|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
« December 2006 | Main | February 2007 »
January 31, 2007
What I Watched Last Night
Spring Break sucks when you grow up. You can subscribe all you want to that "You're only as old as you feel" business, but once 40 starts looming large, you're just Creepy Uncle material to anyone in a string bikini along the entire Florida Coast during the month of April. But that's okay. The National Geographic Channel informs us that yes, Virginia, there is a Spring Break for the aging. Yeah, it's held during the summer, but still. It's a place where, for an entire week, you can drink until you puke and witness feats of beaded necklace-collecting that reduces Mardi Gras New Orleans to a burg of rank amateurs.
Where is such a magical place? It's the Sturgis Rally in Sturgis, South Dakota, as seen in Tuesday night's airing of Sturgis: Hell On Wheels. I had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with my vacation time last summer, so this biker event has become my new Mecca, I think. I shall start saving my pennies right today because unlike college Spring Breaks, you're perfectly welcome in Sturgis no matter what stage of middle-aged physical deterioration you've reached. So no matter how bad you think you look without a shirt or dental insurance, a sizeable portion of everyone else is going to look worse than you.
The Sturgis Rally began quietly enough in 1938 with a fellow named J.C. "Pappy" Hoel, a member of the Jackpine Gypsies Motorcycle Club. Rodeos and festivals were big tourist draws for the small towns in the Black Hills of South Dakota, so they dreamed up the Black Hills Motor Classic so Sturgis could have some of the tourist pie, too. The first Classic drew nine motorcycle racers, and they camped out in Hoel's yard. The main draw was originally track racing, but the real fun was in the stunts, like crashing into wooden walls, jumping ramps, and crashing into cars head-on. Today, more than half a million people find their way into town during the first week of August every year to see motocross racing, burnout competitions, and famous biker-friendly bands like ZZ Top and Kid Rock. They also come for the Full Throttle Saloon, a full-service bar at the edge of town that hooches up 30,000 bikers a day and features a dude named Rhett Rotten zooming around the inside of a giant barrel called The Wall of Death on a 1927 Indian Scout six times a day.
While everyone's there for a whole week, there's plenty of motorcycle racing and motorcycling showing going on, tattoo showing, tattoo getting, and - oh, screw it already - there's tits. Tits everywhere. Women flashing 'em, guys taking pictures of 'em. Old tits, young tits, it doesn't matter as long as there's someone showing tits somewhere. It's just one gigantic tit-fest! The restaurants in town even serve tits and eggs. "Motorcycles and women - that's what it's all about," said one attendee, forgetting to mention tits.
Sadly, in one of the biggest demonstrations of ironic behavior on record, National Geographic - which made its reputation among generations of young readers by showing tits - failed to actually show any on Sturgis: Hell On Wheels.
Boycott at will.
*
Previously, in What I Watched Last Night.
Posted by Lou at 03:57 PM | Permalink
The [Wednesday] Papers
"Coach, this team, the '85 Bears, that's a team. These men have never quit giving to this town. They're responsible for 389 restaurant bars, 219 sports-talk shows and 741 DUIs."
- From a Superfans script written by Robert Smigel last year that never made it on air, as reported by Greg Couch of the Sun-Times.
* Super Bowl halftime performer Prince is going to be 50 next year. Shouldn't he be a Duke or Baron by now? Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern suggest some other age-appropriate name changes, including Iron Butterfly to Iron Lung, Journey to Cruise, and The Who to Who's Left?
* Colts president Jim Irsay's political donations.
* Dos and Donts for Super Bowl Sunday, in Eric Emery's Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report.
* The Sun-Times wants photos of other Chicagoans named Lovie, and other stories the media will use to fill the remaining days until the big game.
The Obama Messiah Watch
Slate introduces "a periodic feature considering evidence that Obama is the son of God."
House Cleaning
What the House Democrats did in their first 100 hours, including ridding the chamber of "Hastert smell"and closing the underground tunnel to Dick Cheney's office.
School Tools
The Tribune today published the second in a series of editorials on school funding supporting a tax swap that would increase state income taxes and lessen the dependence of education funding on local property taxes.
While the Tribune editorial page has long supported this type of plan, it brought me back to its 1994 endorsement of Jim Edgar over Dawn Clark Netsch.
"Nothing has been so certain in this campaign for governor as death and taxes," the Trib said. "Recognizing that voters fear crime, Gov. Jim Edgar made Comptroller Dawn Clark Netsch's opposition to the death penalty a prominent campaign issue. Recognizing that no one likes to pay more for government, he jumped on her proposal to raise the state income tax.
"Edgar hit Netsch with both barrels and - Poof! - for all intents and purposes, the campaign was over."
And the Tribune has never gone back to say Netsch was right on the issues all along.
Local Geography
"There are plenty of reasons for Effingham taxpayers to care about Hinsdale schoolchildren, for Hinsdale taxpayers to care about Harvey schoolchildren, for Harvey taxpayers to care about Effingham students, " the Trib said in its editorial on Sunday.
But apparently, given the newspaper's paltry aldermanic election coverage and Tribune Company's cuts in foreign reporting, there aren't very many reasons for taxpayers in the 2nd Ward to care about taxpayers in the 25th Ward, nor for citizens in Dolton to care about citizens in Darfur.
Foreign Notion
Remember after 9/11 when the media was going to re-commit to foreign reporting? Well, the promises of the media are as valid as the promises of politicians. But here's the thing: Fewer foreign reporters makes our country less safe. And in an Internet world where your brand can be extended internationally and your reports can gain a worldwide readership, it's just bad business sense. In fact, a paper with a fleet of foreign reporters would be smart to repackage its journalism from such a staff in a number of ways, from a foreign reports blog to a weekly or monthly print publication to a subscription newsletter. Newspapers' attempts to innovate are still amazingly weak. They ought to keep asking themselves three questions: What Would Google Do? What Would Apple Do? And What Would A Great News Organization Do? Presto.
The 51st Ward
"The U.S. government wasted tens of millions of dollars in Iraq reconstruction aid, including scores of unaccounted-for weapons and a never-used Baghdad training camp with an Olympic-size swimming pool, investigators say," the AP reports.
Ad Libby
"Reporter Judith Miller testified Tuesday that former vice presidential aide Lewis 'Scooter' Libby identified a CIA operative to her on two occasions on dates earlier than he has told investigators he first heard the information from another reporter," the AP reports.
Daley Doses
* The mayor says it would be wrong to fire Christopher Kozicki. Does the mayor's new pal Barack Obama agree? I mean, he said things were getting better . . .
* The mayor, dismissing shakedown allegations in a federal lawsuit filed by a developer as election-year politics, says "At election time, people say a lot of things and do a lot of things," according to a Fran Spielman report.
Sort of like the "series of moves aimed at courting black and Hispanic voters" that Spielman wrote about so approvingly last month.
The Education of Hillary Clinton
A flawed but nonetheless highly informative Atlantic piece about Hillary Clinton - and the value of certain kinds of experience.
This Is Our Country
"Until he was deposed in 2002 as majority leader, Trent Lott favored a lipstick-and-skirt dress code," the Atlantic story reports. "Women still must cover their blouses with jackets in order to set foot on the Sentate floor. (There was a big fuss this summer about whether they could wear open-toed shoes.)"
Why not just put them in burkas?
"Far from being just quaint notions, these outsdated standards of decorum are neforced by 'bench ladies,' who are stationed on the floor. Staffers call them the 'SS guards' behind their backs."
This is the United States Senate.
Unsweetened
* Lynn Sweet doesn't get the joke.
* Reporters can spread any bullshit they want once they start quoting the "man in the street."
Teen Dream
"Car crashes are the No. 1 cause of death among teenagers, according to the National Traffic Safety Administration."
How many teens die from heart attacks or Alzheimer's Disease?
CDC leading causes of death, all Americans:
Heart disease: 654,092
Cancer: 550,270
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 150,147
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 123,884
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 108,694
- Tim Willette
Cover Story
The Top 50 Cover Songs Of All Time.
Beachwood Goodness
The Papers archive. Includes The Weekend Desk Reports by Natasha Julius.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Granting immunity daily.
Posted by Lou at 07:37 AM | Permalink
The Sporting Life
Your [February 1 - February 7] leisure guide from the Beachwood Sports Desk.
THURSDAY: To Read/Appreciate Art. New City's "Super Special" Issue. Newsstands Everywhere. Free. Pick up the latest copy of New City and take a good look at the cover. And don't try to skimp out by looking online, cause they picture ain't there. On the cover is model Sandra Salgado "wearing" an Urlacher jersey, reminding you why you're a Bears fan. And a breasts fan. If that's not your cup of milk, look inside for other musings about the big day, including a guide to bars celebrating the game and recipes for hot wings.
FRIDAY: To Enjoy Satire/Laugh So Hard You Burn Calories. Onion Super Bowl coverage. Free. In case you haven't noticed, The Onion now features a long-overdue Sports Section. Current stories include "Bears Lead Rex Grossman to Super Bowl," "Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines on Dolphin Stadium Sidelines," and "Bears Inspire City Still Reeling from Great Chicago Fire of 1871."
SATURDAY: Do Your Job as a Citizen/Rat Someone Out. Bring a Lawsuit Against Your Least Favorite Bar. You know that bar across the street that you loathe, especially at 2:30 a.m. when every Trixie and her giggly entourage pile into the street like it's Watts the day O.J. was acquitted? Well, Saturday is your last chance to take action and get them shut down. According to NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy in a recent Tribune interview, "Legally, businesses don't have the right to use 'Super Bowl' [in adverstisements]." Yep, you heard him. He's saying they can be sued. From one skim through today's RedEye, looks like you can take down the likes of Smartbar, Duffy's, innjoy, and even The Bedding Experts, in one fell swoop.
SUNDAY: HOLY SHIT MONKEY, DA BEARS ARE IN THE FLIPPIN' SUPER BOWL! AND IT'S ON CBS AT 5:25PM! AND THE KERRYMAN ON CLARK AND ERIE WILL TAKE 41% OFF YOUR ENTIRE TAB IF THE BEARS WIN! I'M A LIFELONG BEARS FAN AND I CAN BARELY BREATHE! I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING SIT ON BY DONOVAN McNABB'S MOM IN THOSE CAMPBELL'S SOUP COMMERCIALS!
MONDAY: To Appreciate It All/No Matter What. The Super Fans. Featuring Robert Smigel, Joe Mantegna, George Wendt, Beth Cahill, Horatio Sanz, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, and Chris Farley. Monday is going to either feel like the day after you lose your virginity or the day after you find out you got herpes on spring break. If the Bears win, the pride of the Midway faithful will be running more rampant than the Mini-Bears would against any mortal team in the NFL. If we lose, you're going to need a reminder why you bleed the team colors of the University of Illinois. So watch a few minutes, or hours, of Bill Swerski and his friends until you agree with the following: In a game of one-on-one basketball up to 11, Mini-Ditka would beat God 11-6.
TUESDAY: To Be a Good Parent/Be Precautious. Take Your High School Athlete for a Check-Up. Immediately. Cost Depends on Your Insurance Benefits. I have absolutely no idea why this linked story would ever fly as under-the-radar as it has. Apparently, it's not just high school football players and cheerleaders that are getting nastier than a Condoleezza Rice striptease these days. Best line to come across the AP Wire in '07 thus far, courtesy of one of the Minnesota wrestling coaches: "How do you tell a parent that their child has herpes for the rest of his life?"
WEDNESDAY: To Give Up Football/Catch a Cold. Chicago Steel at Ohio Junior Blue Jackets. B2 Network. 6:30 p.m. Bet you didn't know that Chicago had a Tier 1 USHL Junior Hockey Team? And you call yourself a "hockey fan." Oh wait, you don't call yourself a "hockey fan?" Well if you want to, you better get with the program and watch this online simulcast of a hockey league in which fighting is still encouraged and rewarded with a chance to be a third-line goon on some bottom-feeding NHL team. But if anyone asks what you're doing Wednesday night, just say you're going bowling.
Michael Raspatello is the editor-in-chief of The Rival Room. He can hardly breathe.
Posted by Lou at 01:24 AM | Permalink
January 30, 2007
The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report
Dos and Donts to keep in mind while the Bears proceed to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.
* DO remain in close contact your fellow Bears fans from now until game time. Even the bandwagon fans. This is a time for goodwill toward all.
* DO NOT contact any Colts fans you may know. They live in Indiana.
* DO purchase an insane amount of alcohol. You cannot overdo it.
* DO NOT consume all that alcohol before game time without restocking.
* DO become pleasantly intoxicated by kickoff.
* DO NOT drink yourself into a blackout, at least until the post-game coverage kicks in.
* DO wear a Bears jersey during the game just this once if you want to.
* DO NOT wear the jersey of a current Bear or a former Bears quarterback.
* DO keep your belly full of food. You'll need your strength late into the night.
* DO NOT fill up on chick food. On this day, at least, be a man.
* DO express your emotions to the utmost from kickoff on.
* DO NOT use the occasion of a Bears victory to finally tell your buddy how much you love him.
* DO watch the commercials during the game, just this once.
* DO NOT change the channel at any time, even if The Lingerie Bowl is on.
* DO use the bathroom at halftime. Prince will never be at his worst than at his Super Bowl show.
* DO NOT use the bathroom during a break for a coach's challenge. You need to watch every angle as many times as possible, so that if a non-Bears fan accuses the Bears of stealing the win, you have your rebuttal handy.
* DO hug your fellow Bears fans once - once - after the win.
* DO NOT say "I cannot wait for next year." That's for Cubs fans.
* DO call other Bears fans, including family members. This may be the only chance in your life to share.
* DO NOT call Colts fans to congratulate them on a fine season. They don't want to hear it.
* DO help your Super Bowl host clean up. Especially if he spent his time bashing the Bears all year on The Beachwood Reporter. Your grace will make him feel even worse for bashing the Bears all year.
* DO NOT steal the leftover deviled eggs. This is a time for goodwill among men.
* DO call in to every sports radio show you can get on. Never mind that you're drunk; you'll sound just like the typical regular-season caller out of his mind over Lovie's failure to make half-time adjustments.
* DO NOT admit that you never believed in Rex Grossman. There'll be plenty of time for that next year when he goes into the tank.
And of course, do not drive home drunk when it's so much more fun to trample through people's yards and piss in the alleys. It will be the one night of the year that nobody will care.
*
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 100%
*
More Bears coverage:
* The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archive.
Posted by Lou at 08:01 PM | Permalink
What I Watched Last Night
I had a crummy day Monday, so I grab a seat at the end of the bar at the Home Plate Pub in Hessville. That's where I find ABC ordering me somewhat rudely to ponder What About Brian since there's no question mark in there asking me politely. I haven't seen the show, so I do wonder: What about Brian? Did he fall down a mine shaft? Does he overcome adversity and teach others deeply meaningful lessons about their own lives despite having some sort of handicap that would defeat a lesser fellow? Does he save others from certain death through heroic surgeries or stunning lifeguardsmanship? Does he sell insurance? What?
An hour later, I still don't know what about Brian. Nor do I care. Brian's a self-absorbed ninny. So are his friends.
Erica the bartender tries to explain the show's appeal and how addicting it can become, but I'm not buying it because, well, how good do your entertainment choices get when you're stuck tending bar on the slowest night of the week? It's not that my crummy day fogged my impression of this show, or that I have anything against chick TV that's naturally stuck in the gravitational pull of shitty, problematic relationships. Nay, I love a fine heartwarming tale; I just don't like walking away with a raging case of diabetes from it.
Basically, this show is a version of thirtysomething if it had been written by Dan Fogelberg. For me or anyone else who got suckered into this show Monday, it felt like an hour-long 1980s Lowenbrau commercial that had guys bonding in very sensitive ways because "the night is kind of special" and your beer ought to be, too. And to show how wonderfully everyone was bonding and celebrating each other's company on Monday, the writers re-created the sugary dancing-in-the-kitchen scene from The Big Chill that everyone and his brother was stealing 20 years ago too, except this time using some 1980s-era song.
But Brian drives a really cherry Chevrolet Corvair convertible, so I imagine Ralph Nader is gnashing his teeth all over again.
Monday's episode was all about relationship strife and decision-making. The first decision someone made was to gather everyone together for a Big Decision Weekend in a big ostentatious log cabin that looked like something Abe Lincoln might have built if he were Donald Trump and liked lots of glass. The show's writers set the episode in late autumn because it's much easier to make decisions when you're decked out like a Timberland meets L.L. Bean winter catalog. And boy, were there ever potentially globe-stopping decisions to be made. Brian has strife because he can't decide whether to move in with his girlfriend, so he brings her along so the tribe of established women can treat her as the interloper in all sorts of petty, snippy little ways. Bored Married With Little Kids Couple have strife because she's pestering him to make a decision right today whether to have surgery to deal with some sort of dangerous ailment. Interracial Couple have strife because he can't decide whether to assert himself as a dog person or bend to her wishes that he be a cat person instead. Newly Married Couple have strife because he can't make a decision whether to go back to his old girlfriend, but they soon become Newly Separated Couple after the girlfriend shows up at the cabin.
Other than that, the guys spend a lot of time fishing and talking, but the only thing they do with all their jibberjabber is scare away the fish, leaving everyone's dilemmas to get solved when all the women admit that they love each others' earrings.
Rosanna Arquette has a regular role on the show, but she didn't have any big decisions to make in Monday's episode, so she wasn't on.
*
Speaking of shallow and self-absorbed, Brian was followed by Channel 7 burning through a bunch of its newscast allotment with a hard-hitting piece by Ron Magers over the best Chicago-style hot dogs and pizza in Miami.
Naturally, every member of the Eyewitless News team who did score a junket to Miami to demonstrate how far the puff envelope can be stretched looked very pleased to be there instead of freezing live on some dark expressway overpass with Storm Watch coverage of that quarter-inch of snow falling here in Chicago. If any one of the left-behinds at Channel 7 deserved a sympathy vote in the wake of Monday night's irrelevance festival in Miami, it was Jerry Taft. You just knew he was standing there in front of the weather map thinking, "What the fuck - like there's no goddamn weather in Miami????"
Tonight at 10: Ron expenses lunch and dinner with a piece on a restaurant that serves Eli's Cheesecake.
*
Previously, in What I Watched Last Night.
Posted by Lou at 05:40 PM | Permalink
The [Tuesday] Papers
"Well, we're halfway through the two-week Super Bowl hype orgy, with media from around the world grinding away so hard they ought to be administered lube," the Tribune reports.
Whoa!
That's in the Tribune?
Circulation must be really bad.
* Our approach to discussing how the media will occupy itself until the actual game.
* "The media are making a big deal out of Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy becoming the first African American head coaches in the Super Bowl. Good. It provides the perfect contrast to an untold story about the media," writes the Tribune's Ed Sherman.
"In a sport where more than 60 percent of the players are African American, there never has been an African American analyst in the booth for a Super Bowl."
* "Bears Play Underdog Card, But They Were Favored In 16 Of 18 Games."
* "Pines Die and Bears Feel It."
Blue's Clues
You can now start your O'Hare delay early on the Blue Line.
"The problems on the Blue Line illustrate how slow, unreliable and inconvenient taking the L has become for riders on almost every line," Monifa Thomas reports in the Sun-Times.
Daley's CTA
"Only Mayor Richard M. Daley can save the train system," Crain's implores in an editorial. "So far, he's mostly ignored the deterioration of service as trains swell with downtown office workers commuting from the gentrifying neighborhoods of the North and Northwest sides -- a predictable side effect of the middle-class renaissance he worked so hard to foster."
Daley Delusions
The mayor responds to a watchdog report card critical of his rule:
"No other city is building new schools. No other city builds libraries. No other city builds affordable housing. No other city is building parks. No other city is improving quality of life."
No other city has streets! No other city has office buildings! Go look for yourself! You won't find them! So I'm very proud of my administration. I work very hard. Next question!
Burke's Law
"[Ald. Ed] Burke is sitting on an astounding $6.8 million in campaign funds through various political committees he controls," Mark Brown writes.
Good for Burke, seeing as how he's facing his first opponent since 1971.
And Barack Obama says you shouldn't go into politics if you want to get rich.
Well, he was just an Illinois legislator representing a Chicago district, so he couldn't be expected to know any better.
Obama's Law
Obama will not endorse Burke's opponent. But he'll gladly accept any help Burke will offer, if he hasn't already.
Mikva Challenge
Abner and Zoe Mikva think that the way we teach civics in school is broken. Maybe it's the civics itself that is broken. I don't see Mikva calling out the mayor on 17 years of corruption and anti-democratic rule. Maybe the mayor needs a private tutoring session. I also don't see Mikva running for mayor or funding a civic-minded reform candidate to do so.
Whore House
Most aldermen are ho's.
Beavers Slop
Bill Beavers calls himself "the hog with the big nuts."
Nuts fit for roasting. It's past overdue that reporters pulled every piece of paper on this guy and did a f ull-court press on his financial and city council dealings.
Bush League
"President Bush was unqualified to run the country in 2000, just as Obama is now."
Kitchen Knife
"White House Gets A New Pastry Chef."
Old one turned against the war.
Scooter Ride
The Libby trial shows once again that politicians spend far more time planning how to manage the media than the media spends planning on how to conduct an effective interview and do the reporting that will reveal the scoundrels for who they are. Even more so now that newsrooms are being gutted.
Ari's Gold
Ari Fleischer's damaging testimony is front page news in the Tribune and New York Times, but buried in the Sun-Times on page 26 under "Oklahoma Produces Another Miss America," perhaps to spare editorial page editor Steve Huntley the embarrassment of being so blindingly wrong - among others.
ChicagOlympic Sun-Times
The Sun-Times has never felt moved to put an editorial on its front page calling on the mayor to clean up his act, but on Sunday the big headline was "Why The Olympics Must Be Ours."
The paper never lists the ad dollars it hopes to reap as one of the reasons.
Mayberry Post
"It's time for Chicagoans to get behind the effort to sell Chicago to the world," the paper says.
No, it's time for newspapers to do their job and vet the exaggerated economic claims being made by the local Olympic committee, and flesh out the financial issues, flaws in planning including lack of community involvement, the mayor's horrible track record with large projects, and the impact upon the city and residents that shouldn't automatically be presumed to be a positive one.
Record to Run On
"Publicly, [USOC members] want guarantees that the games will not drown in red ink and cost overruns," the Sun-Times says.
Good thing those issues have never been a problem on Daley's watch.
Proud Sponsors
The Todd Stroger Era, brought to you by Rich Daley, Barack Obama, and the Chicago Sun-Times.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Tickets still available.
Posted by Lou at 07:58 AM | Permalink
Bear Down, Chicago Media
How the city's media will fill the remaining days until the Super Bowl.
1. Devin Hester's fastest Dan Ryan alternate routes.
2. Breaking Barriers. What it's like for Rex Grossman to be the first Jewish quarterback in the Super Bowl.
3. Janet Davies with Tank Johnson: 50 ways to decorate on house arrest with Ikea Bolingbrook.
4. The Sun-Times wants photos of other Chicagoans named Lovie.
5. Ditka's Garbage: What's In It? Chuck Goudie investigates.
6. Teen Driving and the Bears: A Deadly Mix. A Tribune Special Report.
7. Telex or Motorola headsets for gamers?
8. House arrest, and other secrets to keeping your star athlete husband, on Oprah.
9. Tank Johnson vs. Abrams Tank. Mini-Tank Johnson vs. Abrams Tank.
10. Is Rexy really sexy? Or is it just hype? We ask his girlfriends.
11. Barack Obama was a Chiefs fan growing up. He even wore red.
12. The Sun-Times wants photos of The Biggest Bears Fans In Chicago - literally! Include current weight.
13. Other Chicagoans nicknamed Peanut.
14. Astrologists say there's bad karma in the House of Tank. But Urlacher's moons match up well with Manning's suns.
15. Getting Our Kicks! The Fox news team hits the town with Robbie Gould and Brad Maynard.
16. Forty Years of Super Bowl Weather, a Tom Skilling Special Report.
17. Fox News holds a seance to contact George Halas. Reaches Vince Evans at home instead.
18. North Beach: Metromix Does Miami With Mike North.
19. Best commercials shown during the Bears regular season.
20. The Channel 2 news staff goes on the South Beach diet this week.
21. Are kids too obsessed with the Bears? A Tribune special report. In five chapters.
22. Bears Fans Gone Wild. A Chuck Goudie report.
23. Beartinis and Urlachburgers: Where to Get Your Bears Grub On. A Metromix/WGN-TV report.
24. There's no way the Bears can win this game, by Jay Mariotti. There's no way the Bears can lose this game, by Jay Mariotti.
25. Super Bowl TIF steals money from Miami schools to pad Mayor Daley's slush fund, a Reader investigation shows. The rest of the media shrugs.
*
More of the city's best Bears coverage:
- The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report.
- Over/Under.
- "Crown Their Ass!"
Posted by Lou at 05:48 AM | Permalink
Esteban's Master Class Cutaway Guitar Package
I wish I could hear Esteban's students play, but his backing musicians are too loud.
What It Is: A 22-piece set that includes a handmade acoustic-electric guitar, packaged with accessories and instructional DVDs featuring rugged guitar veteran Esteban. It also includes a guitar chord poster, strings, picks and a cleaning cloth.
Description: In principle, not too much different from the guitar starter kits you might see at a Guitar Center or, frankly, K-Mart.
Quote: "This man has touched nearly a half-million lives with his amazing guitar packages!"
Shill: Esteban, who purports to be a student of master Spanish guitarist Andres Segovia, a claim rigorously thrown into doubt by this Phoenix New Times story. His pretty foil is the Home Shopping Network's own Shannon Smith. There's also a rotating cast of Esteban's students, and I'll get to them later.
Set and Costumes: The TV version of a cozy living room, with a video fireplace set high up on the wall, where a fireplace could never be. Esteban's dressed like a bad mix of Stevie Ray and Johnny Cash, and constantly wears dark sunglasses because one of his eyes was blinded during a baseball game when he was 12, and the other damaged in a tragic car accident. Shannon's dressed in a tasteful, spangled black deal.
Politics: Incumbent-friendly. He wants your support, but you don't really get to know jack about him.
Cost: About $200.
Gimmick: Esteban's students, who range from a little girl to various grown men, join him for run-throughs of songs. At first, you hear the little imperfections in their playing - which are to be expected, because the acoustic guitar isn't easy for your fingers to get used to - and sense an uncommon honesty in the presentation. Then Esteban swoops in with his nimble leads. With each successive student seem to come more backing musicians on horns, bass and drums. So you have to take Esteban's word for it when he praises each student for playing "like a pro."
Bonus Gimmick: Slobbering over the details of the guitars' purportedly handmade construction - "all-wood construction" with a "beautiful lacquer finish," complete with close-ups of the mother-of-pearl inlays.
Extra-Bonus Crummy Rhyme Gimmick: The little amp in the package is a "Bach-to-rock" amp. Which just means it has an overdrive button, like thousands of amps on the market. "You press this button, and you have hard-rock, rockin' guitar sounds."
Pavlovian slip: After Esteban plays with a young female student, Shannon says, "Imagine - that could be your daughter, or better yet, yourself." Because they know this will appeal as much (if not more) to grown men as to kids. Though said little girl is reported to "idolize" Esteban.
Pavlovian omission: You probably don't want to learn to play Esteban's guitar. You just like the idea of learning to play guitar, and Esteban doesn't want to confront you with the awkward hand positions or the gnawing of steel against your soft fingertips until after you've got that puppy out of the box.
Evaluation: It could be a great guitar, could be a piece of crap. Without the opinion of someone who knows musical instruments better than I, I'll withhold judgment. From Esteban's story, it sounds like he's a nice guy who got fucked over and milks it way too hard. And no, I'm not some silly purist who believes instructional videos cheapen an artist - just look at two of the finest acoustic blues players going today, Chris Smither and Rory Block, who don't go around with fake Spanish names.
Rating: 5 (provisional)
- Scott Gordon
* Visit the Beachwood Infomercial Review library.
Posted by Don at 12:23 AM | Permalink
January 29, 2007
The [Monday] Papers
* Bears Super Bowl victory headline neither Chicago paper will be willing to use: "Crown Their Ass!"
* More likely Indy victory headline after Adam Vinateiri kicks the game-winning field goal as time runs out: "Money!"
* The city's best Bears coverage, all week in Beachwood Sports:
1. Lessons and observations in a Top Ten season review.
2. The Bears are in the Super Bowl. Emery tries to wrap his head around it. In The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report.
4. What the NFL taught us this year. In Over/Under.
Clothes Line
The Sun-Times has declared Friday "Wear the Bears to Work Day."
So now they're going after the dork demographic.
Lovie Smith Drive
In Big Sandy, Texas.
Tank Johnson Way
"More than anything, Tank Johnson needed to know he wasn't alone," the Tribune's David Haugh writes. Johnson had just lost his best friend, Willie B. Posey, in a nightclub shooting and feared he was close to losing his spot on the Bears roster after defying team orders following a weapons arrest. That's when Lovie Smith picked up the phone to pick up his defensive tackles's spirits."
Maybe Lovie should have picked up the phone after any one of 30 visits police made to Johnson's home as he terrorized his neighbors and put his children at risk from pit bulls and unsecured guns.
Minnesota Way
Tony Dungy chose the University of Minnesota to pursue his college football career "because it was one of the few universities that would allow for the possibility of a black quarterback," The New York Times reports.
Chicago Way
Illinois has third most segregated school system in nation.
Readiness
When people - pundits, the media - ask if America is "ready" for a black president ("No, let's lay some more groundwork until we're just a little more comfortable"), it really means "Is America still such a racist place that an African American can't get elected president?"
But the media doesn't want to put it that way. Too uncomfortable to discuss the real question.
If America's ability to elect a black president is still legitimately under question, what does that say about our daily interactions, particularly in the workplace, and how does that square with those who think we should just be color-blind now?
Barack's Law
People are who they are.
Chuck Roast
NYT: Did you read his book, Audacity of Hope?
New York Sen. Charles Schumer: I just read little pieces of it.
NYT: You couldn't finish it?
Schumer: I skimmed the parts that were interesting.
Obama (D-Daley)
1. Barack Obama just lost my vote and respect when he endorsed that crook Mayor Daley," Marvin Harrison of Berwyn wrote to the Sun-Times on Sunday. "Even if he didn't endorse the other candidates, he should not have endorsed the man who has been allowing his friends to steal the city blind!
"Daley claims he knows nothing about all the illegal activity during his watch. Politics 101: Quid pro quo. That's a shame, Mr. Obama."
2. "I have been a huge fan of Sen. Barack Obama ever since he began his political career in the Illinois Legislature. This was a guy who seemed very sincere and totally genuine: a politician you could trust, or at least believe.
"I am still an Obama supporter, but I cannot understand his endorsement of a mayor who has reigned over nearly 20 years of blatant corruption - corruption that was orchestrated by those close to him, in offices next to him," Cornelius Foster of Douglas wrote. "I cannot imagine why Obama, who has enjoyed such overwhelming support, felt it necessary to attach his name to a figure who is so widely presumed to be corrupt."
Big Picture, Local Focus
The latest CNN poll has Hillary Clinton leading the field with 38 percent of Democrats polled in her corner. The next three: Obama 18; John Edwards 6; Al Gore 12.
Electability
. . . won John Kerry the nomination. Pundits and strategists are never right about this stuff.
Kerry Case
On the other hand, if Kerry had won Ohio he'd be president. Yet, the media caricatures him as a loser, just as it caricatured Gore for years despite the indisputable fact that Gore won the 2000 election.
How silly is this, for example?
"Mr. Kerry's hopes were probably most damaged by what he said was a botched joke he told while campaigning on behalf of Congressional candidates in the final week of the 2006 election campaigns," The New York Times says.
This is how we choose a president? George W. Bush botches a war, he gets re-elected. John Kerry bothces a joke about Bush's botched war, and he gets ridiculed into oblivion.
Readiness Redux
When people ask if America is "ready" for a woman president, consider the text in the (syndicated) editorial cartoon that ran in the Trib on Saturday -
"Countries That Have Already Had Female Heads of State: England, Norway, Finland, Israel, Switzerland, Germany, Serbia, India, Mongolia, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Philippines, Indonesia, Liberia, Burundi, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Ecuador, Panama, Nicaragua, Haiti, Ireland, Latvia, and Iceland."
Overdrive
Hillary might want to re-consider using a song for her campaign with the opening line "I met a devil woman."
Rock Star Buzz
If Obama becomes president, he'll be at least the second coke snorter in a row to attain the office. And quite possibly the third.
Color Bind
WGN-AM led the way in 2006 radio revenue with $48.4 million, Robert Feder reported last week. WGCI-FM finished fourth with $28.6 million in revenue - even though they battled all year for ratings supremacy. The Chicago Reporter explains why.
Fickle Fingers
The slipstream media loves bloggers (and political activists) in other countries a whole lot more than those in this country.
Motor City Marine
Ted Nugent wants to provide hunting trips for wounded soldiers and their famlies. Somehow I don't think soldiers want hunting trips when they come home.
Maybe Nugent ought to volunteer for duty in Baghdad instead of pretending in Michigan.
Quick Pick
"The Lottery's Next Big Loser: Illinois."
The Beachwood Tip Line: Bearing with it.
Posted by Lou at 07:52 AM | Permalink
January 27, 2007
Foolin' Fish Spray
Hello Mr. Steve Rhodes:
The following press release about UV Fish Spray may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
- - -
EXCITING BREAKTHROUGH PRODUCT FOR FISHERMEN "UV FISH SPRAY" HOOKS 3 TO 4 TIMES MORE FISH
Dateline: January 26, 2007 ... Berkeley Springs, WV
Contact: Isbjorn Marketing & Sales, Inc.
Phone: (877)400-6753
E-Mail: luremaster@uvfishspray.com
Web Address: www.uvfishspray.com
Berkeley Springs, WV - January 26, 2007 - For decades, bait and lure companies have conducted tests to find new and better ways of attracting fish to the hook more quickly and more often. A recent breakthrough has been discovered, combining science with fisherman instinct. It's called Fool-A-Fish TM the new amazing UV Fish Spray that is helping fishermen catch three to four times more fish.
From bright, fluorescent lures to fish-attracting scents, thousands of products are available on the market for the assertive fisherman. Unfortunately, all of these have limitations. The bright colors disappear or become dull in water ten feet deep or muddy water. The scents can wear off quickly. That's why Milan Jeckle, M.D developed the innovative UV Fish Spray.
Dr. Jeckle was fascinated with a recent scientific discovery made by Duke University Marine Biology Dept., that bony fish and birds can see in the ultraviolet (UVA) color range that the human eye cannot see. He had studied physics, chemistry and biological sciences so he knew there had to be a connection that could close (or at least lessen) the gap between fish and the "fisherman's hook." This new scientific
discovery was the answer.
Fool-A-Fish TM is patented bait and lure spray that coats the bait with a powdery substance that is non-toxic to humans, animals and the environment. This substance reflects ultraviolet light that only fish can see. To the fish, the UV light reflects from the bait or lure in many directions, similar to a disco ball. This ultraviolet light reflection can be seen by fish for up to one-half mile, giving it preeminence over other non-treated lures in any water.
UV Fish Spray is easy to use. Fishermen just spray it on according to the instructions, allow it to dry, and then bait their hook. It can be sprayed onto live bait such as worms, minnows, maggots, or any type of bait or lure.
Tests conducted by Captain John Keizer, one of the founders of Salmon University Fishing Institute in Seattle, Washington, revealed that herring bait sprayed with the UV Fish Spray caught three to four times as many salmon as the herring bait without the spray. "Instructors have sprayed it (Fool-a-Fish TM) on lures, flashers, hootchies and plugs, all which showed better results than the same lures not treated with Fool-a-Fish," states Captain Keizer.
The UV Fish Spray has also been widely successful during fish tournaments. Pertti Nevalainen and Antti Viljnen won the Finnish Championship Competition using Anchovy Special bait holders. Every salmon bait rig was sprayed with UV Fish Spray.
Fish use three senses to hunt for food: sight, smell, and sound. Sight is the dominant sense; therefore, if the fisherman makes his lure or bait more visible, fish will attack it! "Hungry fish can't resist it - particularly when everything else has faded to only a dull shadow even - in shallow depths," says Dr. Jeckle.
Posted by Lou at 07:19 PM | Permalink
A Bears Top Ten Review
Observations.
1. Rex Grossman disappointed fans most of the year, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Bears playoff prospects.
2. Rex Grossman disappointed fans by playing pretty well in the playoffs, leaving them with an uneasy feeling about the Super Bowl.
3. Chicks dig Urlacher. Except for that one.
4. The best offense is a Devin Hester punt return.
5. Few teams erase a 18 point deficit against the Patriots. Anybody can come back from 18 points down against the Cardinals.
6. Though the McCaskeys could hardly be happier, wait til they get Lovie's bill.
7. The Bears have now provided a whole new thread of false hope for Cubs fans.
8. As a leader, if you say the same words over and over, people start to believe it, whether it be "Rex is our quarterback" or "Iraq is part of the war on terrorism."
9. Guns, children, pot and pit bulls do not mix. Unless you need a pass rush.
10. Sure, but the Bears didn't play Florida.
See also Super Bowl Shuffling, The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report, and Over/Under.
Posted by Lou at 07:11 PM | Permalink
The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report
For the past few days, I have tried to wrap my head around this year's Super Bowl match-up. Just how, for example, did the Bears even land in the Super Bowl? Did they consistently dominate their opponents? Yes, for the first five weeks. Did they play great defense? Sometimes. Did they get great play out of their quarterback? As much as they did not.
The Colts provide even fewer answers. Where did their suddenly competent run defense come from? Where has Marvin Harrison gone? Why does Peyton Manning express sadness in a commercial that a former coach of his introduced him to Rock and Roll? Was that a bad thing? And what's with the cheesy mustache get-up?
Simply put, I've been having trouble making sense of it all. That is, I was having trouble until Friday night.
For our office Secret Santa exercise, I received a $10 movie gift card. Since it was my wife's turn to pick, I found this to be the best occasion to not pay full price for a bad movie - one inevitably lacking in car crashes, gun fights, and/or sports action.
I was not prepared however, to suffer through the worst movie of all time - Catch and Release.
(I hereby now issue a Spoiler Alert; if I leave out the relevant details, some day when you are roped into this steaming pile of monkey crap, you'd seek vengeance on me.)
Nothing made sense. Nothing.
Well, except the part where Jennifer Garner looked hot. Besides the hotness, nothing made sense. Garner is to marry a man, but he dies. Sure, that happens. And Garner gets mad at her deceased fiance's friend Fritz for covering up some small details, such as the deceased's secret bank accounts, his mistress in California, her bastard boy, and the $3,000 in monthly payments to the mistress. Oops.
As the saying goes, bad things happen to good people. Well, not really. At least according to the dead man's upper crust bitch of a mother, who accuses Garner of not satisfying her son sexually and driving him to the arms of a hussy. Boo-ya! Yeah, and by the way Miss Garner, could you be a doll and return that wedding ring that has been in the family for six generations? You know, because he's dead and your no longer with him?
And here's thing thing: Garner never gets angry.
Remember how Fritz lied about the mistress? But does this make him dating material? Of course! You know, fornicating with a lying piece of crap makes sense. Oh yeah, especially after he porked some other random woman in a bathroom. Did I forget to mention that the deed went down at the deceased fiance's wake? You wouldn't suppose Garner sat in the bathtub while said deed went down, as she longed for a quiet moment alone? If you also supposed the random woman said "Sock it to me" in the throws of lust, you'd be correct twice.
After all this nonsense, the mistress arrives looking for the deceased, mostly because she's grown accustomed to the monthly $3,000 she received as child support. Of course, since Garner never married the man, all the loot belongs to the bastard of the mistress, pending the paternity test. Though this seemed like a job for Maury Povich, the mistress and Garner remain on speaking terms. Hey, how about some dinner? I'll gladly bring the four-year old bastard to serve as a reminder of the deceased fiance's infidelity! Pass the salad, 'cause Garner rises above it all.
Through all this insanity, all ends well. Everybody finishes 200 man-hours of work on the peace garden dedicated to the deceased. The upper crust bitch gladly gives the mistress money because her son would have wanted it that way. Garner offers the upper crust bitch the ring, but she refuses to take it. Finally, Kevin Smith shacks up with the mistress, using his massive salary earned writing quotes for Celestial Seasonings boxes to support the mistress and the bastard son.
Just in case none of that made sense, Garner brings it home by driving to California to express her love to Fritz. You know, the Fritz who nailed the random chick at the wake. The end.
Driving home from the movie, I tried to make sense of all this. Then it hit me: It doesn't have to make sense. Does everything in life have to make sense?
Epiphany.
Sure, the Bears' lackluster play, ugly wins, and questionable coaching led them to a 15-3 record. Their schedule almost never tested them, yet they found ways to be tested by sub-par opponents, like Arizona, Detroit, Tampa Bay, and Miami. You'd think such a team watches the Super Bowl at home. But the Bears are in the Super Bowl. Does it make sense? Of course not. Does it have to make sense? Apparently not.
If Garner never worries about catching all manner of nasty disease from Fritz, then I'm not looking at this logically either.
So I'm picking the Bears. In fact, I'll do something else. I'm picking the Bears straight up. I'm not stopping there. I'm guaranteeing a Bears victory. Not satisfied? Swell. As Garner is my witness, the Bears blow out the Colts.
I'm not done yet. Rex Grossman completes 18 of 26 passes. The defense gives up only 10 points. Devin Hester returns a punt for a touchdown. After the game, Cedric Benson says, "I'm going to Disneyworld!" Urlacher lays down with three women in the locker room. And using his best "Cleveland from the Family Guy voice," Lovie Smith says, "Mrs. McCaskey, I'd like that raise now."
Does any of that make sense? No. But does it really have to? The Bears will be the World Champs.
*
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 100%
*
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted by Lou at 06:36 PM | Permalink
Big Media's Air Raid
As a long-time radio veteran, and someone who has followed the story of media consolidation as closely as anyone, even I was appalled by the details of the Minot, North Dakota train derailment that Eric Klinenberg recounts in the introduction to his new book, Fighting for Air.
According to Klinenberg's excellent narrative, local officials tried to contact the radio stations in Minot to declare an emergency because a toxic cloud five miles long, two-and-a-half miles wide, and 350-feet high was heading straight for town.
There was only one problem: Clear Channel owned every radio station in Minot, and all of its programming was automated. There wasn't a single person in any of the local studios to answer the calls of emergency response officials to alert the public about the impending danger.
By the time the cloud had dissipated, one man was dead, and more than a thousand people needed medical care. If Minot's radio stations hadn't been consolidated and downsized, the town could have been easily evacuated before the slow-moving cloud reached the city limits.
And that's just the introduction of Fighting for Air.
Klinenberg, a sociologist from New York University with a reporter's gift for uncovering the stories behind the stories, methodically chronicles the effect of consolidation on every medium since the disastrous Telecommunications Act of 1996, including network and local television; network and local radio; mainstream and alternative newspapers; and the Internet.
Why does radio suck now? Klinenberg explains it.
Why does 24-hour cable television news cover so little news? Klinenberg explains it.
Why does it seem like we have more media options than ever, yet less information about public affairs? Klinenberg explains it.
He effectively and meticulously presents evidence of the cost-cutting that inevitably follows big media mergers, and shows how these have led to decreased news staffs in every medium. That, in turn, has led to a country that only appears to have more information available, while it actually has far less. (What's more terrifying than an uninformed electorate? An uninformed electorate that actually thinks it's informed.)
He shows how the increased power of these few media corporations has led to several big stories being buried in the broadcast media, including - and especially - the effect of media consolidation.
He chronicles the complete disregard the current FCC (and the previous edition headed by Michael Powell, Colin's son) has for public, professional, and scholarly opinion about consolidation.
The arguments against Big Media are clinically enumerated by Klinenberg, most convincingly in the sections about the loss of local news and information. Klinenberg also thoroughly and convincingly debunks the arguments that were presented by the industry before the Telecommunications Act of 1996. (Just to take one example, those 1.5 million new jobs that were promised? Never materialized. Instead, 500,000 jobs have been eliminated in the consolidation accelerated by the Act.)
So what is the argument for further deregulation, like that intensely lobbied for by Tribune Company, among others? I thought the answer produced the funniest quote in the book, from a Heritage Foundation article often cited by Powell: "The real danger to Americans is that outdated and unnecessary FCC restrictions will limit improvements in media markets and technologies, limiting the benefits that they can provide."
Got it? They aren't making enough money to improve technologies. If you just let them own it all . . . they'll work harder at making it better.
Is there honestly anyone in the world who believes that? Certainly no one who has ever worked in the media. So why aren't members of the broadcast media (who would personally be most harmed by further consolidation) coming out to aggressively point out how ridiculous this argument is?
Simple. To tell the truth about your corporate media bosses is to commit career suicide.
To tell the truth about the FCC is to bring down the wrath of the FCC on your bosses, which is an even more effective way of committing career suicide.
Fighting For Air isn't the first book to tell this story, but it's probably the most impressively researched and well-written.
My only quibble with Klinenberg's book is his assignation of political motives to some of the big media CEOs. In my experience, these guys don't have a political agenda as much as they have insatiable greed. Scratch the surface of an apparent political agenda (even Rupert Murdoch's) and you're bound to find just another money grab.
At its heart, however, Fighting for Air tells an important truth: The big media corporations have completely abdicated the public interest obligations required as a precondition of operating the public airwaves, and the FCC, which was founded to keep an eye on this above all other things, is helping them do it.
I guess it takes a sociologist to tell the real truth about the media.
*
Rick Kaempfer was a Chicago radio producer (Steve Dahl & Garry Meier, John Records Landecker) and host for 20 years. He is the co-author of The Radio Producer's Handbook (Allworth Press, 2004) and the author of $everance, a satirical novel about the broadcast industry coming out in April on ENC Press. Rick covers the media regularly on one of his many blogs and is a frequent Beachwood contributor.
Posted by Lou at 08:14 AM | Permalink
January 26, 2007
The Weekend Desk Report
Numbers Game
President Bush this week sought to quell broad-based congressional resistance to his current Iraq plan. Using a new statistical model, Bush now says the actual number of U.S. troops, casualties, and Iraqi insurgents is considerably lower than first estimated. For that reason, he contends, it should be no problem to send 20,000 more soldiers to the beleaguered battlegrounds, and maybe toss a few bones Afghanistan's way too.
The Breakup
In an unprecedented summit of America's exes, the message was loud and clear: the U.S. is never going to find someone to settle down with unless it starts listening. Most recent dumpee Canada had even more words of advice for current flame Israel. "I never felt like I could be myself in the relationship," Canada cautioned, "and I got really tired of cleaning up America's messes. If I were you, I'd keep my eye out for other suitors."
Search and Destroy
More mixed messages from Washington this week. While on the one hand, the Bush administration encourages the whole-sale destruction of elements seeking to dictate prevailing culture, on the other hand, not so much.
Race to the Bottom
Confident American gamblers have raced to the OTB this week, certain that their man has locked up the race for World's Worst President. But surely the smart money will steer clear of this passing fancy. After all, in the ultimate stakes, he's not even close.
Posted by Natasha at 11:38 PM | Permalink
What I Watched Last Night
Are you one of those country music purists who firmly believes Garth Brooks is the Antichrist and the eyes of hormone-raging young boys should be shielded whenever the new, improved version of Faith Hill turns up on CMT? Then you'd be right at home with The Wilburn Brothers, as I was Thursday night. Well, I wasn't really at home with them. It was more like who in the world digs up these things?
The RFD-TV network does, that's who. (For those of you born well after Andy left Ken Berry in charge of Mayberry, RFD is an acronym for Rural Free Delivery, which brought home mail delivery to the sticks and gave farmers the same right as city folk to have their mailboxes cluttered up by Publisher's Clearinghouse.)
Billing itself as "rural America's most important network," RFD-TV is where the Propane Research and Education Council does its advertising, and I guess if I watched long enough, I could probably have picked up a subscription to Grit newspaper too, except now it's not really a newspaper anymore and that's just another fine example of how corporate America has screwed the heartland, dagnabbit.
On my channel guide, RFD-TV is located way up in the nosebleed section in the 9000s and lumped in with a mess of Jesus stations, so I kinda knew what I was getting myself into. At first, I thought I'd stumbled across a Lawrence Welk show from 1971 because the picture had that same sort of screwy-saturated look Polaroids get when they get old, yet the sets didn't achieve nearly the same design standards as Welk's. Either the TV studio was the size of a tent or it was just Doyle and Teddy Wilburn reflecting that sort of early Opryland attitude that says when you're letting the music do all the talkin', you don't need no ten more bucks worth of paint and wood in the hands of a set designer who might actually have graduated vo-tech school, y'all. No, that investment was made up in wardrobe for the hosts.
I'm not sure whether the singing brother who looked like Brian Doyle-Murray without all the extra mileage was Doyle, or the guitar-playing brother who's a dead ringer for Tom Hanks' next project was Teddy, or vice-versa. The show was a bit short on introductions, but I suppose if I knew anything about country music prior to 1992 - other than it's awful - introductions wouldn't be necessary. I needed Wikipedia and CMT.com to tell me Doyle and Teddy went from first performing on a street corner in Thayer, Missouri, on Christmas Eve 1937 to become one of Nashville's most popular recording duos between the 1950s and early 1970s. Sure, they're both dead now, but they looked mighty smooth in their matching powder-blue satin suits and bow ties.
They had to, given the company they were in Thursday night. Tom T. Hall, who is arguably the driest wit to ever pen a Nashville tune, entertained everyone in his dark blue leisure suit with "Chattanooga Dog" and his ultra-amusing "Ballad Of Forty Dollars" looking like like he hadn't slept in a year, as usual. Pre-Crisco spokeswoman Loretta Lynn chimed in with "Will You Visit Me On Sunday" while catching up to the times a half-decade late in a purple tie-dyed dress.
The music and the look was pure '70s and so was the sound, which I can only describe as 1962 beach transistor radio, so the only distinguishable instruments were steel guitar and a snare drum. All the digital stereophonics in the world can't fix that, but in a sense, you wouldn't want them to. That's just the kind of sound we need to get nostalgic over if we're ever to appreciate real country music meant for real Americans with real family values because it's got dusty-dry small town Texas 1952 gas station/diner written all over it. Go ahead, tune in to The Wilburn Brothers next week and listen to the whole thing with your eyes shut. Sure as hell, you'll be able to see the waitress reading the afternoon newspaper to the transistor radio in the empty Texas diner in 1952 just waitin' on the boys to stop in for some pie and coffee after the lynchin'.
Nope, you just don't get that with Garth.
*
Whata hecka mooka mooka, dear: Dan Ho of Discovery Health Channel's The Dan Ho Show neither plays ukelele nor sings about tiny bubbles or anything else. He isn't even Hawaiian. He's from Guam. Bummer.
*
I'm not sure what to make - or whether I even want to make anything - of ABC's Men In Trees. I caught only the last five minutes sandwiched between the end of Soundstage on WTTW and the beginning of the local news, but I instinctively go *aw, Christ* whenever I hear some woman narrating life lessons at the end of the program in in that Sex and the City tone of voice. If I can stand it long enough, I might even watch this show next week if the residual Grey's Anatomy lead-in stench isn't too overpowering, if only to see whether the current problem with Justine Bateman is that she and Tony Curtis share the same overly-rambunctious plastic surgeon or she's just hagging out naturally.
*
Previously, in What I Watched Last Night.
Posted by Lou at 03:48 PM | Permalink
The [Friday] Papers
1. Why Bears fans without Super Bowl tickets won't be able to watch the game at Soldier Field either.
2. Not everyone is in love with the Tribune's proposed teen-driving legislation.
3. "A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps," the president said in his State of the Union addresss Tuesday night. "Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time."
Yeah . . .. bringing you the Peace Corps, except without the peace part.
- Scott Buckner
4. The Daily Southtown's Kristen McQueary has the solution to the county budget mess: a nepotism tax.
5. Make it stop.
6. How about pay toilets to offset Olympic building costs?
- Brian Rhodes (my brother)
7. The Tribune editorializes today against allowing aldermen found to have taken bribes not disguised as campaign contributions to run again for office.
8. Tribune: "Obama Confident He'll Appeal To Blacks."
And he very well might. Missing from the story, though: An ABC News/Washington Post poll shows Hillary leading Obama among African American Democrats by a 57-23 margin. After all, she is the wife of the country's first black president.
9. "In the first such account from Vice President Dick Cheney's inner circle, a former aide testified Thursday that Cheney personally directed the effort to discredit an administration critic by having calls made to reporters in 2003," the Los Angeles Times reports.
"Cheney dictated detailed 'talking points' for his chief of staff, I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, and others on how they could impugn the critic's credibility, said Catherine J. Martin, who was the vice president's top press aide at the time.
"Libby is on trial on charges of obstructing an investigation into how the name of a CIA operative, Valerie Plame, became public. The government says her identity emerged in conversations Libby had with several reporters. It is illegal to knowingly divulge the name of a CIA employee."
Question considered on one of the cable-news channels last night: Should Cheney be forced to resign?
10. On The View yesterday (hey, I work at home - and the show's gotten really good!), Rosie O'Donnell asked Lou Dobbs if the president should be impeached. "Oh boy," he sighed, and then appeared to seriously consider the question before stammering out a non-response. Later, on his own show on CNN, Dobbs completed his answer. "Would you really prefer Dick Cheney to George Bush?"
11. Illinois Entertainer picks the most essential local albums of the last ten years.
12. Jim DeRogatis takes a look at the best of the current scene.
13. Note how a story about city scofflaws is framed as an 11-year effort by the mayor to crack down on city employees not paying their parking tickets.
14. "The City Hall scofflaw scandal broke in October 1996 when then-city Clerk Jim Laski embarrassed and infuriated Daley by blowing the whistle on millions of dollars in unpaid water bills and parking tickets owed by government employees."
Note how Daley was infuriated at being embarrassed by the scandal being exposed, rather than infuriated at the scandal itself.
15. "Daley responded by releasing a list of deadbeats that included mistakes and the names of employees who had already paid."
Note how Daley sloppily responded to the scandal with a media strategy rather than a solution.
17. The federal campaign contribution report of WGN radio host Orion Samuelson.
The federal campaign contribution report of longtime Tribune Company executive and current Los Angeles Times publisher David Hiller.
The federal campaign contribution report of the late Ann Landers.
18. The Tribune's public editor says newspapers don't publish rumors, gossip and falsehoods. Where exactly would I start with that one?
19. Maybe here: the public editor column was published in the same space occupied the day before by Jonah Goldberg.
20. Georgie Anne Geyer, in a column on the Trib's Op-Ed page, recalls that candidate Bush "acknowledged that he didn't know much about foreign affairs but said he was a 'quick learner.'"
Which was enough for Geyer and her cohort, who found Bush delightful and the know-it-all Al Gore just too smart for his own good.
21. When Bobby Rush was a Chicago alderman, he had his wife on his payroll. Later he backed his sister for his old seat. So AT&T was a natural benefactor for Rush, given their Friends & Family plan and all.
22. The Sun-Times editorial board chides the mayor today for not consulting with aldermen and area residents about the plans for an Olympic Village and stadium. Hello? Daley's lack of consultation was not an oversight. As Ald. Toni Preckwinkle said this week, that's how he operates. It's called one-man rule. Daley isn't interested in being slowed down by other people's opinion. Prime Exhibits: Soldier Field and Meigs Field. And when left to his own devices, which he always is, the result is always a mismanaged embarrassment.
23. The fine print on Donald Trump screwing a bunch of rich people. Originally broken by Crain's, if I'm not mistaken, and followed up by the Trib.
24. This Is Our White House Correspondents Association.
25. Tons of great stuff inside the Beachwood. Read up.
The Beachwood Tip Line: Working on our Rich Little impression.
Posted by Lou at 08:09 AM | Permalink
Off the Juice: Week 1
Week 1: Gas Ex Machina
It's been a week since I broke my fast and there's one thing I know for certain: eating is really hard work.
I don't mean just the chewing, although that definitely takes it out of you. I mean the whole experience of swallowing food, digesting it and (hopefully) eliminating the waste products. My first "meal" in more than two weeks was half a banana, and readers, I kid you not: that half banana kicked my ass.
I'm going to issue a content warning here because there really is no way to avoid discussing what I'm about to discuss. I had thought that my stomach growled during my fast because it was empty. That's not strictly true. My stomach was full of gas. And the immediate impact of swallowing solid food was that all that gas in my stomach, my intestines, my esophagus, escaped - with maximum noise and fragrance - out the nearest opening. After 14 flatulence-free days I'm back at it with a vengeance.
That's not the only unfortunate side effect of the return to food. Indeed, it's like my entire digestive system has rewired itself to not process solids. My mouth doesn't want to chew. My stomach has shrunk to the size of a raisin. My guts are staging a major work slow-down. After a week of carefully reintroducing food, I still can barely handle more than half a cup of solids without severe cramping, nausea, bloating, headaches and abdominal discomfort.
But wait, there's more. My tastes and tolerances have changed radically. I'm not able to eat much in the way of protein. Foods that formed a big part of my pre-fast vegetarian diet - cooked beans, nuts, soy and cheese - are now completely unappetizing. Those that I've managed to eat have wrecked havoc on my stomach. My cravings have shifted from salty, fatty foods to ones with high glucose and carbohydrate content. I'm on a constant cycle of sugar rushing and crashing.
Even better, many of the benefits of being on the fast disappeared almost immediately. My skin, which during the fast was clear and pale, has gone to hell in a hand basket. Although my sinuses are still significantly clearer than they were before the fast, I caught a cold just as I was getting used to unblocked airways. I feel sluggish, unmotivated, tired and cranky. I find myself running a lot of my meals through the blender because I just can't be bothered to chew every bite 25 times, as is necessary for me at the moment.
If all of that wasn't enough to convince you that breaking a fast is harder than being on a fast in the first place, I give you the thirst. I'm not talking a little dry-mouth here; I'm talking constant, grueling, trek-through-the-Sahara-with-half-a-skin-of-water thirst every time I eat something. It feels as though my mouth has been vacuum-sealed. It's impossible to take in enough water to slake the thirst; even if I tried (and believe me, I have) it would just slosh around inside me like a half-empty washing machine.
So aside from being a gassy, crabby, pimply mess, is there anything positive I can say about breaking the fast? Of course. Flavors are amazingly satisfying to me now. I taste notes in all my foods and drinks that I never noticed before. A glass of beer is an amazingly complex and lengthy journey. It's great to be back in society again as well. My hypersensitivity to sounds and smells has dulled considerably; I watched the Bears' NFC Championship game at a local watering hole and didn't once want to vomit from the whiff of a cigarette or the lusty whooping and cheering.
Still, this is without a doubt the most difficult part of the fasting process. I expected to return to normal within a matter of days; now I'm wondering if I'll ever have the same tastes or diet again. It's a little scary, to be perfectly honest, but I still don't regret the fast.
Week 1 Hunger Level: Still inconsistent; I don't get hungry the way I used to. I have to remind myself to eat at regular times. I still feel the urge to cram my face full of food when I'm in a hurry, but if I succumb to that habit I pay a steep price in terms of physical discomfort.
Week 1 Energy Level: Also inconsistent. There are great peaks and valleys throughout the day. I need to nap again, and not just on the days when I teach more than one yoga class. I'm also having trouble sleeping through the night.
Week 1 Physical Condition: See above. I have no idea what to expect, but in general not much of it has been good.
Week 1 Mental State: Concerned. I don't like not knowing what's coming next, and in marked contrast to the term of the fast, now there's no time limit on the craziness.
Week 1 Primary Foods:
Fresh fruits
Unflavored organic yogurt
Coffee
Fat-free milk
Steamed vegetables
Brown rice
Dried fruits
Plain whole grain breads and crackers
Beer
Fruit juices
Week 1 Food Mistakes:
Tofu
Cooked beans
Peanut butter
Fried corn chips
Goldfish crackers
Chocolate
Week 1 Foods Not Attempted:
Butter
Cheese
Pasta
Pasta Sauce
Pizza
Salad dressing
Vegetable juices
Previously:
* On The Juice: Day 1. If you can't beet it, juice it.
* On The Juice: Day 2. Fire in the glory hole!
* On The Juice: Day 3. Sipping point.
* On The Juice: Day 4. Brush with destiny.
* On The Juice: Day 5. Food for thought.
* On The Juice: Day 6. Dinner-free dinner party.
* On The Juice: Day 7. The longest chard.
* On The Juice: Day 8. The daily grind.
* On The Juice: Day 9. Driving force.
* On The Juice: Day 10. Sprout to get me.
* On The Juice: Day 11. Bottle rockets.
* On The Juice: Day 12. New World Order.
* On The Juice: Day 13. Here's looking at chew.
* On The Juice: Day 14. End of the line.
Posted by Natasha at 12:41 AM | Permalink
100 Hours: The New U.S. House
The new Democratic majority in the U.S. House set out an ambitious "first hundred hours" agenda to pass measures that would tighten lobbying ethics, implement the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission, raise the minimum wage, expand stem cell research, lower prescription drug prices on behalf of Medicare patients, roll back oil industry subsidies, commit to pay-as-you-go budgeting, and cut interest rates on student loans.
Here are some of the lesser known accomplishments of the House Democrats' first hundred hours.
- Rid chamber of "Hastert smell."
- Now abusing the girl pages, not the