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October 31, 2007

The [Wednesday] Papers

Please take some time today to analyze how evil we here at the Beachwood are, as well as the presidential candidates, state and local officeholders, and various corporate media entities.

Haunts
* Haunted Chicago.

* Haunted Illinois.

* Haunting us.

* Haunted America.

Haunting Me
How beautiful this New York Times essay about My So-Called Life is.

Haunted Backyards
The city's animal control unit will no longer deliver animal traps to citizens plagued with feral creatures like cats and bats.

Instead, Chicagoans will now have to call "a private wildlife service."

Gee, I wonder which one of the mayor's friends owns a business like that.

*

Ald. Fredrenna Lyle (6th) isn't happy. "I have a small dog. [An opossum] came out in my backyard and they had a Mexican standoff."

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

*

Is an opossum the opposite of a possum?

Haunted Cops
The latest clues as to how big the Special Operations Section scandal at the Chicago Police Department is.

"Accused corrupt cop Jerome Finnigan is co-operating with federal authorities in an attempt to 'get someone bigger than himself,' law enforcement sources said Monday," Frank Main and Carol Marin reported in the Sun-Times on Tuesday.

"At least a dozen cops have been granted immunity for their testimony, sources say," Main and Marin report.

"Finnigan and his co-defendants have promoted more than a dozen lawsuits alleging they abused citizens' civil rights. The city is systematically trying to settle those cases, records show."

As noted in this week's Periodical Table, Chicago's latest out of police corruption is making news worldwide.

Haunted Hall
Remember?

Haunted House
Speaking of our international reputation, the ghost of Gerald Ford weighs in:

"When Clinton left office . . . Ford was scornful of his last-minute pardons, except for that given to Chicago's Dan Rostenkowski, chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, who had been convicted in the House Post Office scandal.

"Said Ford: 'Danny's problem was that he played precisely under the rules of the city of Chicago. Now, those aren't the same rules that that any other place in the world lives by, but in Chicago, they were totally legal, and Danny got a screwing, and I was pleased that Clinton granted it.'"

*

On the other hand, I've always rejected that formulation. If those were the rules we lived by in Chicago, we wouldn't keep sending so many pols to jail for violating them. Let's not confuse the prevalence of The Chicago Way with its acceptability.

County Job Fair
"Last year, Jim Dasakis campaigned for a Cook County Board seat on a promise to 'eliminate do-nothing jobs' and 'enforce quality hiring' in county government," Steve Patterson reports in the Sun-Times this morning.

"Now, the Hanover Township Democratic committeeman has been hired by board president Todd Stroger for a job that's been vacant for four years."

This would only make sense if the Dasakis's new job was to enforce quality hiring. Something tells me it's not.

"Dasakis . . . said his job includes 'a bunch of different tasks.'"

In fact, records show his title will be Director of A Bunch of Different Tasks.

"He's among a few Democratic Party bosses who've been added to the county payroll in recent weeks - including Maywood Mayor Henderson Yarbrough, who's now a supervisor for Clerk of the Circuit Court Dorothy Brown.

"Brown would not say what she's paying Yarbrough, but said he oversees criminal records in an upper-management job that she personally filled and that she expects him to provide 'great service' ro her office."

Um, Dorothy, the salaries of public employees are, um, public.

*

Wait, is this the same Dorothy Brown who ran against the mayor and his secretive, corrupt patronage ways?

*

"It's a shame that the only train running on time in Cook County is Todd Stroger's gravy train," County Commissioner Tim Schneider said.

Haunted Bears
Just catching up with Lino Canalia's letter to the Tribune sports editor last Saturday (sixth item):

"I got a chuckle out of David Haugh's article telling us that the Bears have over 1,000 plays in their playbook and they reduce it to 200 for any given game. As a Bears season ticket-holder since 1949, I don't think they've run over 100 different plays in my lifetime."

Haunted Studio
Chicago Tonight is the last place you'd ever expect to hear someone drop the F-bomb," Robert Feder writes (second item). "But that's what viewers of the public television news show heard from an unidentified voice in the background on Window to the World Communications' WTTW-Channel 11.

"Host Phil Ponce apologized at the end of Thursday's show and promised the audience it would 'never happen again.'

Don't be such a tease, Feder, tell us the whole thing! I mean, was it a "Fucking Daley!" or just a "Fuck, my camera lens is still on!"?

The Beachwood Tip Line: Better than candy.

Posted by Lou at 08:58 AM | Permalink

Mystery Debate Theater 2007

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ for a night of revelry and disgust as the Democratic candidates for president spun their little lies and deployed cute laugh lines written for them by their highly-paid advisors. This debate was carried out mostly in a continual monotone; Mike Gravel was not allowed to participate because he was deemed to have an insufficient chance of emerging as the party's nominee, as if Bill Richardson, Joe Biden or Chris Dodd will be heading the ticket. Gravel was missed.

Here is a transcript of the proceedings edited for clarity, wit, length and sanity. Please note the late arrival of Mr. Kingsford, and his lame choice of convenience store snackery.

*

CO-MODERATOR BRIAN WILLIAMS: Senator Obama, we'll begin with you. You gave an interview to The New York Times over the weekend pledging in it to be more aggressive, to be tougher in your campaign against your chief rival for the nomination, the leader among Democrats so far, Senator Clinton, who is here next to you tonight.

Specifically, what are the issues where you, Senator Obama, and Senator Clinton have differed, where you think she has sounded or voted like a Republican?

OBAMA: Well, first of all, I think some of this stuff gets overhyped. In fact, I think this has been the most hyped fight since Rocky fought Apollo Creed, although the amazing thing is I'm Rocky in this situation. (Laughter.)

STEVE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Stop, you're killing me.

OBAMA (in a steady monotone): But look, we have big challenges. We're at war. The country is struggling with issues like rising health care. We've got major global challenges like climate change. And that's going to require big meaningful change, and I'm running for president because I think that the way to bring about that change is to offer some sharp contrasts with the other party. I think it means that we bring people together to get things done. I think it means that we push against the special interests that are holding us back, and most importantly, I think it requires us to be honest about the challenges that we face.

TIM: My God, someone hold him back.

*

CLINTON: I don't think the Republicans got the message that I'm voting and sounding like them. If you watched their debate last week, I seemed to be the topic of great conversation and consternation, and that's for a reason, because I have stood against George Bush and his failed policies.

They want to continue the war in Iraq; I want to end it. The Republicans are waving their sabers and talking about going after Iran. I want to prevent a rush to war.

TIM: At the very least, if we invade Iran we should do it with more than sabers.

CO-MODERATOR TIM RUSSERT: Senator Edwards . . .

TIM: Who?

RUSSERT: You issued a press release, your campaign, and the headline is "Edwards to Clinton: American People Deserve the Truth, Not More Double-Talk on Iran." What double-talk are you suggesting that Senator Clinton's been engaging in on Iran?

EDWARDS: She says she'll stand up to George Bush on Iran. She just said it again. And in fact, she voted to give George Bush the first step in moving militarily on Iran, and he's taken it. Bush and Cheney have taken it. They've now declared the Iranian Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization and a proliferator of weapons of mass destruction. I think we have to stand up to this president.

And then finally she said in our last debate that she was against any changes on Social Security - benefits, retirement age or raising the cap on the Social Security tax. But apparently it's been reported that she said privately something different than that. And I think the American people, given this historic moment in our country's history, deserve a president of the United States that they know will tell them the truth, and won't say one thing one time and something different at a different time.

RUSSERT: Do you stand behind the word "double-talk"?

TIM: No. I never said that.

CLINTON: Well, I think that anyone who's looked at my record of 35 years fighting, for women and children and people who feel invisible and left out in this country, knows my record. I fought for expanded education and health care in Arkansas. I helped to bring health care to 6 million children while in the White House. And now, in the Senate, I've been standing up against the Republicans on everything from preventing them from privatizing Social Security to standing up against President Bush's veto of children's health.

You know, I have a long record of standing up and fighting, and I take on the special interests. I've been taking them on for many years. And I think all you have to do is go back and - and read the media to know that.

But on specific issues I've come out with very specific plans.

With respect to Social Security, I do have a plan. It's called start with fiscal responsibility. That's what we were doing in the 1990s, and we had Social Security on a much better path than it is today because of the irresponsible spending policies of George Bush and the Republican Congress.

If there are some of the long-term challenges that we need to address, let's do it in the context of having fiscal responsibility, and then let's put together a bipartisan commission and look at how we're going to deal with these long-term challenges. But I am not going to balance Social Security on the backs of seniors and hardworking middle-class Americans. Let's start taking the tax cuts away from the wealthy. Let's take away the no-bid contracts from Halliburton before we start imposing a trillion-dollar tax increase on the elderly and on middle-class workers. I don't think that's necessary.

So I have a very specific plan. My friends may not agree with it, but I've been saying it and talking about it for many months.

STEVE: Look at this, she's thrilled. It plays right into her hand. It's all about her.

TIM: Maybe she's going to have to start attacking herself. If Obama won't attack me, I will! I hate this outfit! My husband picked it out for me!

*

TIM: You know what Obama should have done? Started out the debate talking about how later in the debate he was going to go on the attack. Well, later in the debate, Tim . . .

*

STEVE: Mike Gravel couldn't be here tonight because he's attending a meeting of his gay condo association.

*

STEVE: Did Mike Gravel order the code red? You're damn right I did! I stuck the credit card companies with the bills!

TIM: I thought Duncan Hunter ordered it.

*

CLINTON: I am against a rush to war. I was the first person on this stage and one of the very first in the Congress to go to the floor of the Senate back in February and say George Bush had no authority to take any military action in Iran.

Secondly, I am not in favor of this rush for war, but I'm also not in favor of doing nothing. Iran is seeking nuclear weapons, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is in the forefront of that, as they are in the sponsorship of terrorism. So some may want a false choice between rushing to war - which is the way the Republicans sound; it's not even a question of whether, it's a question of when and what weapons to use - and doing nothing. I prefer vigorous diplomacy, and I happen to think economic sanctions are part of vigorous diplomacy.

You know, several people who were adamantly opposed to the war in Iraq, like Senator Durbin, voted the same way I did and said at the time that if he thought there was even the pretense that could be used from the language in that non-binding resolution to give George Bush any support to go to war, he wouldn't have voted for it. Neither would I.

RUSSERT: Senator Dodd, you said that vote was a justification for war in Iran.

DODD: Well, Tim, I believe that this issue is going to come back to haunt us. We all learned, some of us here painfully, back in 2002 that by voting for an authorization regarding Iraq, that despite the language of that resolution, which called for diplomacy at the time, this administration used that resolution, obviously, to pursue a very aggressive action in Iraq.

It was interesting that people like Dick Lugar, the former Republican chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee; Chuck Hagel, of Nebraska, Republicans, also had serious reservations and voted against that resolution the other day.

RUSSERT: Senator Biden, do you agree with Senator Webb it was de facto a declaration of war?

BIDEN: I think it can be used as a fact - a declaration.

TIM: If you put a fluffy white beard on Joe Biden, he's a dead ringer for Kenny Rogers.

STEVE: Or Kenny Loggins.

*

WILLIAMS: Senator Obama, let's get at this another way. Red line is the current expression of the moment where Iran is concerned in Washington. What would your red line be concerning when to, if to attack Iran?

TIM: We should wait until Andrew gets here.

OBAMA: I don't think we should be talking about attacking Iran at this point.

STEVE: I'm too busy talking about attacking Pakistan.

TIM: I think Iran should know that, in a week, I'm going to attack them.

*

CLINTON: I believe we should be engaged in diplomacy right now with the Iranians. Everything should be on the table, not just their nuclear program.

TIM: Lasers.

CLINTON: I've been advocating this for several years, I believe it strongly, but I also think when you go to the table to negotiate with an adversarial regime, you need both carrots and sticks.

TIM: The Carrot of Damocles?

*

RUSSERT: Governor Richardson, would you negotiate with Iran without any conditions?

STEVE: Well, first I'd like to say thank you for having me here . . .

RICHARDSON: I believe that we can achieve a compromise on the nuclear issue in exchange for . . .

STEVE: A million dollars. Er, a hundred million dollars!

RICHARDSON: . . . them having a nuclear fuel cycle, nuclear power; they don't develop nuclear weapons - carrot and sticks, diplomatic initiatives, economic incentives.

The problem is, we saber rattle, and this resolution in the Senate saber rattles.

STEVE: The saber special interests have these people in their pockets.

RUSSERT: Congressman Kucinich, your opinion of this resolution?

STEVE: Well, first I'd like to say thank you for having me here . . .

KUCINICH: Well, first of all, we need to adamantly reject any kind of a move towards war with Iran. There's no basis for it whatsoever.

But we have to realize, Tim, that we have a number of enablers, who happen to be Democrats, who have said over the last year, with respect to Iran, all options are on the table.

And when you say all options are on the table, you are licensing President Bush. When - and I'm the only one up here on the stage who not only voted against the war in Iraq, voted against funding the war, but also led the effort against Bush's drive towards war.

The problem is, these policies of preemption license a war. Preemption, by virtue of international law, is illegal. Our president has already violated international law. The war in Iraq is illegal. Even planning for the war against Iran is illegal.

Tim, we're here in Philadelphia, the birthplace of democracy. I want to know when this Democratic Congress is going to stand up for the Constitution and hold the president accountable with Article II, Section 4: an impeachment act. I think that our democracy is in peril. And unless the Democrats and the Congress stand up for the Constitution, we are going to lose our country.

We need to challenge him on this war but we need to challenge him at his core. And the core is, there needs to be a separation of powers, a balance of powers. Things are out of balance. It is time for us to stand up for the Constitution of the United States. (Applause.)

STEVE: Amen, brother!

TIM: Once you start defending the Constitution you know you're out of it.

STEVE: It's such a Hail Mary.

*

OBAMA: I think all of us are committed to Iran not having nuclear weapons. And - and so, you know, we - we - we could potentially short-circuit this. (Laughter.)

But - but I think there is a larger point at stake, Tim, and that is we have been governed by fear for the last six years, and this president has used the fear of terrorism to launch a war that should have never been authorized.

STEVE: Here we go again. Are his writers on strike or something?

OBAMA: We are seeing the same pattern now. We are seeing the Republican nominees do the same thing. And it is very important for us to draw a clear line and say we are not going to be governed by fear.

We will take threats seriously. We will take action to make sure that the United States is secure. As president of the United States, I will do everything in my power to keep us safe.

But what we cannot continue to do is operate as if we are the weakest nation in the world instead of the strongest one, because that's not who we are . . .

STEVE: What was the question?

TIM: I think he's talking about Social Security.

STEVE: I can hear his donors fleeing to Hillary at this very moment.

OBAMA . . . And that's not what America has been about historically, and it is starting to warp our domestic policies, as well. We haven't even talked about civil liberties and the impact of that politics of fear, what that has done to us in terms of undermining basic civil liberties in this country, what it has done in terms of our reputation around the world.

Andrew arrives with a few Heineken keg cans and chiquitos from 7/11.

*

RUSSERT: Senator Biden, would you pledge to the American people that Iran . . .

TIM: . . . not have sabers?

*

OBAMA: [The Iranian Revolutionary Guard resolution] is yet another rationale for what we're doing in Iraq, and I think that's a mistake.

STEVE: Obama didn't even vote on that.

TIM: He's moving to post-election mode.

*

WILLIAMS: Earlier this month, Republican presidential front-runner Rudolph Giuliani said this about you, quote, "I don't know Hillary's experience. She's never run a city. She's never run a state. She's never run a business. She's never met a payroll. She's never been responsible for the safety and security of millions of people, much less even hundreds of people. So I'm trying to figure out where the experience is here."

TIM: She ran you out of the [Senate] race, dude!

*

EDWARDS: What I would say is Senator Clinton just said that she believes we desperately need change in this country, and I - I agree with that. I actually think we have a system that's broken. It's rigged, it's corrupt, and it does not work for the American people, and it's time we start telling the truth about that.

TIM: It sounds so much better when Mike Gravel says it. The system is dirty, corrupt, despicable, disgusting, I hate you all, die . . .

*

OBAMA: I'm the only person on this stage who has worked actively just last year passing - along with Russ Feingold - some of the toughest ethics reforms since Watergate - making sure that lobbyists could not provide gifts and meals to congressman, making sure the bundling of monies by lobbyists was disclosed.

TIM: And the bundling of meals. No more sacks of sliders.

And finally, I think we've got to have a president who has the experience of standing up even when it's not easy, which is what I did in 2002 when I stood up against this war in Iraq 10 days before the authorization. It is - that is the kind of judgment that I'm displaying during this campaign when I go to Detroit and I say to the automakers that they need to raise fuel efficiency standards; not in front of some environmental group.

TIM: No more bundling of automobiles.

WILLIAMS: Governor Richardson, though there was broad disagreement on this panel about you having the only negotiation experience, you did raise your qualifications earlier. Is your contention that, say, the top three front-runners in this race are less qualified than you are to be president?

RICHARDSON: No. And I'm positive - you know what I'm hearing here . . .

ANDREW: I'm hearing people who aren't listening to each other. I'm hearing a lot of pain.

RICHARDSON: I'm hearing this holier-than-thou attitude toward Senator Clinton.

ANDREW: I need more vocals in my monitor.

RICHARDSON: That it's bothering me because it's pretty close to personal attacks that we don't need. Do we trust her? Do we - she takes money from special interests.

We need to be positive in this campaign. Yes, we need to point out our differences, and I have big differences with her. Over the war. I would get all our troops out. Over No Child Left Behind. I'd get rid of it.

I also have differences over Iran. I think that was the wrong vote for her to cast, because I think it was saber-rattling.

STEVE: Ding!

RICHARDSON: I'm the only CEO in this race.

STEVE: He's a CEO? Of what, Richardson Industries?

*

WILLIAMS: Senator Dodd, you gave an interview to our local NBC station here today alluding to problems with Senator Clinton's national electability. What is the point you want to make on that score?

DODD: Whether it's fair or not fair, the fact of the matter is that my colleague from - from New York, Senator Clinton, there are 50 percent of the American public that say they're not going to vote for her.

TIM: I'm Chris Dodd, and I can tell you with certainty that 50 percent of the public hasn't said they won't vote for me.

DODD: For 26 years I have, in every major landmark piece of legislation, had a Republican as my co-sponsor because no one party is going to straighten all of this out. When I started the Children's Caucus in 1981, I did it with Arlen Specter of this state. When I wrote the Family and Medical Leave bill, I did it with Kit Bond and Dan Coats.

When I wrote the first childcare legislation since World War II, I did it with Orrin Hatch - not because I agreed with him on any other issue, but because I knew in order to move our country forward we had to have leadership in this country.

STEVE: I had to write bills I didn't agree with.

TIM: I co-wrote the Loggins-Messina-Dodd bill.

*

BIDEN: Rudy Giuliani. I mean, think about it. Rudy Giuliani. There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11. (Laughter.)

TIM: He's copping our shit, man.

*

OBAMA: All the other suggestions that have been made are sound, but one of the things that we have to do with respect to conservation is increase fuel efficiency standards on cars. And we have to make that commitment not just by going to environmentalist groups and saying we're going to do it, but doing what I did, which is go to Detroit, talking to the automakers.

ANDREW: All Oldsmobiles will be made out of recycled paper.

*

STEVE: Mike Gravel's plane went into the Sea of Japan. There were no survivors.

*

RICHARDSON: This is what I would do. One, I'd have 100,000 new science and math teachers.

TIM: What's the difference, I'm not gonna win. Let's say a million teachers.

*

WILLIAMS: On behalf of all of us at NBC News, especially our road crew here who makes these all possible, good night from Philadelphia. Thank you for being with us.

-

Beachwood Analysis
As usual, Hillary Clinton wins for not losing, and the attacks on her from Obama only looked petty and desperate. Obama is actually now creating a narrative that Republicans will use in the same cynical fashion that Obama so often derides. The story is a little bit different with Edwards, and he might have gotten the biggest boost tonight. Edwards is a much more forceful alternative to Hillary, with a clearer populist agenda; unlike Obama, we know what he stands for and where his priorities seem to lie. The question is whether voters trust him, whether he is electable, whether he could actually succeed and whether he has the right kind of experience to be a successful president. But some of those disenchanted Obama supporters could find a home in the Edwards campaign.

The moderators seemed to ask questions of Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson (who is clearly running for vice president) and Dennis Kucinich only because they were obligated to. Blame that on Tim Russert. The debates moderated by Russert have been the worst. Russert doesn't seem to understand the difference between hosting his show and moderating a debate. He insists on trying to nail down pledges and playing insider baseball and gotcha as if the debaters were one-on-one guests on Meet The Press, which is no way to foster a fruitful discussion of issues between multiple candidates on a stage.

-

Catch up on all the installments of Mystery Debate Theater!

Posted by Lou at 07:14 AM | Permalink

The Periodical Table

A (mostly) weekly look at the magazines laying around Beachwood HQ.

That's Mitt!
Ryan Lizza's profile of Mitt Romney in the latest New Yorker examines the management consulting theories that inform his approach to governing. It's a lot more interesting than that sounds.

Agent of Fortune
In the same issue, Ben McGrath profiles superagent and scourge of baseball Scott Boras, in a piece called "The Extortionist."

Boras has a couple Chicago connections. First, he was actually in the Chicago Cubs organization at one point. Second, he joined the Chicago law firm of Rooks, Pitts & Poust after getting his law degree in 1982, focusing on medical malpractice work. Third, Boras represents White Sox third baseman Joe Crede, who spent most of last season on the disabled list. Why is this important? "The White Sox have historically tended to avoid doing business with Scott Boras," McGrath writes. "[Dennis] Gilbert [a special assistant to Jerry Reinsdorf] also pointed out that Joe Crede, a a Boras client on Chicago's roster, spent most of this season on the disabled list."

I think McGrath - and Gilbert - are telling us Crede was shelved in part as payback to Crede.

Deli Counter
"Right after Labor Day, I sat down with Jack Lebewohl and Steve Cohen to talk about the [new incarnation of the famed Second Avenue Deli]. Cohen, 59, its general manager, was a fixture there for 24 years. We met at the apartment of Josh Lebewohl, Jack's 27-year-old son. Josh is a real estate lawyer who is the co-owner - and silent partner - of the deli with his younger brother, an echo of Jack and Abe. Though Josh stayed at his office, his apartment was a sane place to talk, away from the construction site that would be the deli's new home," Alex Witchel writes in The New York Times Magazine.

"Cohen said that most of the same cooks will return. Just in case anyone thinks that means a crew of Jewish grandmothers, he elaborated: ''They are Puerto Rican, Chinese, Haitian, Indian and from Central America. It's the U.N. back there.''

"Lebewohl, who is also 59, said he won't make the same mistake he made after Abe was shot. ''I put a section on the menu called "healthy alternatives,''' he recalled. 'Roast chicken, broiled salmon, fillet of sole. I stopped selling all of it.' He shrugged. 'People come to the deli because they want to eat a certain type of food.' Or as the New York Times reporter and deli aficionado Richard F. Shepard used to say, 'I love Jewish food, but when you eat it, 72 hours later you're hungry again.'

"Lebewohl says he expects the clientele at the new deli to be a mixed bag, as always. 'The current cardinal, Egan, before he became cardinal, he ate in the deli,' he said. 'Cardinal O'Connor ate our food. We had a black chef who made delicious p'tcha, which is jellied calves' feet, a real old-time Jewish recipe. And I said to him: "Eddie, it's delicious. Where did you learn how to make p'tcha?" He says, "Jack, I've been making this since I was a little boy, just with pigs' feet.'''"

Profit Motive
"Most newspaper executives now are banking on a successful transfer of their business online to ensure future profitability," newspaper industry analyst John Morton writes in American Journalism Review. "Unfortunately, they came late to the realization of how important this is and did not invest enough capital in the early years of the Internet.

"Instead, most newspaper companies concentrated on shoring up the profitability of their traditional newsprint-oriented business, chiefly through laying off employees, downsizing their newspapers and cutting back on circulation in distant areas of little interest to advertisers in their core markets. It was a classic defensive strategy that undermined the very things - standing, reputation, influence -that are crucial to success on the Internet."

Yet, like pro-war pundits who have lost none of their standing, reputation and influence, those same executives - and their highly-paid consultants - remain in their cushy jobs wreaking havoc on the rest of us while they try to catch up. Maybe newspapers need new executives.

"The newspaper industry remains highly profitable by comparison with most other businesses. Bad as 2007 has been, the publicly reporting companies still produced an average operating-profit margin of nearly 16 percent in the first half of the year - a level many businesses can never hope to achieve. Still, the average profit margin has been in steady decline since 2002, when it was 22.3 percent."

In other words, action must be taken, but an awful lot of folks are still lining their pockets at the expense of reporters, photographers, copy editors etc. - and the public.

"That newspapers have been able to maintain such high margins has not been due to improving business but to cost-cutting and, recently, a decline in newsprint costs. But no industry can cut its way to future success. At some point, the business must improve."

No industry can cut its way to success, but individuals making those cuts sure can. And that's the story that hasn't been told.

*

"I will give the last word to [Warren] Buffett, who writes in his shareholders' letter of his company's Buffalo News: ' . . . the days of lush profits from our newspapers are over forever.'"

Good. Now let's get on to the business of newspapering.

Chicago Blues
"The Windy City's police department has an ugly history," The Economist said last week.

Just so you know how Chicago is perceived worldwide; it's not for the wonders of Millennium Park.

"In its most infamous chapter, officers tortured suspects in the 1970s and 1980s."

Not some distant time. Now. This era.

"But even with such a past, this year has been particularly fraught for America's second-biggest police force."

Just to review: Richard M. Daley was the Cook County State's Attorney from 1980 to 1989. While torture was taking place.

He has been mayor ever since. Two of this last three police chiefs have resigned due to scandal.

"Between 2002 and 2004 civilians filed more than 10,000 reports of serious abuse, such as excessive force and false arrests. Only 19 of these complaints led to an officer's suspension for a week or more."

Nineteen of 10,000. Resulting in at least a week's suspension. Remember that the next time the mayor whines that the media is piling on the police.

"Ilana Rosenzweig, the new head of the OPS, is trying to recruit investigators, but her office is understaffed and is dealing with almost 1,300 open cases.

"A broader problem is how to change the police department's culture. It is common for police officers to shield each other from punishment, but the phenomenon reaches an extreme in Chicago."

Our flowers sure look nice, though.

Democratic Movement
Lawrence Wright had a bold idea for Iraq in last week's New Yorker: Put democracy in action and ask Iraqis what they want America to do.

"We didn't ask the Iraqis if we could invade their country; we didn't ask them if we could occupy it; and now we are not asking them if we should leave. Whatever we end up doing, we need to remember that eventually the only people who are going to occupy Iraq are the Iraqis, and that the decision of when we leave, as inevitably we will, should be as much theirs as ours."

Posted by Lou at 12:24 AM | Permalink

Haunted America

AMERICA'S TOP HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS

List Highlights New Standards of Fear and Fun at Leading Haunts

St. Louis, MO - To kick off the 2007 Haunt Season, Hauntworld Magazine, the haunt industry's leading trade publication, today announced its list of the Top 13 Professional Haunted Attractions in the country. These attractions are being recognized for their attention to detail, high-quality special effects, and overall scare factor.

Ranging from haunted hotels and prisons to spooky hayrides, the list represents the best haunted attractions the nation has to offer, as selected by the editors at Hauntworld Magazine. In an industry that has reached the multi-billion dollar mark, these haunts are leading the way in scream-inducing innovations.

"The haunts we've included are as expertly produced as any major motion picture today," said Editor-in-Chief of Hauntworld Magazine, Larry Kirchner. "They have behind-the-scenes teams of master Hollywood special effects technicians, make-up artists, set designers, and trained actors. We're an industry that exists to make people scream and laugh at the same time - and these haunts do just that, and more."

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2007 Top 13 Professional Haunted Attractions

1. NETHERWORLD Haunted House, Atlanta, GA
2. 13th Gate Haunted House, Baton Rouge, LA
3. The Bates Motel, Philadelphia, PA
4. Headless Horseman Hayrides and Haunted Houses, Ulster Park, NY
5. The Darkness, St. Louis, MO
6. Eastern State Penitentiary's Terror Behind the Walls, presented by LUKOIL, Philadelphia, PA
7. Erebus Four Story Haunted Attraction, Detroit, MI
8. 7 Floors of Hell, Cleveland, OH
9. Kersey Valley SpookyWoods and Maize Adventure, Greensboro, NC
10. Universal Studios House of Horrors, Hollywood CA
11. Queen Mary's Shipwreck Annual Halloween Terror Fest, Long Beach, CA
12. Dreamreapers Haunted House, Melrose Park, IL
13. The Haunted Hotel, San Diego, CA

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Best Home Haunted House

1. Castle Blood, Pittsburgh, PA
2. Haunted Overload, Lee, NH
3. Terror Syndicate, Pittsburgh, PA
4. Rot Haunted House, Thousand Oaks, CA

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Best Amusement Park Halloween Events

1. Universal Studios Horror Nights, Orlando, FL
2. Knott's Scary Farm, Buena Park, CA
3. Busch Gardens HallowScream, Tampa Bay, FL

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For more information on this year's Top Haunted Attractions as well as other top industry lists, please visit www.hauntworld.com.

Posted by Lou at 12:08 AM | Permalink

October 30, 2007

The [Tuesday] Papers

This is far more important to Chicago's chances of landing the 2016 Olympics than missing boxers or botched ambulance runs - the underplayed part of the Chicago Marathon debacle:

"Chicago has the ingredients for developing a world-class transportation system, but unless reinvestment begins promptly, the city may have few mass-transit services left when the 2016 Olympics are held, federal lawmakers warned Monday," the Tribune reported this morning atop its front page.

"Pointing to the transit crisis just days away. U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio (D-Ore.) bashed Illinois as 'the poster child for neglect' during a congressional field hearing downtown that examined the city's transportation needs if it hosts the Summer Games in nine years.

"He said the political gridlock in Springfield that has pushed the Chicago Transit Authority toward next week's 'doomsday' service cuts and fare increases complicates the Daley administration's efforts to prove it is prepared to be the Olympic host city.

"De Fazio is chairman of the House Highways and Transit Subcommittee, which wields influence in the fierce competition among cities vying to win billions of dollars in federal grants and funding earmarks for coveted transportation projects."

In other words, maybe Mayor Daley should have been in Oregon, Washington, D.C., and Springfield instead of riding bikes in France last month.

This part might be even more important.

"Surprisingly, none of the transportation officials used the hearing to pitch new projects as being vital to hosting an Olympics that would serve an estimated 2 million visitors," the Tribune account notes.

"Setting up the right transportation system presents one of the biggest challenges to a successful Olympic bid, said Doug Arnot, a senior vice president for Chicago 2016.

"Yet Chicago's bid plans do not call for adding any significant transportation infrastructure, said Arnot, who was involved in the planning for four Olympic Games, including in Atlanta, Sydney and Salt Lake City.

"'Although we recognize that in the past cities have often looked at the prospect of the Games as a chance to bring forward long-planned projects, Chicago 2016 has not proposed, nor has budgeted, for any long-term city infrastructure projects,' Arnot told the subcommittee."

Remember, Arnot is not a critic, he's on the Chicago bid committee.

"Before the 1996 Summer Games held in Atlanta, the existing rail system was expanded by three new stations, 7 miles of new track and other improvements to system capacity," the Trib says. "The bus system was also beefed up."

No such proposals here, though I bet there's a secret plan in the mayor's back pocket.

Meanwhile, after testimony about how decrepit the CTA has become, U.S. Rep. Dan Lipinski (D-Lipinski) told the subcommittee that "fortunately, Chicago already has a world-class transportation system."

In which world?

Master of Doom
CTA's doomsday scenario is bad enough on its own; it doesn't need to be spun. But the mayor is who he is. And so is the Sun-Times.

"More than 41,000 City Colleges students would also be impacted," Fran Spielman writes today. "Roughly 14,000 of them would have to drop out, while another 11,000 would reduce their coursework or postpone it, costing the financially-strapped City Colleges system $24 million in revenue, according to a recent survey."

I'm obviously sympathetic to everyone who's lives will be adversely impacted by the CTA shutting down bus routes and raising fares, but will 14,000 City Colleges students really drop out on Monday if the doomsday budget kicks in? And will another 11,000 "postpone" their coursework, which sounds awfully close to "dropping out" as well?

Unlike Spielman, I'd like to see how that survey was done.

Five-Finger Discount
Geez, if these guys were Chicago Bears they'd be back at practice today. Even if they left Nordstrom's and got in their cars drunk.

Sneedlings
1. When Sneed "hears" House Speaker Mike Madigan and House Republican leader Tom Cross laid out the parameters for a gaming bill over the weekend, does she mean she heard it on the TV?

2. When Sneed writes that "word is" a member of Barack Obama's national finance committee just switched to Hillary, does she mean the word in the New York Times a couple days ago is?

3. At least she sources two of her three next items today to the Times and Washington Post.

If Sneed worked in Cook County government, there would be editorials calling for her ouster.

County Line
I don't even have a joke for the news today that Cook County Board members are getting a 27 percent hike in their office budgets. It just makes me tired.

Hope Dope
The Sun-Times editorial page applauds Obama today for entering a new phase of his campaign in which he will attack Hillary Clinton, even as it asks "What happened to the Obama who galvanized the nation?"

Does anyone else see the disconnect there?

First, the Obama who galvanized the nation did so in one speech. That doesn't make someone qualified to be president. If it was, Joel Osteen would make an even better candidate.

Second, he galvanized the nation with the promise of new, positive approach to politics.

Third, attacking the frontrunner when you are getting desperate is as conventional and cynical as old-time politics gets.

The problem with Obama's campaign isn't his lack of aggressiveness toward Hillary. It's the absence of an innovative Hope Agenda to match his rhetoric. Obama has talked about a new approach forever without ever explaining what that new approach would be, outside of being more polite. He has failed to take unconventional policy positions or make any creative proposals that would inspire folks waiting to be inspired. Because that's not who he is.

The truth is that Obama has never been a bold politician. Nearly every profile written about him notes his cautious nature and his alleged penchant toward consensus-building, but you can't be a change agent if you are determined to not rile up any opposition.

We don't even know what Obama's priorities are. There is no Hope Train to get on.

The truth is that Obama is not a change candidate outside of his biography, and the campaign he's running is more like, say, George H.W. Bush's 1988 campaign in the sense that he's offering a kinder, gentler version of what's come before him. If he had been Al Gore's vice president for the last eight years, it would probably get him elected. But not now.

Hawkeye Pierce
Of course, it's not over. Obama could win Iowa and that would change the dynamic, as they say. But it's funny how Obama is now running an Iowa- and New Hampshire-centric campaign when I thought raising all that money was about being in it for the long haul. The campaign now has a huge warchest it might never get to use. And don't let the Obama campaign fool you: Its early-state strategy is new, out of necessity. It wasn't always about Iowa.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Give us a jingle.

Posted by Lou at 08:43 AM | Permalink

Cab #539

Date Taken: 10/28/07
From: O'Hare
To: Rosemont

The Cab: Your basic, somewhat overworn Dodge Minivan. No visible mechanical defects. After finding out the route, driver tested back hatch, tires and suspension.

The Driver: A surly prick even before he found out he rushed into the teeth of O'Hare traffic for a paltry $10 fare. When told of the destination, he tersely reponded "Why Rosemont"? At this point, I figured "Because I fucking said so" wouldn't help matters.

Apparently if you need a relatively short trip from O'Hare, the driver gets a pass that allows him or to go to the front of the cab line the next time around. Driver #539 was unimpressed when we pointed this out to the cab line attendant on his behalf. Do I get a pass when I need a $100 cab ride to Deerfield? Well, them are the breaks, bub.

The Driving: Driver #539 shared with us the perils of O'Hare life, such as the massive line of cars crawling into the airport, as well as the injustice we'd just caused. Instead of paying $48 to park two cars at the airport, we decided to do the financially prudent thing and park both cars at my wife's office. Apparently this urge to save money and energy resources makes us very bad people.

Because he wanted us gone from Earth, Driver #539 delivered us to our destination expeditiously. When we gave a much larger tip than was deserved, he humbly said thanks. I would have welcomed his sudden change in attitude only if he had promised to participate in a one-car accident.

Overall Rating: One extended arm, and two extended fingers.

- Eric Emery

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There are more than 6,000 cabs in the city of Chicago. We intend to review every one of them.

Posted by Lou at 12:29 AM | Permalink

October 29, 2007

The [Monday] Papers

1. Chicago is another Detroit. In Bear Monday, our new weekly feature recapping each Sunday's debacle from here through the rest of the season.

2. The Sun-Times laments this morning the fact that three boxers in town for the World Championships are missing because it might hurt Chicago's chances of landing the 2016 Olympics.

What?

If I understand correctly, the boxers - two from Uganda and one from Armenia - have escaped to freedom. Way to go!

Shouldn't we be cheering that?

In fact, I don't understand why this isn't top-of-front-page news. Didn't these boxers defect? Shouldn't we support that? Run, boxers, run!

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The Sun-Times's Roman Modrowski also lamented the missing boxers in his "Sunday Drive" feature, calling the Chicago 2016 effort one of the week's Misses.

"[I]t seems things aren't going well for our Olympics bid. And it's for things that aren't our fault. People sometimes die during marathons, and boxers defect. The perception isn't very positive."

Yes, it doesn't look good when our security is so sloppy that people escape their bondage.

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"I don't think anyone likes the fact that people take off," Chicago 2016 chairman Pat Ryan told the Sun-Times.

Mr. Putin, rebuild that wall!

"But keep it in perspective: It's less than a handful of people out of 700."

Thank God the rest of them have to go back to their tyrannical homelands. Their captivity is good business for Chicago.

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Then again, we're also being held captive. "Local officials are refusing to detail what city services are being used to stage the [boxing] event."

That's because no public funds will be spent on the Olympic effort, remember?

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Memo to boxers thinking about defecting: The Sun-Times will turn you in, but there's always room for you at Beachwood HQ.

3. There is only one acceptable way to own a Ramones T-shirt. A former writer for Beavis & Butt-head explains.

4. The Sun-Times wrapped up its week-long series on missing people in Chicago without any justifiable explanation for its overblown effort.

In the series' first installment, the paper thundered that "The number of people who go missing in Chicago and around the country staggers the imagination. In Chicago alone, 20,022 people were reported missing last year. That comes to 54 people, on average, reported missing here each day. Nationally, more than 800,000 people were reported missing last year."

Yet, in Thursday's installment the paper acknowledges that "In Chicago, 20,000 people are reported missing each year. The vast majority of cases - 98 percent - are solved, largely because missing individuals often want to be gone, and eventually return home."

So the newspaper devoted a five-part series to a "crime" in which 98 percent of the cases are solved and not really crimes at all.

If my math is correct, that means that 400 cases a year are legit. And even that sounds high. Are 400 people really abducted in Chicago each year?

The Sun-Times also ballyhooed the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, whose scary statistics don't hold up under even the skimpiest of scrutiny.

In fact, The Denver Post won a Pulitzer in 1985 for its investigation exposing the "missing children epidemic" as a sham.

"Most of the so-called abductions were runaways or children taken in parental custody disputes,USA Today noted.

"There was a vanishingly small number that were actually missing through a stranger abduction," investigative reporter Lou Kilzer told On the Media in 2002.

The Sun-Times has a few fine reporters, but overall its rigor in its reporting is akin to that of college freshmen who have yet to complete their first serious class.

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Or maybe the Sun-Times knows all that but decided to exploit missing children anyway to boost circulation. How ironic.

5. This is better.

6. John Kass returned Sunday to the case of Mike Mette, the Chicago cop who got himself into trouble in Iowa and is on his way to serve a five-year prison term there.

To read Kass, you'd think Mette was really getting a raw deal. But is he telling you the whole story?

Go back to the last item - Kass's Cop - in this column, and decide for yourself.

7. If anything, Kass's gripe ought to be with mandatory-minimums.

8. The Sun-Times's Maureen O'Donnell interviewed Rev. Al Sharpton and more than half of the transcript published on Sunday was about the Tawana Brawley case. I'm not thrilled with Sharpton's role in the Brawley affair, either, but that was 20 years ago. Why not ask about Mayor Daley and the current state of the Chicago Police Department? That's why Sharpton is here.

9. As I've written before, Sharpton has moderated more thoughtful discussions of the Chicago police and the mayor from his radio show in New York over the last year than anyone locally, particularly from the white-owned media, which largely ignored (with the huge exception of the Reader) the torturuous reign of Jon Burge for years, and continues to let the mayor slide.

10. "The mayor will 'substantially reduce' his proposed $108 million property tax increase," the Sun-Times reported last Thursday.

"Asked whether the largest property tax increase in Chicago history could be eliminated entirely, he said, 'If I said that, then you'd [say] Mayor Daley is a big liar.'"

So the mayor is spitefully forging ahead with property tax increases to deny the media the chance to tell the truth.

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World Series Note: Now that Clint Hurdle's Colorado Rockies have been swept, what will their manager do now? Beachwood readers know the answer to that: Listen to some alt-country (third item).

The Beachwood Tip Line: Pipeline to freedom.

Posted by Lou at 09:12 AM | Permalink

Bear Monday: Another Detroit

When Detroit defensive back Kenoy Kennedy embarked on an ill-advised interception return (instead of just taking a touchback, he left the end zone and was almost immediately tackled well inside the 10) during Sunday's first half, my cousin Carmen noted reassuringly "There's the Lions being the Lions."

That used to be such a satisfying put-down. But it's officially out the window, at least around here. On the other hand I would imagine fans of the visiting team were having a grand old time identifying all those "Bears being Bears" sequences during Sunday's debacle.

Sunday's game began so promisingly. For one thing, it was a beautiful fall day at Soldier Field and the Bears' bright orange uni's were just about screaming "Happy Halloween" (just the thing for the Bear fan who already has all manner of midnight blue and white Urlacher jerseys). For another, viewers quickly realized we would not be subjected to know-nothing Fox analyst Brian Baldinger for a third consecutive week.

One of the toughest things about the Bears' slow start this season has been watching the team fall down the broadcast pecking order. Where last year we regularly heard from top analysts like Troy Aikman and, on the rare occasions the Bears appeared on CBS, Phil Simms (both of whom quarterbacked teams to Super Bowl championships and clearly do so much more prep work, like memorizing the rule book, than scrubs like Baldinger), now we're getting deep into the depth chart.

Actually, the Bears moved up on Sunday, to veteran play-by-play man Sam Rosen and analyst and former Bear D-lineman Tim Ryan (he was with the team during the era known as the Fall of Ditka, 1990-92; 1993 was his final season). And it was a solid broadcast, although I must say I wasn't quite as tuned in as I usually am (I had Carmen providing color in my own house after all).

The pre-game promise didn't last long. The Lions made a field goal (thanks in largest part to the Bear safeties combining to draw a well-deserved, almost 50-yard pass interference penalty) and the Bears missed one. Kennedy soon grabbed that aforementioned Brian Griese pass (the first of four brutal interceptions - and even worse, he almost got Devin Hester killed with a high pass between murderous defenders late in the fourth quarter) and off we went. What a fun drive followed the initial Lion pick and dimwitted return. Rather than make the Lions pay for Kennedy's mistake, the Bears essentially escorted their visitors from Michigan 93 yards, the only extended touchdown march of the day.

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First-half highlights/lowlights:

* Many more examples of Urlacher's inability to shed blockers - ever. The guy is one of the great all-time linebackers . . . in pass coverage. His back may be barking but he doesn't make many plays in the trenches even in the best of times. And apparently he spent last week pouting because assessments of his play haven't been universally positive so far this season. That's more than a little lame, even for Chicago's Great White Hope.

* Several shots of Detroit head coach Rod Marinelli moving slowly up and down the sideline. Marinelli is the picture of a former tough-guy player - he has no cartilage in his hips or his knees and he has multiple hitches in his giddy-up, to say the least. On the other hand, you get the feeling he's just the kind of guy that players respect - big time. And nobody knows that better than close friend Lovie Smith, who tried, a couple times, to hire him as his defensive coordinator.

* A particularly infuriating sequence toward the end of the half during which Griese scrambled and then slid to the turf, untouched, a yard-plus short of a critical first down. He then compounded his mistake by calling a timeout, giving the Lions plenty of extra time to mount the last-minute drive they turned into Jason Hanson's bank-shot, 52-yard field goal.

Second-half highlights/lowlights:

* The Lions wasted their first timeout only four minutes into the third quarter. This always befuddles me. Why waste a timeout early in the third quarter on first-and-10? Wouldn't it make more sense to simply accept a delay penalty and a first-and-15 rather than give up a precious timeout? I'm still waiting for an analyst to suggest this.

* A long walk for a fat man. At the end of a deflating Lions drive sparked by a huge Kevin Jones gain on the first freaking play from scrimmage after Greg Olsen caught Griese's touchdown pass, Bears defensive tackle Anthony Adams (listed at 300 pounds on the Bears roster but I'm guessing slightly heavier) makes a big play to stuff Jones on the last play of the third quarter. In so doing he sets himself up for the longest walk - the one from one one-yard-line to the other (as the teams switch sides) to start the final 15 minutes.

* The Lions would soon make a brutally dumb decision to go for it on fourth down down there (instead of kicking the chip-shot field goal that would give them the critical nine-point, i.e. two-score, lead), but again not pay for it. This time it's because Tommie Harris commits the stupidest penalty of the day - encroachment on fourth-and-one - to give them another chance. Even after that they still end up kicking the field goal.

* With 2:45 remaining, knowing the Lions punter has been told if he doesn't kick the ball out of bounds he will be cut (and Fox Sports, the next time you want to make light of a Marinelli quote about kicking the ball into the Lake Michigan, one shot of a ball bobbing in the local surf will be quite enough), the Bears still declined to send anyone to try to block a Lion punt. Sure, Hester has provided the two most significant highlights of the day (his first-quarter kickoff return and third-quarter punt return), but as expected, the punt flies high and far over the sideline. Soon enough Griese fires one final interception, the final score is 16-7, and that's all they broadcast.

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And so the Bears officially take up residence way behind the eight-ball (and the Lions and Packers) for what should be an excruciating bye week. Their chances of making the playoffs are now about the same as mine of making a double-banker after several pints at The Map Room - or even before the pints. You won't catch me denigrating their shot at the postseason any more than that, though. At least not until they suffer a ninth loss.

For one thing, I believe most of the teams in the weak NFC will back up to right around .500 before the end of the regular season. And I always wonder about the purveyors of doom such as that certain columnist at the local tabloid who already announced the end of the Lovie Smith Super Bowl era. If that's the case, why keep bothering to buy the sports pages on Monday, big guy?

Posted by Lou at 07:20 AM | Permalink

RockNotes: Fantasy Camp & Model Trains

1. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to be a "famous rocker." You know, like Gunnar Nelson and his wonderful, flowing hair (Matthew, too, though maybe not quite as famous). And that one guy from Night Ranger (mmmmm . . . motorin'.) I'm talking about NR's Kelly Keagy. As everyone, and I mean everyone, knows, Kelly was NR's singing drummer. What a famous rockin' role model he is!

Another famous rocker I'd pay as much as $2,000 to spend the day with learning how to rock from is Simon Kirke. He's such a famous rocker, I'm not even going to bother to tell you anything about him. (Hint: he's another drummer who's all right now.)

What all this means is that plans have been announced for next year's Rock 'N' Roll Fantasy Camp, which promises to hook you up with the famously famous. As we all know, one thing rockers like these guys can do even better than famously rock is teach punters how to rock just like them - in one day! And who in their right mind hasn't dreamed of opening for Def Leppard and Journey at the Germaine Amphitheater in Columbus, which is what fantasy campers got for their two grand last year (along with "a select amount" of concert tix for that night's show)?

Oh please, when the R'N'R Fantasy Camp comes to Chicago, please let the "counselor" be Gunnar! I would love it if he could teach me how to get that famously rockin' just-right sheen!

2. So now it comes out that the biggest deal in famous rocker Rod Stewart's dotage is not unembarassable chicks or drugs or even primo music gear. It's model trains. Umm, yeah. The electric toys. The Guardian says he's got a massive, 1,500 square foot set-up that painstakingly recreates Grand Central Station in the 1940s.

I really don't know if I approve of this or not. I can see where a guy like Neil Young would love model trains (he's even part owner of the most famous train toymaker, Lionel), because Young's whole musical persona has been based on Americana-ish integrity. When he sang about trains, kind of like Dylan, you felt he knew what he was talking about. He was connected to the past and America's heritage. There was also something anti-sexy and geeky about Neil Young, so it really kind of fits that he'd be a model train freak.

But Rod Stewart? Sexy, swaggering, cocksure Rod, a member of the Railroader Club? Hunched over a model train, yelling "choo-choo!" as the tiny little locomotive comes speeding 'round the bend past Petticoat Junction? Oh, how the sexy have fallen.

3. The only thing that surprises me about Kid Rock's latest episode of violent behavior is that it happened in a restaurant and not a strip bar. But, in an obligatory nod to bad taste, the fight happened at The Waffle House in Atlanta. Ya know, nothing goes down better than a big ol' stack of waffles at 5 a.m. after a hard night of "classic" rocking followed by five hours of rail drinks and stuffing bills in a g-string.

4. Moving from the ridiculous to the sublime, this week The Hold Steady will be playing a two-night stand at the Metro as part of the NME Rock 'n' Roll Riot Tour. My suggestion is to buy tickets immediately (shows are on Tuesday and Wednesday), assuming there are any left. These guys are the coolest things since sliced Wonder bread. Their complex, punkish song structures, played over the mesmerizing talk-singing/storytelling/poetry of Craig Finn, is strange yet compelling and sonically honest and unique.

Plus, according to NME, while on the tour, The Hold Steady will debut two or three new songs each week for their planned follow-up to last year's LP Boys and Girls in America. Also on the set-list is their song, "Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night," which will be the lead item in our next Chicago In Song feature. Why? Let's just say I'm confident it will be the only rock song ever about Nelson Algren.

And the band is truly burning it up on this tour. Reviewing an earlier show in Philadelphia, The Seattle Weekly said, "To loosely paraphrase David Lee Roth's quote about Elvis Costello, slightly doughy, bespectacled Hold Steady frontman Craig Finn looks like most of the male rock critics in America, which may be why they love him so.

"It's also gotta be the great tunes - literate and raggedly anthemic as they are, THS can still rock out like Van Halen . . . okay, maybe more like Thin Lizzy. Acknowledging that their last album, Boys and Girls in America, came out more than a year ago, Finn unveiled some new songs to rabid cheers. Didn't get the titles, but one was slow and boozy-sad, colored nicely by Franz Nicolay's accordion, and another was crunchy and explosive."

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Comments? Contact Don. Want more? Catch up on the RockNotes catalog.

Posted by Don at 05:35 AM | Permalink

The Found Art of TV Theme Songs

Is the TV theme song really a lost art? Or is it simply more a case of the television industry turning its back on them so more commercials can be shoehorned into a 30-minute slot? A 30-second TV theme song doesn't sell more car insurance and fatten a network's bank account; 30-second car insurance commercials do.

Either way, I too believe the TV theme is more than just an audio marker in time that says if you intend to see the whole show, you'd better pee faster. If you want to truly understand - and appreciate - the purpose and value of the TV show theme song, a good place to start is the bargain bin of your local big-box retailer who sells cut-rate DVDs for five bucks or so, like Best Buy. That's where I found multi-episode discs from the rural power trio The Beverly Hillbillies, The Andy Griffith Show and Petticoat Junction from Madacy Entertainment Group, Inc. and Ovation Home Video. My consternation lies not in the less-than-pristine quality of the video (complete with little squiggly hairs and black specks in every frame) but in the fact that the original theme songs are missing - replaced instead with loopy, limp bluegrass or loopy, limp elevator music.

This happens when whoever owns the rights to the opening songs either refuses to license the song or wants more money than the video creators are willing to pay. This isn't entirely unexpected from small companies selling multi-episode DVD for five stinkin' bucks - or why they're able to sell multi-episode DVD for five stinkin' bucks - but still, it's not much different than watching some stranger's collection of silent 8mm home movies from 1966. The context is missing, so you have no idea why three babes are swimming naked in The Shady Rest Hotel's sole water supply, or why some old codger with a musket is standing there wondering "What the fuck?" when he shoots the stagnant discharge of a cleverly-concealed industrial outflow pipe along the Grand Calumet River somewhere between Gary and Hammond and it starts bleeding black gunk. Or why this startling development makes him grab his bumpkin crap-shack family and skip town like an unprotected federal witness to some place where palm trees line the streets. Jeez, it's not like he shot a hole in the town's nuclear plant.

So here are a few more shows with important theme songs - songs that also were either radio hits, should have been on the radio more than they were, found new - and sometimes improved lives - re-recorded some years later by someone else, or are actually better in their original form. Many of these songs are still in print; those that aren't can be found without much difficulty within the file-sharing community.

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Taxi (1978)
You'd have to have to be totally mean-spirited and critical to not get a lift from the 1:04 snippet from the original 6:03 version of "Angela (Theme from 'Taxi')" taken from Bob James' 1978 album Touchdown. The original, less-polished version was pretty much why someone at WMET decided it needed to dump rock and change its call letters to WNUA in 1987 so it could introduce Chicago to New Age music. Because, you know, gentrification seems more pleasant when it has its own soundtrack.

Bob James Trivia: He also created the theme for Barney Miller, one of the few ABC sitcoms anyone would associate with the word "genius." However, his original, full-length version was not getting airplay on WNUA because it was the first TV theme song from a New Age/Smooth Jazz artist to scare the bejeezus out of a New Age/Smooth Jazz station.

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WKRP in Cincinnati (1978)
As first-person songs about disc jockeys starting life over after being dumped go, the bouncy "WKRP In Cincinnati Main Theme" sung by Steve Carlisle is considerably superior in comparison to Harry Chapin's "W.O.L.D." because Carlisle's tune doesn't make you want to go into the bathroom and hang yourself in the shower halfway through it.

The full-length theme, written by by Tom Wells and Hugh Wilson, rose to number 65 on the Pop Singles chart in 1981 and to 29 on the Adult Contemporary chart in 1982.

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Hill Street Blues (1981)
It wasn't quite "I'll Be There For You" by The Rembrandts, but the full-length version of Mike Post's breezy theme created for one of TV's best cop shows made it to Number 10 in Billboard Magazine's Top 100. It's another TV theme that just makes you feel good, and features the signature sound of amazing jazz guitarist Larry Carlton.

While catchy, Post's theme doesn't quite get you primed up for cracking skulls and torturing confessions out of suspects like Inner Circle's theme to Cops, though.

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Cheers (1982)
The Gary Portnoy/Judy Hart Angelo theme "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" is best appreciated in its original, extended form because it illustrates - better than the shortened TV version - why it's good to have a friendly bar within staggering distance when your day has turned to shit before you've even left the house:

"Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl"

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Newhart (1982)
Written by movie soundtrack chameleon Henry Mancini, the theme for the Newhart show where Bob ran an inn in Vermont probably did get far more radio airplay than we think; it just happened to be limited to AM stations whose target audience is old enough to fart dust.

Oddly enough, this incredibly pleasant, likable tune is absent from any of Mancini's albums that feature his deep well of theme songs. The only place it seems to exist is a live version recorded on Premier Pops: Henry Mancini with the Royal Philharmonic Pops Orchestra.

*

Golden Girls (1985)
Oh, stop laughing. Andrew Gold's original 3:59 version of "Thank You For Being A Friend" from his 1978 album All This And Heaven Too has a lot more personality than the show's re-recorded snippet sung years later by Cynthia Fee. While the show's version was slick and over-perfect, Gold's was just playful and fun:

And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear, even though it's hardly here
I will stand real close and say,
Thank you for being a friend

Andrew Gold Trivia: Gold also sang the theme song for the NBC sitcom Mad About You, which made Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt household names. Hunt went on to become a major film star notable for playing the exact same person in every role.

*

The Simpsons (1989)
The original theme by soundtrack factory and onetime Oingo Boingo member Danny Elfman gets its own translation (which includes a banjo) by the world's greatest unknown guitarist, Danny Gatton, on his 1991 album 88 Elmira St. Revered by critics, fans, and musicians alike yet completely ignored by radio, the master of the Fender Telecaster locked himself in his garage and committed suicide in 1994 in one of modern music's biggest wastes of talent ever.

*

Wings (1990)
This was a great NBC sitcom whose reruns were beaten to death after the show went off the air by cable's USA Network, which insisted on airing the show 9,642 times a day for nearly a decade. It is now shown 9,642 times a day only in former Soviet bloc nations still trying to catch up on popular American culture. This is probably why, no matter how I try, I can't remember a note of the theme song. I only remember that I liked it a lot because it was classical without sounding too classical. Anyway, it's indisputably the oldest theme song that wasn't a theme song because it's an abbreviated version of Franz Schubert's Piano Sonata No. 20 in A Major, D. 959, written in 1828.

Which brings us finally to perhaps the most notable TV theme . . .

*

The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970)
Whoever had the imagination to slice, dice, and re-score the full-length, 2:44 version of Sonny Curtis' "Love Is All Around" into the endearing theme it came to be was perhaps the greatest creative musical mind in TV history. That's because, in its original form, "Love Is All Around" was pure Nashville-meets-Los Angeles crap overdosed with pedal steel guitar and woo-woo backup singers, and proves exactly why mainstream country music needed to be saved from itself. Even the additional verses sucked, including this one:

You are most likely to succeed
You have the looks and charms
Girl you know that's all you need
All the men around adore you
That sexy look will do wonders for you

Before you could say, "Please, God, make me deaf," Joan Jett showed what a girl who calls herself "the goddess of hellfire" and "doesn't like any of that Eddie Van Halen shit" can do with a Gibson Melody Maker and about two-and-a-half minutes to kill. She released the full-length theme as a single in 1996, and then edited that down to the minute-long TV version for her 2006 album Fit to Be Tied: Great Hits by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Minneapolitans Husker Du also famously recorded the song, which just goes to show how flexible it really is.

Now, put Joan Jett and Husker Du in a sitcom together, and you've not only got a great show, but probably a great theme song in the offing.

Posted by Lou at 12:28 AM | Permalink

Reviewing the Reviews

Oct. 27 - 28.

Publication: Sun-Times

Cover: "Out of Tune," in which rock critic Jim DeRogatis takes on Eric Clapton's autobiography and Pattie Boyd's Wonderful Tonight: George Harrison, Eric Clapton, and Me.

Normally I'd think this was a little late in coming, as these books have been discussed thoroughly before, but getting DeRogatis's take is always interesting - even if he finds both books disappointing - because they probably are (Interior headline: "Guitar God, Boyd Both Fail To Deliver Any Deep Insight On Their Lives").

"Boyd and Clapton both justify the casual, almost haphazard way they tackle their fabled romance and the ruined marriages left in its wake by nothing that they only realized, more than three decades later, that the emotional turmoil was exacerbated and possibly created by immature and otherwise unhealthy young people living in a surreal bubble of wealth, fame and cultural upheaval," DeRogatis writes.

Beyond that, Clapton's "just-the-facts accounts of some of the more amazing moments in his storied career wind up making these events seem banal, if not downright boring."

And here's where the real disappointment comes in, according to DeRo.

"An even bigger mystery - and the most serious hole in the center of the guitarist's autobiography - is the source of his creativity and the nature of his relationship with music. The former leader of the Yardbirds, Cream and Blind Faith turned fabulously successful solo artist writes very little about songwriting and recording, or even about his musical fandom."

Other Reviews & News of Note: The Knock At The Door: A Journey Through The Darkness Of The Armenian Genocide.

For its timing, at least.

Also: A short feature on the Chicago Review Press.

*

Publication: Tribune

Cover: "The Florist's Daughter: Minnesota writer Patricia Hampl's new memoir is a tour of memory in an attempt to understand the past."

Why?

Why is this the cover of this week's Chicago Tribune book review?

It turns out this is one of the review's shortest pieces, on page 5. Not worthy of a cover by any standard.

But then, what in here is?

The closest I can come is "Chicago In Noir And Blue," a review of Chicago Blues, described as "a fine collection of Windy City stories" by various crime writers.

That could have been a cover.

A review of The New Kings of Nonfiction gets a center spread. That could have been a cover.

I see in the listings (which are paid advertisements) that Harold! Photographs From the Harold Washington Years "captures in words and pictures the powerful emotions that identified Mayor Harold Washington."

That could have been a cover.

As "exquisite" as The Florist's Daughter may be, there is no rhyme or reason for its starring role in this week's Trib Books review; but then, there is never much rhyme or reason to this sorry publication.

*

Publication: New York Times

Cover: "Century's Playlist." Geoff Dyer's review of The Rest Is Noise: Listening to the Twentieth Century kicks off The Music Issue of the Times Book Review.

That book is about classical music, so I'll move on.

Other Reviews & News of Note: Stephen King (!) likes Clapton's book more than DeRogatis (natch), but notes as well that "He is rarely able to communicate clearly what his music means to him." King's appreciation is more of the book as a recovery drunkalogue (King has been sober himself from various addictions since the late '80s) than a musical memoir, though he too would prefer more rock 'n' roll.

Also: Works about the Beatles, Coltrane, the Chelsea Hotel. It all feels so done. To death. By Boomers. Who Should Be Killed.

*

Charts:

1. Stephen Colbert
2. Eric Clapton
3. Clarence Thomas
4. Alan Greenspan
5. Rosie O'Donnell
6. Ann Coulter

Posted by Lou at 12:26 AM | Permalink

Chicagoetry: A Few of My Favorite Things

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

I dig
Rainbo,

comfort foods,
Guinness, cigarettes

of just about
any kind,

Cap'N
Crunch,

Mike Jagger,
Halloween, the Chicago

Bears, pretty ladies
with big

knockers, stacks of
clean, cold, crisp

twenty dollar
bills,

Guinness and sunrise
over the

lake.

-

J. J. Tindall is the Beachwood's poet-in-residence. He can reached at jjtindall@yahoo.com. Chicagoetry is an exclusive Beachwood collection-in-progress.

Posted by Lou at 12:19 AM | Permalink

October 27, 2007

The Weekend Desk Report

It's good to be back at the Weekend Desk, where we've been gloriously phony since 2006.

Market Update
Mortgage lending giant Countrywide Financial has announced plans to salvage $1.2 billion in potential bad debts by accepting payments in 10W-40. Meanwhile, experts estimate that their current uncomfortable vacant homes analogy will stop being funny by late second-quarter 2008.

Over-Consumption
American leaders strongly defended the nation's faddish obsession with biodiesel against harsh accusations this week, saying that while fuel production may indeed drive up global food prices, the world could stand to drop a few pounds anyway.

Campaign '08: Mitt-Stupid?
Mitt Romney used a New Hampshire appearance this week to attack Hillary Clinton's family values in a desperate attempt to distract voters from the fact that he is way too fucking dumb to be president. Fortunately, his main opponent ain't too bright either.

Campaign '16: Ringing Endorsement?
Meanwhile, Chicago 2016 officials are refusing to discuss the number of public services being used to stage the World Boxing Championships this week, stating only that it's clearly not enough.

Bucky Sobers Up
Finally this week, as part of our continuing series on freshly-illegal behavior, we turn our eyes northward. It is with great sadness we report that Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle has officially vetoed fun.

Posted by Natasha at 08:39 AM | Permalink

October 26, 2007

The [Friday] Papers

"After he lost another appeal Thursday, former Gov. George Ryan's dimming hope for a new trial now relies on a forceful dissenting opinion - joined by one of the nation's most influential judges - that called his six-month trial far too long and 'a travesty,'" the Tribune reports this morning.

Indeed, the 6-3 ruling by the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejecting Ryan's appeal came with a blistering dissent lead by legal iconoclast Richard Posner.

What is so odd about it is it's focus on the length of the trial, heretofore not an issue.

"Why did this one [trial last so long]? What was special about it? The prominence of defendant Ryan?," the dissent asks.

More like the vastness of Ryan's schemes. What part of the prosecution's case, I wonder, would Posner and his dissenting colleagues suggest wasn't necessary to try?

Posner is known for determining the outcome he wishes and then fashioning a legal argument to get there. Maybe he's privy to a weak spot on the U.S. Supreme Court - where Ryan's appeal goes next - for defendants who have had to endure long trials.

Trial length makes sense as an appealable factor in this case in just one way: If federal court judge Rebecca Pallmeyer would have otherwise declared a mistrial because of the juror misconduct discovered late in the proceedings but couldn't bear to face starting over, thus denying Ryan a fair trial.

At any rate, the most important part of the dissent is this: "We agree with the panel majority that the evidence of the defendants' guilt was overwhelming."

Overwhelming.

Any Ryan defenders still out there should take note: Ryan's guilt is no longer in question.

Arch Nemesis
"George Ryan clawed his way to the top of Illinois' political heap the old fashioned way; he seized it through the misuse and abuse of taxpayer dollars and state employees," the BGA says in its statement, "Goodbye and Good Riddance." "Today's decision by the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals confirms what everyone but a few Ryan dead-enders have known for years, George Ryan is a felon who richly deserves jail time for his crimes against the citizens of Illinois."

Sexiest Man
The BGA handed out its annual Civic Achievement Award last night to U.S. Attorney's Office here as well as the Chicago branch of the FBI for their work on the Ryan case and other wayward pols. Patrick Fitzgerald gave the keynote speech, but the highlight of the evening was former prosecutor Patrick Collins's introduction of Fitzgerald, which included a dramatic reading of Sneed's item about Fitzgerald's recent engagement.

To Fitzgerald's embarrassment, Collins offered chocolates and tissues as shower gifts.

Clout Rout
The BGA gave its annual George Bliss Award for Excellence in Investigative Journalism to Sun-Times reporter Tim Novak for "Clout's Sick List."

*

I was hoping the gift bags would contain subpoeanas, just for the fun of it, but maybe that would have only been fruitful had the mayor showed.

Doll Defensive
The Sun-Times editorial page took folks in the blogosphere like me to task today for reacting critically to the earth-shattering news - first reported on the Tribune's front page - that a 9-year-old girl was worried about the safety of her American Girl doll after it fell out the cargo door of a plane in flight.

"But we're talking about a little girl and her dolly," the paper says. "Are Abby Ann bash