radio system is easy and economical. 49er Communications is a nationwide two-way radio supplier to golf courses, offering 4 and 5 watt business and industry quality two-way radios, starting as low as $195 each. All radios include upgraded accessories like rapid rate chargers, batteries with no memory effect, belt clips and antennas. With the roll out of 49ers' new SWAP program the down time for repairs is almost non-existent. If a radio under warranty purchased from 49er Communications malfunctions in anyway and needs factory service, the end-user simply fills out a repair form and faxes it over; 49er sends UPS to pick up the radio and "swaps" it out for another one right off the shelf!

Wireless irrigation systems also benefit from two-way radio control. DTMF tones, like in the 99-channel radio offered by 49er Communications, transmit complex schedules and changes at your fingertips.

The biggest advantage about using two-way radio communication over cellular phones is reliability when cell phones are likely to be down, two-radios are up and running. In addition to reliability, two-way radios boast an excellent audio quality, no monthly fees, and true ownership. These are yet a few more of the good reasons why resorts, country clubs, and golf courses like yours rely on this tried and true mode of communication.

Meet 49er Communications at the Golf Industry Show 2008 at Booth #3427 for a hands-on experience of all of the latest products in two-way radios.

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49er Communications is a government-certified woman-owned small business, launched in 1997. Known for superior customer service, leading-edge products and extensive knowledge, 49er Communications is uniquely positioned to give the golf industry the quality experience they deserve.

Posted by Lou at 06:31 AM | Permalink

What I Watched Last Night

I didn't sleep well last night. Here's what I kept flipping between.

1. The Devil's Advocate.

I love this movie.

KEANU: Why the law, dad?

PACINO: Because it puts us into everything.

I'm not terribly fond of Keanu Reeves' performance (has he ever been good except unknowingly perfect as Johnny Utah in Point Break?), but Al Pacino as John Milton, a.k.a., the devil, is mesmerizing. While the theology is confusing, Pacino's oration in the final scene ("I'm a fan of man! . . . God is an absentee landlord! Worship that? Never!") is spectacular.

2. Jerry Maguire.

I detest this movie. On about 50 different levels.

I can't even begin to get into that discussion here today, except to say that on top of my grievances is the undeniable perfection of Cameron Crowe's execution of this film. He nailed it, which makes me even crazier.

Let's just say Renee Zellweger's Dorothy Boyd pretty much sums it up: a hottie portrayed as an ordinary bore inspired by a memo about the noble possibilities of sports agentry that that superficial jerk of her attention spends the rest of the movie renouncing even as they cling to their sole client to make a living off of. Ugh. And Zellweger's acting consists of facial tics that almost always portray confusion.

Oh, don't get me started. That's just the beginning.

3. The Real World.

Look, I know that Trisha is a ridiculous throwback to ditzy sorority girl chic, but Parisa is a bitch.

And KellyAnne? Not a bright girl.

This show sets feminism back to . . . well, the Reagan era!

And the guys aren't much better. Even I will admit Cohutta's charms, but his Southern gentleman act just seems immature after awhile, and he is still a small-town boy with a small-town mind after all is said and done.

Dunbar and Isaac are duds, Shauvon is psycho, and I don't even know who the new chick is.

This is quite possibly the worst Real World ever in that nothing happens outside of Trisha and Parisa's catfights. No one else in the house seems to have anything going on, and nothing seems to happen outside of the house, which is usually key.

On the other hand, this week either Trisha or Parisa gets sent home after an incident . . . so I'll have to watch one more episode just to see what happens.

*

What did you watch last night? See the entire collection and submit your own.

Posted by Lou at 06:31 AM | Permalink

Chicago In Song: Algren Holds Steady

In this special edition of Chicago In Song, we take an in-depth look at one song from The Hold Steady and see how it illustrates the connection to what could be the ultimate source of the ubiquitous Chicago-bashing in modern song lyrics and pop culture - our very own Nelson Algren.

*

The Hold Steady/Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night
The Hold Steady is "officially" from Brooklyn, but it still seems, even after a decade or so of living there, that the vast majority of frontman Craig Finn's dense and symbolic lyrics are still rather specifically about the Twin Cities, where he's from. In "Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night," though, he takes that propensity and shows that he also knows a thing or two about the Windy City, specifically about its literary patron saint, and mixing up the geographical references. He succeeds at both. And, really, this is a very special song and Finn is a very special songwriter because, if for no other reason, he's one of the very few lyricists I've come across that references Chicago as something other than a horrific hellhole.

In fact, the song starts off with an image of Algren, the man who probably did the most of anyone to elevate Chicago's superficially hellish cliches and reveal the hidden human and emotional depths beneath them, and transplants the long-dead writer to Minneapolis, where he and other literary muses hang out with Finn as he makes the rockboy party circuit in the late 1980s local music scene there. (Special thanks to National Public Radio, whose crack music staff have annotated and deciphered some key Hold Steady songs, and whose analysis I am cribbing here):

Nelson Algren came to Paddy at some party at the Dead End Alley.
He told him what to celebrate.
And I met William Butler Yeats. Sunday Nite Dance Party summer 1988. At first I thought it might be William Blake.

Okay. Here's what NPR says. "Paddy" is actually a reference to Patrick Costello, the frontman of Minnesota's long-preeminent punk rock group, the Dillinger Four. "Dead End Alley" is what they called the South Minneapolis house that Costello lived in, the scene of many a party and also early band performances. And, according to NPR, Finn has said that the Nelson Algren reference in his song was actually an homage to a Dillinger Four lyric from their own song "Doublewhiskeycokenoice." That lyric goes,

Nelson Algren came to me
And said celebrate the ugly things
The beat-up side of what they call pride
Could be the measure of these days

Lastly, the reference to "Sunday Nite Dance Party" is a shout-out to the legendary downtown Minneapolis venue, First Avenue, which in the early '90s used the big club as an eclectic disco hosted by DJs PD Spinlove and Roy Freedom. Finn's inclusion of Algren into this seemingly ultra-local lyrical lexicon, I believe, is a commentary on the power of literature (and by extension, its modern-day counterpart, rock music) to create and sustain myths that pertain to place. Finn has done that with Minneapolis just as Algren, he seems to be saying, did it for Chicago. He amplifies on that thought in the next passage:

We mix our own mythologies. We push them out through PA systems.
We dictate our doxologies and try to get sleeping kids to sit up and listen.
I'm not saying we could save you. But we could put you in a place where you could save yourself.
If you don't get born again, at least you'll get high as hell.

Algren's odes to Chicago's hardscrabble Polish and Ukrainian neighborhoods took an almost universally despised culture tied strongly to a specific place and revealed its hidden depths, nuances and passions, humanizing it while at the same time turning its hardships (poverty, alcoholism, corruption) into perverse strengths. Maybe Finn feel punk rock embodies that same kind of spirit and that it's a way to tell the world about the humanness of Midwestern punkers, who have been absolutely marginalized in a part of the country where suburban culture holds tremendous sway.

Finn finishes the song with:

Hey Nelson Algren. Chicago seemed tired last nite. They had cigarettes where there were supposed to be eyes.
Hey William Butler Yeats. The Irish seemed wired last nite. They tried to separate our girls from our guys. They had cigarettes where there were supposed to be eyes.

Having "cigarettes where there were supposed to be eyes" could mean... what? Coupled with seeming "tired," it could be he's saying that a run-down city, perhaps hung over from the ordeals of the 20th Century, doesn't have the life it once did, if we can equate "eyes" with "life." And now, instead of being the determined "city on the make" of Algren's era, its life force has been replaced by comforting addictions like cigarettes, which, of course, are also associated with alcoholism and depression. When you're tired, you fall back on those addictions that help you through your depression and low spirits.

So, ultimately, maybe what we understand here is that Algren is the one who's responsible for the hundreds of rock song lyrics that have portrayed Chicago in such a negative light (in addition, of course, to all the all the references in The Blues about Chicago's hardships). It could be that Finn is hitting on the point that it was Algren who was one of the first to mix up the drugs, despair and poverty of the city with an accepted media form and come up with an enduring legacy - Chicago-bashing in modern pop culture.

*

Comments? Write Don.

*

From "Cubs 'N Roses" to "The O'Hare Blues," Chicago In Song explores the myriad and fascinating ways our fair city is portrayed in popular music. Check out the whole collection.

Posted by Don at 12:20 AM | Permalink

November 17, 2007

The Weekend Desk Report

Nothing's quiet on the Western Front, but don't worry. We're keeping a watchful eye out for you.

Market Update
Relief this week, as the nation's economic doctors have diagnosed merely "a rough patch" ahead for the markets. You know, a case of fiscal sniffles. Nothing serious.

Growing Pains
President Bush this week castigated Congress for behaving like "a teenager with a credit card" by proposing a budget that fails to act like a teenager with a large standing army. In related news, Iran wants the cool kids to stop spreading dirty rumors about it.

Greenbacks and Yellow Bellies
The clear winner in this week's Sad Irony Sweepstakes is Green Car Journal, who have seen fit to reward the Chevy Tahoe Hybrid for getting the same shitty fuel economy as current passenger cars. Which will really help that whole end-of-the-world thing.

Death Be Not Hurried
In a widely expected move this week, the United States Supreme Court stayed the execution of a Florida man as it continues to consider the constitutionality of death by lethal injection. Apparently, however, hanging is still cool as long as everyone's on board.

Enhanced Performance Capture
Meanwhile, it seems the feds are riding high after securing an indictment against shamed slugger Barry Bonds. In fact, sources now tell us that after this weekend's action, the government will try to take down Ray Winstone. Winstone's agent apparently still isn't talking.

Parting Shots
Finally, Metra this week announced a 10% fare hike for 2008, saying future increases will be needed unless the state legislature approves funding for "a thorough Winstoning" of regional transit. And while Mayor Daley says he sympathizes with CTA union leaders, it won't stop his plans to "Beowulf the shit" out of the city's library system. And you don't even want to know what Rod wants to give the Full Ray treatment.

Posted by Natasha at 07:31 AM | Permalink

November 16, 2007

The [Friday] Papers

Here's some breaking news for you: The presidential debates are not boring. They're really not. And they aren't a waste of time. They're quite useful.

We've been having quite a bit of fun with the debates here at Beachwood HQ. Invite a few friends over next time and see how it goes.

Debates are just one part of the campaign mix - and certainly not everything when it comes to assessing the candidates. But I know I've learned a great deal watching them the last few months.

For example, Bill Richardson's resume looks great on paper. His candidacy looks awful on the stage.

John Edwards' poverty agenda is noble. He comes off, however, as smarmy and insincere.

Hillary Clinton - oh no, here come the e-mails - is commanding. Barack Obama not so much. He's a bore.

Joe Biden is super smart and fun to watch and listen to. I'm not sure he should be president, but he should be something.

God bless Dennis Kucinich.

Chris Dodd is . . . a senator. An elder statesman. From Connecticut.

Mike Gravel is missed. The nation needs Mike Gravel. After all, when he filed for bankruptcy he stuck the credit card companies with the bills. "You're damn right I did!"

At one (Republican) debate there was a giant airplane on the stage. At last night's (Democratic) debate in Las Vegas, the candidates were escorted out by, well, not showgirls exactly, but escorted out one by one as they were introduced.

Of course, the debates are about much more than stage presence. Real differences and discussions of issues actually do occur. Kucinich wants to cut off funding for the war. Yesterday. Richardson wants to bring the troops home. Today. The rest of 'em - for reasons good and bad - want to muddle along until an exit can be (theoretically) carefully executed. Biden wants to divide Iraq into three ethnic-religious states - a position Obama considered but rejected.

This is important stuff.

The candidates' approaches to health care are different too. Only Kucinich is calling for a single-payer system. The others are working around the edges.

And so on.

The Republican debates aren't quite as much fun, not because of ideology but because they are simply more narrow in scope. Tax cuts and Iraq. Tax cuts and Iraq. Tax cuts and Iraq. The Republican candidates aren't as funny, either. Their truth-teller is Ron Paul, whose dour outlook is no match for Gravel's inspired outrage or Kucinich's commitment to peaceful, humane values.

Still, we're watching with anticipation waiting for Duncan Hunter to order a Code Red and Mitt Romney to die from a toxic mix of slick and glib. Rudy Giuliani is truly frightening, but at least he's not in a coma like Fred Thompson.

If you watch the Republican debates, though, you'll see why Mike Huckabee is a legitimate contender and John McCain ain't gonna make it. You will also see Giuliani's appeal.

Sure, the pundits like to dissect exactly the wrong things said at these affairs and mistake sentences spoken without one hundred percent parsed articulation as gaffes instead of calling out the true hypocrisies and trying to understand where these folks stand and what they would do as president.

But it's too easy and lazy to dismiss these gatherings - and the campaigns' daily grind - as unworthy of our attention because so much of it is shallow and cynical showmanship. That's all the more reason to pay close attention and disabuse yourself of the caricatures in your mind of who these people really are. You can find out watching these debates. They're easy enough to see through.

Peterson's Pension
The Sun-Times is just positively stupid in its big front-page story about embattled Bolingbrook police Sgt. Drew Peterson.

"Drew Peterson races out of his garage and past the media outside his Bolingbrook house yesterday," the paper says breathlessly, next to a fuzzy photo of Peterson on a motorcycle and under the headline "Easy Rider."

"Later in the day he got news that his $72,000-a-year pension is safe despite the fact that he's a suspect in his wife's disappearance."

You are supposed to be outraged. Despite the fact that he's a suspect in his wife's disappearance.

The wise moral arbiters at the Sun-Times, you see, believe that mere suspects should lose their legal rights.

"His wife is missing but his $72,000-a-year pension is safe," Dan Rozek and Joe Hosey write.

Outrageous!

How could that be?!

What kind of world are we living in?!

"By law," we learn upon reading further, "Peterson can lose his pension only if convicted of a felony related to his job as a police officer."

Preposterous!

I remember the good old days when being a suspect was enough!

"[T[he police pension board voted 5-0 to authorize the retirement benefits - with trustees saying they had no choice but to approve the payments for the 30-year department veteran."

The Sun-Times, however, voted to revoke Peterson's pension, saying it had no choice but to exploit personal tragedy for commercial gain despite the story's minimal public value.

Karma Comeuppance
Even more pathetic is that the Sun-Times can't even do tabloid right. This morning, the Tribune kicks them across the county.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Like a good wine.

Posted by Lou at 09:16 AM | Permalink

Mystery Debate Theater 2007

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to witness the grand political spectacle that is the presidential debate. This time it was the Democrats in Las Vegas, providing plenty of punnery that we will not inflict on readers, because really, it's too cheap and easy to make jokes about running into Dennis Kucinich at the Hacienda buffet. Andrew brought a six-pack of Pilsner Urquell and a microwave burrito ("Forty-five seconds my arse!"), leaving Tim and Steve to fend for themselves two hours later at the 7-11.

As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and comedy.

*

MODERATOR WOLF BLITZER: So let's begin our questioning tonight, Campbell Brown. Campbell?

STEVE: Her husband works for Mitt Romney.

MODERATOR CAMPBELL BROWN: Senator Clinton, recently in an interview on CNN, you said of the last debate that you weren't at your best that day. You stumbled on an important question involving illegal immigration. But your opponents are saying that that's really part of a larger pattern with you, that you often avoid taking firm positions on controversial issues. And one of your opponents on this stage calls this the politics of parsing. How do you respond to that?

CLINTON: I am aware that some people say that, but I think that the American people know where I've stood for 35 years. I've been fighting for issues affecting women and children, workers and families. I've been fighting for universal health care. And I know that people are looking at this campaign and evaluating us, and I've put forth very specific policies about what I will do as president. It is important that we have a candidate who is tested and a president who is ready to lead from day one.

BLITZER: Let me bring in Senator Obama, because you've been among those critical of Senator Clinton. You've suggested she's triangulating, whatever that means, on some of the key issues; she's running a textbook Washington campaign. What do you mean by that?

OBAMA: Senator Clinton is a capable politician, and she has run a terrific campaign. But what the American people are looking for right now is straight answers to tough questions. And that is not what we've seen out of Senator Clinton on a host of issues, on the issue of driver's licenses for illegal immigrants.

We saw in the last debate that it took not just that debate but two more weeks before we could get a clear answer in terms of where her position was. The same is true on Social Security.

CLINTON: I hear what Senator Obama is saying, and he talks a lot about stepping up and taking responsibility and taking strong positions. But when it came time to step up and decide whether or not he would support universal health care coverage, he chose not to do that. His plan would leave 15 million Americans out. That's about the population of Nevada, Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire.

I have a universal health care plan that covers everyone. I've been fighting this battle against the special interest for more than 15 years. You know, we can have a different politic, but let's not forget here that the people who we're against are not going to be giving up without a fight. The Republicans are not going to vacate the White House voluntarily. We have some big issues ahead of us, and we need someone who is tested and ready to lead.

OBAMA: Well, let's talk about health care right now because the fact of the matter is that I do provide universal health care.

STEVE: No he doesn't.

CLINTON: Wolf, I cannot let that go unanswered.

You know, the most important thing here is to level with the American people. Senator Obama's health care plan does not cover everyone. He starts with children, which is admirable - I helped to create the Children's Health Insurance Program back in 1997.

OBAMA: That's not true, Wolf.

CLINTON: I am committed to making sure every single child is covered. He does not mandate the kind of coverage that I do. And I provide a health care tax credit under my American Health Choices Plan so that every American will be able to afford the health care. I open up the congressional plan. But there is a big difference between Senator Obama and me. He starts from the premise of not reaching universal health care.

[What the New York Times says (briefly) this morning.]

*

BLITZER: I want Senator Edwards to weigh in, because you've spoken about the politics of parsing in your criticism of Senator Clinton. I want you to explain what that means.

EDWARDS: Well, can I say first, nobody on this stage is perfect, and that certainly includes me. And I don't claim perfection, far from it.

What I would say is that the issue is whether we can have a president that can restore trust for the American people in the president of the United States. Because I think this president has destroyed that trust, and I think there are fair questions to be asked of all of us, including Senator Clinton.

Senator Clinton says she will end the war. She also says she will continue to keep combat troops in Iraq and continue combat missions in Iraq. She says she will turn up the heat on George Bush and the Republicans. But when the crucial vote came on stopping Bush, Cheney and the neocons on Iran, she voted with Bush and Cheney.

The most important issue is, she says she will bring change to Washington . . .

STEVE (channeling the tardy Andrew): She'll bring dimes, nickels . . .

*

CLINTON: I don't mind taking hits on my record, on issues, but when somebody starts throwing mud, at least we can hope that it's both accurate and not right out of the Republican playbook because what I - (cheers, applause) - what I believe is important is that we put forth what we stand for. I have been active for 35 years. The American people know where I stand.

You know, Senator Edwards raised health care again. When Senator Edwards ran in 2004, he wasn't for universal health care.

TIM: He wasn't even for himself for president. He was for John Kerry. Talk about a flip-flopper.

BLITZER: I want Senator Biden to weigh in.

BIDEN: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (Laughter.)

MR. BLITZER: I want you to weigh in.

BIDEN: Don't do it. No. Don't make me speak.

BLITZER: What do you think about this exchange among Democrats?

BIDEN: Hey, look, let's get to it, folks. The American people don't give a darn about any of this stuff that's going on up here.

ANDREW: He's getting all Mike Gravel on their ass.

BIDEN: Look, they're sitting down at their table tonight, they've put their kids to bed, and they're worrying about whether or not their child's going to run into a drug dealer on the way to school.

They're worrying about whether or not they're going to be able to pay for their mortgage, because even if they didn't have one of those subprime mortgages, things are looking bad for them. They're worrying about whether they're going to keep their job. And they're worrying about whether their son in the National Guard is going to get killed in Iraq.

STEVE: But they're not interested in health care?

BIDEN: Ladies and gentlemen, look, every political campaign gets to this place. And I'm not criticizing any of the three people who are the ones who always get to talk all the time at these events. (Laughter) I'm not. I'm not. I'm not criticizing. But look, folks, let's get straight to it here. This is not about experience, it's not about change, it's about action.

Who among us is going to be able to on day one step in, end the war. Who among us understands what to do about Pakistan? Who among us is going to pick up the phone and immediately interface with Putin and tell him to lay off Georgia because Saakashvili is in real trouble? Who among us knows what they're doing?

I have 35 years of experience. While everyone's talking about their experience - and Hillary has a great experience, and John and the rest of them - I was passing the Violence Against Women Act. I was passing the crime bill. I was passing . . .

STEVE: The Loggins-Messina-Dodd bill. (see Episode 8)

*

MODERATOR JOHN ROBERTS: Senator Edwards, you have changed your position on several issues. You were for the Yucca Mountain nuclear repository before you were against it. You were for the Iraq war before you were against it. People change their positions. If it's fair for you to change your position, is it not fair for her to change hers?

EDWARDS: It's absolutely fair. But it's absolutely fair for people to learn from their experience and grow and mature and change. Anybody who's not willing to change based on what they learn is ignorant, and everybody ought to be willing to do that.

And I want to add onto something that Joe Biden said. You know, before I came over here tonight, I was thinking, we're going to have this debate; when we finish, all of you are going to be on television saying, oh, who scored points, who won the debate. All of us are going to be fine. The question is, will America be fine?

STEVE: Oh he's so frickin' smarmy. That's why I can't stand him.

EDWARDS: Because what I saw before we came over here on your scroll underneath the screen, 35 million Americans last year went hungry.

STEVE: Or 53. I could go either way.

BLITZER: Senator Dodd, because you made a statement earlier in the week that you're "surprised at just how angry Senator Edwards has become." And you've suggested he's not the same person you once knew.

DODD: First of all, we Democrats have a job to do, and that is to unite this party, attract independents, Republicans who are seeking change to join us 12 months from now and elect a Democrat to the White House and to hold on to the House and Senate. And it's going to take more than just getting people in our own party to support us. We're going to have to reach out.

There's a shrillness to the debate. The American people want results. They want the job done, exactly what Joe Biden talked about here. When people get up in the morning and go to work, they sit around and they worry about their jobs, their retirement, their health care, their kids' education, and they wonder if anybody in Washington is paying any attention to them and whether or not the job is being done on their behalf. And frankly, when a campaign is about turning up the heat or who's angrier or who's yelling louder, the American people turn off, in terms of listening. They want us to come together. They want a president that can lead the country. We want a Democratic candidate who can unite our party, and I think if we waste time on the shrillness of this debate, then we lose the American people.

BLITZER: Governor Richardson, go ahead.

RICHARDSON: By the way, I'm Bill Richardson. I'm the governor of New Mexico. (Laughter, cheers, applause.) Nice to meet you all.

You know, it seems that John wants to start a class war. It seems that Barack wants to start a generational war. It seems that Senator Clinton with all due respect on her plan on Iraq doesn't end the war. And I say that because these are the fundamental issues.

Do our plans end the war? Do our plans make America energy independent? Do our plans give health care to every American? Are we creating jobs and economic growth? Are we resolving the real problems affecting this country? You know, let's stop this mud slinging. Let's stop this going after each other on character, on trust. Let us debate the issues that affect the American and let us be positive. Let's be positive.

STEVE: Oh Lord. He had something good going there. I was with him.

TIM: Until you were against him.

*

BROWN: Senator Obama, I want to ask you about immigration. It's an important issue in this state in particular. There are between 100,000 to 200,000 illegal immigrants here in Nevada. And you've supported various benefits for illegal immigrants, including driver's licenses and in-state college tuition.

What do you say to those Americans who say they are losing out because you would give benefits to people who broke the laws of this country, who came here illegally? And then more generally as president, where do you draw the line when it comes to benefits for illegal immigrants?

OBAMA: I would say that they're justified in feeling frustrated because this administration - the Bush administration - has done nothing to control the problem that we have. We've had 5 million undocumented workers come over the borders since George Bush took office. It has become an extraordinary problem, and the reason the American people are concerned is because they are seeing their own economic position slip away.

And oftentimes employers are exploiting these undocumented workers. They're not paying them minimum wage. They're not observing worker safety laws. And so what we have to do is create a comprehensive solution to the problem.

Now, I have already stated that, as president, I will make sure that we finally have the kind of border security that we need.

STEVE: That means building a fence. Say it! Say it out loud!

OBAMA: Step number two is to take on employers. Right now, an employer has more of a chance of getting hit by lightning than be prosecuted for hiring an undocumented worker.

TIM: More employers need to be hit by lightning. That has to change. That is why I have invented a lightning gun.

*

BLITZER: I take it, Senator Obama, you support giving driver's licenses to illegal immigrants.

OBAMA: When I was a state senator in Illinois, I voted to require that illegal aliens get trained, get a license, get insurance to protect public safety.

STEVE: Because that's what Emil Jones told me to do.

OBAMA: But I have to make sure that people understand the problem we have here is not drivers licenses. Undocumented workers don't come here to drive.

BLITZER: Barring, avoiding, assuming there isn't going to be comprehensive immigration reform, do you support or oppose drivers licenses for illegal immigrants?

OBAMA: I am not proposing that that's what we do. What I'm saying is that we can't - (interrupted by laughter). No, no, no, no, look, I have already said I support the notion that we have to deal with public safety and that drivers licenses at the state level can make that happen.

BLITZER: But this is the kind of question that is sort of available for a yes or no answer. (Laughter, cheers, applause.) Either you support it or you oppose it. Let's go down and get a yes or no from everyone starting with Senator Edwards.

EDWARDS: Tell me again what your question is. (Laughter.)

BLITZER: Do you support drivers licenses for illegal immigrants?

STEVE: Only if they can pass the parallel parking part of the test.

EDWARDS: If we don't have . . .

BLITZER: Assuming we don't. In the absence of comprehensive immigration reform, which doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon, do you support drivers licenses for illegal immigrants?

EDWARDS: No, but I don't accept the proposition that we're not going to have comprehensive immigration reform. What I do support and what I will do as president of the United States is move this country toward comprehensive immigration reform. And anyone who's on the path to earning American citizenship should be able to have a drivers license.

DODD: Well, it's important to put it in context. Obviously, look, clarity is important here. The American people in a debate like this want clarity here, and certainly the whole idea of getting immigration reform, something I strongly support - but I believe part of our job is to discourage those who want to come here. I understand why they want to come, but coming illegally creates serious problems.

BLITZER: So is that a yes or a no?

DODD: No. I think driver's licenses are the wrong thing to be doing in terms of attracting people to come here as undocumented.

BLITZER: Senator Obama, yes or no?

OBAMA: Yes.

BLITZER: Senator Clinton?

CLINTON: No.

BLITZER: Congressman Kucinich?

KUCINICH: I take issue with your description of people being illegal immigrants. There aren't any illegal human beings; that's number one. Number two, they're undocumented. And I believe that the best way to do it is to cancel NAFTA and renegotiate the trade agreement with Mexico.

BLITZER: Well, let me rephrase the question, Congressman.

KUCINICH: You give people a path to legalization, and then they can be legal and have their driver's license. That's the way to work it. That's the way to work it.

RICHARDSON: Well, my answer is yes, and I did it. You know why? Because the Congress -- I notice Barack mentioned the president, but the Congress also failed miserably to pass comprehensive immigration.

BIDEN: No.

STEVE: Well, the whole driver's license thing just got cleaned up for Hillary. They said the same thing she did.

TIM: I won't even get a smart card. They'll know where I'm at.

*

ROBERTS: What is wrong with rewarding a teacher who excels at the job that they're doing by paying them more than an average teacher would make?

STEVE: Assuming we don't get comprehensive education reform, would you allow teachers to get drivers licenses?

*

BLITZER: Congressman Kucinich, are there any issues with teachers' unions, or other unions for that matter, with which you disagree?

TIM: Yeah. They all don't want to make me president.

*

RICHARDSON: I want to be the education president.

STEVE: Who wants to be the journalism president?

*

RICHARDSON: We need to have science and math academies, hire a hundred thousand science and math teachers . . .

TIM: They never talk about literature teachers that way.

*

BLITZER: I want Senator Clinton to weigh in. On the issue of merit pay, if there's a teacher out there who's doing a great job, should that teacher get merit - get a bonus for doing a great job, that individual teacher who works really hard, does a great job educating young people?

STEVE: The president isn't going to micromanage who gets a frickin' raise!

TIM: Senator Clinton, if somebody makes a rolling stop . . .

*

BROWN: Senator Biden, a question on Pakistan. As you know, in the past few weeks Pakistani leader Pervez Musharraf has declared a state of emergency there. He's dismissed several Supreme Court justices. He has recently placed opposition leader Benazir Bhutto under house arrest twice now and imprisoned numerous other dissenters.

And I know you spoke with Musharraf last week. And you, along with several others on this stage, assert that the U.S. should maintain its current level of financial support for Pakistan. Is it your view that there are times when the security of the United States is more important than the way a key ally like Musharraf disregards freedom and disregards democracy?

TIM: Wouldn't it be great if Biden said, You know, I really haven't been following this Pakistan thing. Let's got back to this merit pay stuff for teachers.

BIDEN: First of all, I do not think we should maintain the same aid we're giving. I have made it clear to Musharraf personally, when he called me, and I've spoken personally to Bhutto - before, I might add, the president spoke to either one of them - I spoke to them and I indicated very clearly two things.

One, if he did not take off his uniform, if he did not hold fair and free elections by the middle of January, I would, on the floor of the Senate, move to take away the aid we're giving with regard to F-16s and P-3s, because that's the biggest leverage you have on him within his military. He is not a sole player. He has to keep his military happy as well. I would use that leverage.

TIM: What about all the torturing he's done? Doesn't he get credit for that?

BIDEN: Secondly, I've indicated that what we should do is move from a Musharraf policy to a Pakistan policy. Unlike anyone else, within five days of this happening I laid out a detailed plan. The president hasn't. No one on this stage has.

BLITZER: Governor Richardson, you've suggested cutting off military aid to Pakistan, so long as the Pakistani leader doesn't take these steps to restore the constitution, take off his military uniform, end the national state of emergency and have free and fair elections. But some are worried, including the opposition leader, Benazir Bhutto-- I spoke with her earlier this week - that cutting off military aid to the Pakistan military could undermine U.S. national security.

This is a country that has nuclear weapons. It has a strong Taliban presence, an al Qaeda presence. Are you worried at all that as bad as President Musharraf might be, it could get a whole lot worse over there?

RICHARDSON: I believe that moderate forces can win. So if we're on the side of democracy and human rights and we're on the side of Musharraf having elections, then U.S. interests are preserved and the Pakistani people have a democracy.

BLITZER: What you're saying, Governor, is that human rights, at times, are more important than American national security?

RICHARDSON: Yes.

BLITZER: Senator Obama, is human rights more important than American national security?

OBAMA: The concepts are not contradictory, Wolf.

BLITZER: Because occasionally they could clash.

STEVE: Yeah. What if we're being invaded by a bunch of human rightists?

OBAMA: They are complementary, and I think Pakistan is a great example. Look, we paid $10 billion over the last seven years, and we two goals, deal with terrorism and restore democracy, and we've gotten neither. And Joe and Bill are exactly right on this. Pakistan's democracy would strengthen our battle against extremists. The more we see repression, the more there are no outlets for how people can express themselves and their aspirations, the worse off we're going to be and the more anti-American sentiment there's going to be in the Middle East. We keep on making this mistake.

As president, I will do everything that is required to make sure that nuclear weapons don't fall into the hands of extremists, especially going after al Qaeda in the hills between Afghanistan and Pakistan. But we've got to understand that if we simply prop up anti-democratic practices, that that feeds the sense that America is only concerned about us and that our fates are not tied to these other folks.

And that's going to make us less safe.

BLITZER: Senator Dodd, what's more important when they clash, human rights versus national security?

DODD: Well, first of all, I hope - maybe other people find it as ironic as I do to have President Bush urging the Turks not to invade the Kurdish areas of Iraq and lecturing Musharraf about restoring the constitution. This is an administration that has stepped all over our own Constitution in the process.

BLITZER: So what's more important, human rights or national security?

DODD: Well, obviously national security, keeping the country safe. When you take the oath of office on January 20th . . .

BIDEN: That's right.

DODD: . . . you promise to do two things, and that is to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States and protect our country against enemies both foreign and domestic. The security of the country is number one, obviously, yes, all right?

CLINTON: I agree with that completely. I mean the first obligation of the president of the United States is to protect and defend the United States of America. That doesn't mean that it is to the exclusion of other interests.

And there's absolutely a connection between a democratic regime and heightened security for the United States. That's what's so tragic about this situation. After 9/11, President Bush had a chance to chart a different course, both in Pakistan and in Afghanistan, and could have been very clear about what our expectations were. We are now in a bind, and it is partly - not completely, but partly - a result of the failed policies of the Bush administration.

When I was meet ing with him earlier this year, I asked him if he would accept a high-level presidential envoy to begin to negotiate some of these issues.

He said, yes, I got back; I called the White House; I asked them to send such a high-level envoy. They did not do it; they're going to send one now.

So I mean, you've got to stay on top of this and you have to manage it all the time. That requires presidential attention. We haven't had that, and part of the reason is obvious now.

MR. BLITZER: Thank you, Senator.

John Roberts.

KUCINICH: Hello? Hello?

*

ROBERTS: All right, to Governor Richardson, a military police unit from the Nevada National Guard, stationed about 12 miles from here, just left for its third tour of duty in Iraq . . .

TIM: Then later, a train going 30 miles an hour . . .

*

ROBERTS: I want to talk to you for just a moment here about the effect of the troop increase over there. It's true that 2007 is the deadliest year so far, since 2003, for American forces.

But it's also true that U.S. troop deaths have been declining steadily since the spring. And in fact, in the month of October, they were at their lowest level in nearly two years. At the same time, there has been a marked decline in the number of deaths of Iraqi people . . .

STEVE: He's going, Where is this going? These are the longest questions in debate history.

TIM: He's going, I should not have done that bong hit.

ROBERTS: . . . Is General David Petraeus correct when he says that the troop increase is bringing security to Iraq?

RICHARDSON: The surge is not working. There is less possibility of a political solution. Three out of the 18 benchmarks have been fulfilled. Even among Republican math is a failing grade. Look at this statistic - 65 percent of the Iraqi people now say it's okay to shoot an American soldier.

STEVE: How do they do polls in Iraq? We asked 536 registered Sunnis . . .

BLITZER: Congressman Kucinich, is the troop increase right now . . .

KUCINICH: Excuse me?

BLITZER: Is the troop increase, as General Petraeus has put forward over these past few months, is it working?

KUCINICH: No, the occupation is fueling the insurgency. In 2003, I put forth a plan to get out of Iraq. I'm actually the only one on this stage who voted against the war, voted against funding the war a hundred percent of the time and also who has a plan to bring the troops home, and they should be brought home now.

And let me tell you something. The Democrats in Congress have not done the right thing for the American people. They should tell President Bush we're not going to give you another dime. We're not putting a bill on the floor. Bring them home now.

Also, when you talked about Pakistan you didn't get a chance to me on that question, but I want to point something out to you, Wolf. You cannot look at Pakistan and the destabilization that's occurring in many Muslim nations without understanding the role that our aggression against Iraq has played in contributing to that destabilization.

So I'm speaking about a new policy of strength through peace, no more unilateralism, no more preemption, no more first strike, to open dialogue, diplomacy, adherence to international law.

STEVE: That is so Orwellian, strength through peace.

BLITZER: Senator Obama, is General Petraeus' strategy working?

OBAMA: There is no doubt that because we put American troops in Iraq that they are making a difference in certain neighborhoods.

But the overall strategy is failed, because we have not seen any change in behavior among Iraq's political leaders. And that is the essence of what we should be trying to do in Iraq.

This year we saw the highest casualty rates for American troops in Iraq since this war started. The same, by the way, is true in Afghanistan. If we have seen a lowering violence rate, that's only compared to earlier this year. We're back to where we started back in 2006.

And so the notion that somehow because we've gone from horrific violence to just intolerable levels of violence, and that somehow that justifies George Bush's strategy, is absolutely wrong.

STEVE: That answer is exactly right.

*

BROWN: Congressman Kucinich, we're approaching the holiday season right now and parents across the country are in a panic. They are riffling through their toy boxes, they are throwing things away, because they are so worried that toys, the products coming from China right now are too dangerous for their children.

Do you believe that the people on the stage who voted to fully open trade relations with China bear some of the responsibility for what's going on right now?

KUCINICH: Of course they do; I mean, in the same way that people who voted for the war bear responsibility for what's going on, people who voted for the Patriot Act bear responsibility for what's going on, people who voted for Yucca Mountain bear responsibility.

The fact of the matter is it was well known when China trade came up that China doesn't have environmental quality standards, doesn't have health standards, doesn't have workers' rights, doesn't permit people to form unions. Everyone knew that.

And for someone to come up afterwards - and I think in the last debate I think Hillary Clinton was criticized by John Edwards for some trade-related issue; but the fact of the matter is, John, you voted for China trade understanding that workers were going to be hurt.

Now, you're a trial lawyer. You knew better.

EDWARDS: Well (chuckles), I'm not sure what being a trial lawyer has to do with it . . .

KUCINICH: Product liability.

EDWARDS: . . . America, America's trade, (laughs), cute. Cute, Dennis.

*

OBAMA: You know what Japan does with the Chinese when it comes to, for example, food importation? They send their own inspectors over to China and they set up their own safety system and they say, "If you don't abide by our rules, you can't send food into Japan."

Now, the question is, why doesn't the United States impose these same rules and regulations as Japan has?

TIM: How about this: Food inspectors here in America!

*

BIDEN: Look, it's not the agreement; it's the man. Under the WTO, we can shut this down. What are they all talking about here? It's about a president who won't enforce the law. When they contaminated chicken, what happened? They cut off all chickens going in from Delaware - a $3 billion industry - into China. They cut it off. We have power under the - this agreement. I don't know what anybody's talking about here. Enforce the agreement.

STEVE: Biden can't believe he's losing to these people.

TIM: Not one person mentioned chickens!

*

ROBERTS: Senator Obama, the price of oil is flirting with the $100-a-barrel mark right now, making all the more urgent the need for alternate fuel forces. You support nuclear energy as a part of the plan for the future, but there is an issue of what to do with the waste. You are opposed to the Yucca Mountain nuclear repository about 90 miles from here. Your state gets about 48 percent of its power from nuclear compared to 20 percent for most other states.

Yet you are opposed to bringing nuclear waste from other states and keeping it in Illinois.

The question is, if not in your backyard, whose?

TIM: I deny that Illinois is trying to develop nuclear weapons.

OBAMA: Well, as I've said, I don't think it's fair to send it to Nevada, because we're producing it.

So what we have to do is, we've got to develop the storage capacity based on sound science. Now, laboratories like Argonne in my own home state are trying to develop ways to safely store nuclear waste without having to ship it across the country and put it in somebody else's backyard.

BLITZER: Senator, until there's some new technological breakthrough, as you would hope and all of us would hope, where do you send the waste?

TIM: Make toys out of it.

OBAMA: Right now it is on site in many situations, and that is not the optimal situation,

*

BROWN: But Senator, if I can just ask you, what did you mean at Wellesley when you referred to the boys club?

CLINTON: Campbell. (Laughter.)

BROWN: Just curious.

CLINTON: Well, it is clear, I think, from women's experiences that from time to time, there may be some impediments. (Laughter.)

*

BIDEN: We had a vote in the United States Senate on declaring the [Iranian] Qods Force - their special forces - and the Revolutionary Guard to be a terrorist organization. A lot of people voted for that; 70 some voted for it. It's a serious, serious mistake because what it does, it was completely counterproductive.

What it did was it convinced the rest of the Muslim world this is really a war against Islam and not a war in Iraq; and number two, it caused the price of oil to head to $100 a barrel. We're paying $30 a barrel for what they call a risk premium. And it helped destabilize the situation both in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

So the way to do this is to keep quiet, hush up, and do what I told the president personally and what I've said as chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee. If he takes the country to war in Iran without a vote of Congress, which will not exist, then he should be impeached.

BLITZER: Senator Clinton, you're the only one on the stage who did vote for that resolution. Senator Obama, quickly.

OBAMA: But understand the problem with this vote on the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. It wasn't simply that it was identified as a terrorist organization. It was also that in the language of the resolution it said we should maintain our forces in Iraq with an eye towards blunting Iranian influence. So it's not just going to have an impact in terms of potentially having a war against Iran. It also gives this administration an excuse to perpetuate their failed strategy in Iraq, and that could mean that you could be redeployed in Iraq. That's why this was a mistake, and that's why not only do we have to bring the war in Iraq to a close, but we have to change the mindset that got us into war, which means we initiate - yes, I agree with Hillary that we've got to initiate bold diplomacy. I think the next president has to lead that diplomacy.

BLITZER: Senator, but this was an important vote, and you missed that vote. You weren't present in the Senate when that vote occurred.

OBAMA: No, this is true. And it was a mistake. This is one of the hazards of running for president.

*

MODERATOR SUZANNE MALVEAUX: Senator Edwards, you obviously voted for the Patriot Act, which gives the government extended powers of surveillance. What do you say to people like Mr. Khan, who say he's been abused by that power?

EDWARDS: I say he's right, he's right, and this administration has done more than abuse the Patriot Act.

TIM: Yeah, they've abused the Patriot Act by . . . using it. We never considered that, you know, all these protections that people had that we eliminated, that somehow that would be taken advantage of.

BLITZER: Congressman Kucinich, I believe you're the only person on this stage who had a chance to vote on the Patriot Act right after 9/11, who voted against it right away.

KUCINICH: That's because I read it. (Laughter, cheers.)

TIM: He had time to read it. He got into his time machine.

*

BIDEN: You know, facts are a funny thing; they get in the way. (Laughter.) You know what I mean?

There is nothing in the Patriot Act that allows profiling. Let's get that straight.

Nothing in the Patriot Act allows profiling, number one. You're profiled illegally. I have voted against and worked with legislation with many people on this stage to stop profiling. That's number one. It did not. It's not because of the Patriot Act. It's a convenient thing to talk about, number one.

Number two, you know, when we had a chance to close down Guantanamo, I voted against funding Guantanamo. Other folks up here voted for funding it, including the two leading candidates. I voted to not build the new $36 million part. I called for closing it three years ago.

And so folks, this - but this is not about who was right when, it's what's your plan now? What are you going to do now?

*

OBAMA: I will be very brief on this because, Hillary, I've heard you say this is a trillion-dollar tax cut on the middle class by adjusting the [Social Security tax] cap. Understand that only 6 percent of Americans make more than $97,000 so 6 percent is not the middle class, it's the upper class.

And you know, this is the kind of thing that I would expect from Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani - (laughter, boos, cheers, applause) - where we start playing with numbers in order to try to make a point. (Cheers, applause.) And we can't do that. No, no, no, no, no. This is - this is - this is too important. This is too important for us to pretend that we're using numbers like a trillion-dollar tax cut instead of responsibly dealing with a problem. This is the top 6 percent, and that is not the middle class.

CLINTON: First of all, I think that you meant a tax increase, because that's what it would be. But secondly, it is absolutely the case that there are people who would find that burdensome. I represent firefighters. I represent school supervisors. I'm not talking - I mean, you know, it's different parts of the country. So you have to look at this across the board, and the numbers are staggering.

Now, when people say be specific, I listened very carefully to what Senator Obama said when he appeared on one of the Sunday morning shows, and he basically said that he was for looking at a lot of different things and using a bipartisan commission to do it. I think that's the right answer. That is where I have been from the very beginning.

*

BLITZER: Would you insist that any nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court supported abortion rights for women?

BIDEN: I've presided over more Supreme Court justices than anyone in American history, number one.

STEVE: So he's to blame.

*

BIDEN: I'd start [uniting the country] by ending the war, and I've already gained the respect of my Republican colleagues; the only person that's gotten 75 votes in the United States Senate on a plan to end the war. It's sitting in a drawer. It'll begin the day that I get elected.

Secondly, one of the ways you work in the House and the Senate is over time you gain respect. Find me a Republican on the other side that doesn't respect my judgment and doesn't think I tell them straight up the truth. I've worked with them. I've already done it. I would also include Republicans in my administration. Look, the basic premise you operate on, I reject. The vast majority of Republicans think this war stinks as well. The vast majority of Republicans out there think that our foreign policy is shambles. The vast majority of the Independents think that.

Folks, this is not going to be that hard. This isn't pushing the rope. They're sticking with George Bush out of loyalty, but I promise you I've already brought them along. I brought them along on Bosnia under the administration of Senator Clinton - of President Clinton. I brought them along on the issue of dealing with arms control. I brought them along on the issue of the war in Iraq.

So folks, don't buy into this premise that Republicans - average Republicans and Republican senators - don't agree to this, they do. They're afraid to take on Bush. I will end that. I've already done it, and I would start with ending the war in Iraq with 75 senators -- (off mike). (Cheers, applause.)

*

MALVEAUX: Maria, would you stand, please? Give us your full name.

MARIA: Maria - (inaudible) - and I'm a UNLV student. And my question is for Senator Clinton. This is a fun question for you. Do you prefer diamonds or pearls?

STEVE: Oh please. Pearls, obviously.

*

Beachwood Analysis: In the narrow political sense, Hillary Clinton won the debate by not losing, as is usually the case with a commanding front-runner. But in a substantive sense, the best nights were had by Joe Biden, Chris Dodd and Dennis Kucinich. Biden may not be temperamentally suited to be president, but he's smart and speaks clearly, directly and forcefully. He does have a plan. Many plans, in fact.

Dodd has improved dramatically over the course of these debates and projects as a serious adult and elder statesman who would run a competent, low-risk presidency. With Mike Gravel no longer allowed into the debates, Kucinich stands alone as the the passionate believer unencumbered by the political cynicism of the front-runners who either don't believe or aren't willing to tell us the same truths that he speaks of.

Bill Richardson had perhaps his best night, but it's all relative. He's a mediocre debate presence at best. Great TV commercials, though.

You'd think John Edwards' populist anti-poverty agenda would generate more traction, but there is something smarmy and seemingly insincere about him. And who the hell is he to run for president? He's a lawyer who served one term in the U.S. Senate. He lacks heft, and his attacks on Clinton look increasingly desperate.

Barack Obama scored on the Social Security tax and the failure of the surge to produce a political solution in Iraq, but he was also caught waffling several times and - despite the hype - is a boring speaker lacking presence in these forums. Rock star? Hardly.

Hillary Clinton's performance mirrored that of the debate in general; she started out strong and then settled into a comfortable and sometimes numbing safety zone, while Biden and Kucinich took over in the sparks department.

Tim was better than all of them.

*

See the boxed set of Mystery Debate Theater 2007.

Posted by Lou at 06:48 AM | Permalink

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

The Bears have finally figured out the offensive formula that works for them: Keeping it simple. Brian Griese is too complicated to be the Bears' quarterback; he's a thinker, and he knows the entire playbook. Rex Grossman knows how to win with one quick strike and go home. One-dimensional is the name of the game. Just look at Cedric Benson. I think the Bears like how he just runs into the line and falls down. Don't get too fancy. Let the defense do its thing.

And can everyone get off Brian Urlacher's case? One-word answers suit him. Stop filling his head with complete sentences. Simple, people. Keep it simple. That's the Bears way.

Of course, Devin Hester is the exception, but the Bears are working really hard to get him to the Pro Bowl as Starting Decoy. He'll pick it up soon enough.

Here are some other examples of the Bears simple ways.

*

Complicated: Bill Belichick's sophisticated video spying system.
Simple: Bears advance scouting newspaper-reading sessions.

*

Complicated: Bill Walsh's West Coast Offense.
Simple: Ron Turner's Midwest Athletic Conference Offense.

*

Complicated: The Tampa 2 Cover Defense.
Simple: The Chicago 2 Uncovered Defense.

*

Complicated: Randy Moss.
Simple: Bernard Berrian.

*

Complicated: A Terrell Owens interview.
Simple: A Brian Urlacher interview.

*

Complicated: The way the Patriots have bounced back from the 1986 Super Bowl.
Simple: The way the Bears haven't bounced back from the 1986 Super Bowl.

*

Of course, to every rule, there is an exception. Here is the Bears':

Complicated for the Bears: The center-quarterback exchange.
Simple for everyone else: The center-quarterback exchange.

-

Bears at Seahawks
Storyline: Last week, Seattle leaned on their average passing game to make up for their crappy running game. On the other hand, Chicago leaned on their punter and one big play to make up for their crappy running game.
Reality: On any given Sunday, one crappy team can beat another in today's NFL.

Pick: Bears Plus 5.5 Points, Under 37.5 Points Scored.

*

Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 30%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 20%

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 12:53 AM | Permalink

November 15, 2007

The [Thursday] Papers

The mayor is playing a sly game when it comes to the CTA funding crisis. Where, for example, is the Daley Plan?

There isn't one.

It's all the state's fault.

Last time I looked, it wasn't called the Illinois Transit Authority.

That's not to say the state doesn't have - by far - the biggest funding role to play here. But waiting for Rod Blagojevich to save the day is like waiting for the Sun-Times to show some pride and restraint on the Stacy Peterson story. It ain't gonna happen.

So where is the Daley Plan?

After all, it's his constituents who ride the CTA.

And curiously, the budget that the mayor just passed contains no new increases in the city's measly share of CTA funding - a share which hasn't changed in Daley's 18 years in office. Given inflation, that means the city actually contributes less to the CTA now than it did when Daley took office.

We're getting new libraries, though!

Daley met with the governor and state legislative leaders on Wednesday and pulled another fast one.

"Daley lasted only about an hour before making his excuses to leave, telling reporters outside he was 'very optimistic' about reaching a CTA deal," Mark Brown writes, "only to have City Hall put out the word later that he actually left in frustration because the discussion kept veering off to casino gambling."

In other words, the mayor was lying when he talked to reporters after the meeting. And then he found it politically useful to send word through channels to reporters that he was secretly seething.

See how he plays 'em?

And then he gets a big front-page headline about walking out of a meeting with the feckless governor. Not Daley's fault.

That's leadership.

And the media tripped all over itself.

"Mayor Daley on Wednesday disgustedly walked out of a transit summit by Gov. Blagojevich," the Sun-Times reports this morning.

In the very next paragraph, however, the paper states that "Daley didn't leave those who attended the closed-door session with the impression he was upset."

The paper depends on "City Hall sources" for the spin that "Daley departed angry and frustrated."

While noting that "publicly, the mayor said he was 'very optimistic.'"

What really seems clear is that Daley has avoided becoming personally involved in CTA negotiations to evade the taint of a bad situation, and that he only attended the "summit" yesterday because he was boxed into it. He attended for show, stayed less than an hour, lied to reporters, and then spun the storyline his way.

Bravo.

So where were we again? Oh yeah, the CTA crisis. It still exists. And the mayor has no plan.

Breaking News!
"Stop The Whining!

"Are you a chronic complainer?

"Nesita Kwan shows you how to avoid The Complaint Addiction."

Tonight on NBC5 "News."

Searching For Stacy
If only the media spent as much energy trying to locate the missing person who hired Angelo Torres as it's spending on The Search for Stacy.

I hope Drew Peterson is innocent just to spite them.

Body Odor
The Sun-Times reports this morning on evaluations of Drew Peterson's Today show appearance by body language experts.

That's a full day of reporting we can never get back.

My favorite conclusion was this one: "Is he guilty of the disappearance? I don't know. Is he acting out of character for a normal person, very much so."

Um, how does a normal person being accused on national TV of offing two of his wives act? Out of character, perhaps?

Naive Melody
The Sun-Times editorial page this morning hails the so-called new feistiness of the Chicago City Council, as allegedly evidenced by the 21 votes cast against the mayor's property tax increase.

Earth to Sun-Times!

Many of those 21 votes would have gone in the mayor's favor if he really needed them. That's how the game is played. Daley allowed several of those aldermen to vote against the tax increase for their own political reasons. There is no uprising.

Corn Meal
The executive editor of the Dubuque Telegraph-Herald responding last summer to John Kass and his crusade for a Chicago cop now in an Iowa prison:

"I'm not a lawyer or a judge. Assigning or absolving guilt in an alcohol-fueled altercation is not easy. Kass managed to do that, and I suppose that talent is one reason why he works in Tribune Tower and I hang out at Eighth and Bluff.

"But I do know many folks involved in law enforcement and the courts here, and I don't believe that they are 'homers,' blindly taking the side of the local subject over an out-of-towner.

"A couple of local defense attorneys told me that one under-emphasized issue in all this is mandatory sentencing. Even Gallagher says there was no appetite for sending a cop to prison. But that is required under Iowa law.

"Mette is scheduled to report to prison - a more dangerous scenario than usual, given his occupation - in a few months. He is expected to appeal the conviction. As the case plays out, expect more criticism of Dubuque and Iowa. And references to pigs and corn."

*

Kass wrote earlier this month that "the spinners . . . say I'm not giving you the whole story, and the spinning continues, by the prosecutors in Dubuque, and by some in Illinois who hate cops for being cops and so lump Mike in with the rotten ones under investigation in the Chicago Police Department."

I invite John to name just who in Illinois hates cops for being cops. Who? Who are you referring to?

Meantime, I invite readers to once again read the last item here, "Kass's Cop," and decide for yourself.

Our Joyous Future
Let's try this again. And be sure to click on the artist's name.

Jail Bait
Maybe Phillip Radmer should be assigned to fix the CTA crisis.

"A disbarred Berwyn lawyer awaiting sentencing for selling vacant lots that belonged to a Chicago church pulled off a similar scam while incarcerated in Cook County Jail," the Tribune reports.

"In the latest bogus transacation, Philip Radmer sold property on the city's West Side that belonged to Providence-St. Mel School - without the school's knowledge - to a savvy real estate investor and developer.

"Even as Radmer sat in jail, $55,000 went to a company he ran."

You have to give the guy credit, don't you?

Cryin' Ryan
Maybe George Ryan - now hard at work trying to find the real killer - and his lawyer pals Jim Thompson and Dan Webb (who has been mysteriously absent from public view, no?) should watch Nesita Kwan's report tonight about whining.

Or they could just read the Op-Ed by former federal prosecutors Patrick Collins and Zachary Fardon published in the Tribune today and admit they're wrong.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Chronic complainers only.

Posted by Lou at 07:35 AM | Permalink

Over/Under

This is the time of year when pro football fans get out their calculators and try to decipher which teams are and are not in the wild-card race. In today's NFL, you see, you generally have four teams worthy of a Super Bowl appearance and another dozen good enough to get crushed in the playoffs by those four teams.

Which teams will be just good enough for such a crushing? Well, in recent years the formula has gotten more complicated. The league now takes demographic data of each team's city into account. Let's take a look.

*

Washington: Most Murderous 7th, Brain Power 8th, Worst Work Commute 2nd.
Beachwood Analysis: Players enjoy killing people and they are pretty smart about it. The only problem is that they spend a whole lot of time in the car between killings.

*

Detroit: Fattest 9th, Most Murderous 1st, Most Sedentary 4th, Lowest Brain Power 3rd
Beachwood Analysis: Players not satisfied to kill people just by sitting on them.

*

New York (Giants): Brain Power 32nd, Worst Work Commute 1st, Greenest City 6th
Beachwood Analysis: Players spend too much time parked in their cars looking at trees.

*

Jacksonville: - Skin Cancer 75th, Most Sedentary 8th, Brain Power, 33rd
Beachwood Analysis: Players not smart enough to lie down indoors.

*

Cleveland: Junk Food Capital, Most Sedentary 19th, Lowest Brain Power 2nd
Beachwood Analysis: One word: Funyuns.

*

Buffalo: Skin Cancer 2nd, Most Murderous 10th, Best Work Commute
Beachwood Analysis: Players enjoy drive-by shootings.

-

OverHyped Game of the Week: Redskins at Cowboys
Storyline: Hey! Remember when both teams were good? They both have winning records! Remember when the Redskins fans stomped and chanted "We Want the Cowboys?" We have that on file!
Reality: Like milk and gas, Washington's win totals are suffering from inflation.

Pick: Dallas Minus 10.5 Points, Over 47 Points Scored.

*

UnderHyped Game of the Week: Giants at Lions
Storyline: Three things happen this time of year: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the utter collapse of the Giants.
Reality: Like any guy, I thoroughly enjoy the "I'm not happy, I'm about to tear up" look of Tom Coughlin. Questions like "When are you going run this train off the tracks?" have only increased the pressure on the Giants. Here's the thing: The Giants are pretty healthy and pretty good on defense.

Pick: Giants Plus 3 Points, Under 49.5 Points Scored.

*

Results:
Last week: 3-3 (0-3 Against the Spread, 3-0 Over/Under)
Season: 25-33 (10-19 Against the Spread, 15-14 Over/Under)

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 12:33 AM | Permalink

The Periodical Table

A weekly look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

Uncle Thomas
The psychological stewpot that is Clarence Thomas is on display once again in Jeffrey Toobin's review in The New Yorker of Thomas's memoir, My Grandfather's Son. Yet, what is lacking in Toobin's otherwise fine work is what has been lacking in every review of Thomas's memoir that I've seen: The fact that the case against Thomas has been proven; the meticulously reported facts are in and Thomas is, in fact, a lout.

Not only that, but Thomas is Exhibit A in the abuse of affirmative action as a political tool for window-dressing, which is not to be confused with an attack on affirmative action. Of all the fine legal minds in America who happen to be African American and could bring a badly needed vantage point to the Supreme Court, we get this guy? Ironies abound.

In short, I'm not sure there is a shoulder big enough to support the chip Clarence is carrying around. And it's not just racial.

Thomas - like George W. Bush - appears to be a dry drunk who was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Left untreated, the psychological ramifications of each infect everyone around the victim - in this case, America.

Abandoned by a father he never had the chance to know, and by an impovershed mother unable to care for him and his brother, Thomas was raised by a stern grandfather who "imposed a life of grim discipline. Chores and schoolwork had priority over everything else in the Anderson household, and Myers never wanted to hear any excuses. 'Old Man Can't is dead - I helped bury him,' he would tell his grandsons. Thomas notes, 'He never praised us, just as he never hugged us.' Beatings with belt or switch were frequent. Eventually, Thomas writes, Anderson bought a new truck for his business, but he took out the heater. 'The warmth, he said, would only make us lazy.'"

This is textbook stuff, people. Psych 101. As we shall see.

"Throughout much of the book," Toobin writes, "especially the first half, Thomas paints an unsparing portrait of the way he conducted his personal life. Well into adulthood, he was incapable of managing his financial affairs. In one excruciating scene, which takes place when he was the director of the EEOC, he stands at a rent-a-car counter at Logan Airport, in Boston, while the clerk, after running a check on Thomas's credit card, is directed to cut it into pieces on the spot.

"Nor does Thomas make many claims for himself as a husband to his first wife, whom he met at Holy Cross before he started at the Department of Education.'

Conservatives are so predictable. They're the ones whose personal lives are a mess and whose vices are out of control.

"Most notably, Thomas portrays himself as something close to an alcoholic," Toobin continues. "From the Ripple wine he drank in his youth to the Scotch and Drambuie he abused as an adult, Thomas frankly admits to using alcohol to deaden the pain and anger that dominated his life."

Later, Toobin writes that during the time when he was Anita Hill's boss he was "by his own admission, drinking heavily, single and dating, and generally in despair about his personal life."

Ironically, "Thomas's portrait of the woman he calls his 'most traitorous adversary' is venomous and implausible. When she became a public figure, Hill was widely portrayed as demure, God-fearing, and politically moderate. According to Thomas, she was none of those things . . . By the time Thomas met his second wife, Virginia, in 1986, with whom he has clearly been very happy, Hill had left the agency to teach law at Oral Roberts University (an unlikely destination for someone who was, as Thomas has it, a godless, partisan Democrat)."

*

At one point Toobin wonders whether Thomas is dishonest or delusional. Either, you would think, would be unacceptable on the Supreme Court.

"In 1989, he was hardly an obvious candidate for the court of appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, which is generally regarded as second in importance only to the Supreme Court. Just forty-one years old, Thomas had never tried a case, or argued an appeal, in any federal court, much less in the high-powered D.C. Circuit; the last time Thomas had appeared in any courtroom was when he was a junior attorney in Missouri; he had never produced any scholarly work; his tenure at the E.E.O.C., although respectable, did not mark him as a notable innovator in the federal bureaucracy. He was, in short, a black conservative in an Administration with very few of them. That's why he got the job.

"And that's also why, in 1991, after Thomas had been a judge for just sixteen months, Bush named him to replace Thurgood Marshall on the Supreme Court. At a press conference in Kennebunkport, when the President introduced Thomas to the nation, Bush said that the young judge was 'the best qualified' nominee for the Court - a self-evidently preposterous statement. Indeed, in his book Thomas says, 'Even I had my doubts about so extravagant a claim,' so he took it upon himself to ask C. Boyden Gray, Bush's White House counsel, if he had been picked because he was black. According to Thomas, 'Boyden replied that in fact my race had actually worked against me.'"

I'd say delusional, leading to dishonesty not only with the public but with himself.

Heroin Chic
"Khun Sa (Chang Chi-fu), master of the heroin trade, died on October 26th, aged 73," The Economist notes in a fascinating obituary. "The Americans put $2m on Khun Sa's head, for good reason. Over the two decades of his unrivaled hegemony in the Shan state, from 1974 to 1994, the share of New York street heroin coming from the Golden Triangle - the northern parts of Myanmar, Thailand, and Laos - rose from 5 percent to 80 percent. It was 90 percent pure, 'the best in the business,' according to the Drug Enforcement Administration. And Khun Sa, the DEA thought, had 45 percent of that trade."

*

"In 1977, he offered the Americans his entire opium crop: buy it, he challenged them, take it off the market, and give me the money for my people. The Americans, instead, indicted him for trafficking."

Fallow Field
I blame the publication more than the candidates, but The Nation's cover package in which each Democratic presidential candidate gets an endorsement column from a Nation contributor is wholly unpersuasive for each and every one of them. In fact, it's dreadful.

*

"In 2005 Scalia was asked at an appearance at a New York synagogue to compare his own judicial philosophy with that of Thomas," Jon Weiner writes. "Jeffrey Toobin was in the audience, and in his new and fascinating book The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court, he reports Scalia's answer: 'I am an originalist, but I am not a nut.'"

Posted by Lou at 12:33 AM | Permalink

November 14, 2007

The [Wednesday] Papers

Maybe we should tax the mayor every time he giggles, smirks or otherwise acts like a petulant child. We'd have a surplus in no time.

As heard on the video shown on Chicago Tonight last night of Ald. Ike Carothers' stirring speech about how much hard work it took to defy constituents and vote in favor of the mayor's property tax hike, Mayor Giggles hee-hee'd his way through a 29-21 vote in his favor.

Just before he banged his gavel to make it official, he crowed "The weightlifters win."

At first I thought it was just Olympic fever, but it was really the mayor's cutesy way of endorsing Carothers' cockamamie notion that those voting against the mayor's tax hikes were taking the easy way out because they would still benefit from the additional revenue that would be spent in their wards.

As Cate Plys points out today in her second Open Letter this week to the city council, Carothers (and the mayor) seems to forget that the additional taxes will also be levied in those wards just the same as wards where aldermen voted No. So, you see, everyone will feel the pain.

Of course, the real heavy lifters are the honest citizens paying the freight for City Hall's scandals, police department brutality settlements, and 18 years of massively overdue, overbudget and misguided projects.

And, by the way, the budget that passed (separately from the tax hikes by a 37-13 margin) includes (taxpayer-bankrolled) raises for aldermen (who will now make $104,101) and a $40,000 increase in their office allowances.

Heavy lifting, indeed.

Daley Logic
The mayor accused aldermen who voted against the tax increases but in favor of the budget of playing politics: "Everybody's running for something . . . They're all positioning themselves."

He should know.

"The mayor, who was elected to a sixth term in February, has followed a pattern of proposing tax and fee increases for the budget years immediately following elections in which he and the aldermen have won new four-year terms," the Tribune reports. "Last fall, leading up to the February city election, Daley won unanimous approval of a budget that didn't raise taxes."

And whaddya know?

"Daley and Budget Director Bennett Johnson assured alderman that, now that they've walked the tax plank, they won't have to do it again until after the 2011 election," the Sun-Times reports.

*

To steal a word from our very own Julia Gray, Mayor Daley is a klassy guy. A role model for the children.

*

This just in: Audio of the mayor from the council floor.

Our Joyous Future
My kind of church.

Pervez Daley
"Mayor Richard Daley said Tuesday that he has been interviewing candidates for the Chicago police superintendent vacancy, even though a search committee hasn't yet submitted a short list of candidates for him to consider," the Tribune reports.

What?!!

Shouldn't this be front page news? The mayor is subverting the search process by rendering the committee charged with whittling down the list of candidates moot?

"Among the finalists appears to be Louisville Police Chief Robert White, who told the Louisville mayor that he is on a 'short list' for Chicago's top cop, the Louisville mayor's spokesman confirmed Tuesday."

A) There's a short list?
B) He ain't on it anymore. Loose lips, Robert . . .

"When asked if he was interviewing candidates before the three finalists had been submitted, Daley said, 'I've listened - listened to anyone, look at their resumes, all that."

So he's just listening. There's a short list of candidates he's just listening to, should they drop by his office.

You know, maybe the real news of the day is the fact that the city council voted on the budget in the first place. Daley's probably been collecting the additional taxes for months.

Breakfast Club Maxim
"When you grow up, your heart dies."

Zell's Bells
Take Sam Zell, for example.

1. His favorite columnist.

2. Why you don't want him owning your local newspaper.

Cardinal Sin
Carol Marin on why Cardinal George is a royal dick.

Onion or Catholic Church?
"Bishop: I Was More Worried About Priest's Drinking; Backed Ordaining McCormack Despite Reports of Sex 'Improprieties'"

Catholic Church.

Now Hiring
A Beachwood masseuse. Be inspired!

Options available.

Googley Oogley
"At Google, the sensibility is more nuanced [than Microsoft], they say. 'It isn't considered Googley to check the stock price,' said an engineer, using the Google jargon for what is acceptable in the company's culture. As a result, there is a bold insistence, at least on the surface, that the stock price does not matter, said the engineer, who did not want to be named because it is considered unseemly to discuss the price . . .

"It's very clear that people are taking nicer vacations, said one Google engineer, who asked not to be identified because it is also not Googley to talk about personal fortunes at the company. "

*

New Google employees are called Nooglers.

Snail Mail
"Dear Steve Rhodes,

"Your Postal Store order has been carefully packaged and shipped Priority Mail to your destination."

Um, yeah. I got it last week.

The Beachwood Tip Line: In all kinds of weather.

Posted by Lou at 07:14 AM | Permalink

Reviewing the Reviews

Publication: Tribune

Cover: A quill to represent a book about the Founders.

Other Reviews & News of Note: Of course not.

*

Publication: Sun-Times

Cover: "Studs on Studs," a review by Carol Marin of Studs Terkel's memoir, Touch And Go.

"At last," Marin writes in a beautiful piece, "Studs Terkel has turned his trusty tape recorder on himself."

Noted: "Terkel celebrates the gritty stars of Chicago, like City on the Make author Nelson Algren and legendary columnist Mike Royko, men who sugarcoated nothing. Then again, neither did Terkel's social activist wife, Ida, to whom he dedicates a chapter, telling the story of how Ida one day silenced the mighty Royko, who was on a rant about a certain ethnic group. The small, normally soft-spoken Ida had two words for Royko, the first of which is unprintable in this newspaper, the second of which is 'off.' Royko shut up."

Other Reviews & News of Note: "Chicago firefighter Kevin Helmond writes an action-packed novel with what could be his literary alter ego."

*

Publication: New York Times

Cover: "The Colossus," a review of A Life Of Picasso

Other Reviews & News of Note: The most important piece of the week - and beyond - appears on the very last page of the New York Times's book review: Matt Bai's essay on Richard Ben Cramer's epic work about the 1988 presidential campaign, What It Takes.

Unfortunately, Bai - a former Newsweek reporter who now writes about national politics for the Times magazine - seems to miss one of the major points of Cramer's seminal work, as well as the point of classic campaign books such as The Boys on the Bus and Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72. After all, the boys on the bus are the press. And they are not treated favorably.

The real achievement of Cramer's book was to provide amazing - and by all accounts accurate - psychological profiles of six presidential candidates whom, it could be said, we really barely knew despite the reams of media attention showered upon them all.

That's because Cramer's 1,000 pages of reporting revealed how dysfunctional, shallow, incompetent and mediocre our political press corps really is.

Cramer's book wasn't published until 1992; it wasn't intended as a tell-all or colorful road journal. It was a lesson; one the media still hasn't learned.

Cramer takes great glee - and anger - attacking those in the press he calls the Karacter Kops, whose moral judgements about apparent (and sometimes mythical) personal and human failings have everything to do with the trivial and nothing to do with the substance of being the president.

Laments about the lack of substance in our process are achingly familiar, of course, but Cramer's detailed reporting leaves the media in shambles, though many members of the media, like Bai, still don't seem to get it - just as Boys on the Bus was an indictment of a sheepish media afraid to rely on its own eyes when preconceived notions and established narratives were much easier (and better office politics) to convey.

This is the political reporting of how potato is spelled and Al Gore alleged exaggerations, spun out of whole cloth by, as critic Bob Somerby puts it, media clowns dumbing down your discourse and feeding you its blinded, stupid judgements that rely on cocktail party chatter and caricature and dismiss actual reporting. (You could say the same thing about the coverage leading to the Iraq War.)

One of Cramer's central points is that the media uses (often fabricated) incidents such as Dan Quayle's misspelled potato and the Internet claim Gore never made to tell you what they really want you to know about a candidate: They can't just come out and say Dan Quayle is stupid or Al Gore is . . . well, whatever they were trying to tell you about Al Gore. (The idea that he's a stiff was old and inaccurate news; by Bill Clinton's re-election campaign Gore had turned into a hilarious orator. On the other hand, Obama is a bore but nobody wants to say so.)

You can see examples of this to this day. As the waitress at the Iowa Maid-Rite said of the Hillary Clinton tip flap, "You people are really nuts." That's right; there's a war going on and the press is focused like a laser on what kind of tip Clinton's campaign did or did not leave.

Of course, the Clintons are a prime example of where this tendency described by Cramer headed. The Clinton Administration was certainly fallible, but it wasn't, on the whole, corrupt. None of the so-called Clinton scandals amounted to anything, a phenomenon documented best by Gene Lyons in Fools For Scandal, but Hillary Clinton was so damaged by the right-wing media conspiracy led by the likes of Richard Mellon Scaife that did learn the lessons Cramer spoke of and fed the lunacy into the mainstream news that now candidates like Saint Obama are saying that "it may not be fair" but Hillary Clinton isn't electable because the right-wing did such a good smear job on her, so let's just give that to them and move on.

There are plenty of reasons to vote for someone other than Hillary Clinton without validating the exact kind of politics that Obama - he of Daley, Rezko, Stroger and Lieberman - pretends to eschew.

What It Takes ought to be required reading in every newsroom in America. Unfortunately, the press will lap up the juicy details and fail to see the larger point of their own incompetence.

*

CHARTS

1. Stephen Colbert
2. Eric Clapton
3. Clarence Thomas
4. Navy Seal
5. Alan Greenspan
6. Valerie Plame Wilson

Posted by Lou at 01:36 AM | Permalink

Howie Pyro's Awesome Record Collection

There is an uncharted and obscure spot in the rock 'n' roll spectrum where the Addams Family, Muscle Beach, novelty drive-in speakers, furious rockabilly, true soul shouting and high-booted go-go girls all meet up in an acidy haze, where fuzz guitars and B-movie posters screaming sex and blood light the way to what seems an exit, but when you burst through it leads only to a scene from a William Castle cheese-fest as seen through Roy Orbison's sunglasses. Yes, you're in too deep in the frightening, monstrous and ultracool retro world of DJ Howie Pyro and his Intoxica Radio show, webcast weekly on LuxuriaMusic.com and available as a podcast.

The Intoxica podcast is a terrific sampling of Howie Pyro's all-vinyl record collection of more than 30,000 titles, most of which seem to come down on the '60s hot rod, French pop, surf, garage, old-school funk and punk, monster music and off-kilter space-age lounge tips. In other words, pure gold! Howie's between-songs patter is pretty demented but matter-of-fact at the same time, his music-guy ramblings just long enough to spark interest and short enough to avoid a punch to the fast-forward button.

Which is pretty cool, because Howie could have a lot to say if he let himself. As a 16-year-old in the late '70s he formed a punk rock outfit called the Blessed, and regularly shared the New York scene with such damaged luminaries as Johnny Thunders and Sid Vicious at CBGB's and Max's Kansas City. In the mid-'80s, he was at the forefront of the first wave of '60s garage rock revivalism with the band Freaks, which he formed with his wife Andrea Kusten. They relocated to Los Angeles, and after more bands (D Generation, PCP Highway) and a two-year stint in Danzig, Howie now concentrates on his obsessive collecting of old vinyl, books, record covers and movie posters.

As his friend and L7 co-founder Donita Sparks said on the Firedoglake blog, Howie hauls around tons of old records while hosting some of the best DJ gigs in L.A., and is reflecting a trend - least in the UK - that is seeing a marked rise in the sales of seven-inch vinyl singles even as digital downloads are cutting into the record industry as a whole:

"Whenever Howie has to move apartments it's a huge undertaking. The guy has (tens of thousands of) records. He tells me that the hardest part of a DJ gig is creating the set in his head before the event and physically pulling out the records. He doesn't use an iPod or laptop. Sometimes a CD player, but 90 percent of the time it's vinyl. He feels that when the needle hits the disc it actually comes alive, far more than hitting a play button. Obviously the young'uns in the UK feel the same way. Let's hope it spreads a little bit."

I'm hoping right along with you, Donita. Take a look at the Intoxica playlist from the Nov. 6, 2007 show, and see if it isn't the go-goin'est.

1. The Revels, "Intoxica"

2. Pretty Boy, "Switchen in the Kitchen"

3. Big Danny Oliver, "Sapphire"

4. The Pyramids, "Shakin' Fit"

5. Gardenias, "Houdini"

6. Trig Richards & the Jokers, "Hollywood Cat"

7. Rene Hall's Orchestra featuring Willie Joe, "Twitchy"

8. King Rock & the Knights, "Scandal"

9. Dick Dixon & the Roommates, "The Caterpillar Crawl"

10. Tony March & Bill David's Rockets, "Show Down"

11. Silvertones, "Get It"

12. Marvin Rainwater, "Boo Hoo"

13. Sonny Gee & the Standells, "Tidal Wave"

14. Roy Orbison, "Twinkle Toes"

15. Andy & the Manhattans, "Double Mirror Wraparound Shades"

16. Chuck Reed, "Talkin' No Trash"

17. Jerry & the Radiants, "Trash"

18. Frank Furter & His Hot Dogs, "The Green Weenie"

19. Johnny Valor w/Prince Valiant & the Knights, "Green Weenie Dog"

20. P.J. & His Headliners, "What's So Funny?"

21. Tony Farrell, "Stumpy Stump"

22. Pat Kelly, "The Stranger Dressed in Black"

23. Pat Kelly, "She's a Devil"

24. Phil Johns & the Lonely Ones, "Ballad of a Juvenile Delinquent"

25. Clyde Stacy & the Nitecaps, "So Young"

26. The Twilighters, "Rollerland"

27. Rex Garvin & the Mighty Cravers, "Believe It or Not"

28. Paul Steffen & the Apollos, "The Devil's Soul Is Black"

29. Elijah & the Ebonies, "Hot Grits"

30. Syl Johnson, "Annie Got Hot Pants Power Part I"

31. Danny Freeman & the Soul Superiors, "Jungle Walk"

32. Robert Parker, "All Night Long Part 2"

33. Jay Jay Imus & Freddy Ford, "The Boogala"

34. Jimmy McGriff, "Discotheque USA"

35. Twistin' Jackie & His Gang, "Twistziek"

36. The Epics, "Twistin' Shout Part I"

37. The Epics, "Twistin' Shout Part 2"

38. Dr. Ken Basey & the Hypo-Dermics, "Operation Twisted"

39. Johnny Beeman, "Laughin' Beatnick"

*

From the Beachwood jukebox to Marfa Public Radio, we have the playlists you need to be a better citizen.

Posted by Don at 12:58 AM | Permalink

The [Sam Zell] Papers

While Sam Zell's deal to buy Tribune Company still hangs in the balance, a profile of Zell in The New Yorker makes it clear that he's not the kind of guy you'd like own your local newspaper. Let's take a look at both that profile, Zell the Party Animal, and Zell the Evil Mobile Home Landlord.

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Rough Rider
"When some of Zell's friends heard about the deal, they were surprised that he wanted to enter the newspaper business - and at a moment when it is struggling to survive. One friend told me that he thought Zell may have been motivated, at least in part, by his love of Chicago, where he has lived all his life; a growing interest in cultural and civic affairs (his third wife, Helen, is the chairwoman of the board of trustees of the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago); and a realization that he has made more money than he can ever spend. Forbes recently named him the wealthiest person in Chicago, with an estimated net worth of six billion dollars.

"However, Maggie Wilderotter, who is the chairwoman and C.E.O. of Citizens Communications and has sat on the boards of three of Zell's firms, said that she had spoken with him many times about Tribune Company before he made his bid, and that high-minded considerations played no part in his thinking. 'An important part of the Tribune portfolio is TV stations,' Wilderotter said. 'He's buying a media company that has assets other than newspapers.'

"[Ron] Burkle and [Eli] Broad told Tribune's directors that they were eager to preserve the newspapers' public-service role, which they believed was increasingly jeopardized by owners who were focussed solely on profitability. The media mogul David Geffen, who offered Tribune two billion dollars for the L.A. Times in 2006, made a similar argument. 'But that's not what drives Sam,' Wilderotter said. 'His thought process throughout this whole thing has always been about the business proposition. I never, ever heard Sam say, I'm doing this because I love the Chicago Tribune, or I'm committed to the city of Chicago. It would have been totally out of character."

Or, one might say, it might display character.

*

"The way I look at transactions, and the way I look at risk, I have no room for sentiment," Zell says.

Like journalism values.

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This I like.

"Early in his career, [Zell] decided that he would not bow to convention in his speech or his attire. In the seventies, he would sometimes wear a red polyester jumpsuit and a gold chain to meetings with bankers. He once said that if you dress oddly and you're really good at what you do you're seen as eccentric; but if you're not so good you're seen as a schmuck."

Journalism is in large part about piercing appearances to reveal reality, but I'm not sure anyone is more obsessed with appearances in our society than the media, who like to dispense advice to pols and corporations about how best to create appearances to better manipulate the masses.

*

"Zell is easily provoked. He has frequently castigated analysts who have been critical of one of his companies. At a recent dinner party, the mention of Hillary Clinton's name prompted him to use a four-letter obscenity to describe her."

The word reportedly was cunt. Of course, if Hillary Clinton were a businessman Zell would probably have great admiration for her/him.

*

I wonder what this might mean for Tribune Company's ethics policies.

"A couple of years ago, Zell's close friend Will Weinstein, a money manager who was teaching at the University of Hawaii, asked Zell to address a class on business ethics. Several of Enron's leading executives were on trial at the time, for fraud and other crimes. Weinstein had opened the session to the public, and someone in the audience asked Zell whether, in the current environment, 'where some seem to be doing almost anything to be profitable, does not the concept of "business ethics" seem to be an oxymoron? And do you accept that there is a concept of greed? And how would you define it?'

"'Jesus Christ!' Zell replied. 'I mean, would you like a pulpit as well? I mean, when does the indictment come out? I mean, are people in the business community different from you, or you, or you?' He pointed angrily at the questioner and others nearby. 'C'mon! We're talking about weaknesses and we're talking about strengths! Are human ethics an oxymoron? I don't think so. Neither do I think business ethics are an oxymoron. It's real fun to take a shot at the business community. After all, those motherfuckers are getting all the money, right? But let me tell you something: I'll put my work schedule against anybody you know, including you, and I work my ass off every day! The idea that somehow or other the business community is full of all these greedy characters - you should see the greed in teachers' unions! You should see the greed in any political organization! Business is made up of a whole group of individuals, and within that group there are straight people, there are not-straight people, and then there's a whole bunch of us in the middle, who some days are straight and some days we're not.'

"Weinstein looked alarmed. 'You're not honestly putting yourself in that middle category?'

"'Oh sure, why not?' Zell replied. 'St. Sam - that's an oxymoron.'"

*

"Sam is brighter and faster than most but he's abrasive and arrogant and he belittles people," retired Itel Corporation board chairman Herbert Kunzel said.

Itel is a company Zell took over in a, um, controversial manner. According to a Wall Street Journal article cited by the New Yorker, "Zell sabotaged a planned acquisition, excoriated the company's CEO, and refused to shake hands."

What's that he said about greedy business people?

*

"In 1993, he bought a ninety-four-per-cent stake in Jacor Communications, a Cincinnati radio-station company, through one of his vulture funds. Jacor was profitable, but the company had borrowed too heavily and was deep in debt; Zell and a partner, David Schulte, paid down some of the debt and replaced the company's top executives. At the time, federal law limited to thirty-six the number of stations a company could control. But in February, 1996, the Telecommunications Act was passed, deregulating the radio business. 'I called the management in here and I said, Gentlemen, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: I want you to go out and buy all the radio stations you can,' Zell recalled. 'I'll figure out how to pay for them. And in two years we went from seventeen stations to two hundred and thirty-four, and in 1999 we sold out to Clear Channel.'"

Nice. For him. But for the public, a disaster.

*

Then again, Zell's not all bad.

"Zell hinted that he would replace Tribune's top executives. He said that if Hurricane Katrina hit Chicago and the executives in Tribune Tower were cut off from the outside world, he thought that the L.A. Times and the other Tribune companies would do just fine. He also said that he believes that Tribune needs to become more decentralized by giving local executives more control. The Times, he said, should be able to function without someone telling it what to do. 'Zell's folks are very critical of the corporate culture here, and they see many of the top guys as personifying it,' a Tribune publishing executive told me, referring to the company's leaders."

*

"Zell told me, 'I've had offers on every single asset in the portfolio. Chuck Schumer' - the New York senator - 'calls me, because he's hustling for some people who want to buy Newsday. Baltimore people are calling, Allentown's calling, Florida's calling, and, in L.A., David Geffen and Eli Broad. So all I can tell you is that for a dead industry with no future there are an awful lot of schmucks who want to take it away from me!'"

Zell is drawing the wrong conclusion. Readers, citizens and civic leaders are desperate for local ownership of their media. There also might be some sentiment involved.

*

"The galas that Zell hosts each September bear little resemblance to the old treasure hunts. Zell hates black-tie events, so guests receive T-shirts in advance, which feature obscure clues to the identity of the evening's performer. (Recently, these have included Bette Midler, Elton John, and Paul Simon.) For the September, 2006, party, three tour boats picked up the guests from Chicago's Navy Pier and headed into Lake Michigan. 'He got everybody on these boats and put them out there for about an hour,' one guest recalled. 'This was a crowd of pretty trendy people, all these type-A personalities, and they got like hornets! They were saying, Why couldn't we come by car? Are we going to have to come back on these damn things? I know he did it deliberately. So the parties have changed, but the theme of getting your guests mad and crazed is still there.'"

What a prick.

Party Animal
1. Sam Zell's 60th birthday party.

2. From the Tribune's late Inc. column, September 1998: "Those three tents at Des Plaines and Kinzie? Area residents, as well as Metra commuters looking down from their trains, were curious. Now it can be told: They were Cirque du Soleil tents for Chicago gazillionaire Sam Zell's annual party for associates, friends and relatives - with Ziggy Marley, Earth Wind & Fire and the Isley Brothers providing entertainment. Even Jam Productions' Jerry Mickelson, in attendance, was impressed. In the past, Zell has hired Jay Leno, Village People and the Beach Boys to entertain. More than 700 guests attended - including all the staff at Marche, which catered the bash."

Evil Mobile Home Landlord
From the Carol Marin files:

1. "A Unit 5 follow-up tonight on a battle that is being played not only in Chicago but also across the country in so-called mobile home parks."

2. Zell and Victor Reyes.

3. Dear Sam Zell.

From The May Report:

From: Minpix@aol.com
Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 17:34:00 EDT
Subject: Zell charms crowd with insightful folksy talk
To: ron@themayreport.com

Ron,
Not all folks find him [Zell] quite so charming, here's something to give you some real insight. Please read the attachment. It is a Delaware House Resolution from last week, basically emergency legislation to stop MHC from evicting old people etc.

Subj: Elder Abuse coming soon to a park near you compliments of Chicago Billionaire

Chicago Billionaire Grave Dancer and self proclaimed "Vulture Investor" heads a multibillion-dollar publicly traded corporation (MHC) that makes it's livelihood shaking down fixed income old people, mostly female, for their lifesavings, leaving in its wake widespread poverty, despair and hopelessness.

Where once existed banana bread recipe websites, parties, and a host of charitable activities, now exists increasingly empty communities as MHC waits out the last oldsters in each.

It's happening in California, Florida, Delaware, Colorado, Illinois, it's happening in more than half the states, from coast-to-coast in 200 mobile home parks owned by this rapacious, predatory, lawsuit-loving corporation.

MHC's leader is a Chicago boy. For some he is a Wall Street genius. For some he is Satan incarnate. He, himself a senior citizen, does not even pretend to feel anything for the people he is steamrollering. Nope, it's all about the money. In Santa Cruz, California, MHC managed to transfer $70 million dollars of equity from the former homeowners to MHC's coffers.

Across the country Senators, Assemblypersons, Attorney Generals, and a whole host of legal representatives agree on one thing. MHC and its team of legal thugs are immoral criminals. But so far no one has figured out how to stop them.

We are hoping that by educating the masses with this kind of exposure we can help apply pressure and develop a groundswell to stop MHC. At the very least we can inform and forewarn senior citizens and mobile home communities nationwide about the true nature of MHC and this systematic pillaging of old folks.

Case Study:

Mobile Home Communities (MHC), through an endless barrage of lawsuits containing thinly veiled blackmail and threats, is harassing thousands of elderly, fixed income mobile home park residents. (MHC owns over 150 parks, one-third in California).

In De Anza Mobile Home Park in Santa Cruz, after 8 years of defending against a string of lawsuits, both the city and De Anza's elderly residents threw in the towel. MHC prevailed in a legal challenge to rent control, causing widespread financial ruin, simply because there was no more money to fight off MHC's team of legal thugs.

I am requesting that the Attorney General investigate this matter because it impacts thousands of California seniors living in mobile home parks. The unbridled activities of MHC are having the effect of WMD's.

MHC's CEO does not slap around Aunt Betty and steal her purse. He goes after hundreds of lifesavings at a time, leaving in his wake depression, anger, fear, hopelessness, poverty and despair.

Is this not financial and psychological abuse of the worst kind?
Surely this is a public matter worthy of attention by the Attorney General's office.

The Attorney General's offices in several other states are actively defending and protecting their seniors from the abuses of this billion-dollar corporation.

Letter to Wall Street Journal 3/2004:

Warren Buffett, GMAC and others hoping to profit from an upswing in the mobile home industry cannot afford to ignore a critical factor affecting any turnaround.

This factor also accounts for why anyone would deliberately trash a mobile home before vacating it.

Mobile home parks, traditionally mom-and pop-businesses catering to seniors, have been discovered by Wall Street REIT's which are gobbling up parks and aggressively raising rents.

From California to Delaware, owners of mobile homes, especially the elderly, find life in a double-wide increasingly hard as rents rise faster than their income. Most mobile home residents own their home but not the land, which they rent from the park owners.

In a nationwide land-grab contributing to the repossession of 100,000 mobile homes last year, MHC, the largest and most aggressive mobile home park owner in the country (they own 200 parks in 23 states), is systematically challenging and overturning local laws and ordinances, even those designed to protect seniors from unfair rent increases.

Under the guise of "fiduciary responsibility" to their shareholders, MHC squeezes residents by aggressively raising rents as much as five-fold. The prohibitive cost and impracticality of moving a mobile home leave the mobile-home owner little choice but to pay up or get out. New buyers are scared away by the astronomical rent for the land.

This effectively shuts down the marketplace. With no buyers, the resident has no recourse but to abandon the home when they fall ill, die or, in some cases are evicted for failure or inability to pay the (exorbitant) rent increases. MHC then steps in and buys the abandoned home from the unfortunate lender for pennies on the dollar.

This egregious business practice is leaving in its wake widespread poverty, despair and hopelessness, especially among the nations senior citizens who account for half of all mobile home residents.

Any court victories favoring residents are inevitably followed by appeals and further legal challenges until at last the mostly elderly residents are left with no money to continue the fight.

The question is, where do you draw the line between social consciousness and what you need to do to satisfy Wall Street?

Is it any wonder that even the generally docile senior citizen is tempted to consider trashing a home upon leaving, given that the new de-facto owner is the very corporation responsible for their misery?

Posted by Lou at 12:44 AM | Permalink

Open Letter

Kill two birds with one stone. Invite an exorcist to say the prayer opening your next meeting and then put him to work on Ald. George Cardenas (12th).

Cardenas lacked only a spinning head at the City Council budget showdown Tuesday, so clearly was he possessed by the spirit of the first Mayor Daley. And the first Mayor Daley was ready to hurl green vomit at aldermen who dared vote against the current Mayor Daley's 2008 budget with its $83 million property tax increase.

"It's easy to talk about! It's easy to criticize!" Cardenas/Richard J. Daley sputtered, nearly levitating above his microphone.

Then again, maybe Cardenas has just gone to see Hizzoner too many times.

Cardenas had two main arguments to defend raising taxes at a time when multi-million dollar City Hall scandals are revealed so often, the scandals themselves could become a reliable object of taxation. (Say, $500 per indictment? Talk about renewable sources of income. We'd be getting rebates if Mayor Daley stays in office much longer.)

First, Cardenas noted that he drove through his ward on Veterans Day and saw many citizens relaxing. "But the city was working!" he crowed. "The city was working indeed!" Cardenas witnessed an alley being constructed, a park being improved, some streetsweepers and graffiti blasters. For this, we should all pay $276 million in more taxes and fees and fines.

Cardenas's second insight involved the cost of scandals, something many of us now call a "corruption tax." But Cardenas didn't mention the scandals we usually associate with City Hall, such as the $12 million fund set aside for past job applicants screwed by the Daley administration's rigged hiring.

"And I know my colleagues talk about scandal!" Cardenas huffed. "I'll give you scandal. The assessor's office - that's a scandal!"

While assessments can be wildly inaccurate, it has apparently not occurred to Cardenas that if Cook County Assessor James Houlihan suddenly slashed the valuation of everyone's property, the city would have to increase the tax rate that much more to raise the same amount of property taxes . . . taxes which Mayor Daley claims are necessary, because apparently there is no fat to be found anywhere in city government.

Ald. Isaac "Ike" Carothers (29th), one of Mayor Daley's most reliable allies, talked gleefully about how his support for the budget would do the "heavy lifting" for aldermen who opposed it, because their wards would still get city services. Besides all that weight, Carothers appears to labor under the misapprehension that the citizens of those wards will be excused from paying taxes just because their aldermen voted against the budget.

I wish that were true, since I live in Ald. Toni Preckwinkle's ward (4th). Preckwinkle, who had the guts to oppose Daley's 2006 budget all by herself, gave the first anti-budget speech of the meeting. She pointed out that the city should have been able to anticipate the current fiscal crisis.

"I think it reflects badly on our planning, frankly," said Preckwinkle, accepting her share of the responsibility. Over the past four years, she said, the city probably should have slowly raised property taxes "so we'd continue to have an appropriate (emergency reserve fund) instead of spending it all down." (For those aldermen who didn't bother reading the Civic Federation's analysis of the budget, the emergency reserve fund should be "5-15% of operating expenditures or revenues," but in Mayor Daley's 2008 budget, it will only be 0.5%.)

Preckwinkle also mentioned that Mayor Daley's budget ignores the city's severely underfunded pensions and the high level of money spent on debt service. "When our most reliable source of income goes entirely to debt service and pensions I think we're in trouble over the long haul, and we're not dealing with it," she said.

Ald. Joe Moore (49th) tried buttering up Mayor Daley by first blaming the city's lousy financial situation on President Bush, the federal government's many cuts in programs assisting cities, and the cost of the Iraq war. But I don't think that was enough grease to help Daley swallow Moore's main point: "Unfortunately, the proposed taxes today are neither fairly raised, nor can we be assured that they will always be honestly and efficiently spent," Moore declared.

The budget's taxes and fees, said Moore, are disproportionately paid by poor and middle-class citizens. "And nothing has made the public more cynical than the endless stream of broken promises to end business as usual in city government," he added.

None of you pro-budget aldermen directly answered Preckwinkle and Moore's points. You mostly stuck to that tired old line about how the city has to "move forward." Ah, but not you, Ald. Tom Tunney! Thank you for letting us know that you are, in your own words, a "wealthy man" due to investing in a business in Lakeview thirty years ago. I suppose you bought Google at $85 a share, too.

Thank you for also telling us how proud Lakeview citizens are of their gentrified neighborhood with its wonderful schools. I'm not sure how that helps someone like Ald. Toni Foulkes (15th), who mentioned that she visited a school in her South Side ward recently and found there wasn't a roll of toilet paper in the entire building. But the disparity in your experiences does help explain why you voted yes, and she voted no.

Sincerely,

Cate Plys

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See Cate's first letter to the council this week.

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Open Letter is open to letters. Please include a real name if you wish to be considered for publication.

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From Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release to The Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark, Cate Plys writes the Open Letters that need writing. Check out her entire collection.

Posted by Lou at 12:36 AM | Permalink

November 13, 2007

The [Tuesday] Papers

Editor's Note: Once I again I must turn my attention to the business side of The Beachwood Media Company. The Papers will return on Wednesday. In the meantime, we have a terrific new piece bringing you up to speed on the new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County and a bunch of other great offerings from Monday (and earlier) that deserve your attention. See you tomorrow.

*

The [Monday] Papers

1. The Bears cheated on their winning play.

2. "I keep saying to myself, 'Death is a celebration.'"

-The first line of dialogue of the only feature film directed by Norman Mailer

3. I'll be at the fifth anniversary birthday bash of the PH improv group tonight at the Lakeshore Theater (3175 North Broadway). Stop by if you get a chance, I'll be handing out some Beachwood door prizes. The event is free, by the way. Doors open at 7 p.m.

4. "[Allison] Davis and his partners - including his sons Jared and Cullen - have gotten more than $100 million in taxpayer subsidies to build and rehabilitate more than 1,500 apartments and homes, primarily for the poor," the Sun-Times reported on Sunday.

"As Davis has become one of City Hall's favored developers in the last 10 years, he also has become a major political player. He has donated more than $400,000 to dozens of political campaign funds. His top beneficiaries include Daley, Blagojevich and Sen. Barack Obama, who worked for several years as an attorney in Davis' law firm.

"The evolution of Davis from City Hall critic to insider might seem unusual, but not to old friends and associates.

"'Does any of that surprise me? No,' said Robert Bennett, former dean of the Northwestern University Law School, who has known Davis since high school. 'He's an ambitious guy. He likes to make money.'"

5. Davis was also, until last January, a mayoral appointee to the Chicago Plan Commission. And, coincidentally, "Davis has forged strong ties to the Daley family, doing deals with one of the mayor's nephews and giving legal business to Daley & George, mayoral brother Michael Daley's law firm."

6. Also, just coincidentally:

"Six years ago . . . .[Davis] got two city blocks of free land to build homes in the Woodlawn neighborhood. And the biggest, most expensive house went to Davis' son."

7. "Davis, 68, declined repeated interview requests for this story," the Sun-Times noted. "His spokesman asked that questions be submitted in writing."

Allison Davis, you are today's Worst Person in Chicago.

8. Allison Davis is a de facto public official whose evasions should not be tolerated lightly. Seems a whole lot of folk are learning how easy it is to dodge the press; the press has to make refusal to answer questions an option more painful than facing reporters. In Davis's case, instead of agreeing to submit written questions, perhaps the Sun-Times should have told Davis to fuck off and published its unanswered questions on the front page.

9. Running a close second in today's Worst Person in Chicago sweepstakes is former state Rep. Calvin Giles, who was hired by the Blagojevich administration to an $84,996 job despite owing taxpayers more than $80,000 in fines for violating election rules.

Giles also refused to answer questions.

"I'm no longer an elected official at this time," Giles said. "I'm just a private citizen."

Not!

Calvin Giles is a public official on a public payroll. Plus, he owes us money.

10. "Dan White, the election board's executive director, said the agency would like to collect the $80,250 that Giles' fund owes, but it has not gotten cooperation from Blagojevich's administration," the Sun-Times notes.

"Election officials had sought help from the state Revenue Department to collect unpaid fines imposed against Giles and other election-fine scofflaws.

"'They said very simply that they didn't think it was in the best interest of the state to take on these fines,' said White, who has asked Attorney General Lisa Madigan's office for an opinion on the matter."

Rod Blagojevich continues to rock the system.

11. "Giles' strategy on his current election-fine troubles might simply be to wait them out. Giles' campaign fund was dissolved in February, and state law calls for election fines to be zeroed out should candidates not seek office for two years. That means Giles would have to sit out elections through February 2009 to avoid having to pay the state any money."

So, actually, Giles would be an idiot to pay up. The system works.

12. "Can A Relationship Work When A Woman Earns More? Power, Money and the Opposite Sex. A Special Report with Anna Davlantes."

Tonight on NBC5 "News."

13. Breaking news: Voting against the mayor's budget is allowed by law! In Open Letter.

14. "For more than two decades, Emmis Communications' alternative rock WKQX-FM (101.1) has been marketing itself as 'Q101,'" Robert Feder wrote last week (second item). "As of this week, it's switched to 'Q101.1.' What gives?

"'It just can't hurt to be clear about your digital position,' said Tisa LaSorte, brand manager of Q101.1."

Yes, all these years scads of potential listeners have just missed finding the station on the dial.

Plus, technically the frequency is really 101.145837854093785.

15. The Beachwood's very own Jim Coffman thinks Rocky Wirtz oughta bring back the glow puck for televised home games.

16. Coffman also has another fine installment of Bear Monday.

17. The Beachwood's very own Dan Zapruder Phillips gets the Led out.

18. The view from Oakland of the Bears' winning play.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Sexy like Rexy.

Posted by Lou at 06:06 AM | Permalink

What I Watched Last Night

The Real Housewives of Orange County has returned for another season loaded with pregnant questions for diehard viewers like me who can't get enough of this show despite its validation of society's sick fascination with the rich. That's because the show serves an alternative validating value: Repeated viewings verify the fact that the rest of us might not be as beautiful and wealthy as the "housewives" featured here, but we get weekly proof that we're much smarter, cooler and better people than these self-absorbed half-wits with horrendous taste.

These women, in fact, have nothing to offer society except to show how not to wear your hair over 40 and that bragging about how much money you have is klassy.

But sometimes it's fun to scratch the surface and get more surface. Let's take a look.

*

The season opened with Vicki beaming with pride over the fact that she's buying her daughter, Briana, a car. Not just any car, of course, but a Mercedes Benz complete with a big red bow and a $275 monthly payment for the full-time nursing student.

"I just bought it for you and you're going to make the payments!" squeals Vicky in a voice that could crack the Arctic Ice Shelf.

Unlike the rest of the unspoiled planet, Briana is less than thrilled. Chalk it up to Vicki's major control issues; the Mercedes is just another way to force Briana to start paying her own way. Plus, the new models are probably out already.

The other source of mother-daughter is more pedestrian. Briana wants to go to Washington with her boyfriend to see the Dave Matthews Band. Like any good mother, Vicki puts the kibosh on that one. Who would let their kid go to a Dave Matthews show?

Vicki's objection, though, is downright kooky: She doesn't want her daughter going on a trip with a boy. Did I mention that Briana is 20? That's right, the same age as many a college junior in her third year living - and screwing - away from home.

*

Lauri is about to jump headfirst into Marriage Number Three with uber-Republican George. There's something unsettling about George. I think it's because he never wears a tie and never tucks in his shirt. This was his look when he went to a fund-raiser for his hero, Mitt Romney, in Season Two. But like most of the men featured on this show, he has a crap-load of money and never seems to work. Also, these men have never spied a razor and view the act of shaving as plebian. It's like they're all trying to be so street and hip but they just end up looking like posers who drive really big, ugly cars.

While Lauri and George are planning their nuptials, George's daughter McKenzie is about to graduate from high school. She admits that all OC teens are spoiled but that doesn't stop her from wanting a trip to South Beach as her graduation present. Aim higher, McKenzie. Uganda would be a step up - the people are better fed - and you could actually do some good there, like help sick children.

After initially denying McKenzie her dream, Lauri and George give in and announce that McKenzie can go with her pals and Lauri's oldest, Ashley, as chaperone. I think we all know how this is going to turn out. This is what's known as foreshadowing.

*

Former Oakland A's pitcher Matt Keough plays a cameo role in Housewives as the man most often disappearing into locked rooms or driving away from home because he's trapped in a marriage to a wife (Jeana) he can't stand.

His kids are a mess, too. Shane plays ball and has mastered the art of being a major douche bag. Colton has serious mommy-issues and is desperately trying to get Jeana’s attention. He's also a schoolyard pugilist who has already busted a few bones along the way.

Colton also seems to lack the empathy gene. He made his sister Kara cry last week when he skipped her high school graduation but can't for the life of him figure out why she's so upset. He wouldn't care if she skipped his graduation, you see. Maybe because he doesn't plan on having one.

Lo and behold, Matt didn't make it to Kara's graduation either because he was with Shane on his baseball quest. "That's Matt's legacy," Jeana explains.

Amazingly, Kara is apparently a dynamite student who will be attending Berkeley in the fall. She knows she's in for a culture shock. This is what's known as foreshadowing.

*

The two kids who have turned into sympathetic characters are Megan and Lindsey. Their dad, Lou Knickerbocker, died in April and left nothing for his children. He didn't have insurance or a will and everything went to his mail order Thai wife. Now, Megan and Lindsey are on their own and are genuinely worried about their future.

And they should be.

Lou promised them he'd take care of them and that they'd never have to work a day in their lives. Um, oops. Angina's tough.

They're living in an apartment above their mom's garage with Megan's two huge pit bulls. Neither have an education or employable skills. The Thai wife kicked Lindsey out of her father's house and now Megan wishes there was a way she could get her deported.

This is what's known as foreshadowing.

*

On a happier note, a new housewife, Tamra has been added to the mix. However, she lives in Ladera Ranch, not the infamous Coto de Caza. Quelle Horreur! Tamra's saving grace is she has all the prerequisites that make a good OC wife: The Double-D's, the overly dyed blonde lid, those horrid nails, the bling and the Botox.

But Tamra is special since, according to her, she's the hottest housewife in Orange County. Glad she settled that argument since the viewers were probably getting their knickers in a twist over who to choose.

Tamra is - surprise - a Realtor like some of the other Coto wives. In fact, it seems like the "housewives' work more than the husbands in this show, though Tamra's husband, Simon, is a Mercedes-Benz salesman.

The oldest of Tamra's three kids, Ryan, is a product of her first marriage. Ryan doesn't like rules. And he and Simon clashed so badly that Ryan had to move out. Now Ryan is returning to the house and Simon has already sat him down and handed him a written set of rules that Ryan in no way is going to follow. It's a startling dramatic triangle given that Ryan loves his mother so much he had "Forever Grafeful" tattoed across his chest to show his appreciation for her.

*

Most disappointing is the absence this season of Jo and Slade.

But, you know, there's always plenty of other idiotic losers to choose from in Coto. In that respect, they are different than you and me. At least that's what I come away believing very week. That and the maddening fact that they have all that money.

-

Here's what we watched last night, how about you? Submissions welcome.

Posted by Lou at 12:21 AM | Permalink

November 12, 2007

The [Monday] Papers

1. The Bears cheated on their winning play.

2. "I keep saying to myself, 'Death is a celebration.'"

-The first line of dialogue of the only feature film directed by Norman Mailer

3. I'll be at the fifth anniversary birthday bash of the PH improv group tonight at the Lakeshore Theater (3175 North Broadway). Stop by if you get a chance, I'll be handing out some Beachwood door prizes. The event is free, by the way. Doors open at 7 p.m.

4. "[Allison] Davis and his partners - including his sons Jared and Cullen - have gotten more than $100 million in taxpayer subsidies to build and rehabilitate more than 1,500 apartments and homes, primarily for the poor," the Sun-Times reported on Sunday.

"As Davis has become one of City Hall's favored developers in the last 10 years, he also has become a major political player. He has donated more than $400,000 to dozens of political campaign funds. His top beneficiaries include Daley, Blagojevich and Sen. Barack Obama, who worked for several years as an attorney in Davis' law firm.

"The evolution of Davis from City Hall critic to insider might seem unusual, but not to old friends and associates.

"'Does any of that surprise me? No,' said Robert Bennett, former dean of the Northwestern University Law School, who has known Davis since high school. 'He's an ambitious guy. He likes to make money.'"

5. Davis was also, until last January, a mayoral appointee to the Chicago Plan Commission. And, coincidentally, "Davis has forged strong ties to the Daley family, doing deals with one of the mayor's nephews and giving legal business to Daley & George, mayoral brother Michael Daley's law firm."

6. Also, just coincidentally:

"Six years ago . . . .[Davis] got two city blocks of free land to build homes in the Woodlawn neighborhood. And the biggest, most expensive house went to Davis' son."

7. "Davis, 68, declined repeated interview requests for this story," the Sun-Times noted. "His spokesman asked that questions be submitted in writing."

Allison Davis, you are today's Worst Person in Chicago.

8. Allison Davis is a de facto public official whose evasions should not be tolerated lightly. Seems a whole lot of folk are learning how easy it is to dodge the press; the press has to make refusal to answer questions an option more painful than facing reporters. In Davis's case, instead of agreeing to submit written questions, perhaps the Sun-Times should have told Davis to fuck off and published its unanswered questions on the front page.

9. Running a close second in today's Worst Person in Chicago sweepstakes is former state Rep. Calvin Giles, who was hired by the Blagojevich administration to an $84,996 job despite owing taxpayers more than $80,000 in fines for violating election rules.

Giles also refused to answer questions.

"I'm no longer an elected official at this time," Giles said. "I'm just a private citizen."

Not!

Calvin Giles is a public official on a public payroll. Plus, he owes us money.

10. "Dan White, the election board's executive director, said the agency would like to collect the $80,250 that Giles' fund owes, but it has not gotten cooperation from Blagojevich's administration," the Sun-Times notes.

"Election officials had sought help from the state Revenue Department to collect unpaid fines imposed against Giles and other election-fine scofflaws.

"'They said very simply that they didn't think it was in the best interest of the state to take on these fines,' said White, who has asked Attorney General Lisa Madigan's office for an opinion on the matter."

Rod Blagojevich continues to rock the system.

11. "Giles' strategy on his current election-fine troubles might simply be to wait them out. Giles' campaign fund was dissolved in February, and state law calls for election fines to be zeroed out should candidates not seek office for two years. That means Giles would have to sit out elections through February 2009 to avoid having to pay the state any money."

So, actually, Giles would be an idiot to pay up. The system works.

12. "Can A Relationship Work When A Woman Earns More? Power, Money and the Opposite Sex. A Special Report with Anna Davlantes."

Tonight on NBC5 "News."

13. Breaking news: Voting against the mayor's budget is allowed by law! In Open Letter.

14. "For more than two decades, Emmis Communications' alternative rock WKQX-FM (101.1) has been marketing itself as 'Q101,'" Robert Feder wrote last week (second item). "As of this week, it's switched to 'Q101.1.' What gives?

"'It just can't hurt to be clear about your digital position,' said Tisa LaSorte, brand manager of Q101.1."

Yes, all these years scads of potential listeners have just missed finding the station on the dial.

Plus, technically the frequency is really 101.145837854093785.

15. The Beachwood's very own Jim Coffman thinks Rocky Wirtz oughta bring back the glow puck for televised home games.

16. Coffman also has another fine installment of Bear Monday.

17. The Beachwood's very own Dan Zapruder Phillips gets the Led out.

18. The view from Oakland of the Bears' winning play.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Sexy like Rexy.

Posted by Lou at 08:42 AM | Permalink

Open Letter

None of you wear ruby slippers. For the most part, it's wingtips, tassled loafers and some tasteful heels - though I have often seen one of your female members wearing gym shoes with her business skirt and jacket on the council floor. Any of these will do. Now, click your heels together three times and say:

There's no reason we can't vote against Mayor Daley's budget.
There's no reason we can't vote against Mayor Daley's budget.
There's no reason we can't vote against Mayor Daley's budget.

That's right, you've always had the power to vote against his budget. It's the law - you can look it up. You probably won't believe me, though; you have to learn it for yourself. But I'm afraid you won't figure it out in time for the budget showdown this week, so I'm going to lecture a bit anyway.

It wasn't a dream last year when 31 aldermen voted against Mayor Daley's veto of the so-called Big Box ordinance, which would have required giant retailers like Wal-Mart to pay workers at least $13 an hour in wages and benefits. True, the mayor won that vote. You needed 34 votes to overturn the veto, and Daley managed to get three aldermen to change their votes, just squeaking by. Still. It happened. And this time, for the budget, you only need 26 votes.

Worried about the Daley fallout, I suppose. Don't bother - for the same reason Daley picked this year to propose a 15.1% property tax increase, now scaled down slightly to about 11%: You just got re-elected to spanking-new four-year terms in office. Defiance and rebellion will never be easier.

Plus, the toll of federal investigations and convictions on Daley's administration will be four years heavier by the next election, making the mayor that much weaker . . . assuming he runs for office again. That's no slam-dunk. Hell, Daley could be under indictment by then, or facing an actual opponent. U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. will probably run a real campaign next time. He's installed wife Sandi Jackson as Seventh Ward alderman, moved his kids back to Chicago from Washington, and now Sandi's running for ward committeeman. Jesse Jr. recently wrote - or at least delegated a staff member to write - a blistering Op-Ed for the Tribune blasting Daley's 2008 budget and the cost to taxpayers of City Hall corruption. I hope you all read it. And frankly, I just don't think Jesse Jr. lost all that weight to hang around the House of Representatives. He could have stayed fat if that's all he wanted.

Daley should be a lame duck, though he hasn't quacked about retirement yet. The only reason he isn't, I think, is due to the magic of the Daley name. The rest of the flock believes he's immortal. He's not, though. He's getting up there, even in Daley years. A budget loss in the City Council would certainly clip his wings.

In any case, federal attacks on City Hall's flouting of the Shakman decree, combined with HDO's demise amid the Hired Truck scandal, have already decimated the Election Day army the mayor once commanded. Just ask some of your former colleagues who got the mayor's endorsement and lost this year anyway. Dorothy Tillman . . . Ted Matlak . . . Shirley Coleman. And Coleman was one of the suckers who changed her Big Box vote to sustain Daley's veto.

What about the 28 aldermen who signed the petition asking the federal courts to force Daley to give the City Council the list of police officers with the most allegations of excessive force? He's already unhappy with you. Voting for the budget won't make that one go away.

Let's look at the people who have actually voted against a Daley budget. Ald. Toni Preckwinkle opposed the 2006 budget, all by herself. Yet she walks among us still, seemingly alive, unharmed, in possession of all her extremities. Presumably, we would know if she was a zombie.

Preckwinkle, Tillman and Arenda Troutman all voted against the 2005 budget, and five aldermen voted against the revenue package of taxes and fees that funds the budget - Tillman, Troutman, Tom Murphy, Howard Brookins and Brian Doherty. The 2000-2004 budgets were passed unanimously, but before that, Helen Shiller voted "no" every year. Of these aldermen, only Tillman and Troutman were bounced out of office , and neither can pin their demise on a budget vote. Murphy is gone, but he has passed on to a better place. He's a judge.

So there is life after voting against a Daley budget. Perhaps you are still wondering why you should try it. The number one reason, to me, is the mayor's stunningly cynical arrogance in proposing a 15% property tax hike right after re-election and tying it to the funding of public libraries. This is the fiscal version of using hostages as a human shield.

The Civic Federation's budget analysis points out that the $108 million in new property taxes first proposed for the libraries included just $8.7 million to fund long-term debt for a new library capital program. The vast majority - $90.7 million - was pegged for the Library Maintenance and Operation Fund. The property tax increase isn't all new funding going to build more libraries, then, as most taxpayers assume. Library Commissioner Mary Dempsey actually used this as an argument for the property tax increase during her appearance at the City Council budget hearings, when aldermen were clearly not feeling the urgency of building new libraries.

The actual new library construction could easily be covered by the modest rate-of-inflation increase of 2.5% in property taxes recommended by the Civic Federation - $17.8 million - which wouldn't violate the city's current self-imposed tax cap. The rest of Daley's proposed property tax increase is mainly the usual annual library money, separated from the budget and treated like something new. Daley could just as well have separated out something easier to criticize - like, say, the $2.5 million budgeted for a new "Office of Compliance," which at best duplicates the inspector general's office, but is probably intended to undermine the independent inspector general's efforts to sniff out City Hall corruption.

The Civic Federation also points out that Daley's 2007 budget does nothing to improve the city's pension funding or its emergency reserve fund. The Fire, Police and Municipal pension funds are funded at "40.4%, 49.3% and 67.2%, respectively," according to the Civic Federation, when a 90% funding level is considered healthy. The emergency reserve fund should be "5-15% of operating expenditures or revenues," says the Civic Federation, while the $15.5 million budgeted for 2008 is only 0.5%.

I'm not sure I hear any heel-tapping yet. I may have picked the wrong popular culture metaphor; perhaps I should be making allusions to The X-Files instead. This budget is certainly scary enough. And naive as it may be, when it comes to a simple majority of Chicago aldermen taking their fiscal responsibility to the taxpayers seriously, I want to believe. Are there any "no" votes out there?

Sincerely,

Cate Plys

*

Open Letter is open to letters. Please include a real name if you wish to be considered for publication.

*

From Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release to The Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark, Cate Plys writes the Open Letters that need writing. Check out her entire collection.

Posted by Lou at 06:19 AM | Permalink

Bear Monday: Rickety Raiders

Maybe now it will happen. Now the Bears will hop onto the ripple of momentum created by Sunday's precarious victory over the rickety Raiders and ride it for all it's worth. After all, a perfect deep ball drops into the arms of an open receiver in full stride like a pebble arcs into a lake and positive energy radiates out in barely perceptible, but expanding, circles. OK, so the squad didn't exactly surf the waves created by its last two, much bigger wins - exciting conference triumphs over the Packers and the Eagles (as opposed to the AFC doormats who call Oakland home). One must conclude that Sunday's victory generates but a trickle of hope. It is dew on a football that was left out in the grass last night.

Let's dive right into the highlights:

* During the first half of the season, Bear defenders found numerous ways to make lousy offenses look good. On Sunday, they not only aided but often abetted Raider lousiness from the first quarter to the last. Thank you to Adewale Ogunleye (did you prefer his detonation of that silly little first-half shovel pass or his game-clinching sack and strip in the final minutes?) in particular for his delightful destructiveness.

* The game broadcast didn't get off to the greatest of starts when play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian (no relation to Kim Kardashian) described an early Devin Hester end around. Unfortunately for Matt and Bears fans, the ball never made it to the end who was clearly on his way around the defense. Instead, as the cameraman and surely most viewers quickly noted, Brian Griese had already given the ball to Cedric Benson, resulting in one of his signature, slightly less-than-memorable, runs. It was the first episode in yet another half of Devin the Decoy on offense this season. And of course when they finally gave Hester the ball shortly after intermission they did a quick hitter against press coverage, i.e., they passed him the ball as he stood at the line off scrimmage with a cornerback approximately a foot away. A quick tackle ensued.

* Let's go ahead and get the Benson stuff out of the way at this point. Cedric does have a knack for gaining the absolute minimum yardage available to him on handoff after handoff after handoff, doesn't he? Which stat is most damning? Is it the fact that he carried 29 times - 29! - on Sunday without once busting into double figures (his longest run was nine yards)? The guy has now carried the ball 149 times this season and has never amassed more than 16 yards on a single carry.

Another vaguely troublesome stat, which I must say is slightly informal, is that he totaled zero tacklers avoided. Analyst J.C. Pearson, who did a serviceable if not quite inspiring job on the mike, was blunt in a third-quarter assessment: "He doesn't make anyone miss." He also (this is me again now) doesn't break tackles. I don't know if it's because he came into the season primarily concerned about avoiding injury, but there is none of the "never die easy (R.I.P. Mr. Payton)" determination he flashed reasonably frequently last year.

I defy general manager Jerry Angelo, who told us at the start of the bye week that it was way too early to pull the plug on his top-five, first-round draft-pick guy Cedric, to find one professional talent evaluator other than himself who will step up and make the case for Benson. He's not good enough and he hasn't been good enough all year. It's not even close. And it shouldn't be hard to find a halfway decent replacement.

After all, at the end of training camp this year, the Packers brought in "not just little-known but really known only to his family" Ryan Grant to be their third-string running back. All he did on Sunday against what had heretofore been thought of as a particularly tough Minnesota Viking run defense was record his second 100-yard-plus game.

* Two quarterbacks today but only one center involved in a pair of fumbled snaps during first series for each (Brian Griese in the first quarter and Rex Grossman in the third). The common denominator was Mr. Olin Kreutz, who seemingly isn't getting blasted back into the backfield as often as he was earlier in the season, but who still leads the world in screwed-up center-quarterback exchanges.

* Rookie Trumaine McBride had a great game at cornerback. If he continues to establish himself as a solid corner, he will add to Angelo's impressive legacy of finding hidden defensive talent late in the draft. Maybe from here on out Jerry could simply bring in a consultant to handle first-round picks and then take it from there.

* Where were the Raider fan camera shots? I thought there was a rule that all games in Oakland had to feature extended video examinations of silver-and-black crazies packed into the mosh pits that pass for end-zone seating in their home stadium.

* The game was boring enough as the third quarter morphed into the fourth that I was paying closer attention to the new DVD commercials and trying to decide which "one-too-many" sequel I'll watch on the first Sunday afternoon after the Bears are mathematically eliminated, Spiderman 3 or Shrek 3.

* And finally a few words, er, it will probably be more than a few, about that other (relatively) local Blue * Orange football team. That was some awesome emotion on display after Illinois' magnificent victory Saturday over Ohio State. Coach Ron Zook kept looking up at the top of the Buckeyes' stadium as he was being interviewed in a very apparent effort to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling down his cheeks. And sophomore quarterback Juice Williams was still doubled-over at the waist, trying to catch his breath, 10 minutes after the game ended and a few moments before his post-game interview began.

It was the Chicago kids who led the way. Feature back Rashard Mendenhall, who had freakishly powerful triceps even when he burst on the scene as a sophomore at Niles West a half-dozen years ago (his arms are now strong enough that I fully expect him to go through the rest of his career without fumbling) gained more than eighty hard-as-nails yards against Ohio State's top-rated defense.

Williams, the latest greatest star athlete out of Chicago Vocational (following in the footsteps of Dick Butkus, Juwan Howard and Chris Zorich among others), was the star of the show with his four touchdown passes and his refusal to be tackled short of the first-down line during the final eight-minute-plus Illini drive that sealed the deal.

Can't one of those guys declare hardship and immediately join their undermanned home (NFL) team?

-

The Beachwood's very own Jim Coffman brings you Bear Monday every week.

Posted by Lou at 06:03 AM | Permalink

Hawk TV!

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled the Blackhawks have finally come to their senses and signed what will surely be the first of many deals to locally televise some of their home games. And I'm sitting down as I write this to check out the first game of the new, televised era of home Blackhawks hockey . But I've had a bone to pick with all those who televise hockey for a long time and it's time to air the grievance.

Why, pray tell, was the glowing puck taken out of play after it was introduced for, what, one shining season a decade ago on which network was it again? Wait, I just Googled "glowing hockey puck" and, of course, it was Fox TV that introduced the puck that viewers could actually see throughout the games that aired on that network in 1996.

It may have been a bit cheesy when the glow changed colors as the puck reached certain speeds, but hey, the bottom line was you could always tell what was going on. Heck, you even had X-ray vision when the puck was behind the boards. But hockey purists soon ran the innovation out of the league.

So Rocky Wirtz, why stop at televising Hawks home games? Why not do something even more outlandish?

Do you think it was a coincidence that the demise of the glowing puck coincided with the demise of the Hawks (one playoff appearance in the past 10 seasons)? I think not! Bring back the glow! Bring back the glow! Whoops, wait a minute. They're starting the national anthem . . . right after finishing a rousing rendition of "Detroit Sucks! Detroit Sucks!" OK, OK, the chant wasn't part of the broadcast. But the fans on hand must have busted it out tonight, right? I just hope the Blackhawks fans out-numbered the the Red Wing backers. I know it has been close at plenty of recent United Center contests featuring the boys from Hockey Town.

Hawks fans are loud during the anthem but not as loud as during the glory days. And then we are off with announcers Dan Kelly and Eddie Olczyk. It is clear pretty quickly that Kelly is no Pat Foley, the great longtime voice of the Hawks (BANN-er-man!!) until before last season. But I would be stunned if Foley returned to the Hawk booth, even with Bill Wirtz gone. It is eerily similar to what happened with the Bulls main play-by-play guy in the late 80s, Jim Durham, who asked for a little too much money (by Jerry Reinsdorf's standards) and was banished. Durham (who is simply a great basketball chronicler) still does plenty of big-time basketball, including national telecasts on radio and, on occasion, TV. But he missed out on the glorious Bulls championship run. I'm sorry Pat but I'm hoping you're situation mirrors Durham's exactly.

Whoa, this new TV thing is making me delusional! The Hawks would be overjoyed to win one Stanley Cup in the next decade, let alone anything even beginning to approach six in eight years.

Back to the game at hand and it doesn't take long for the stars of the show to start to assert themselves. Patrick Kane, who leads all NHL rookies in scoring, scores in the first period and Jonathan Toews (pronounced Taze, which would certainly seem to require that his nickname be Taser), who is second, scores in the second. Goaltender Nikolai Khabibulan was good against the Red Wings earlier this season and he is again, making the rookie duo's goals -and one knocked in by old pro Yanic Perreault - stand up for a 3-2 win. There was even a relatively unmemorable fight in which the Blackhawks' Patrick Sharp managed to take his opponent down but not before his forehead was bloodied.

It may seem obvious that a hockey team would want to advertise how fun it is to attend a game at its arena, especially a team that had recently shared said venue with a pro basketball team that was horrible for six straight years in the late 90s and early 00s and yet still sold-out game after game despite putting all of them on TV. When he chose not to do so, Dollar Bill Wirtz not only proved he had no idea how modern sports marketing worked, he didn't even understand the appeal of hockey.

Any fan who attends a game will tell you right off the bat how much more evident the spectacular speed of hockey is in person. And maybe with a little more marketing, folks will start filling the UC and then they'll also be there for the atmosphere. Of course if they are really going to fill the place, it might require an even more radical move: Lowering ticket prices.

Oh, by the way, the Hawks may have been short-sighted regarding TV policy but at least they figured out that more families will come to their Sunday evening games if they start them at such an hour as to give young fans a chance to get home by bedtime. Thanks to whoever pushed through the decision to start many Sunday evening games at 6 p.m. I'll be seeing you all again real soon.

-

The rest of this season's historic home game Hawks television schedule:

* Nov. 30 vs. Phoenix
* Dec. 9 vs. Calgary
* Dec. 26 vs. Nashville
* Jan. 6 vs. Detroit
* March 7 vs. San Jose
* March 23 vs. St. Louis

-

COMMENTS
1. From Jerry Pritikin:

Back in 1946 when I was nine years old, I decided to take the long way home from Hibbard grammar school by way of Lawrence Avenue. There was a TV set in the window of Little Al's Radio & Phonograph store ("Where the customer is always wrong") and the first TV image I ever saw was Phil Cavarretta making the last out of a Cubs game. I remember thinking that the game had been over for a few seconds, because it must of taken time for the TV image to go from Wrigley Field to to the station (WBKB - Chicago's only TV station then) and then to the TV set!

A couple of months later, there was a sign in Steiner's Tavern at Kedzie and Lawrence Avenue: "Watch Black Hawks Hockey Games here." So I used to sneak in and sit on the foot-rail of the bar, looking up to the Black Hawk game. The announcer was Whispering Joe Wilson. And even though there was only black-and-white TV in those days, whenever the puck went over the blue line, I swear I could see a blue line!

I made it a habit to sneak in often. The following year, Shultzes tavern on the corner of Troy Street got a TV set, so I began to sneak in there too, especially that the summer during the baseball season. My dad, Hank The Tomato King of South Water Market, heard that I was hanging around taverns and decided that was no place for a kid. I recall him coming home early from work, and asking me to go with him to Little Al's. He bought a 10" console RCA Victor TV set for $450 cash on October 13, 1947, the same day that Junior Jamboree went on the air (later to be called Kukla, Fran and Ollie) The TV in our front room and antenna on our roof was the first in Albany Park that was not in a tavern!

From that day on, I was one lucky kid. In 1948, Chicago had more TV stations. I watched all kinds of sports beside Black Hawk games, including Cardinal and Bear football, DePaul Blue Demons basketball and Noter Dame football all the way from South Bend. Boxing from Rainbow Arena and wrestling from Marigold . . . and Cubs and Sox home games. Sometimes there were 40 other kids in our front room, but my parents didn't mind because it kept me out of the taverns!

Posted by Lou at 05:44 AM | Permalink

Led Zeppelin: Coda

Before I was exposed to a lick of their music, Led Zeppelin's reputation preceded them by about a mile. Before the Internet - before MTV, even - their fans spat out extra-musical information like fog from a dry ice machine, all of it either deviant, creepy or both. How was I expected to wrap my junior high brain around those weird symbols that formed the "title" of their fourth album? Was one of those basically pot?

Then there were the rumors of backstage shenanigans with a baby shark (or a snapper, depending on who you asked). Not to mention the spooky backwards messages "hidden" on their records, professing allegiance to Almighty Satan. Or how about the cast of characters I'd see emblazoned on their T-shirts between every class, each one reeking of sneaked cigarettes? There was the "winged hippie," the old hooded dude with the lantern and those naked, possessed kids from the Houses of the Holy artwork . . . Couldn't these guys just show their faces on their album covers? Like Hall and Oates? Or Tears for Fears?

How I learned to stop worrying and love the Led is a long story. It ended happily, with all the failed attempts to tap my toe along with "The Crunge" as you'd expect. But what if I'd taken the same path as my brother Scott? As he puts it, "I went directly from being afraid of Led Zeppelin to dismissing them, without ever hearing them." Like him, in the middle of high school I was a true blue "alternative rock" snob, revolving around the holy trinity of The Smiths, The Cure and R.E.M. Fortunately, I caught a dose of Led poisoning in the nick of time, but again, what if I hadn't? Is there one disc in the Zeppelin catalogue that could have turned me around?

In real life, it was Houses of the Holy, whose downright poppy "Dancing Days" and "D'yer Mak'er" softened the blows of its heavier "No Quarter" and its seriously wussed-out "The Rain Song." Over repeated listens, the album's immediate pleasures lured me into the more acquired, freakier bits. But we ain't got time for repeated listens. It's 1988, and our potential Led devotee is easily distracted by his recent discovery that there are FM stations south of 92. Plus, he's trying to work up the nerve to go out in public with his Bono-style ponytail. We need to get in and get out with a no-fat sampler, something quick, on message and high energy - and no trolls or Druids or any of that mess.

I hereby nominate for the job that chicken-wing of an odds'n'sods collection stuck at the end of the Zeppelin discography known as Coda. Having steered clear of this rumored rush-job for years, this summer I found a copy in the bargain bin, and I was taken by its pleasing compactness, and how it shone a light on that underexposed, under-appreciated aspect of Zeppelin: Fun. Almost straightaway, I began forming an image of this single disc cutting through the thick Zeppelin myth, arcing like a frisbee through the fairy dust, the eerie green light, the overall Halloween vibe Led Zeppelin cast before them.

So hey there, whipper-snapper! You say you're not exactly cool with slow blues noodling, but you're willing to accept it in moderation as part of the Whole Zeppelin Thing? "I Can't Quit You Baby" is just the ticket, four minutes and 16 seconds telling you all you need to know about similar, more "lingering" numbers in the Zep canon. Or maybe you also understand that Jimmy Page is prone to some beautiful acoustic picking, but you've already identified Cowboy Junkies as your make-out (or imagined make-out) band of choice? "Poor Tom" echoes as nicely as "Tangerine," only they've brought in a galloping beat to keep things moving along.

The middle of Coda grounds us momentarily in Zeppelin's role as "godfathers of metal" (or whatever). "Walter's Walk" moves like "Rock and Roll," and "Ozone Baby" also conforms to the layman's take on Zeppelin, with a beat practically designed for head-banging. Next up, we've got the goofy-sexy "Darlene," its stops and starts creating pockets for piano fills and generous "oohs" from Our Man Robert. Then "Bonzo's Montreaux" showcases Bonham's drumming as well as any live version of "Moby Dick," only without any non-percussive instruments getting in the way, and clocking in at under five minutes. In fact, everything on Coda falls under five minutes - except, ironically, "Wearing and Tearing," the set-closer which was said to be their response to punk.

Still, here's a CD that begins with the warning/promise of "We're Gonna Groove," and ends with a breakneck punk song, making a case for Led Zeppelin as an accessible, even joyous band in just over half an hour. For whatever it's worth, I like to think Coda would get my alternate-universe, Zeppelin-hating teenage self to put down the clove cigarettes, close the Sassy magazine and give the Pixies a friggin' rest for a minute. Maybe that's a left-handed endorsement, insofar as it's completely hypothetical, but I do mean it with all my heart.

And I haven't worn a ponytail in a very long time.

*

See what else is in the Beachwood Bins. Bin Dive explores rock's secret history through the bargain bins and your old stack of records. Comments - and submissions - welcome. You must include a real name to be considered for publication.

Posted by Don at 12:46 AM | Permalink

November 10, 2007

The Weekend Desk Report

Who needs to import stories about drug-addled thugs winding up in the pokey from across the pond? We've got our own sloppy, drunken mess right here at home!

Market Update
Amid reports of homelessness, delinquency and rampaging oilcolohism, America's chief spin doctor Ben Bernanke finally suggested this week that his client may be a little depressed.

Bad Company
Meanwhile, sources close to America are speaking out, detailing what they call a massive increase in aggressive behavior over the past few years. Most agree the mood swings started when the country started running with the wrong crowd.

Cut Off
Perhaps sensing the need for an intervention, China has agreed to stop supplying America with designer drugs. However, cynical observers note China has shown no interest in helping the U.S. kick its growing dependence on cheap consumer crap.

Fall Out
While most experts agree America will have to hit "rock bottom" before changing its ways, the negative impact from decades of abuse and neglect are already starting to show in some places.

Posted by Natasha at 08:28 AM | Permalink

November 09, 2007

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

If you're a Bears fan, there's something you realize about halfway through each season: Math stinks. To make the playoffs, you need at least nine wins. So at the least, the Bears need to win six of their last eight to have a chance. And at that point, you might as well mail in the season because the Bears would be entering the playoffs as the sixth seed. The only team that parlays the sixth seed into a Super Bowl win is the Pittsburgh Steelers.

So let's face it, the Bears need to go 7-1 or 8-0 to prolong the season. What are the chances? Let's take a look into the Beachwood crystal ball.

*

Week 10: At Oakland
Beachwood Prediction: Raiders work best at sea on a boat. Bears are surprisingly great swimmers, leaving the Raiders defenseless. Besides, Al Davis is really, really old.
Winner: Bears

Week 11: At Seattle
Beachwood Prediction: Seahawks and Bears compete for the same resource: fish. So either the Seahawks go hungry or tempt fate by swooping down for the tasty salmon. Besides, with the game moving to the afternoon, the home fans will be without their requisite 1000 mg of caffeine.
Winner: Bears

Week 11: Denver
Beachwood Prediction: Bears are omnivores, so Broncos and Bears compete for the same resource: tasty plants. So either the Broncos go hungry or tempt fate by standing too long by the berry patch. Besides, Denver fans are too depressed about the Colorado Rockies to care about this game.
Winner: Bears

Week 12: NY Giants
Beachwood Prediction: I'd consider a Giant to be over 7 feet tall. Bears stand at least that tall, plus weigh up to 1500 pounds. So all the Giants can do is run down hill to evade the charging Bears. Not a real talent for tall humans. Besides, New York fans too psyched out over the Yankees to care.
Winner: Bears

Week 13: At Washington
Beachwood Prediction: Technically, "Redskins" do not exist; rather the term represents something unfashionable and outdated. Bears are real. Besides, Washington cares more about what Hillary Clinton ate for breakfast than the game.
Winner: Bears

Week 14: At Minnesota
Beachwood Prediction:Technically, "Vikings" don't exist; rather, Vikings turned into people who produced groups like ABBA and Roxette. Both groups make people very, very sleepy, leaving them defenseless against the Bears. Besides, Minnesota fans are too busy putting snow tires on their cars to care.
Winner: Bears

Week 16: Green Bay
Beachwood Prediction: The Packers are named after the "Indian Packing Company." So not only are the Packers sell-outs, they appearently packed Indians. That's not nice. Besides, Wisconsin fans are too busy putting snow tires on their cars and drinking a fifth of blackberry brandy to care.
Winner: Bears

Week 17: New Orleans
Beachwood Prediction: Saints might have God on their side, but fail miserably in the fighting department. Pope John Paul was a great man, but even he possesses little power versus a bear. Everybody knows the only true religion is Hinduism anyway. Besides, New Orleans fans are too busy waiting for their levees to be rebuilt to care.
Winner: Bears

Final analysis: Bears finish 11-5 and advance to the playoffs, only to have their poor running game, anemic passing game, and overrated defense exposed to a national viewing audience.
Beachwood Prediction: Bears lose 242-0.

*

Bears at Raiders
Storyline: The thoughts running through collective heads of the Kool-Aid Nation: "Hey, this is a winnable game. Oakland is not good. We can do this guys! Let's be real, we're not bad enough to actually lose this game, right?"
Reality: Suggested thoughts: " Hey, we both stink, but we stink a little less. All we have to do is stop the run. Granted, our run defense stops people like a sieve, and the Raiders do a decent job of that. Luckily, the Raiders second-best talent is to run three plays and punt."
Pick: Raiders Plus +3.5 Points, Under 38.5 Points Scored (Bears Win).

*

Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 20%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 10%

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 03:12 PM | Permalink

The [Friday] Papers

Is the Sun-Times's front-page banner headline "Are We Being Poisoned?" a scream for help from its staff?

Better, the paper should have said "Are You Being Deceived?" because the story isn't what you think it is.

Sneak Attack
"Barack Obama's presidential campaign 'scored a significant hit' against chief rival Hillary Rodham Clinton 'by helping to place' a story about tainted Democratic donor Norman Hsu, according to an article about Obama in the December issue of The Atlantic," Lynn Sweet reports.

"The story, titled 'Teacher and Apprentice' by associate editor Marc Ambinder, describes how Obama campaign staffers were 'frustrated' because the press was not covering Clinton "in the way they expected it would.

"' . . . And at a campaign event in Iowa, one of Obama's aides plopped down next to me and spoke even more bluntly. He wanted to know when reporters would begin to look into Bill Clinton's postpresidential sex life,' Ambinder writes."

Still filled with hope?

"Hsu also was a donor to Obama's senate campaign and his HOPEFUND political action committee. If Obama's operatives had a hand in 'helping to place' the Hsu story, it would be counter to the claim that Obama was running a different and unconventional campaign," Sweet writes.

Is that claim still operational?

"Asked for comment on whether the campaign had a hand in 'helping to place' the Hsu story, Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt said 'We had no knowledge of Norman Hsu's past criminal activity, fugitive status or potential straw donor scheme until reading it in the newspaper.'"

See "This Week in Obama: He's a Mudder" for reasons not to believe LaBolt.

Just Say No
The Daily Herald, under editor John Lampinen, who also resisted (briefly at least) in the Richard Jewell case (see 1997), gets it right again. As the Herald's Jim Slusher writes:

"This [Peterson] story out of Bolingbrook, like a similar case involving the disappearance of Lisa Stebic in Plainfield, is slightly outside the Daily Herald's circulation area, so we have relied mostly on Associated Press for coverage. Of course, we realize that we have an important role in serving the legitimate interest in both cases, and thankfully, AP has generally approached them with the kind of restraint we seek. Even so, our copy editors have at times had to edit out comments or phrases that go too far in suggesting the men had a role in their wives' disappearances. That assessment, is for the legal authorities to make. It is entirely natural for family members and even curious onlookers to conceive theories about missing loved ones and to discuss those theories with each other. But when we start making those discussions part of the public record, we come dangerously close to misconstruing them as actual investigation.

"Editor John Lampinen reflects that the Daily Herald must avoid 'pseudo-detective reporting that is blatantly unfair to the people involved' and adds, 'For those who would question the need for restraint in cases like this, all they need to explore is the case of JonBenet Ramsey, who was slain in the basement of her home in Boulder, Colo., in 1996. The news media and police spent almost 10 years vilifying and disparaging the parents, only to finally exonerate them - after the mother had died.'"

Sweeps Week?
"Is Your Pet Trying To Tell You Something?"

Only if his name is Brian.

"Learn How To Speak Its Language! The Dog Listeners. A special report with LeeAnn Trotter."

Tonight, on NBC5 "News."

The Daley Show
Not reported but seen on the video shown on Chicago Tonight last night was the mayor's smirk after pretending he didn't know what reporters were talking about. Why not write that into the story - it's observably true.

"The same Mayor Daley who constantly harps on the bad headlines he thinks reporters want to stick him with professed ignorance on Thursday to a front-page Tribune story about - and a federal investigation into - allegations that City Hall played politics in a Bridgeport land deal to benefit his allies.

"Then he suppressed a smirk as he once again ended a press conference by evading reporters' questions about yet another allegation of corruption in his administration."

Because that's what really happened.

Beachwood HQ
We have a very functional new desk.

U-Turn
How in the world do Brian Urlacher's visitation squabbles qualify as news? I'm not even going to link.

Monster Mash
"I remember fumbling to get the door of the emergency room open. Within ten minutes I was on life support and, subsequently, in a coma for three days. I was completely paralyzed from the head down. I was on a ventilator and had already been administered my last rites. And then I started healing - inexplicably. When I regained my voice, the first question they asked me was 'Do you know who the President of the United States is?' and I said, 'Yes - and he's a monster.'"

- Michael Patrick Thornton, interview, program for Steppenwolf's production of The Elephant Man (Thornton plays John Merrick).

Ride the TTA!
Tehran public transportation vs. the CTA.

The Lip
"Fake Democrat Dan Lipinski is now lying about his Iraq War record. His claim: Lipinski said he has sided with Bush on only two out of 13 Iraq votes. Plenty of other Democrats did too, he said. The reality (near bottom)."

Doll House
"Mall Threats Downplayed By Officials."

But the recent death of an American Girl doll suddenly looks suspicious; doll reportedly said her demise would look like an accident.

Sweet and Lo
Your media at work.

Disclaimer
"I honestly don't understand why it's even necessary to point this out, but [I've found that] it absolutely is," Glenn Greenwald writes on Salon. "Saying something positive about a specific candidate does not mean that one: (a) is voting for that candidate; (b) is encouraging others to support that candidate; (c) believes the candidate espouses every correct view on every issue, (d) sees the candidate as flawless and god-like and the embodiment of political salvation, or (e) hates all the other candidates."

Also from Greenwald: "While Barack Obama toys with the rhetoric of challenging conventional wisdom, [Ron] Paul's campaign - for better or worse - actually does so, and does so in an extremely serious, thoughtful and coherent way."

My City Is Crumbling
The Big Horse mural is gone. I loved that mural. The horse was continually in the process of breaking through that wall.

Says Tim: "He broke on through to the other side. The other side was a glue factory."

We Are Not Men, Jerry
"Jerry [Seinfeld] had once pitched a way for the show to end - it would be a regular episode, and we would be in the coffee shop afterward talking and talking and talking until we ran out of things to say . . . and Jerry would say, 'That's enough.'"

- Jason Alexander, to the Trib's Lou Carlozo

Fantasy Management
"The New England Patriots have achieved sustained dominance since 2001, winning three Super Bowls and 76 percent of their games, including the postseason," Dan Pompei writes in the Trib.

But here's the thing:

"Only seven players remain from the Patriots' 2001 roster, and only two of them . . . were starters on both teams. So the Patriots have done a lot of roster churning, and they have done it effectively."

Reminds me of the Atlanta Braves.

Sports these days is a general manager's game. It's fantasy sports. With salary caps added to free agency, it's about churning and burning but winning immediately at the same time. Managers are left to do what they can with what they're given year in and year out.

At The Inn
Beachwood drawings.

My Favorite Thing
Kot and DeRo dissect The Replacements' "Let It Be," one of the great rock albums of all-time. I'll put it up against any Beatles, Rolling Stones or Who record.

Chicago Rock Vault
Annoying video, but I always dug this band.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Unsatisfied.

Posted by Lou at 08:05 AM | Permalink

Obama's a Mudder

1. "Barack Obama's presidential campaign 'scored a significant hit' against chief rival Hillary Rodham Clinton 'by helping to place' a story about tainted Democratic donor Norman Hsu, according to an article about Obama in the December issue of The Atlantic," Lynn Sweet reports.

"The story, titled 'Teacher and Apprentice' by associate editor Marc Ambinder, describes how Obama campaign staffers were 'frustrated' because the press was not covering Clinton 'in the way they expected it would.'

"'. . . And at a campaign event in Iowa, one of Obama's aides plopped down next to me and spoke even more bluntly. He wanted to know when reporters would begin to look into Bill Clinton's postpresidential sex life,' Ambinder writes.

"Hsu also was a donor to Obama's senate campaign and his HOPEFUND political action committee. If Obama's operatives had a hand in 'helping to place' the Hsu story, it would be counter to the claim that Obama was running a different and unconventional campaign."

Is that claim still operational?

"Asked for comment on whether the campaign had a hand in 'helping to place' the Hsu story, Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt said 'We had no knowledge of Norman Hsu's past criminal activity, fugitive status or potential straw donor scheme until reading it in the newspaper.'"

*

Of course, this sort of thing would not be a departure for Obama, despite his rhetoric and especially considering the top aides he has chosen to run his campaign.

DAVID AXELROD: "Axelrod is known for operating in this gray area, part idealist, part hired muscle," the New York Times reported last spring. "It is difficult to discuss Axelrod in certain circles in Chicago without the matter of the Blair Hull divorce papers coming up. As the 2004 Senate primary neared, it was clear that it was a contest between two people: the millionaire liberal, Hull, who was leading in the polls, and Obama, who had built an impressive grass-roots campaign. About a month before the vote, The Chicago Tribune revealed, near the bottom of a long profile of Hull, that during a divorce proceeding, Hull's second wife filed for an order of protection. In the following few days, the matter erupted into a full-fledged scandal that ended up destroying the Hull campaign and handing Obama an easy primary victory. The Tribune reporter who wrote the original piece later acknowledged in print that the Obama camp had 'worked aggressively behind the scenes' to push the story. But there are those in Chicago who believe that Axelrod had an even more significant role - that he leaked the initial story. They note that before signing on with Obama, Axelrod interviewed with Hull. They also point out that Obama's TV ad campaign started at almost the same time. Axelrod swears up and down that 'we had nothing to do with it' and that the campaign's television ad schedule was long planned. 'An aura grows up around you, and people assume everything emanates from you,' he told me."

So Axelrod is calling the Tribune reporter a liar. Did he demand a correction?

ROBERT GIBBS: "Obama clearly dipped into the slimiest corners of DC to pluck out Gibbs," writes Kos. "[O]ne can't help but get a little cynical hearing Obama talk about 'changing the tone' and all that bullshit, while hiring a well-known smear-meister best known for his work trashing other Democrats."

Jerome Armstrong writes that while working for John Kerry in 2004, Gibbs "embraced" a primary ad in 2004 "that slowly moved in on a Time magazine cover featuring bin Laden, zooming in on a close-up of Osama's eyes, while saying that Howard Dean was an unqualified Democratic candidate because of his lack of military or foreign experience."

PETE ROUSE: "Pete Rouse is the Outsider's Insider, a fixer steeped in the ways of a Washington that Obama has been both eager to learn and quick to publicly condemn," the Washington Post reports.

"Sen. Barack Obama had hired Pete Rouse for just such a moment.

"It was the fall of 2005, and the celebrated young senator - still new to Capitol Hill but aware of his prospects for higher office - was thinking about voting to confirm John G. Roberts Jr. as chief justice. Talking with his aides, the Illinois Democrat expressed admiration for Roberts's intellect. Besides, Obama said, if he were president he wouldn't want his judicial nominees opposed simply on ideological grounds.

"And then Rouse, his chief of staff, spoke up. This was no Harvard moot-court exercise, he said. If Obama voted for Roberts, Rouse told him, people would remind him of that every time the Supreme Court issued another conservative ruling, something that could cripple a future presidential run. Obama took it in. And when the roll was called, he voted no . . .

"And yet this is the Washington of 'cheap political points' and 'petty' partisanship that figures prominently in Obama's public speeches these days. 'I know I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington,' Obama tells his audiences. 'But I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change.'"

*

"Obama had always opposed the Iraq war, one of the left's biggest issues, but in his first two years in the Senate, he did not make it his focus. He gave few speeches on the war and voted for funding it while opposing timetables for withdrawal - both stances that he has reversed since he started running for president.

"On an issue even more delicate on the Hill, Rouse warned Obama to be careful how he pursued congressional ethics legislation - a cause bound to irritate some other senators. Obama, pushed by Gibbs, went as far as voting against an ethics bill that most Senate Democrats supported last year, although under Rouse's guidance, he steered clear of publicly criticizing Democratic Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) for what he felt was a weak bill.

"When the Senate last month approved a bill that banned lawmakers from flying on corporate jets at discounted rates and required disclosure of the names of lobbyists who also serve as 'bundlers,' rounding up contributions for candidates, Obama touted his role in getting it passed."

*

"And Rouse continues to educate Obama on how to be an effective senator."

Maybe Obama should learn that before attempting to be president.

*

"There have been limits, though, to Rouse's success at forging close ties between Obama and his Senate colleagues. In the race for senators' endorsements, Obama has received just one: that of his fellow Illinois Democrat, Sen. Richard J. Durbin."

*

Still filled with hope?

2. Now: "Obama Unveils Plan To Revamp Nation's Bankruptcy Laws."

Then: ""To some liberals, the proposal was a no-brainer: a ceiling of 30 percent on interest rates for credit cards and other consumer debt," the Tribune reported in June. "And as he left his office to vote on it, Obama planned to support the measure, which was being considered as an amendment to a major overhaul of the nation's bankruptcy laws.

"But when the amendment came up for a vote, Obama was standing next to Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-Md.), the senior Democrat on the banking committee and the leader of those opposing the landmark bill, which would make it harder for Americans to get rid of debt.

"'You know, this is probably not a smart amendment for us to vote for,' Obama recalled Sarbanes telling him. 'Thirty percent is sort of a random number.'

"Obama joined Sarbanes in voting against the amendment . . . There remains no federal ceiling on credit card interest rates."

3. About those records.

4. Somerby on cutesy land.

5. "In contrast, in 2000 I had high hopes for President Bush," says Cass Sunstein, University of Chicago law professor and Obama friend and supporter. "I thought [Bush] could be a very good president."

(Also from Sunstein: "I think [Hillary] has been turned into a cartoon by people who dislike her, and the cartoon really does involve an information cascade. There are things said about her character, her conduct, her plans, which have no basis. Once they start circulating they start being widely believed. Even if the particular fact isn't believed, there's a kind of odor that its dissemination produces.")

6. "It's an all-out implosion by the Obama campaign," Kos writes. "This truly is indefensible."

-

"I honestly don't understand why it's even necessary to point this out, but [I've found that] it absolutely is. Saying something positive about a specific candidate does not mean that one: (a) is voting for that candidate; (b) is encouraging others to support that candidate; (c) believes the candidate espouses every correct view on every issue, (d) sees the candidate as flawless and god-like and the embodiment of political salvation, or (e) hates all the other candidates," Glenn Greenwald wrote recently in Salon.

-

Can't get enough of Obama? See the Obamathon collection.

Posted by Lou at 06:26 AM | Permalink

The Chicago Way Out

We all know about The Chicago Way, but the good folks at Beachwood Labs have determined that there is also a Chicago Way Out - surefire suicide methods unique to our fair city. To wit:

* Standing between Jim Belushi and the camera at any Chicago sporting event.

* Honking Joey "The Clown" Lombardo's nose right after spraying selzer water on him.

* Geting in between the governor and his comb.

* Wielding a cell phone while driving black.

* Getting in between Jay Mariotti and any member of the Chicago sports media or any member of a Chicago sports team.

* Riding in a convertible with an FDR lookalike.

* Dressing up as a single-family home in Wicker Park.

* Strapping oneself to any historic city landmark.

* Telling Santiago Calatrava that his Chicago Spire looks like a fuckin' twizzler.

* Chugging your drink every time one of the White Sox announcers complains about the Sox pitcher's strike zone being "squeezed" by the umps.

* Asking any Duff family member if they are the brewers of Duff Beer.

* Asking any Daley family member if they're the brewers of Duff Beer.

* Getting between Todd Stroger and his stupid pills.

* Putting yourself into an unrecoverable coma by listening to 72 consecutive hours of WXRT.

* Ingesting a pinch of arsenic every time Hawk Harrelson says "duck snort."

* Dressing as third base for Halloween next year and ring Lou Piniella's door bell.

* Dressing as a fag for Halloween next year and ring Ozzie Guillen's door bell.

* Taking a job tutoring Todd Stroger and see how long it takes for your brain to shrivel into a non-functioning bowl of jelly.

* Dwelling on Jennifer Hunter's salary.

* Actually eating a meal at the Billy Goat.

* Death by a thousand papercuts received sifting through denied FOIA requests to the city.

* Self-immolation on a pyre of discarded RedEyes.

* Dwelling on Stella Foster's salary.

* Watching local TV news every day for a week until your brain seizes up and induces a catatonic state that freezes all mental activity.

* Making foie gras out of yourself.

* Instead of jumping onto the tracks in front of oncoming El trains, stay on the trains and take your chances.

Posted by Lou at 12:41 AM | Permalink

November 08, 2007

The [Thursday] Papers

You can't say the Sun-Times, which features a photo of Drew Peterson on its front page today above the headline "He Can't Hide Anymore," is violating the age-old principle of not reporting on suspects before they are actually charged, because it turns out Peterson is not, at least officially, a suspect at all.

"Illinois State Police investigating the disappearance of 23-year-old Stacy Peterson have repeatedly said that her husband is not a suspect and declined to say whether they think she was a victim of foul play," the paper reports.

I'm not going to bat for the guy, but the trial of falsely accused Kevin Fox began on Wednesday. Given the irresponsible nature of the media and its misplaced priorities, it's inevitable that another slimed suspect will turn out to be innocent. Didn't Richard Jewell teach these people anything?

Meanwhile, remember the screaming front-page headlines of terrorists planning to blow up the Sears Tower? Their trial is underway in Miami and there's nary a word in the Sun-Times and only a buried story in the Tribune - no doubt because of how shaky that case has turned out to be.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are right: It's about judgement and experience. And learning lessons. Unless, like the Sun-Times, you have no interest in anything other than exploiting other people's tragedy for commercial gain.

Black Thumb
"Another former governor of Illinois stands disgraced today," Eric Zorn writes in the Tribune this morning. "I don't mean George Ryan (though him, too, of course), but Big Jim Thompson."

As I've written before . . . did you ever notice that everything Big Jim touches turns to poo? I mean, Zorn doesn't even mention Thompson's putrid role on the board of Hollinger International where Conrad Black was convicted of looting his own company under audit committee chairman Thompson's nose.

Thompson, in fact, has a track record of backing losers. Remember the Wirtz bill? The crappy new Comiskey he got built by holding taxpayers hostage? The monstrosity bearing his name once known as the State of Illinois Building?

And don't forget, Ryan was one of Thompson's lieutenant governors and the co-chair of Rod Blagojevich's transition team.

Geez, if you see Thompson walking down the street, cross to the other side!

Don't Tase Me, Bro
"The Chicago Police Department's decision to Taser an 82-year-old woman - suffering from dementia and wielding a hammer to protect herself - 'bothers everyone,' Mayor Daley said Wednesday," the Sun-Times reports.

"Tasers are there to not use any other force. That's the issue you look at," Daley said. "But again, this is someone's mother and grandmother, [82] years old. That's why it's a very, very, very difficult job, the police department."

Huh?

Did no reporter ask, "Why does that make it difficult, Mr. Mayor? Wasn't this an easy call for just the reasons you've outlined? The police can't subdue a crazy 82-year-old with a hammer without tasing her?"

"It's very unfortunate that it had to result to that, but I certainly, understand," said Ald. Isaac Carothers (29th), chairman of the city council's police committee.

"I'm pleased that they decided not to shoot her and they decided not to tackle her and that they didn't use the night stick, which may have been options if someone is swinging a hammer at you."

So the chairman of the city council's police committee thinks shooting the 82-year-old woman was an option?

She's not the only one suffering from dementia.

Loopy Tax
"Daley Rips Loop Business Tax."

Suggest tasing downtown business owners instead.

Child's Play
Only three of 33 paragraphs in the Tribune's front-page story today about the CHA rewarding redeemable "points" to residents for "good behavior" like attending a PTA meeting or kids cleaning their rooms were allotted to criticism of the program.

That means the Tribune likes it. Because, of course, the story could have been approached from the exact opposite angle.

"Other critics have charged that the idea that paying the poor to 'do the right thing' is crass and demeaning," one of those critical paragraphs says.

Who are these other critics? Perhaps their points could be elucidated. Or you could just rewrite the CHA press release. And we all know the CHA is filled with geniuses! Maybe they're the ones who should be on merit pay.

Here's what Janet Smith of UIC had to say:

"I bristle at anything tha deals with behavior change. That assumes that behavior is the problem."

If behavior was the problem, poor people would come from all sorts of backgrounds; screw-ups from Wilmette and Winnetka would wind up in projects too.

We still don't want to confront the blinding fact that poverty is an economic issue. Until we do, it will always be with us.

Character Issue
For quite a long time, after all, George Ryan and Conrad Black were rewarded for their bad behavior. The character issue is funny that way.

The Daley Show
"Standing in an intersection in the Back of the Yards neighborhood Wednesday, Mayor Richard Daley reprimanded the community for not identifying the shooters who killed a pregnant woman in front of her three young children on Halloween," the Tribune reports.

"You know who did it," Daley said. "Don't be blaming the police. Look in the mirror and say, 'I can do better.'"

Then the mayor returned to City Hall and espoused the same message to his administration: "You know who hired Angelo Torres. Don't be blaming federal prosecutors. Look in the mirror and say, 'I can do better.'"

Then he went to police headquarters and told officers: "You know who the torturers and abusers are. Don't be blaming the media. Look in the mirror and say, 'I can do better.'"

Didn't he?

Equal Opportunity
Then the mayor went to the Sun-Times and said: "You knew what David Radler and Conrad Black were doing to your paper . . . "

Protest Chic
"Teenagers today seem to care more about their iPods and Xboxes than what's happening in the world," the Sun-Times opines this morning.

Yes. Adults, too. Just look at the content of your own newspaper.

"One informal survey at a local college found that half couldn't name the country where Saddam Hussein ruled."

Yes. And serious editorial pages rely on informal surveys for their data. But what about the more rigorous surveys showing how many adults believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11? News illiteracy has never been bound by generation.

"We're all about practicing our constitutional rights at this newspaper and certainly believe that students should be encouraged to voice their opinion."

We do it every day! Just not, um, inside the newsroom when we see wrongdoing because, well, you know. Office politics. And we have mortgages to pay. But it's so cute when you do it!

"It's too easy today for kids to be apathetic and self-centered, so we applaud those who express any interest in our government's foreign policy.'

Of course, one look at the content of our newspaper show how little we're interested in foreign policy, hey, good for you!

The editorial goes on to mention that the paper is against the Iraq War without mentioning that it is retroactively against the war - after being one of its biggest media cheerleaders - and only has been for a few months.

So lessons a plenty on the Sun-Times editorial page today, young students. Learn well.

The Beachwood Tip Line: You will not be graded.

Posted by Lou at 07:35 AM | Permalink

Chicagoetry: The Conquest of Shit Creek

THE CONQUEST OF SHIT CREEK

Black Hawk said "Fuck
This, I want

My land
Back." Beaubien

Thought he'd
Pulled a fast

One, got the Heathens
Drunk, got 'em to sign away

Their land.
Earlier in the day, the Natives

Guffawed that Whitey
Wanted to scalp 'em for

Shit
Creek! Only the French

Could put a whorehouse
On every bank! "Then they'll get us

Get good and
Drunk . . . "

Dissolve, months later:
Black Hawk is like

"Fuck this, I'm taking
It all

Back." They
Wiped him

Out, but he
Made his

Run.

-

J. J. Tindall is the Beachwood's poet-in-residence. He can reached at jjtindall@yahoo.com. Chicagoetry is an exclusive Beachwood collection-in-progress.

Posted by Lou at 03:33 AM | Permalink

Over/Under

At this point of the season, your team might not be the only team giving up hope. Millions of football fans play fantasy football, and most of those fans have given up on their fantasy football teams too. For those fantasy teams with a 3-6 record, it's time to look to next year.

But unlike real teams, fantasy teams can easily reinvent themselves by changing their name. The average Beachwood Reporter reader demands a witty, refined name to show off your intelligence. Here are some ideas for next year, by genre.

*

TV
* The Peter Griffins
* The Real Housewives of Cook County
* Cavemen
* Flava Flav's Fifth STD
* The Interventions

Politics
* Tommy Tancredo (And His All-Girl Orchestra)
* The Duncan Hunters
* Hillary's Hypotheticals
* Rudy's Wives
* 9/11

Sports
* Barry's Bondsmen
* Vick's Dawgs
* Johnson's Tank
* Disco Tex and the Sexy Rexy-o-lettes
* Let Manny Be Manny

Music
* Gnarls Barkley (And His All-Girl Orchestra)
* Brittney Baby One More Time
* Get the Led Out Reunion Tour
* The E Street Band-Aids
* Back in Black

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OverHyped Game of the Week: Jaguars at Titans
Storyline: Division rivals vie for an inside track to an AFC Wild Card berth.
Reality: Behold the three-yard gain! Marvel at the great incomplete pass! What an interception, it' like the DB was in the huddle! Both QBs make it look easy - for the defense. Luckily Tennessee benefits from a short field and 22 defensive TDs.

Pick Titans Minus 4.5, Over 35 Points Scored.

*

UnderHyped Game of the Week: Colts at Chargers
Storyline: Oh no! Payton Manning is human! Watch out! San Diego needs the win to have a chance at the playoffs! What, Manning and Tomlinson shill for rival TV companies? Oh boy, it's an HDTV throwdown!
Reality: Here's the main problem: The Chargers are coached by a Turner. It's kind of like being coached by Emilio Estevez or Charlie Sheen; they should be better than what you see on TV, but never are.

Pick: Colts Minus 3.5 Points, Under 48.5 Points Scored.

-

Results
Last week: 1-3 (1-1 Against the Spread, 0-2 Over/Under)
Season: 22-30 (10-16 Against the Spread, 12-14 Over/Under)

-

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 03:02 AM | Permalink

November 07, 2007

The [Wednesday] Papers

"What a horse's behind," Mark Brown writes this morning about former Gov. George Ryan, who reports to federal prison in Oxford, Wisconsin today.

Far from apologizing, Ryan still insists he has done no wrong, despite not only his conviction by jury but two federal appeals court rulings that found the evidence against him "overwhelming," and announced his intention to prove his innocence.

He's going to conduct his own search for the real killer?

Even Dan Webb and Jim Thompson haven't been able to save him - and their last appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court is the thinnest of reeds, though this is a court even more wacky than the one that twisted itself into a legal corkscrew to award George W. Bush the presidency, so who knows.

"I've been fortunate to have at my disposal the finest legal team in the country in Winston & Strawn," Ryan said in a statement he read yesterday.

I guess the finest legal team in the country ain't what it used to be.

"However, there are many less fortunate with fewer means than I have still fighting for justice."

And Webb and Thompson will get right back to defending them pro bono as soon as my appeal is finally over!

"It would have been easy over the course of these years to fold under the unrelenting pressure and enter into a plea bargain that would've spared my family a lot of pain," Ryan continued. "But such a plea would just not have been truthful."

Plus, I thought maybe I could hang a jury!

"We have all been guilty of errors in judgement," Ryan said when he was inaugurated as governor in 1999, the Tribune editorial page notes. "But you can rest assured that I will do my very best to honor your trust in me. If I make a mistake, I'll tell you, and we'll try again."

"He was lying," the Tribune says. "By the time he gave that speech, Ryan had committed multiple crimes against the citizens who had given him their trust."

Including the Tribune editorial page, which endorsed Ryan despite a career filled with the kind of shenanigans that were already coming undone while the man was Secretary of State. ( See The [Ryan] Papers.)

People are who they are - and most never learn.

Long Line
"Ryan's Gone," the Trib edits headline says. "Who's Next?"

A) Rod Blagojevich
B) Richard M. Daley

Shame on us, writes John Kass.

*

You're either with 'em or agin' 'em.

Media Included
"I'm so tired of all of it," Kass writes. "Tired of the noise. Tired of his favored pals, the Nobel Prize nomination suck-ups, and the spinners who drank his whiskey and ate his steak and bonded over free golf."

Sneed Feed
Predictably, the Sun-Times deemed Michael Sneed's "scoop" that Ryan's last meal at home in Kankakee as tortellini soup and banana cream pie as full front-page material.

Apparently Sneed also has a clear conscience - and no sense of shame.

*

Ryan said he was ready to go, but forgot to add that he was fired up.

*

This photo of a welcome sign should have been the front page of the Sun-Times instead of buried inside.

BJ's BJ
"Actor Mike Farrell of M*A*S*H fame, a fan of Ryan for his work on the death penalty, called the case against Ryan 'disgraceful' and said he hoped the Supreme Court would throw it out," the Sun-Times reports.

Farrell is set to play Dean Bauer in Hell on Wheels: The George Ryan Story.

Family Affair
In his statement, Ryan mentioned his children and other family members by name, but forgot to detail the graft he bestowed on each. He didn't want to start any jealous feuding.

Gov Club
In a statement, Rod Blagojevich said he too was looking for the real killer.

Persons of Interest
Craig Stebic said he can relate to what Ryan is going through. In tomorrow's Sun-Times!

Irony Alert
What if Ryan got in an accident with a trucker on his way to Wisconsin? Just sayin' . . .

Prison Welcome
Ryan said the other day that he "got screwed." And maybe . . . nah, too easy.

Another Innocent Man
Former Sun-Times boss Conrad Black says he doesn't regret not taking the stand at his recent trial.

"I mean, I could've dealt with the questions but it would've prolonged the trial and it would've confused things," Black told Bloomberg News.

Yes, better to just get your conviction over with than prolong a trial and confuse a jury about your innocence.

Police Probe
The Chicago Police Department is now conducting consumer satisfaction surveys. Apparently it doesn't like the ones it already has.

Green Screen
"Though the city once claimed that about 25 percent of its garbage was being recycled, a 2005 Tribune investigation put the figure at around 8 percent," the Trib editorial page notes. "The city's own study found that roughly13 percent of households participated - and less than 2 percent in some wards. The only real beneficiaries of the blue bag program were the political insiders who got the contracts."

A) That's what we mean about a "green" mayor.
B) Did we say "green" mayor? We meant "greed" mayor.
C) The mayor says he's searching for the real litterer.

Cable Crawl
A Comcast ad across the top of the Trib's website the last couple of days looks just like breaking news. I'm sure it's an oversight and they never intended to deceive readers.

Oprah Dope
I think I might have known this, but Oprah on Tuesday said this was the most-watched video in YouTube history.

Mystery Restaurant Theater
See if you can find Andrew Kingsford, the Angry Australian of Humboldt Park, on the new MySpace site for the Flying Saucer restaurant.

Andrew co-owns the restaurant and is a member of the Beachwood's Mystery Debate Theater team.

Photo File
A guilty, unrepentant man.

And his last tasty meal for quite some time.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Mmm, banana cream pie . . .

Posted by Lou at 09:03 AM | Permalink

Chicagoetry: Men Made Out Of Birds

MEN MADE OUT OF BIRDS

Behold the Birdman: dove feathers, black eyes, wine-red tail.
Belligerent as the garish sun, Jove-bound to make war.
His cold, dove blood hums. Then, dove-white, lightning strikes.
Blonde smoke billows, black doves dive, then die.
The flock of his body flings mercilessly, hissing.
What pain is his mother? What rain fangs the bleak eyes?
This is the rain that flecks black eyes: the last lust of American Mars.
Thus solitary, and like a widow thus. Cold, light blood. Red stars, plum stars.
Old, cold light. The black blinking sky: cacophony of war widows.
War: rain burns and blood reigns. He taught a tree to see and it learned.
This is the pain that mothers lust. He set a bee free and it burned.

Amplest of Nations, King of Provinces, still in the night he weeps.
Perfidiously his friends have dealt, and are now enemies. Bleak smoke
Shields now the fiends. Bleak might of Jove! Shark bone beak! Black widows

Shriek.

-

J. J. Tindall is the Beachwood's poet-in-residence. He can reached at jjtindall@yahoo.com. Chicagoetry is an exclusive Beachwood collection-in-progress.

Posted by Lou at 06:43 AM | Permalink

The Beachwood Country All-Stars

Beachwood Bob, the co-owner with his brother of the Beachwood Inn, recently held a tag sale to clear out various items inside an old house they owned down the block from the bar. In after-sale scavenging, Bob gave me the pick of whatever records remained. This is what I grabbed.

*

1. All-Time Country & Western Hits/Nashville All Stars
A Dynagroove Recording as well as an RCA Victor Record Club Special. Produced by Bob Ferguson and Chet Atkins, 1965.

2. This Is Music From Nashville/Columbia Special Products
Includes Ray Price, Lester Flatt, Earl Scruggs, Marty Robbins, Mac Davis, and Johnny Cash.

3. Golden Hits/Roger Miller
"Years before Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson grew their hair long, Miller took country to the counterculture with these hipster twists on the Nashville sound," writes Dan Cooper of All Music Guide. "No tunesmith in Music City had ever tossed off songs like 'Dang Me,' 'King of the Road,' 'Chug-A-Lug,' and 'Engine Engine #9.' No one has since." From Smash Records.

4. An Evening at the Famous Flying W Ranch.
Vol. 2, from Flying W Records out of Colorado Springs and featuring the Flying W Wranglers.

5. Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs/Marty Robbins
"A lonely Westerner in Nashville, Marty Robbins salved his soul by cutting an album (in one afternoon) of mostly self-composed cowboy ballads," writes Colin Escott on Amazon.com. "One of them was a four-and-a-half-minute epic, 'El Paso,' that broke every rule of Top 40 programming to become a No. 1 pop and country hit in 1960. Robbins was arguably the most surefooted and accomplished singer in all country music, and that was never more obvious than on these Western ballads performed to often breathtaking perfection with a very small group and a vocal trio. Other titles include 'Big Iron' (also a Top 30 hit), 'Running Gun,' and Western classics like 'Cool Water,' 'Billy the Kid' and 'The Strawberry Roan.' Three extra tracks flesh out the 1999 release, including 'Saddle Tramp' (the B-side of 'Big Iron') and 'The Hanging Tree' (title song from the 1959 Gary Cooper Western)."

6. Hootenanny Parade
From Camay Records. Includes The Weavers and The Sportsmen.

7. The Best of Charley Pride
Produced by Chet Atkins, Jack Clement, Bob Ferguson and Felton Jarvis. On RCA, 1969.

Pride appeared on The Johnny Cash Show the same year he released this record to sing a medley of Hank Williams songs with the host.

8. The Ink Spots at Las Vegas
From Spin-O-Rama Records. Includes "When The Saints Go Marching In."

The Ink Spots "helped define the musical genre that led to rhythm & blues and rock and roll, and the subgenre doo-wop," according to Wikipedia.

9. Roger Miller
Features seven songs from "Big River" plus four more. On the cover, Roger is wearing an argyle sweater.I can't seem to find a photo of it. 1986.

10. Marty Robbins' Greatest Hits Vol. III
Produced by Bob Johnston, on Columbia. Comes in eight-track too.

11. It's A Sin/Marty Robbins
"The Who's 2006 album Endless Wire includes the song "God Speaks, of Marty Robbins," according to Wikipedia. "The song's composer, Pete Townshend, explains that the song is about God's deciding to create the universe just so he can hear some music, 'and most of all, one of his best creations, Marty Robbins.'"

12. Marty's Country/Marty Robbins
A Deluxe 2-Record Set with 20 All-Time Great Recordings in One Great Package. Includes "Streets of Laredo," "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry," "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You," and "Long Tall Sally."

13. Mel Tillis' Greatest Hits, Vol. 2
On Kapp Records (MCA), 1971. Includes "One More Drink" and "Heartaches By the Number."

14. The Tender Side of Ray Charles
From Suffox Marketing.

15. I Wrote A Song About It/Tom T. Hall
On Mercury, 1975. Includes "I Like Beer" and "It Rained In Every Town Except Paducah."

16. I Never Picked Cotton/Roy Clark
"It's fast cars and whiskey, long-haired girls and fun for all concerned."

17. Your Cheatin' Heart and other Hank Williams Favorites as sung by Johnny Williams.
From Custom Records.

18. Bummin' Around With Jimmy Dean
La Brea Records. "Jimmy Dean can truly be considered the 'Dean' of Country and Western entertainers." Includes "Why Don't You Shut Your Mouth (And Open Your Heart)" and "I'm Feelin' For You (But I Can't Reach You)."

19. The Best of Don Gibson
RCA Victor, 1965. Includes "Oh Lonesome Me" and "I Can't Stop Lovin' You."

Not to be confused with The Very Best of Don Gibson, Remembering Don Gibson, Don Gibson's K-Tel Greatest Hits, Don Gibson Greatest Hits, Don Gibson All-Time Greatest Hits (K-Tel), Don Gibson 20 Greatest Songs, Best of Don Gibson, Greatest Hits Vol. 1, Greatest Hits Vol. 2, Country Gems, 18 Greatest Hits, All-Time Greatest Hits (RCA), A Legend In My Time, Collection, The Best of Don Gibson Vol. 21 (Capitol/Curb), The Don Gibson Collection, Early Years, Collector's Series, 20 of the Best, Rockin' Rollin' Gibson Vol. 1, Rockin' Rollin' Gibson Vol. 2, Gibson Sound, 15 Greatest Hits, Don Gibson Sings All-Time Country Gold, Great Gibson, or .

20. I'm So Used To Loving You/Conway Twitty
MCA, 1973. Liner notes by Barbara Smith, a secretary at United Talent, Inc. Also noted: Fan club information including the address of national fan club president Elizabeth Rich of Peoria.

21. The Very Best of Mel Tillis and The Statesiders.
MGM, 1971. Mel contracted malaria when he was three-years-old that left him with a permanent stutter. "During his school days, various treatments failed to cure this speech problem and though originally embarrassed by it, he managed in later years to turn it into a trademark," according to his Hastings Entertainment bio. He built his reputation not only as a performer, but a songwriter, turning out hits for artists such as Webb Pierce, Ray Price and Bobby Bare ("Detroit City", which he co-wrote with Danny Dill).

-

See what else is rattlin' 'round the Cellar.

Posted by Lou at 04:03 AM | Permalink

The Periodical Table

A weekly look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

Wilco Wah-Wah
A friend more accepting of Wilco's decision to license its songs to Volkswagen says "That's what it takes to pay for Nels Cline."

I don't know if that's true, but it sure isn't an excuse.

Cline is the guitarist brought into Wilco in 2004 "as one more sign of bandleader Jeff Tweedy's ongoing interest in broadening the scope and ambition of the band's sound," Jesse Fox Mayshark writes in the November-December issue of No Depression (not available online).

"The band has given Cline more visibility than anything he's done before," Mayshark writes. So maybe he oughta be paying Tweedy.

Not that Clines isn't good. He is.

And he gives Mayshark an interesting interview worth your time if you're a fan of Wilco, Clines or guitar players in general.

Or you can just hear his work on TV selling Jettas.

Guitar Town
"I haven't been to jail in thirteen years," Steve Earle says in the same issue. "I haven't been divorced in ten years. This is the first time I've been married sober. And I've been making records sober longer than I made records on drugs."

Regime Change
"When you have a regime that would be happier in the afterlife than in this life, this is not a regime that is subject to the classic theories of [nuclear] deterrence," John Bolton says in this week's New York Times Magazine.

Unironically, he's talking about Iran, not America.

Other Bolton delusions:

* "I think it's almost beyond dispute that we were right to overthrow Saddam and the threat his regime posed."

As Doonesbury might say, you'll have to forgive him, he's been living inside the bubble.

* "I don't think the world has a correct temperature."

Well, a survivable temperature might be considered a correct one.

"[T]he notion that that you are going to reduce carbon emissions enough to have an impact on [global warming] is just - serious people don't believe that's true."

Because serious people believe that folks like Bolton and his friends will always find a way to thwart the public interest out of greed and ignorance.

* About Bolton returning an unneeded Thanksgiving turkey to Safeway: "Well, who are we going to give it to? Here, you want a turkey?"

Again, the bubble.

God and Man
In the same issue, Mark Oppenheimer explains all in the curious story of British philosopher Antony Flew, a famous atheist whose apparent newfound belief in God has evangelicals crowing. But, as Oppenheimer writes, "his change of heart may not be what it seems."

And "may" is putting it lightly.

Strummer Boy
"In the late seventies and early eighties, Joe Strummer, one of the leaders of the Clash, wrote and performed some of the most mercurial rock-and-roll songs ever heard," the New Yorker notes in a capsule review of The Future Is Unwritten.

"The director Julien Temple, Strummer's friend, brings together home movies, audio recordings, and incendiary performances in a documentary portrait of one of music's true anarchic geniuses . . . Temple weaves together a film that is both heady and humble, entirely worthy of Strummer's spontaneous, astonishing music."

Note: Greg Kot and Jim DeRogatis will host a special screening of The Future Is Unwritten at the Music Box on Friday NOVEMBER 16