« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »

November 30, 2007

The [Friday] Papers

Barring the exceedingly unlikely prospect that the city council doesn't confirm him, Chicago has a new police chief.

And we learned next to nothing in today's coverage about his plans to fix a hobbled department fighting controversy and scandal on several fronts.

If you don't count the exciting fact that he and his wife are both fitness buffs and like to ride bikes.

Here are some questions for Jody Weis, our new top cop.

1. Do you believe a string of controversial and scandalous incidents involving Chicago police officers are the result of a few bad apples or illustrative of an institutional problem?

2. What leads you to believe that?

3. What do you intend to do about that?

4. Do you believe the names of officers with the most abuse complaints filed against them should be available to the public?

5. How do you intend to strengthen the department's internal system of ferreting out and disciplining wrongdoing?

6. Do you believe whistleblowers are rats or heroes?

7. Will you be taking orders from the mayor?

8. Do you believe in community policing?

9. If so, what is your vision for just what community policing is and how it should work?

10. Will you be looking at redrawing beats to reflect changes in population and the geography of crime?

11. What did you and the mayor discuss in the interview process?

12. What did the mayor tell you he wanted you to do?

13. What are your top three priorities?

14. Do you believe that people of color have some justification to be wary of the police?

15. What steps will you propose taking to build stronger relationships with minority communities?

And for the mayor.

1. What skills does Jody Weis possess that the other candidates didn't?

2. What kind of vision for the department did Weis lay out for you?

3. Will Weis have the independence to make changes at the department that you don't agree with?

4. When you established an executive emergency response position a few years ago, you said it was important to have a single, focused person in charge of such affairs. Now Weis will hold both jobs. What changed?

5. What changes have you and Weis already agreed to?

6. What are your top three priorities for the police department?

7. If you are going to conduct superintendent searches outside of the proscribed police board process, why not just eliminate the police board?

8. Andrew Wilson, the cop killer whose case broke open the Jon Burge torture scandals, just died. Have you scheduled your promised deposition in one of the cases arising from those scandals yet?

Pervez Daley
"Daley acknowledged Thursday that as the board did its work this time, he conducted a search of his own," the Tribune reported near the bottom of its account about Weis's selection.

"With what amounted to Daley's pre-endorsement, Weis was among the three finalists whose names were submitted to him by the board, the mayor said."

Isn't the mayor operating outside the process kind of a big deal? Why no front-page headlines like "Mayor Rigged Police Chief Selection"?

Secret Police
"Departing from past practice, Daley said he kept the names [of 'finalists'] secret to prevent embarrassment and problems with their current employers."

"All of a sudden, someone says, 'Are you unhappy with this position? Is there something wrong with you?'" Daley says.

A) Or they say, 'Wow, you're a finalist for Chicago police chief? What can we offer to keep you?"
B) Let's keep mayoral finalists secret too.

Torture Test
"Wilson claimed that he told assistant state's attorney Larry Hyman, chief of the felony review section, that he'd just been tortured; later in the day, when he took Wilson's confession with a court reporter present, Hyman failed to ask a prescribed question about whether the statement was being given voluntarily," John Conroy writes in the Reader.

"That extraordinary omission might have aroused the curiosity of state's attorney Richard Daley and his first assistant, Dick Devine, but apparently it didn't. And there was no indication that they cared to get to the bottom of Wilson's treatment when the Illinois Supreme Court threw out his conviction (and death sentence) in 1987."

Hyde Tide
In "The Principled Henry Hyde," the Tribune editorial page this morning excuses the longtime Illinois congressman who died Thursday for leading the impeachment of Bill Clinton in the U.S. House.

Here's what the Sun-Times reports, though:

"As House Judiciary Committee chair, Hyde had to run the show, though some colleagues said his heart was not in it. [Abner] Mikva was special counsel to Clinton at the time.

"'We had tried to work out a plan where Congress would reprimand Clinton without impeaching him. And Henry was on board with that,' Mikva said. 'But then somebody at the White House outed Henry's affair with this woman, a "youthful indiscretion," and at that point, Henry said he was just not inclined to cooperate anymore.'"

Well, I suppose you could say revenge and spite are principles.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Youthfully discreet.

Posted by Lou at 09:39 AM | Permalink

Dear Customer: We're Watching You

I received letters from two of my credit cards recently saying "We noticed you were having trouble using an ATM recently. Here's your PIN number."

Indeed, I tried to withdraw cash with those cards and couldn't because I had my PIN numbers wrong.

It reminded me of those OnStar commercials where they can unlock your car for you over the phone. Or how the cable company can turn your TV on and off from the central office.

So we here at Beachwood Labs got to thinking. Here are some other letters we expect to receive soon.

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were having a hard time pooping the other day. Here's a coupon for our new and improved stool softener.

* Dear Registered Voter: We noticed you were arguing the merits of John Edwards versus Barack Obama with a friend the other day. Here's some material about Obama we hope will change your mind.

* Dear Potbellied Drinker: We noticed you were drinking Miller High Life the other night. Did you know that Bud Light offers the same great taste at half the calories?

* Dear Customer: We noticed you were trying to drink yourself to death the other day. Here's a 10% off coupon for a shotgun - redeem at any Wal-Mart store.

* Dear Parent: We noticed your child was crying last night. Here's a coupon for $5 off your next video game purchase at Game Stop, so you can buy back his love.

* Dear Music Lover: We noticed your frustration in the car the other day when you couldn't find a decent song on the radio. Have you ever considered XM satellite radio? You can get it in your car you know. Just thought we'd let you know.

* Dear Citizen: We overheard you complaining about your alley the other day. We also noticed you aren't registered to vote. Perhaps you should drop by your alderman's office.

* Dear Fellow: We noticed the guilt you felt thge other day when you ate that whole batch of sugar cookies in one sitting. We have a great deal at Bally's right now that includes your first month free. Give it some thought.

* Hey Buster: We know what's making that weird sound when you apply your brakes. You better stop in soon and you'll be sorry.

* Dear Traffic Violator: We noticed that yellow light turned red just as you went through it the other day . . .

* Dear Lonely Single: I noticed you staring longingly at those American Apparel ads the other day. Give me a call. And don't forget to have your credit card number with you when you do.

- Rick Kaempfer, Tim Willette, Steve Rhodes

Posted by Lou at 07:50 AM | Permalink

November 29, 2007

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

Here is the deal with bad ideas: you'd think people would have the good sense to avoid them. After a quick check of the stats before the Denver game, one finds that Devin Hester leads the team in TDs. That's noteworthy for a RB or WR, but crazy for somebody who excels in a facet least known for scoring. When your starting QB has fewer TD passes than a Return Specialist, perhaps the squib kick is your best option. To quote Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force, a man's got to know his limitations.

Just in case it needs to be said again: Don't kick to Devin Hester and don't do any of the following either.

* Start a land war in Asia or the Middle East during the winter. Or without an exit plan.

* When running for President, address Hillary Clinton as "The Honorable Skank from New York."

* Play the song "Dominic the Donkey" even if you're trying to get the song stuck in somebody else's head.

* Purchase the official "Countdown to the Chris Dodd Presidency" wall calendar.

* Gleefully comment that we're watching history unfold after two teams fail to score after 59 minutes of football. (At the end of regulation of a 0-0 game, should the NFL change the terminology of "Overtime" to "Injury Time"?)

* Suggest that you should make "Top 10" money after making one difficult catch all year.

* Smoke weed. Move to Canada. Get crushed on return to NFL.

* In first interview after exchanging the Cubs presidency for the Blackhawks presidency, state "After guiding the stretch run to 99 years of losses, I'm looking forward to extending the Blackhawks from 47 years and beyond."

* Give Ozzie Guillen a contract extension.

* Complain about the size of Jimmy Dean's sausage.

-

Giants at Bears
Storyline: The Giants don't want to shit their pants. The Bears hope that everybody and their mothers shit their pants.
Reality: After their loss to the Vikings, it appears the Giants slipped on the rug on the way to the bathroom. They continue with shitty pants.
Pick: Chicago Plus 2, Over 41.5 Points Scored

-

Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 15%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: <1%

-

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 03:39 PM | Permalink

The Periodical Table

A (somewhat irregular) weekly look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

Cell Mates
What follows might sound like science, but bear with me. As one subject says in the New Yorker story "Darwin's Surprise," if you think about this for five minutes, it's wild stuff.

"Viruses produce rapidly and often with violent results, yet they are so rudimentary that many scientists don't even consider them to be alive. A virus is nothing more than a few strands of genetic material wrapped in a package of protein - a parasite, unable to function on its own.

"In order to survive, it must find a cell to infect. Only then can any virus make use of its single talent, which is to take control of a host's cellular machinery and use it to churn out thousands of copies of itself.

"These viruses then move from one cell to the next, transforming each new host into a factory that makes even more virus. In this way, one infected cell soon becomes billions."

Okay, so big deal. Nice biology lesson.

Well, the thing is this: Scientists are piecing together extinct viruses and bringing them back to life. By doing so, they can figure out how they work and, in the case of HIV, for example, find a way to stop them. But that's not really the point of the article.

In doing this work, scientists have come to understand that viruses are a piece of our genetic code; they have helped determine our evolutionary history so dramatically that we still may be laying eggs if it wasn't for them.

And why is this an important discovery?

Because dead viruses found in our genetic code and classified as "junk DNA" are like fossils that can chart our history. "Darwin's surprise [at this development] almost certainly would be mixed with delight," Michael Specter writes. "When he suggested, in The Descent of Man (1871), that humans and apes shared a common ancestor, it was a revolutionary idea, and it remains one today.

"Yet nothing provides more convincing evidence for the 'theory' of evolution than the viruses contained within our DNA."

Your Press Corps
"'Going After Gore' is a fascinating essay, but it seems to miss an important part of the story," James MacMillan of Toronto writes to Vanity Fair.

"Armed with money, influence, and the protection of the First Amendment, the media bravely went out and inaccurately reported the story, not just once but repeatedly.

"Gore's message was distorted because the reporters covering him were out of their intellectual depth, oeverwhelmed by any reference to recent political history, and completely uneducated about the issues.

"Now they offer the reasoning that 'he probably could have overcome' their incompetence.'"

(Vanity Fair has posted more letters responding to the Gore story on their website.)

Night Fever
I'm not a huge Saturday Night Fever fan, though the soundtrack cannot be denied, but this retelling of how the improbable blockbuster came together in the Movies Rock supplement is fascinating (not available online as far as I can tell).

* "The Bee Gees weren't even involved in the movie in the beginning," says Travolta. "I was dancing to Stevie Wonder and Boz Scaggs."

* "The Bee Gees were broken. They were touring Malaysia and Venezuela, the two places where they were still popular."

* "The Bee Gees played their demos [for producer Robert Stigwood]: 'How Deep Is Your Love,' 'Stayin' Alive,' 'Night Fever,' 'More Than a Woman.' '[He] flipped out and said these will be great,' Barry Gibb said. 'We still had no concept of the movie, except some kind of rough script that they'd brought with them. You've got to remember, we were fairly dead in the water at that point, 1975."

* "The music had a profound effect on the cast and crew. It changed everything."

* Stigwood had the option for making Grease but because the musical was still going strong, he couldn't begin production before the spring of 1978. Saturday Night Fever was something he did in the meantime.

* The film derived from a New York magazine cover story "whose illustrations helped persuade [author Nik] Cohn's editor in chief, Clay Felker, to run it. The title was changed from 'Another Saturday Night' to 'Tribal Rites of the New Saturday Night.'"

* Cohn was paid $90,000 for the rights to the story, which turned out to be fictionalized though based on real reporting.

Mocking Mitt
"The [Mormon] church's position is that, while Christ will indeed appear at the Mount of Olives, he will also build a new Jerusalem in Jackson County, Missouri, which will serve as the seat of his 1,000-year reign on Earth," the New Republic recalls. "Romney had conveniently neglected to mention this part of his church's doctrine."

Because that would sound crazy.

But any crazier than the doctrine of any other religion or cult? I mean, we could try to square the circle on that whole Trinity thing. Similarly, I'm reminded of a Family Guy scene depicting Abraham walking down a mountain with his son, who says "What the fuck was that all about?"

Posted by Lou at 03:15 PM | Permalink

The [Thursday] Papers

Though it had its stretches of boring demagoguery, last night's Republican debate was pretty interesting all-in-all. Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney engaged in actual debating, and Fred Thompson finally made a decent showing. Yet, if you are a Sun-Times reader, you got three paragraphs on page 20 just above the Garage King ad.

Think of that the next time the paper's editorial page chastises the public for their lack of political participation, knowledge and engagement.

*

The Tribune put their debate story on Page One. But nobody in Chicago is offering as extensive, witty and insightful coverage as The Beachwood Reporter. Imagine that.

Beaver Cleaver
Forrest Claypool on the most coincidental ward in Cook County history.

Deed Creed
"I manage a bunch of knuckleheads on a daily basis."
- Debra Williams-Burnett of the Cook County Recorder of Deeds office, on employees who apparently solicited tips from the public by hanging Christmas stockings at their work stations

Obamaland
Who's the insider with an ethical compass bent by ambition?

*

"Let me get back to you on that," Obama spokesman Bill Burton told the Sun-Times about two weeks ago. The paper is still waiting.

Who's that talking about straight answers to tough questions again?

*

"But Burton defended Obama's voting to invest the [Woods Fund] charity's money with [clouty developer and campaign contributor Allison] Davis rather than abstaining to avoid the appearance of a possible conflict of interest.

"It was a worthwhile project," Burton said. "It's not a conflict of interest to do what's right for your community."

So you only abstain from a vote because of a conflict of interest when you are opposed to something?

*

"Davis declined to comment."

*

"His son Cullen Davis is paid to manage the building [funded by the charity on whose board Obama once sat]."

Nice.

*

While Obama saw no conflict-of-interest in voting to deliver a lucrative bounty to his former law firm employer and campaign contributor, the board's chairman abstained from voting because of his own ties to Davis. Maybe the wrong guy is running for president.

Risk and Reward
"Mayor Daley's Department of Streets and Sanitation has awarded a five-year, $55 million contract to Lindahl Brothers Inc. for 'emergency rental of heavy-duty snow equipment with operators,'" the Sun-Times reports.

"Lindahl was one of the companies that used an illegal dump that FBI mole John Christopher created at Roosevelt and Kostner."

Richie Daley: The Green Mayor.

Greatest Hits
Let's take a look at some recent stands made by the Sun-Times editorial page.

* November 13: In "Detectives Need To Get A Clue," the paper comes out against bad detectives. "Even a novice CSI viewer could have seen that Kathleen's bathtub death in 2004 was suspicious."

Yeah! Don't any Bolingbrook cops watch that show?

* November 18: In "Woman-Bashing Is Caveman Defense," the paper comes out against murder suspects blaming their missing wives' bad moods on PMS.

Yeah! Someone of Drew Peterson's influence has no business making statements like that.

* Also November 18: In "Great American Male Psych Out," the paper comes out against men who don't want to date women who make more money than they do.

"Guys shouldn't let Monika Lotter's Burberry bag threaten them," the paper says. "She's got an MBA, lives in a hot North Side neighborhood and works for Donald Trump."

Threatened? How about disgusted? Three strikes and you're out, Monika. And that doesn't even count the Burberry bag.

The paper even manages to blame Stacy Peterson's presumed death on this "syndrome." Wait, was there a CSI episode like this?

* November 21: In "About Those Other Women . . . ", the paper chastises the media for its focus on Stacy Peterson when "we hardly hear a mention of the cases of two women whose charred bodies were found on the South Side."

Without even the slightest acknowledgement of its own paper's frenzy, the editorial board asks "How is it that we know so much about the Peterson family and their Jerry Springer-like story arc and yet we know virtually nothing about these other missing women."

Yes, how is it?

The paper goes on to muse, "We hate to even bring this up, but could a serial killer be on the loose?"

Could be! Or maybe there are several killers on the loose! Or, how's this one, maybe Drew Peterson burned those women? I hate to bring it up, but you have to admit it's possible!

The Beachwood Tip Line: Burberry-free.

Posted by Lou at 08:25 AM | Permalink

Over/Under

I'm not into reality TV as a whole, but there is one can't-miss show in the Emery household: The Amazing Race. This show represents quintessential American ugliness at its best: Americans push locals into doing their bidding, harass customer service people to get what they want, breeze through a foreign culture in 24 hours, and partake of activities on a superficial level while believing their behavior is nearly spiritual.

What if we brought a similar brand of reality TV to the NFL? Let's take a look.

* Rex Grossman tapes his testimonial saying he "totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn't get him the snap."

* Before scoring a TD, a player has to eat six fish eyes and call his agent on a Bluetooth.

* Running backs are required to balance a pot on their helmet. And play behind the Bears offensive line.

* Visiting players must make their own air travel arrangements. Cutting in line in front of an angry local population is permitted.

* Kickers must not let Devin Hester return the ball, lest they face the wrath of angry gods.

* Holders on field goals and extra points must keep eyes open.

* The NFL gets to tape games before actually broadcasting them so they may be edited for a false sense of suspense.

* The huddle is replaced with the "house meeting."

* The Pro Bowl is replaced by a reunion show where Rex Grossman once again says he "totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn't get him the snap."

-

OverHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Cowboys
Storyline: Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. Brett Favre is The Greatest American Hero.
Reality: Brett Favre in Dallas is as cool as a blonde Afro and a skin-tight superhero suit.
Pick: Dallas Minus 7, Under 51.5 Points Scored.

UnderHyped Game: of the Week: Jaguars at Colts
Storyline: Believe it or not, Eli and I are from the same mother.
Reality: Think of Peyton as Greg Brady, and Jacksonville as Bobby and Peter. In this episode, Bobby and Peter leave frogs in the back seat of the car, totally ruining Greg's chances with the hot chick.
Pick: Jacksonville Plus 7, Under 45 Points Scored.

-

Results
Last week: 1-5 (1-2 Against the Spread, 0-3 Over/Under)
Season: 29-41 (12-23 Against the Spread, 17-18 Over/Under)

*

For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

Posted by Lou at 06:39 AM | Permalink

Mystery Debate Theater 2007

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew (Sleepy) Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to monitor the movements of our presidential candidates. This time it was the Republican CNN/YouTube debate from St. Petersburg, Florida.

Andrew ate a cup of yogurt and took a nap on my couch until I called him on his cell phone and asked him if he was coming over for the debate. Tim tanked up on Red Bull and lines from A Few Good Men. Steve manned the laptop in disgust. Anderson Cooper moderated.

As always, this transcript has been edited for length and sanity.

*

COOPER: There's been some concern among the campaigns about what kind of questions are going to be asked tonight.

STEVE: Arrrrrrmy questions, sir.

*

ERNIE NARDI: This is Ernie Nardi from Dyker Heights in Brooklyn, New York, with a question for the ex-Mayor Giuliani.

Under your administration, as well as others, New York City was operated as a sanctuary city, aiding and abetting illegal aliens.

STEVE: Here we go.

NARDI: I would like to know, if you become president of the United States, will you continue to aid and abet the flight of illegal aliens into this country?

GIULIANI: The reality is that New York City was not a sanctuary city . . . [blah blah blah]

COOPER: Governor Romney, was New York a sanctuary city?

ROMNEY: Absolutely. It called itself a sanctuary city. And as a matter of fact, when the welfare reform act that President Clinton brought forward said that they were going to end the sanctuary policy of New York City, the mayor actually brought a suit to maintain its sanctuary city status.

COOPER: Mayor Giuliani?

STEVE: I've got news for Mitt: all Mormons are illegal aliens.

GIULIANI: It's unfortunate, but Mitt generally criticizes people in a situation in which he's had far the worst record.

For example, in his case, there were six sanctuary cities. He did nothing about them.

There was even a sanctuary mansion. At his own home, illegal immigrants were being employed, not being turned into anybody or by anyone. And then when he deputized the police, he did it two weeks before he was going to leave office, and they never even seemed to catch the illegal immigrants that were working at his mansion. So I would say he had sanctuary mansion, not just sanctuary city.

ROMNEY: I think it is really kind of offensive actually to suggest, to say look, you know what, if you are a homeowner and you hire a company to come provide a service at your home - paint the home, put on the roof. If you hear someone that is working out there, not that you have employed, but that the company has.

If you hear someone with a funny accent, you, as a homeowner, are supposed to go out there and say, "I want to see your papers."

Is that what you're suggesting?

GIULIANI: If you're going to take this holier than thou attitude . . .

TIM: Yeah, we're Republicans, it's not like we ever do that.

ROMNEY: I ask the mayor again. Are you suggesting, Mayor, that if you have a company that you hired who provide a service, that you now are responsible for going out and checking the employees of that company, particularly those that might look different or don't have an accent like yours, and ask for their papers . . .

TIM: It's not like there's a law against that.

*

THOMPSON: Now, there are parts of what both of these gentlemen have just said that I would like to associate myself with.

First of all, of course, Governor Romney supported the Bush immigration plan until a short time ago. Now he's taken another position, surprisingly.

(Laughter)

As far as Mayor Giuliani is concerned, I am a little surprised the mayor says, you know, everybody's responsible for everybody that they hire, but we'll have to address that a little bit further later. I think we've all had people probably that we have hired that in retrospect probably is a bad decision.

(Laughter)

He did have a sanctuary city. In 1996, I helped pass a bill outlawing sanctuary cities. The mayor went to court to overturn it. So, if it wasn't a sanctuary city, I'd call that a frivolous lawsuit.

GIULIANI: New York City was not a sanctuary city. New York City did three exceptions. The three exceptions were to allow children to go to school, to allow those illegal immigrants who were the victims of crime to report the person who assaulted them, beat them up, mugged them.

And third, to allow emergency care in the hospitals, which we were required to do by federal law. We had a policy of reporting every single illegal immigrant other than those three who commit any kind of crime or were suspected of crime, and we reported thousands of them to immigration service. Few of them were deported.

McCAIN: This whole debate saddens me . . . And I want to assure you that I'll enforce the borders first, that as president of the United States, we'll solve this immigration problem. And we won't demagogue it. And we won't have sanctuary cities.

And we won't have all this other rhetoric that unfortunately contributes nothing to the national dialogue.

*

TANCREDO: Well, I tell you, this has been wonderful. Because all I've heard is people trying to out-Tancredo Tancredo.

STEVE: Hey, he's using our material.

*

TIM: Where did Alan Keyes go? Did they invite him just for that one debate at Howard University?

STEVE: That was affirmative action. And now they can say they had a black man on their stage.

*

HUNTER: I built that border fence in San Diego.

STEVE: All by himself?

*

ASHLEY SOMETHING: Governor Huckabee, while governor of Arkansas, you gave a illegal aliens a discount for college in Arkansas by allow them to pay lower in-state tuition rates. However, we have thousands of military members currently serving our country in Iraq with children at home. If these children chose to move to Arkansas to attend college, they would have to pay three times the tuition rate that illegal aliens pay.

Would you support a federal law which would require any state that gives these tuition rates to illegal aliens to give the same rates to the children of our military members?

STEVE: Actually we don't have colleges in Arkansas yet.

ROMNEY: He basically said that he fought for giving scholarships to illegal aliens. Mike, that's not your money. That's the taxpayers' money.

HUCKABEE: You know something, I worked my way through college. I started work when I was 14 and I had to pay my own way through.

TIM: That's great. I've read about people like you. You guys are great. You do the jobs that most Americans don't want.

*

COOPER: We've got another question from a YouTube watcher. Let's watch, please.

YOUTUBE QUESTIONER: Good evening, candidates. This is (inaudible) from Arlington, Texas, and this question is for Ron Paul.

I've met a lot of your supporters online, but I've noticed that a good number of them seem to buy into this conspiracy theory regarding the Council of Foreign Relations, and some plan to make a North American union by merging the United States with Canada and Mexico.

These supporters of yours seem to think that you also believe in this theory. So my question to you is: Do you really believe in all this, or are people just putting words in your mouth?

TIM: Well, if you flip to page 73 of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion . . .

PAUL: It's not so much as a sinister conspiracy. It's just knowledge is out there. If we look for it, you'll realize that our national sovereignty is under threat.

*

SARAH LEDERACH: I'm 18 years old. I'm from Scarsdale, Pennsylvania. And I'm a student at Penn State University.

Often, I've heard both politicians and voters express their concern with providing a better future for their children. A concern of my generation is the trillions of dollars of national debt and what kind of responsibility we will have for that in the future.

My question for you all is, if elected, what measures will you take to tackle the national debt and control spending?

STEVE: I would pay the minimum balance due every month.

McCAIN (pulling pen out of pocket): As president of the United States, I'd take an old veto pen that Ronald Reagan gave me, and I'd veto every single pork barrel bill that comes across my death. I'd make the authors famous.

TIM: He'll use a Sharpie?

ROMNEY: Every bill that comes forward that's got pork in it and earmarks that are unnecessary, we've got to veto them and send them back.

TIM: Any bill that comes across my desk that has something I mildly disagree with, I'm going to veto. Because I want to get Washington moving again.

*

LEEANN ANDERSON: I am from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and these are my kids Evan and May. Maya is from China and we adopted him to give her a better life. We never dreamed that she would that she'd be exposed to lead after leaving China, and now we find trains like this that are covered with lead in our home.

My question for the candidates are, what are you going to do to make sure that these kind of toys don't make their way into our homes and that we have safe toys that are made in America again and we keep jobs in America?

STEVE: Well, you have to differentiate between the lead toys and the date-rape toys. How does that work? Hey baby, I brought a toy train for you to lick. Or maybe you just drop the toy in their drink.

TIM: There's another date-rape drug that's popular. It's called vodka.

*

COOPER: All right. We're going to have three commercial breaks throughout this entire debate.

STEVE: I wish they'd have more.

*

HUCKABEE: [As governor of Arkansas] I did do a number of tax cuts that helped a lot of people all over the place, like eliminating the marriage penalty.

TIM: Eliminating the marriage penalty? You mean you get married but you don't have to live with each other?

*

YOUTUBE QUESTIONER: Hi, this is me and my son Prentiss. We're from Atlanta. I want to ask you guys a question (inaudible) every year. But what about the war going on in our country, black on black crime? Two hundred to 400 black men die yearly in one city alone. What are you going to do about that war? It feels like the (inaudible) is right outside.

COOPER: He's talking about black-on-black crime, crime in the inner cities.

STEVE: There's no such thing as black-on-black crime. There's poor-on-poor crime. Blacks aren't shooting other blacks because they're black.

*

JOURNEY: Hi. My name is Journey. I'm from Texas. And this question is for all (inaudible) pro-life candidates.

In the event that abortion becomes illegal and a woman obtains an abortion anyway, what should she be charged with, and what should her punishment be? What about the doctor who performs the abortion?

STEVE: I'd like a show of hands. Who on stage is willing to perform an abortion on me.

*

TYLER OVERMAN: I have a quick question for those of you who would call yourselves Christian conservatives. The death penalty, what would Jesus do?

HUCKABEE: I believe there is a place for a death penalty.

STEVE: So Jesus would pull the switch . . . wasn't Jesus given the death penalty?

TIM: He rose again. They weren't worried.

STEVE: The critics said he'd be out on parole in three days.

COOPER: I do have to press the question. What would Jesus do? Would Jesus support the death penalty?

HUCKABEE: Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office.

COOPER: That's what Jesus would do.

STEVE: What, dodge the question?

*

JOSEPH: I am from Dallas, Texas.

STEVE: I was there! I'll tell you what Jesus would do . . .

JOSEPH: Do you believe every word of this book? Specifically, this book that I am holding in my hand, do you believe this book?

STEVE: It's a King James version. Is this a trap for Romney?

GIULIANI: The reality is, I believe it, but I don't believe it's necessarily literally true in every single respect.

STEVE: Sometimes God could have been more clear about what he meant. Like with that Second Amendment thing.

GIULIANI: I think there are parts of the Bible that are interpretive. I think there are parts of the Bible that are allegorical.

STEVE: Isn't the part about Jesus just an allegory?

HUCKABEE: I think what the question tried to make us feel like was that, well, if you believe the part that says "Go and pluck out your eye," well, none of us believe that we ought to go pluck out our eye.

STEVE: You know who plucked out their eye? Bill the Butcher. Because the Priest was the best opponent he ever had.

*

ANDREW JONES: I'm a college student from Seattle, Washington.

Recently, Senator McCain has come out strongly against using waterboarding as an instrument of interrogation.

My question for the rest of you is, considering that Mr. McCain is the only one with any firsthand knowledge on the subject, how can those of you sharing the stage with him disagree with his position?

ROMNEY: Well, he certainly is an expert and I certainly would want to get his counsel on a matter of this nature, but I do not believe that as a presidential candidate, it is wise for us to describe precisely what techniques we will use in interrogating people.

I oppose torture. I would not be in favor of torture in any way, shape or form.

COOPER: Is waterboarding torture?

ROMNEY: And as I just said, as a presidential candidate, I don't think it's wise for us to describe specifically which measures we would and would not use.

McCAIN: Well, governor, I'm astonished that you haven't found out what waterboarding is.

ROMNEY: I know what waterboarding is, Senator.

McCAIN: Then I am astonished that you would think such a torture would be inflicted on anyone in our - who we are held captive and anyone could believe that that's not torture. It's in violation of the Geneva Convention. It's in violation of existing law.

And, governor, let me tell you, if we're going to get the high ground in this world and we're going to be the America that we have cherished and loved for more than 200 years. We're not going to torture people.

We're not going to do what Pol Pot did. We're not going to do what's being done to Burmese monks as we speak. I suggest that you talk to retired military officers and active duty military officers like Colin Powell and others, and how in the world anybody could think that that kind of thing could be inflicted by Americans on people who are held in our custody is absolutely beyond me.

ROMNEY: I did not say and I do not say that I'm in favor of torture.

I am not. I'm not going to specify the specific means of what is and what is not torture so that the people that we capture will know what things we're able to do and what things we're not able to do.

TIM: Why even say you're against torture, then? Don't let them know whether we torture.

*

BUZZ BROCKWAY: My name is Buzz Brockway from Lawrenceville, Georgia. All the talk about the war in Iraq centers around how quickly we can get out. I think that's the wrong question. We need to make a permanent or long-term military commitment to the region.

By staying in Iraq, we provide long-term stability to the region, we provide support for our allies, and we act as a deterrent to the trouble-makers in the region. Which presidential candidate will make a permanent of long-term military commitment to the people of Iraq?

TIM: I don't think we should say how long we're going to be there, because why should they know how long we're going to be there?

*

SAM GARCIA: I'm from Colorado Springs, Colorado. The following question is for Rudy Giuliani. Mr. Giuliani, a while back, a friend and I were having a discussion about you and some of the other Republican candidates.

He blatantly made this statement somewhere along the line: Rudy Giuliani is using September 11, 2001, to propel himself into the White House. My question to you is: How do you respond to this accusation and other accusations similar to it?

GIULIANI: I was mayor of a city that was described as one of the greatest turnarounds of any city in the history of America. George Will said I ran the most conservative government in this country, most successful conservative government in this country in the last 50 or 60 years. This is all before September 11th, 2001. I reduced taxes. I reduced spending. I reduced welfare. I reduced abortions.

STEVE: I reduced black people.

*

(Begin videotape)

HUCKABEE: Faith doesn't just influence me. It really defines me. I don't have to wake up every day wondering what do I need to believe?

Let us never sacrifice our principles for anybody's politics. Not now, not ever.

I believe life begins at conception.

We believe in some things. We stand by those things. We live or die by those things.

I'm Mike Huckabee, and I approve this message.

(End video clip)

TIM: I'm Mike Huckabee, and Jesus approves this message.

*

STEVE NIELSON: This question comes to you from Denver, Colorado.

JFK's vision put a man on the moon from a nonexistent space program in about seven years. The new vision for space exploration has provided about 15 years for that same feat.

Meanwhile, Congress is pulling funding for human-to-Mars research altogether.

Is there a candidate amongst you willing to take a pledge on behalf of the Mars Society of sending an American to the surface of Mars by 2020?

HUCKABEE: Whether we need to send somebody to Mars, I don't know. But I'll tell you what: If we do, I've got a few suggestions, and maybe Hillary could be on the first rocket to Mars.

STEVE: That's such a kind, loving thing for a minister to say.

TIM: Maybe Jesus is on Mars.

COOPER: Congressman Tancredo, 30 seconds, please.

TIM: I want to build a fence around space.

*

LEROY BROOKS: I am from Houston, Texas and my question is for all the candidates.

Whether this [Confederate] flag right here represents the symbol of racism, a symbol of political ideology, a symbol of Southern heritage, or is it something completely different?

STEVE: It represents the Southern heritage of racism.

-

Beachwood Analysis
A particularly aggressive Romney started out very strong, setting Giuliani back on his heels for perhaps the first time in the campaign. Guiliani never really recovered, turning in his worst performance since his unsteady initial appearance. Romney, however, frittered away his gains as the night went on, as he was caught equivocating several times and looked like a weasel.

Huckabee did fairly well, though he was overly scripted and got away without directly answering a few questions.

Thompson had his best performance of the campaign, which may not be saying much, but this had to be a glimmer of hope for his team.

Tancredo and Hunter continue to be non-starters.

Paul is both the craziest guy up there and the guy who speaks the most truth, a stunning bipolarity.

And McCain had his moments when he awoke from his coma, basically breaking even for the night.

Overall, Thompson and Huckabee gained the most and Paul will certainly retain his support.

-

Catch up on every episode!

Posted by Lou at 06:21 AM | Permalink

November 28, 2007

The [Wednesday] Papers

"A big-city police chief likely to become a finalist for Chicago Police superintendent has threatened to withdraw his name if the Police Board publicly identifies the three top candidates, a top mayoral aide said Tuesday," the Sun-Times reports.

"If we get a top candidate who says, 'I'm gonna withdraw if you disclose my name' because he's afraid he'll lose his job if he's not the one, what are we supposed to do?" says police board president Demetrius Carney.

I'll tell you what to do: Tell the candidate that the Chicago Police Department is seeking a new police chief at a time of great public distrust and transparency is one of the key attributes the city needs right now. Any candidate not dedicated to an open process and a transparent department is not the right candidate for Chicago.

Besides, consideration to be the Chicago police chief ought to do nothing but impress the candidate's current bosses. Unless there's more to the story than we're being told.

Search and Rescue
How good do you feel about Demetrius Carney?

Me either.

Carney's police board has already had its first group of three finalists rejected by the mayor.

That might say as much about the mayor - who has seen two of his last three choices for police chief go down to scandal - as the police board, but clearly something is awry.

"Above all, Carney is looking for someone who can restore public confidence in the department," Fran Spielman wrote in the Sun-Times a few weeks ago.

I'd say Carney is, above all, looking for the candidate that the mayor has already chosen.

Above all, someone should restore public confidence in the process.

Security Breach
Regarding organizers of the Nativity scene at Daley Plaza using a black cable to bolt baby Jesus to the manger floor to prevent theft, our very own Tim Willette asks:

"Why don't they just nail baby Jesus's hands and feet to the cradle?"

Textbook Response
"Two weeks ago, Sen. Clinton said she wouldn't attack fellow Democrats," Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt says. "But her poll numbers have dropped, so the Washington political textbook dictates that she attack the candidate who's on the move."

Unlike Obama, who refused to go on the attack despite desperate entreaties from his wealthiest donors upset about his flagging campaign.

Oh, wait . . .

YouTube BoobTube
A Beachwood preview of the GOP debate tonight.

Tax Facts
"So who are this year's losers?" Ben Joravsky wrote recently. "Poor residents of neighborhoods like Garfield Park, Lawndale, Englewood, and the Near West Side. My initial analysis shows that when the tax bills come out, any day now, those folks will be looking at tax hikes as high as 100 percent.

"As gentrification creeps into ther neighborhoods their property values go up. But rising property values don't always correlate with rising income. As taxes rise, a lot of people will have to choose between borrowing to pay their taxes, selling their property, or going into foreclosure.

"Who's being spared while the West and South Sides get scalped? Huge swaths of the Northwest and Southwest Sides and some neighborhoods on the North Side, including mine. Yes, that's right, lucky me - I'm only facing a one percent hike on my next bill. I love you, Mayor Daley!"

Dear Hyde Park Co-Op
You are old and you are broke. But you are not beloved. In Cate Plys's Open Letter.

StereoTyping
"I don't know a single woman who isn't yearning for a fashion stylist," Tribune fashion advisor Ellen Warren wrote recently.

I do.

Zell's Bells
"Tribune 'Baffled' By Twists At FCC."

Again. Do they ever learn?

This is exactly what got them in trouble in their big Times-Mirror deal; the FCC's loosening of regulatory rules allowing for cross-ownership of newspaper and television stations in the same market never came to fruition.

"I'm sure the Tribune guys aren't happy with [FCC chairman Kevin] Martin, former chairman Reed Hundt told the Trib. "But they structured a very tenuous deal here, and they knew they were going to have to squeeze through a hole."

More Ridiculousness
Devin Hester is a crazy cat. The Beachwood Ridiculous Affairs Desk explains.

Miller Time
Yes, I'm catching up on some things here today.

So . . . how does Sun-Times business editor Dan Miller still have his job?

As Phil Rosenthal reported earlier this month, Miller lent his name and his credibility as a journalist to a letter originating "From the Desk of Dan Miller, Business Editor, Chicago Sun-Times" in support of the Heartland Institute's campaign questioning global warming.

In the two years previous to joining the Sun-Times, Miller oversaw publications for the Heartland, Rosenthall reports, and is friends with Heartland president and chief executive Joseph Bast (whose columns sometimes appear in the Sun-Times, and sometimes in the business section).

This makes Miller's letter even more egregious because he is not only doing the Heartland's bidding, but he has close personal ties to the organization.

Miller's previous stint on the Illinois Commerce Commission adds to the proposition that his position as business editor is entirely untenable. Plus, the section sucks.

*

Bast, by the way, has responded on the Heartland's website by calling Rosenthal's column "unprofessional" and "potentially libelous."

Which is both unprofessional and as potentially libelous as anything Rosenthal wrote, which is to say not very. But the irony content is high.

Duncan Donuts
Yesterday I referred to crazy talk by Arne Duncan about making Chicago Public Schools the best district in the nation, but I couldn't find the original reference. Now found.

It came from the Reader's Harold Henderson, who in turn had found Duncan saying this to Catalyst: "Our goal is to become the best school system in America . . . not 10 years from now, but literally in the next two years, we have a chance to do that."

Let's try not totally sucking first before pretending Chicago schools on the whole can be better than New Trier within two years.

Find and Replace
Here's a fun exercise: Take this Deborah Douglas column and read it exchanging the words "black" and "gay" for each other.

Or just consider for a moment a column that started like this:

"Black activists made a big hairy deal this week when Sen. Barack Obama hired racist gospel singer John Whiteman to lead some fund-raising concerts in South Carolina this weekend.

"So what."

Earth to Beavers
Bill Beavers is today's Worst Person in Chicago. It's not even funny.

Okay, it's a little funny. Because if Todd Stroger was a white man, he wouldn't be the Cook County board president. He'd be selling shoes at Macy's. And it wasn't John Stroger's whiteness that got all his sham budgets passed over the years. No, actually it really isn't funny.

COMMENT 9:37 A.M.: From a faithful Beachwood reader with good reason to remain anonymous:

If for no reason than pure devilment, I have to quibble with your line in today's Beachwood that Todd Stroger would be selling shoes at Macy's if he were a white man. Let's see . . . Todd comes from a politically-connected South Side family from a politically-connected neighborhood; his father's clout helped him to elected office then, ultimately to he office held by his father. Hell, if Todd Stroger were white, he wouldn't be selling shoes, he'd be MAYOR!

RESPONSE: You are absolutely right. I stand corrected. I knew something wasn't quite right about that line, but I couldn't figure out what. Now I know. Thank you, sir.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Tubular.

Posted by Lou at 08:18 AM | Permalink

Devin Hester's Other Ridiculous Ways

1. He will only eat cheeseburgers plain without ketchup or mustard.

2. He refuses to use unleaded gas.

3. He has a fear of remote controls.

4. He's allergic to argyle.

5. He can't jump rope.

6. He owns the import of Olivia Newton-John's Greatest Hits, Vol. 3.

7. He's Mormon.

8. He's never seen an episode of M*A*S*H.

9. His best friend is Robbie Gould.

10. He believes you should put your money in bonds right now.

Posted by Lou at 05:00 AM | Permalink

Open Letter

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night. Good-bye, good-bye, good-by-y-y-y-y-ye!

You, too, should take some inspiration from the Von Trapp children, and leave good-naturedly in a burst of song when it is so clearly your bedtime. Co-Op, it is time for the big sleep.

As you know, Co-Op members are now voting on whether to shut you down. From the recent press coverage, many Chicagoans think you are a beloved 75-year-old neighborhood grocery store and institution beset by villainous creditors and its landlord, the nefarious University of Chicago.

Well, Co-Op, you are old. You are broke. You owe your 55th Street landlord, the U of C, over a million dollars in back rent. For the next 16 years you're locked into another $1 million annual lease for an expansion store on 47th Street that went bust in 2005 after only a few years. You have to pay rent on the closed 47th Street store because that landlord is your main food distributor, Certified Grocers Midwest, which is considerably less generous than the University. And you lost money taking over yet another grocery store on 53rd Street, Mr. G's - also now closed.

You are old, you are broke. But you are not beloved. You inspire a hatred so raw among most Hyde Parkers, it's a wonder we're not all down with food poisoning, regardless of the quality of your products. In that sense, you are a powerful force for neighborhood unity. University-affiliated or not, black or white, middle-class or low-income, Hyde Parkers bond joyously over our antipathy for you. The phrase "I hate the Co-Op" is a cherished hymn of solidarity. After you are gone - oh happy day! - will we ever be this close again? Or will we fall apart, like the Harold Washington coalition without Harold Washington? I, for one, am willing to risk it.

The recent Town Hall meeting to discuss your future drew a reported 400 to 500 people, most of whom surprised me by going on about how wonderful and warm and close-knit the Co-Op is. I was looking around for Rod Serling when someone stood up and brought the room back to reality: "I really would like to know what drives this love for this institution," Edna Epstein was quoted in the Tribune account. "I'm one of those who will do virtually anything not to shop at the Co-Op." She was answered by a surly murmur from the crowd.

What I figure is this: The vast majority of Hyde Parkers whooped when they heard about your potential closing, Co-Op, and needed no meeting to persuade them to vote you out of existence. They were too busy throwing confetti out their windows.

The people who did come - 500 at most - would be a small percentage of the 2,600 members even if every single person owned a Co-Op share. Of those 500 attendees, up to 170 may have been Co-Op employees with their own agenda. Certainly the front-end employees, whom I recognize, were strongly represented in the folding chairs, along with their union rep, lustily calling out their approval and disapproval. The union rep made a fierce speech promising to oppose any closing.

In other words, that meeting was stacked.

Now, why do people who don't cash your paychecks hate you so much? What have you done to earn the eternal contempt of Edna Epstein, myself, and every neighbor I've ever known (barring one) in my 23 years in Hyde Park? You began in 1932 as a neighborhood buying club and became a supermarket. Mahalia Jackson sang at a 1954 ribbon-cutting for a previous location. At the Town Hall meeting, venerable former 5th Ward Ald. Leon Despres, an original member, spoke eloquently about the need to save you. I hate to disagree with Mr. Despres.

However, you are not the fight-the-power, pioneering institution people like Mr. Despres fondly remember. Your troubles - financial and otherwise - did not begin recently, or even in the late 1990's, as pro-Co-Op people now claim. That's when you opened that stupid 47th Street store in a bid to keep all competitors out of the neighborhood. No; when I moved here in 1984, you were already the sorriest store I'd ever shopped, run by the most hostile employees I have encountered anywhere, including New York.

"You know that one checker, the man who won't even look at you?" asked my husband the other day.

"Won't look at you?" I said. "You'll have to be a lot more specific."

Co-Op, you have literally a handful of employees - five - who are friendly and helpful to the customers. And they are wonderful people. Unfortunately, current technology and federal laws prevent us from cloning them to staff the entire store.

In the past few months, a new manager has brought many of your crazy prices down to a closer version of what sane people will pay in a non-Communist country. But even the new manager acknowledges the prices remain higher than chain stores like Dominick's and Jewel, because the Co-Op lacks their economy of scale. And you'd have to give me a hefty savings to make up for your employees, anyway.

A Sun-Times editorial on November 25 vociferously campaigned to keep you open. Sadly, the editorial got everything wrong. The Sun-Times incorrectly includes Hyde Park among the low-income, isolated urban neighborhoods now called "food deserts" for their complete lack of real grocery stores with fresh produce and meat. Then the editorial spent all but one paragraph decrying food deserts.

Hyde Park is often lumped with troubled inner city neighborhoods simply by virtue of its location on the South Side. We're used to it. But Hyde Park is far from poor, and while it may be many other things, it is not a food desert. To call Hyde Park a food desert is insulting to the neighborhoods which truly are suffering from an absence of healthful shopping opportunities.

Before the Co-Op tried taking over the entire neighborhood in the '90s, Hyde Park had three supermarkets: the current 55th Street Co-Op, Mr. G's, and Village Foods. Then the Co-Op, against all good business sense, opened the 47th Street store, took over Mr. G's, and subsequently closed the two new branches. That still leaves us with the 55th Street flagship Co-Op, Village Foods, and the small but mighty Hyde Park Produce - about to expand to fill the former Mr. G's location. Two other long-time small grocery stores in the neighborhood also sell fresh produce. Believe me, if we want a banana or even freshly squeezed orange juice, we don't have far to go.

The Sun-Times editorial also raised a familiar bogeyman, a favorite of Co-Op supporters: What if the University doesn't replace the Co-Op with a "major supermarket"? Any shopper brave enough to routinely face a sullen Co-Op checker cannot be scared off so easily. Nothing, frankly, can give us worse nightmares than the Co-Op.

The University can be occasionally irritating, yet it is very much in the business of attracting top-quality students and faculty. Hank Webber, U of C's vice president for community and government affairs, pointed out in Crain's Chicago Business that the absence of a premier supermarket makes recruiting difficult: "We're in the global business of competing for students and faculty and staff," he said. "One of the things we compete on is quality of life."

The University knows it has to replace the Co-Op with a good store. Otherwise, the new store would be unable to draw back the legions of Hyde Parkers who now travel to 12th Street or downtown for groceries, and Co-Op stalwarts would shun it as well. And something tells me the University would like to get its rent paid again for a change.

We Co-Op members have two voting choices. Plan A, as it's called, would liquidate the Co-Op in an orderly manner. The University would forgive the back rent and pay the other creditors. The University says it has a new grocer lined up to move in within two weeks of closing the Co-Op.

In Plan B, the Co-Op would file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, try to pay off its current debt and buy out the 47th Street lease for another $2.5 million. At the Town Hall meeting, even pro-bankruptcy board members conceded this would require a major capital campaign to raise the money.

Local Ald. Toni Preckwinkle told the Town Hall meeting she doesn't think the Co-Op can make it under Chapter 11. And the Co-Op's own financial advisor on this matter, Ronald Barliant, principal of the law firm Goldberg Kohn, told the Hyde Park Herald there would have to be "considerable financing in place" just to pay for the "extensive" cost of bankruptcy itself.

Co-Op, I am now reminded of another song. For every thing (turn, turn, turn), there is a season. Now is the time to quit.

Farewell,

Cate Plys

*

Remember the old admonition "Shopper Beware"? For the Co-Op, make that "Shopper, Be Very Afraid". If you've checked out the letter and you like the product - or you aren't buying it - Open Letter is open to letters. Please include a real name if you wish to be considered for publication.

*

From Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release to The Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark, Cate Plys writes the Open Letters that need writing. Check out her entire collection.

Posted by Lou at 04:33 AM | Permalink

YouTube BoobTube

The Republican presidential candidates gather in St. Petersburg, Florida tonight for the CNN/YouTube debate and, as is our habit, the Mystery Debate Theater team will gather at Beachwood HQ to bring you the action. To help get you pumped up, we offer a preview of both tonight's debate and the rest of the Republican schedule.

*

The Beachwood Political Affairs Desk has learned that the following video questions are under consideration:

1. Snowman: I was born right here in the U.S. of A. Shouldn't I be allowed to get a drivers license?

2. Woman breast feeding an assault rifle: This is my baby. Do you really want to take her away from me? Part two: Do you mind if I breast feed her in public?

3. Congressman Tancredo, you've sponsored legislation that would make English the official language of the United States. Can you name the ten major parts of speech?"

4. I'd like an answer from everyone: Who do you think the Democrats hate more, America or God?

5. Congressman Hunter, did you order the code red?

6. This one is for everyone: How do you feel about Led Zeppelin choosing the Cult to open for them on their reunion tour?

7. Ron Paul, you have a choice: Name any singer from American Idol or tell us who won the Super Bowl last year.

8. Show of hands: Is this a good joke? Two queers walk into a church . . .

9. Rudy Giuliani, here are photos of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton and Barbara Boxer. If you had to choose one of their outfits to wear out tomorrow evening, which one would it be?

10. Mitt Romney, please repeat any line from Caddyshack . . . in character, please.

11. Rudy G., if you were president would you make gay divorce illegal?

12. Tommy Tancredo, if you were eating a particularly spicy tamale, would you wash it down with a Corona or a margarita?"

13. John McCain, if you had to guess which venereal disease Ann Coulter has, which one would you guess?

14. Mike Huckabee, please justify the existence of Arkansas.

15. Mitt Romney, I'm not sure you're in touch with average Americans. Can you name the price of commissions on the average Charles Schwab stock trade?

*

Future Republican debates on tap:

* PewTube (for social conservatives)
* SpewTube (for conservative talk radio)
* ShrewTube (for Republican women)
* FrouFrouTube (for William F. Buckley conservatives)
* SnafuTube (for neo-cons)
* ThumbscrewTube (for harder-core neo-cons)
* UntrueTube (for Justice department conservatives)
* RubeTube (for Nascar conservatives)
* JiffyTube (for fiscal conservatives)
* StillUsingATypewriterTube (for Bedrock conservatives)

- Tim Willette, Rick Kaempfer, Steve Rhodes

Posted by Lou at 03:47 AM | Permalink

November 27, 2007

The [Tuesday] Papers

Did you know that the Chicago Blackhawks mascot is Tommy Hawk? He's portrayed as a hawk, but how offensive is the play on words?

Maybe John McDonough will fix this in his new role as Blackhawks president.

Meanwhile, the Beachwood has obtained the first draft of McDonough's marketing plan. It's really good.

Oprah Doprah
Oprah's scheduled campaign appearances for Barack Obama made page one of the Tribune today and page four of the Sun-Times, which was a big score for the campaign because page 22 of the Sun-Times featured a story about Obama's campaign that has appeared in at least three other major outlets in the last week that Obama would rather you not pay attention to.

"In the last six months, White House hopeful Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) used his HOPEFUND political action committee - which has accepted contributions from federal lobbyists - to make donations to Democrats in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, states with the first presidential votes in January," Lynn Sweet writes.

A perfect congruence: Oprah as the new public face of a candidate who complains about the shallow nature of our celebrified politics even as he poses for GQ and appears on The Tyra Banks Show whose backroom maneuverings exemplify the exact kind of politics he pretends he's running against. If only it were so. If only . . .

"This spending, reflected in the latest HOPEFUND report filed with the Federal Election Commission on Nov. 15, seems puzzling since Obama is making his refusal to take money from federal lobbyists and PACs in his presidential contest a centerpiece of his campaign.

"Obama did take money from federal lobbyists and PACs for his U.S. House and 2004 U.S. Senate race, his own HOPEFUND political action committee and his 2010 U.S. Senate re-election war chest. The latest report shows he is using money gained from sources he now will not touch to donate to players who could help his presidential bid."

Sweet notes that Congressional Quarterly reported last week that Obama "has been the most aggressive of presidential candidates" in using his PAC to help candidates in the early voting states.

She also notes a Washington Post report about Obama's HOPEFUND spending, which "triggered a strong response from the campaign of chief rival Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), which raised questions about legality of the donations.

"It is our understanding that a candidate's campaign is barred from using the candidate's leadership PAC to benefit his or her campaign, which is why we shut down HillPAC when Sen. Clinton announced her run for the White House," the Clinton campaign said in a statement."

The most delicious irony, though, was this:

"One question raised by the Clinton campaign - noting that 'Sen. Obama talks about his efforts to be transparent' - was who decided on HOPEFUND's contributions.

"Because the question was asked by the Clinton campaign, an Obama spokesman, Ben LaBolt, said he would not respond."

And if a reporter asks the question?

*

"Obama spokesman Joshua Earnest said there was no connection between the PAC's giving and Obama's presidential aspirations," the Post reports.

Senator Obama, why do you employ spokespeople who lie? Isn't that sort of cynical?

*

Here's a question to consider, with all due respect to Sweet and her prodigious work ethic: Why are the most interesting and important (and real) stories about Obama's campaign coming out of the East Coast press (and the Los Angeles Times) instead of Chicago?

Recount Regret
"Bush Welcomes Gore to Oval Office."

"It's all yours, Al."

- Tim Willette

Management Chops
The head of the Chicago Housing Authority resigned over the Thanksgiving holiday so people wouldn't notice.

The mayor, then, has to find a housing authority chief executive for the second time in a year after poaching the old one to run his re-election campaign amidst a massive and controversial restructuring that is already five years behind schedule; he has to find a police chief after two of his last three resigned in scandal; he recently appointed a new CTA chief who has been no more effective than the old one in preventing a transit meltdown; and his school board chief, amidst stalled reforms, is talking nonsense about how soon the city's schools could be the nation's best.

The City That Manages.

Bloomberg Time
"New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 homicides this year, by far the lowest number in a 12-month period since reliable Police Department statistics became available in 1963," the New York Times reported last Friday.

Daley will hold a press conference tomorrow taking credit.

Tough Stance
The Sun-Times editorial board came out today against planting pepper spray in other beauty contestants' gowns.

Thanks for the guidance. I was on the fence before I read this.

Us and Them
The Sun-Times editorial board counted our blessings on Thanksgiving.

* "The jobless rate is still holding at a comfortable 4.7 percent."

Yes, that feels quite comfortable. Unless you're one of the 7.2 million people without a job.

* "Even during these troublesome economic times, Chicagoans are able to buy new cars and homes because of the city's diverse economy."

Unless you are among the one in five Chicagoans living in poverty.

* "Most people are not planning to retire anytime soon."

A) They never are!
B) They can't afford to.
C) Huh?

* "Either [elected officials] will fix the [transit] system, finding a permanent funding source, or voters will kick them out come the next election. It's up to you."

A) Because voters always kick out incompetent pols.
B) Ooh, Rich Daley and Mike Madigan and Emil Jones are really scared!
C) It's up to you. Don't look at us.

* "Sure, we're enjoying warmer temperatures because of the looming disaster that is global warming, but our politicians are working to fix that."

A) Where? At some top secret summit on Mars?
B) And if they don't, voters will kick them out come the first election after the ice caps melt!
C) So smoke up, Johnny. It was a banner fucking year at the Bender family.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Oprah's favorite. Really.

Posted by Lou at 09:03 AM | Permalink

Meet the Hawkies!

"I have pages of ideas that Rocky hasn't seen yet."
- Ace Cubs marketer John McDonough upon being hired by new Blackhawks chairman Rocky Wirtz

*

To sound more adorable, the team will now be known as the Hawkies.

*

Ivy painted on the boards.

*

Team opens different United Center doors from game to game to for "the puck is blowing out/in" effect.

*

Midgets hired to work in new antiquated scoreboard.

*

Season tickets comped to Jim Belushi.

*

Steve Goodman's little-known "Go Hawks Go!" resurrected.

*

New chant: "Left wing sucks!" "Right wing sucks!"

*

Discovery of curse put on franchise when an actual Blackhawk Indian was refused admission to a game.

*

Scouts?

*

Celebrity Zamboni drivers.

*

New business created to "scalp" premium Blackhawk tickets.

*

All ushers must now be over 70.

*

Ron Santo annually refused admission to Hockey Hall of Fame.

*

Home games will not only be televised, they'll be played in Chicago Park District rinks. Call to schedule a game in your neighborhood.

*

George Ryan will serve out remainder of prison term in a secure United Center skybox.

*

Michael Barrett Bobblehead Night!

*

New right wing: Sammy Sosa.

Posted by Lou at 12:12 AM | Permalink

November 26, 2007

The [Monday] Papers

1. "Hester is all that the Bears are," writes Rocky Mountain News great Bernie Lincicome, late of the Chicago Tribune.

"Fool the Broncos once, shame on them. Fool the Broncos twice, and the next bit of shame is an overtime loss to a team that is several parts lint and the rest roadkill."

2. Devin Hester may be ridiculous, but for one play Bernard Berrian was ludicrous. Unfortunately, for the whole game "analyst" Dan Dierdorf was preposterous.

So says our very own Jim Coffman in Bear Monday, the city's best Bear round-up.

3. No quarterback who fumbles as much as Rex Grossman should be allowed to ever take another snap in the NFL again.

4. The greatest mayor in Chicago history?

I'd take him over either Daley in a heartbeat. And who else is there, really?

5. "When the baby Jesus was stolen for the first time from the Nativity scene at Daley Plaza in 1999, an anonymous tipster directed police to the figure, which had been stashed in a locker at Union Station," the Tribune reports.

"In 2004, the Christ child was stolen again, this time by a 19-year-old student at the Art Institute of Chicago who was caught a few blocks from the plaza and charged with misdemeanor theft.

"On Saturday morning, while volunteers known as the 'God Squad' constructed the lifesize Nativity scene, a black cable in a cardboard box was a reminder of the heightened security concerns surrounding the baby Jesus.

"Since the thefts, organizers have wrapped the cable around the figure's waist, bolted it to the manger floor and covered it with hay."

And I will lose my faith in humanity if that prevents the baby Jesus from getting stolen again.

*

Theological question: Can the baby Jesus create a cable strong enough to prevent his own theft?

6. "Sometimes I wish that those who ridicule us for faith would acknowledge from time to time that their views may also be shaped by an equally fervent faith - the belief in modern scientific progress as the means to solve the world's problems," John Kass wrote on Sunday.

Sometimes I wish people of faith would explain why they feel they are under unremitting attacks when it is the agnostic and atheist with no place in this country; a presidential candidate who does not believe is unspeakable and the news is filled with credulous accounts of saints returning to Earth in the form of burnt toast and water stains under freeway overpasses. We even have a president whose claims of talking to God go unchallenged when the Lord's advice is so obviously off.

Oh wait . . . sorry about that, I took a minute to share the moment of silence now required by law of Illinois's schoolchildren.

*

Somehow I don't think the baby Jesus wants to be held captive by a black cable tied around His waist. Run, baby Jesus, run!

7. "Twice each year the migratory birds of the world make a voyage that, until recently, seemed like an inexplicable miracle," the Tribune reports.

"Now evidence is trickling in to support an explanation no less miraculous: Birds may literally be able to see magnetic fields."

8. "Ann Sather's closing is not good for the community," Ald. Tom Tunney tells the Sun-Times, which dutifully wrote up his press release. "We decided we will recommit a brand new Ann Sather's there [on Belmont]."

The paper must have forgotten that Tunney promised to sell the restaurant when he first ran for the city council to avoid the inevitable conflicts of interest.

"With the deal," the paper did note with glee, "Tunney makes some coin - $2.2 million - helps with economic development in his ward and keeps an icon in business."

All hail Tom Tunney! Moving Chicago forward.

*

Even while talking on the phone.

9. Michael Miner says it so I don't have to.

10. It's not just that aldermen don't understand the budget. It's that reporters don't. I find that even more maddening.

11. Sun-Times front pages you may have missed over the long holiday weekend:

* "Drew Peterson Plagiarized H.S. Paper From Encyclopedia!"

* "Stacey's Cat Said It Would Look Like An Accident!"

* "Body Language Expert Says Stacy's Body Is Missing!"

* "Psychic Locates Sun-Times's Integrity At Bottom Of River!"

* "Drew Peterson Medallions! Collect Them All."

* "Officials Say Peterson Case Won't Affect Olympic Bid."

12. What the presidential candidates really did in Vegas.

13. How the Mob, Peter Frampton and Sharon Osbourne's daddy sucked the life out of The Small Faces and Humble Pie, in a cautionary tale illustrating why the death of the record industry couldn't come soon enough.

14. The best Thanksgiving poem published in the world this year.

15. "Devin Hester will appear at the Jewel-Osco store at 6509 W. Grand Ave., Gurnee, from 6-7 p.m. Monday in support of the 19th annual Chicago Bears/Jewel-Osco coat drive," the Fred Mitchell notes in the Trib today. "Fans can meet Hester in exchange for donating a coat. Winter coats may also be dropped off at any of the 185 Jewel-Osco stores throughout Chicagoland through Jan. 4."

The Beachwood Tip Line: Be the news.

Posted by Lou at 07:46 AM | Permalink

Bear Monday: Hester Heaven

After Devin Hester's first attempted punt return Sunday - when No. 23 not only erred egregiously by swatting at the ball and knocking it down but then didn't even dive in to try to get it back - somewhere an insightful fan cried out "Devin, that was such a bad play, you're going to have to run back two just to make up for it." As it was foreseen, so was the Ridiculous One redeemed.

Then this year's Bears reasserted themselves. Shortly after Hester had made it 11 special teams touchdowns in just over a season and a half (the career record is 13), they still found a way to trail by two more touchdowns. But then they trailed by only one. And then Bernard Berrian's (wait, we need a new word here - how about) ludicrous last-minute fourth-down catch tied it up. Soon Desmond Clark was running free through the secondary and Adrian Peterson was again pounding away like a battering ram and Patrick Mannelly's snap was perfect as was Brad Maynard's hold and Robbie Gould's overtime kick. Wow.

On to the highlights . . . and a lowlight or two, or eight.

* Early on longtime analyst Dan Dierdorf notes the Bears offensive line has "a combined 44 years of experience." It apparently hasn't occurred to the old offensive lineman that maybe that number is a bit too high (and it doesn't even include 13-year veteran Ruben Brown, who started the first half of the season before a season-ending injury).

Out comes the defense and Dierdorf can quickly be heard praising the linebackers. He is so enamored of their abilities that I have a hard time believing he could have possibly watched their game with Seattle the week before, let alone a season's worth of ugly performances against offenses great and small.

* Later on Mr. Dierdorf (he was, after all, a member of many memorably vicious St. Louis Cardinal offensive lines) referred to an on-field occurrence as a "happenchance." The more I think about it as the game goes on, the more I think "happenchance" should be a word.

* Before the half ends, Peanut Tillman reminds us why the Bears found a way to sign him to a big contract extension in the off-season when he breaks up two passes in the same series in the end zone. Perhaps he should have intercepted the second one but, hey, the guy is making plays. And something tells us he's going to make more.

* The second half begins and Hester explodes. How classic was it that Todd Sauerbrun - Todd Sauerbrun! - was the one who blithely commented early last week that his Broncos and he in particular would not hesitate to kick the ball right to the greatest returner in the history of football. His comments really weren't a big deal - going into the game. Raiders coach Lane Kiffin said the same thing before his team played the Bears two weeks ago. But the Raiders shut Hester down.

Now Sauerbrun's comments will be grist for all sorts of "that jerk got his" commentary. Sauerbrun has had quite a career. He might very well have been the greatest-ever punting prospect when he left West Virginia, leading the Bears to spend an unheard-of second-round pick on him in the mid-90s. And he wasn't exactly shy about his achievements, meaning he has never been exactly popular with his teammates.

Sauerbrun had the misfortune of breaking into the NFL with Dave Wannstedt as his head coach and Keith Armstrong as his special teams assistant. Those guys were big on punting the ball high and not-so-far in order to avoid "out-kicking the coverage." Not surprisingly, Sauerbrun wasn't a big fan of that strategy, which was always such a stupid concept and now seems thoroughly discredited. After Sauerbrun got away from Wannstedt and Armstrong he led the league in punting three times in Carolina. He also was involved in all sorts of controversies, including ties to a steroid ring, a suspension for testing positive for ephedra, and an attempt to force management to refund money he had paid in fines for being overweight in exchange for his doing the placekicking in addition to punting after a fellow kicker got hurt.

On Sunday Sauerbrun didn't just serve up a couple of beautifully returnable kicks, of course, he also had his final punt blocked. (By Peanut! Who also had a huge pick!) That was after Rex Grossman's second fumble (the first was infuriating - the defender didn't touch the ball but Rex started to try to stretch it out away from his body in a futile attempt to gain an extra foot, lost control and then kicked it away from himself) seemed to drive a big nail in the coffin.

* The Broncos scored touchdowns on four consecutive possessions in the third and fourth quarters. They did so despite not converting a third down until less than 30 seconds remained in the third. Then again, you don't have to convert third downs if you keep converting second downs. It added up to another second-half defensive meltdown for the Bears in a season filled with them. A similar second-half meltdown wasn't as noticeable last week against Seattle just because the Bears defense had melted down in the first half as well.

* Other sights seen: Rashied Davis catching dropsy disease from Muhsin Muhammad (he now seems to be a permanent carrier); Denver safety Hamza Abdullah executing a high-flying, old-fashioned heel click after the replay official ruled he had indeed caused Grossman's first fumble and then recovered it; all three defensive ends (Mark Anderson, Alex Brown and Adewale Ogunleye) fooled by that counter-pitch play to Andre Hall before Anderson finally said enough is enough a recorded a big, late tackle-for-loss; Brandon Stokley jitterbugging on the sideline for the clutch first down that kicks off a drive featuring Adam Archuleta failing to even execute pass interference well on a 40-yard completion to tight end Tony Sheffler. Sheffler soon makes his circus catch in the end zone (making it 34-20) and anyone who thought the Bears still had a chance at that point is a better fan than I.

* Late in the game, in a review of big plays that had eventually added up to overtime, polished play-by-play guy and South Side native Greg Gumbel notes "Other than that, not much has happened."

* In the end, after Gould's kick does indeed split the uprights, Lovie is shown carefully removing his headset before beginning to walk toward the middle of the field. He is perfectly stoic until he allows himself the smallest of grins. I'm not sure if the corners off his mouth are actually turned even the slightest bit up but there is a twinkle in his eyes.

* In the aftermath it must be noted (and I began to note it last week) that the 5-6 Bears are now all of a game out of the final playoff spot in the NFC. They are actually further back than that because they've already lost twice to the Lions (6-5), who despite a three-game losing streak still - I love saying this - control their own destiny. If the boys from Detroit win out they will make the playoffs.

Then again, if the Bears beat the Giants on Sunday (don't get too excited of course - in order to do so they will have to win two in a row for the first time this season), they will trail the G-men (7-4) by all of game (for the first wildcard spot) and will have the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Clearly the only thing to do is to keep the faith. Through Devin, all things are possible.

*

Jim Coffman brings you Bear Monday every . . . Monday.

Posted by Lou at 02:47 AM | Permalink

Connie's Corner: Out Stealing Horses

Out Stealing Horses: A Novel